From kinzler@cs.indiana.edu Mon Oct 9 21:39:29 1989 Path: iuvax!kinzler From: Stephen Kinzler Newsgroups: rec.humor,in.bizarre Subject: Usenet Oracularities #4 Message-ID: <27429@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu> Date: 10 Oct 89 02:39:29 GMT Xref: iuvax rec.humor:30292 in.bizarre:255 === 4 ==================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #4 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: 10 Oct 89 02:39:29 GMT To find out how to ask a question of the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. --- 4-01 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How do "personal" computers do to get that description? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Your question can be easily answered, by examining the different } meanings of the adjective "personal" : } 1. of, relating to, or affecting a person } It is clear that all "personal computers" affect the person } who operates them. Any examination of a sufficiently large } sample would reveal that people who operate "personal computers" } tend to be aggressive, cyclothymic and unreliable. } 2. of, relating to, or constituting personal property } This is indeed tha case with the majority of the so-called } "personal computers." Rare is the case of such a machine } constituting the property of more than one person, and these } cases almost inevitably end in the killing of the operator } who has all the high scores. } 3. rational and self-conscious } This is completely false and preposterous. No further } explanation is needed. } } Since two out of three definitions match the facts and only one } contradicts them, by the majority rule, these machines deserve } their description. --- 4-02 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How many roads must a man walk down before he finds a > damn good pub? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Let us define n to be the number of roads a man must travel before he } finds the pub defined above. We may thus define n+1 to be the first } road which a man need not travel in order to reach a good pub. Now the } traversal of road n+1 is not a necessary condition, but rather a } sufficient one; thus it is sufficient for n+2 as well. Thus the } statement is true for x roads where x is >= n. Therefore, by induction, } it is true for any finite number x greater than n. We may conclude that } the statement is true for sufficiently large x, or alternatively that as } x approaches infinity, the number of roads that have been travelled } become sufficient to have found a good pub. } } Does this answer your question? --- 4-03 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > what does unix mean!!! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Unix * means: } - the end of life as we know it } - the beginning of life as we can't even imagine } - a phonetic transcription of the word for a bunch of castrated harem } guards } - a pun on Multics? nah ... } - welcome to the world of the cyberpunks! } - partytime for the hackers and crackers } - never having to say DIR } } * UNIX is a Trademark of Bell Laboratories. --- 4-04 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, please tell me how I can abate myself of my nipple fixation. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah, my son, or daughter as the case may be, your inquiry on the true } path is vague. You may remove your nipple fixation with a sharp knife } and a large dosage of ethyl alcohol, or do it sober if you are brave. On } the other hand, if this obsession of yours is of OTHER persons' nipples, } another method will suffice. Take the afore mentioned dirk and remove } your sinful eyes. } Do not shy from these methods. The road of truth is a long and arduous } one only the valiant and pure may tread. } The Oracle has spoken. --- 4-05 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is the largest root of the polynomial > > 1 * x ^ 71 + 0 * x ^ 70 - 1 * x ^ 69 - 2 * x ^ 68 - 1 * x ^ 67 > + 2 * x ^ 66 + 2 * x ^ 65 + 1 * x ^ 64 - 1 * x ^ 63 - 1 * x ^ 62 > - 1 * x ^ 61 - 1 * x ^ 60 - 1 * x ^ 59 + 2 * x ^ 58 + 5 * x ^ 57 > + 3 * x ^ 56 - 2 * x ^ 55 - 10 * x ^ 54 - 3 * x ^ 53 - 2 * x ^ 52 > + 6 * x ^ 51 + 6 * x ^ 50 + 1 * x ^ 49 + 9 * x ^ 48 - 3 * x ^ 47 > - 7 * x ^ 46 - 8 * x ^ 45 - 8 * x ^ 44 + 10 * x ^ 43 + 6 * x ^ 42 > + 8 * x ^ 41 - 5 * x ^ 40 - 12 * x ^ 39 + 7 * x ^ 38 - 7 * x ^ 37 > + 7 * x ^ 36 - 1 * x ^ 35 - 3 * x ^ 34 + 10 * x ^ 33 + 1 * x ^ 32 > - 6 * x ^ 31 - 2 * x ^ 30 - 10 * x ^ 29 - 3 * x ^ 28 + 2 * x ^ 27 > + 9 * x ^ 26 - 3 * x ^ 25 + 14 * x ^ 24 - 8 * x ^ 23 + 0 * x ^ 22 > - 7 * x ^ 21 + 9 * x ^ 20 + 3 * x ^ 19 - 4 * x ^ 18 - 10 * x ^ 17 > - 7 * x ^ 16 + 12 * x ^ 15 + 7 * x ^ 14 + 2 * x ^ 13 - 12 * x ^ 12 > - 4 * x ^ 11 - 2 * x ^ 10 + 5 * x ^ 9 + 0 * x ^ 8 + 1 * x ^ 7 > - 7 * x ^ 6 + 7 * x ^ 5 - 4 * x ^ 4 + 12 * x ^ 3 - 6 * x ^ 2 > + 3 * x ^ 1 - 6 * x ^ 0 > > really > 1.3035772690342963912570991121525498 > or were my calculations wrong ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah, my son, you have made two errors. One is that of the value of } mathematics. For, in the subjective reality in which each of us floats, } math and logic are merely shadows brought on by late night pizzas and } staring at computer monitors. Whatever you believe the answer to be is } fine in your thoughtstream. } The second is the problem of quantum uncertainty. The machine or } neurological system calculating this is subject to quatum fluctuations } which build up in more complicated problems. This allows for variation } of output. There is a real chance that two devices can arrive at } different answers, though both have followed the same, CORRECT, methods. } Thus, both answers are right. Thus, any single answer is useless. A } divergent answer is not an indication of wrongness, just an indication } of the natural order. } There exist thinkers who have not yet reached this level of sophistry, } and thus their minds may not be equipped to comprehend the vast truth of } the Oracle. Some of these karmic dwarves seem to be in postitions of } intellectual power, known as `professors', or more generally, } `teachers'. If they doubt the veracity of your enlightened state, you } may refer them to the priesthood of Oracle. } We bless you. --- 4-06 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah, you have expressed the basic question of all philosophy and } religion. What should my question be? The hopeless and meaningless } nature of living is evident all around, but many feel there MUST be some } goal to strive for, some question which has an answer and can fill the } void of What should I do? The Oracle smiles upon you. } The answer to your question is this question: `Why, when I'm not busy } and up to my neck in overdue work, is life still so unenjoyable?' } For the answer to that question, you must ask the Oracle again. --- 4-07 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is it that makes mosquitos attack some people, like me, > more viciously and consistantly than other people? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Mosquitos may attack some people because they sense the true depravity } that exists in the soul of those they attack. Perhaps they are sent to } purify the world of the spiritually impure by giving them diseases such } as malaria. Perhaps they are the servants of evil sent to devour all } that is good and spread pestilance around the globe. Maybe it's a } biochemical thing. Or maybe it's just a coincidence? (Sorry I can't } narrow down the answer) --- 4-08 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why is there UNIX? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } UNIX is god's second gift upon mankind to cleanse us of } all our sins. His first gift was ?... you guessed it } , toenail clippers. Anyways, UNIX shall cleanse the world } off the sins creadted by VMS and allow mankind to rise to a } new level of consciencousness. --- 4-09 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why is one prong on a wall plug wider than the other? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, supposedly, it's because this arrangement protects your electronic } equipment by providing a ground. Actually, it's because the great Gods } of Electromotive Force require a small sacrifice of time and profanity } every time you plug something in. --- 4-10 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why is todd so dumb? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Actually, many people have pondered this question throughout history, } along with many other important questions of philosophy, such as: "Why } is there air?" "Does the little light in the refridgerator stay on when } you close the door?" "Is there life after death, and if so, do they have } bowling leagues?" Alas, we can only guess at the answers to such } questions (though there are some individuals who believe the answer to } these questions, along with others, lies within the mystic chantings of } the Zubutu frog-lickers.) "Why is Todd so dumb?" Well, all evidence, } gleaned from years of deep thought and sophisticated philosophical } research, can yield only the following answer, inadequate though it may } be: "Because he is."