From oracle-request Tue Nov 12 09:00:23 1991 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Tue, 12 Nov 91 09:00:23 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #371 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: "9e\S&XFxP?L)~?^jbHC!$jk5#O}v\n#nwz8'd$#(H,+B4n<^{GSCr,![PCrQOV1 nW{vh|Ev<)b!y?'?aysJ)3YJ_/sOl@a'lKaG,uk|Xh3mR+xa]XJ!$vqAjQe?.nst;0/"u?M2K~rC6k~ |)'uWrn%alJW'QwwJJ441kc,m.C!?:EP49(+ X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with "faces". From the iuvax archive today. === 371 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #371 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Tue, 12 Nov 91 09:00:23 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg: 371 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 366 27 votes 47c40 1259a 16c80 36b61 168b1 36963 0359a 2d840 03ba3 14c55 366 3.2 mean 2.6 3.9 3.0 2.9 3.2 3.0 4.0 2.5 3.5 3.3 --- 371-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christopher Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Where can one find biographical material in English on > Wolfgang Pauli, the physicist and Nobel Prize winner? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } So _you're_ the one looking for this volume! Doesn't suprise me, } really. (Of course, little suprises the Oracle) } } I've told you several times. Never wait until the end of term before } you begin writing a thesis. You wind up getting as little sleep as } the TA that gets stuck reading/grading the damn thing. It winds up } irritating all those concerned. } } In fact, that's where the only available copy of this tome is. Your } grader has taken advantage of his no-date-of-return privilege at the } Library and checked it out as soon as you turned in your thesis topic. } } Good luck getting it back. He's still a bit miffed that you turned in } your last paper, a biography of Heisenberg, the night before Spring } Break and then tried to convinve him that he couldn't be certain you } didn't turn it in earlier. (The Oracle gives you a 3.5 plus a 4 for } level of difficulty) } } I'd suggest a bribe of hot coffee and a Swedish masseuse before even } asking for the Pauli translation back. } } You owe the Oracle Schrodinger's Cat and an expired Library card. --- 371-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Otis 'Hammersmith' Viles <4164@alma.edu> The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most splendiferous Oracle, whose boundless knowledge spans the > entire space-time continuum, who knows what's in McDonald's Secret > Sauce, whose beard I am not fit to comb, please take a second or > two from your busy schedule to answer me this one: > > Why is it that for almost ANY food, finding a dead worm in it would > be cause for disgust, but when you find a dead worm in your tequila, > it's a sign that the tequila is REALLY GOOD? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The answer is obvious mortal. In ancient times rulers and kings } would employ human persons to taste their food to determine whether } or not poisons were present. We now live in more enlightened times } and this necessary job has been relegated to members of a lower form } of life, namely worms (although sometimes maggots are used instead). } If you buy food, which is intended to nourish you, and find a dead worm } or maggot, it is a sign that the food is poisoned. On the other hand, } because toxicity is required in a drink like Tequila, when the worm } test is applied in this case the death of the worm testifies to the } efficacy of the potion. } Cheaper food and drink producers are sometimes tempted to cut costs and } neglect to apply the worm test, however top quality producers will } always do so and hence the association of dead worms with "good" } Tequila. The oracle advises all mortals to avoid eating food which does } not contain live maggots, and to avoid drinking Tequila altogether. } You owe the Oracle a box of chicken McNuggets. --- 371-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: well!well!ewhac@apple.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I've been wondering, Mr. Cool Oracle, where's my wallet? Hey, give it > back! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You didn't think the Oracle was free, did you? --- 371-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: well!well!ewhac@apple.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most omniscient, omnipresent, omnivorous, omnidirectional, and > omnipotent ORACLE, who is not only greater than I do imagine, but is > greater than I CAN imagine, who is the fountain of all knowledge and > wisdom, I, a most humble and unworthy supplicant, fear that I must beg > a precious moment of your attention to help me with my insignificant > problem. > > Is it true that P=NP? Can this be proved without the use of Oracles? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Most semi-sentient, rarely-present, meat-eating, unidirectional and } impotent supplicant, I commend you on your adequate grovelling and } deign to answer your semi-interesting question. } } As you know, we oracles have a very strict code of ethics which forbids } us from revealing certain kinds of knowledge to mortals. For example: } } 1. Exam questions prior to the posting of the exam key. } 2. Lisa's phone number. } 3. The true "dimensions" of Clarence Thomas. } 4. All about nuclear fission (that one slipped out). } 5. Where Jimmy Hoffa (and Elvis) are. } 6. Dan Quayle's sexual preference (and secret relationship with T. } Kennedy). } 7. Why Letterman does 10 and the Oracle only 7. } } However, I can connect you to a mortal font of wisdom who just happens } to be an expert on the subject. Let me just plug this in... } } <<<<<<>>>>> } } BEARDED PROFESSOR TYPE: You were saying, Mr. Quayle... } } (Quayle wakes up, wiping drool from his cheek) } } J. DANFORTH QUAYLE: Yes, as I was saying, P most certainly does not } equal VP! } } BEARDED PROFESSOR: Er, Uh... You mean NP. } } J. DANFORTH QUAYLE: Yes, why he gets to fly in Air Force One, I } only get Air Force Two. } } HECKLER: Hey you idiot, it's a mathematical question. } } J. DANFORTH QUAYLE: You're darn right. Do you know what the } president makes a year? } } HECKLER2: We need a proof Mr. Quayle! } } J. DANFORTH QUAYLE: Oh, I see. How's this... } } P flies 1 } VP flies 2 } 1 is not equal to 2 } therefore P is not equal to VP! } Q.E.D. } } BEARDED PROFESSOR: (muttering) Quayle Espouses Dogma } } <<<<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>> } } You owe the Oracle a free ride on Air Force One. --- 371-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: J.Cheetham.bra0116@oasis.icl.co.uk The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle,Oracle, burning bright > in Usenet jungles through the night, > what eternal hand or eye > could frame thy fearful... belly-button lint? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Human, Human, mini mite, } In Urban jungles, out of sight, } Human, Human, tiny spore, } I'll answer your question, your faith restore. } } I exist; always have, always will. } With me there was no spawn to spill. } I'm the one and only, no Mom or Dad, } No one to tell me, "Be good, not bad". } } Because of this I have no button, } No dimple down there, I ain't got nuthin'. } And thus, no fiber, no fuzz, no lint. } But finding this out, you'll now pay a mint. } } You see, I hate being buttonless; it makes me mad. } And it's a sorry human that makes me sad. } Your question answered, I'll have one yet, } So now, in payment, it's *your's* I'll get. --- 371-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I've never seen a purple cow. Why not? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } What nerve, I mean WHAT NERVE! ...Daring to ask of me without at least } a few good sentences of groveling. Well, you know what? I'm going to } answer your pitiful excuse for a question anyway. So There!! } } Throughout their long and painful history, purple cows were constantly } teased and discriminated against by TnormalU cows. In the T30s, it } actually became the trend not even to converse with purple cows, but } just to say 'Mauooooooooooove' until they went away, alone and } humiliated. Finally, the purple cows got so fed up with this that } they all migrated to Tibet. While there, they spent all of their time } practicing the secret arts of stealth and disguise. So that's why } you've never seen one. They've all been in Tibet. However.... Just } last week, they all returned. They are planning to take over the } world, slaughtering millions in reparation for their earlier } subjugation. But first, they are gathering information. They are } everywhere. All around you. Hiding in the shadows. Let's see.... } yes, there is even one reading over your shoulder as you read this. It } is probably thinking, "Finally, it is time. The glorious revolution } begins now. Die, you human scum." Have a nice day. } } You owe the Oracle something for this damn machine that can interpret } SmartQuotes. --- 371-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > If I scream loud enough at my wife, will she love me again? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Perhaps you should ask the question: } } "If I love my wife enough, will she scream loudly again?" --- 371-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christopher Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How can I configure X11R5 without (the files from) /usr/lib/X11/fonts, > but only the font server ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Excuse me, I'll have to look up the recipe.... Ah yes, here it is. } Dissolve and soak for 10 minutes: 1/2 to 1 cake compressed yeast } 1 tablespoon brown sugar } into 1/4 cup warm water. } Combine 950g whole grain flower, 70g dry milk solids (6cups, 1/2cup) } Combine 2 cups warm water, 18g NaCl, 20..40g Melted Bacon Fat, } 80..130g dark molasses or honey. (1Tbs, 1..3Tbs, 4..6Tbs) } } Combine yeast and H(sub2)O mixtures gradually. Beat in flower. Knead } breifly adding some flour. } Rise once in mixing bouls, } once in baking pans. } Bake at 176 (celcius degrees or 350 Fareinheit degrees) 45 minutes or } until hollow-sounding when tapped. } ----- } Your X11R5 is now configured. Get your font server to slice and serve } warm with butter. You now owe the Oracle a slice of your X11R5 made } from scratch. --- 371-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > If you love someone should you really set them free? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } After you're all done, of course. But let them beg for it; otherwise, } where's the thrill? --- 371-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Otis 'Hammersmith' Viles <4164@alma.edu> The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great Oracle whose core never dumps, > answer me this: > > Why did my fish have to die? He was the liveliest one. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The answer, oh humble supplicant, is perfectly simple. } } In order for the amount of energy in the world to remain at a constant } level, it is necessary for any entity which appears to be using too } much of it to be removed, so that a creature may come into existence } which will not exceed its quota. It is for this reason that people in } cars and on motorbikes die much more often than those who are simply } walking along the street. Your fish, being unusually lively, was the } unfortunate victim of this eternal equation, and should serve as a } warning to you to give up any exercise in which you may chance to be } currently engaged. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of "How to be a Couch-Potato"