From kinzler@cs.indiana.edu Tue Oct 10 13:37:58 1989 Path: iuvax!kinzler From: Stephen Kinzler Newsgroups: rec.humor,in.bizarre Subject: Usenet Oracularities #5 Message-ID: <27474@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu> Date: 10 Oct 89 18:37:58 GMT Xref: iuvax rec.humor:30307 in.bizarre:256 === 5 ==================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #5 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: 10 Oct 89 18:37:58 GMT To find out how to ask a question of the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. --- 5-01 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Are the rumours true that the Oracle is really a secret artificial > intelligence project being run by a renegade group of psychology and > computer science professors? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No sirree. Nope. Not at all. Of course not. What a silly thought. } Not renegades, anyway. --- 5-02 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > tell me who are you? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } All wisdom I've kept, } Truth flows from my pen. } I rest not (except, } For a nap now and then). } } Most holy and blessed, } I've lived for all time. } I state truth (when not pressed } By the need for a rhyme). } } So though all my meanings you often may miss, } Although I have made many sob, } If I answered you guys any clearer than this, } I soon would be out of a job. --- 5-03 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is it true that Albert Einstein was actually experimenting with a crude > form of LSD when he "discovered" relativity? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes, it is very true. It seems that the 'intellectual' drug of choice } was either aspirin or coka cola. He was actually the inventor of LSD } but that information has been overshadowed by his other accomplishments. } Albert Einstein is the father of relativity and the mother of invention } and the bastard son of LSD. --- 5-04 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why are they still making pennies? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Why are they asking pennies? For a very simple reason, } imagine what you would sound like if they stopped... } "A penny for your thoughts" } "A penny a day keeps the doctor paid" } "A penny saved is a penny earned" } "Love is like a magic penny" } } If there were no longer pennies, then you would sound like an } old fart (even if thou art already), and besides, would you really } want to go to the trouble of explaining what a penny was whenever you } used one of these phrases. } Besides, cashiers have to be able to get their revenge for } making change for a twenty some way. --- 5-05 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > We've all heard of rhetorical questions. What would be a rhetorical > answer? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } This is a rhetorical answer: wouldn't that be a rhetorical question? --- 5-06 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie - pop? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Surgeon General warns that licking to the center of a tootsie-pop } may cause cancer, heart disease, birth defects, and } obsessive-compulsive disorder. --- 5-07 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > So, I asked you "is a zebra a black animal with white stripes, or a > white animal with black stripes?" and you responded with a Null Answer. > What gives? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } So I answered with a proper response, considering the } question. A zebra is neither a black animal with white stripes nor a } white animal with black stripes, and thus the answer of the Null } Answer. I was under the impression that this was obvious, and so did } not wish to humiliate you with an answer... } However, since you require me to belabor the obvious, a zebra, } as everyone knows, is a purple paisley animal with black *and* white } stripes. --- 5-08 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh hippopotamic one, tell me, If I am driving my car at the speed of > light, and I turn on my headlights, will they make any difference ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } An interesting question - and most original. Did you think it up all by } yourself ? What a creative mind you must have. } } The answer, though, is obvious. To achieve the speed of light in your } car for just a fraction of a section would require vast amounts of fuel. } Since the capacity of your car's petrol tank will cater for a minute } portion of this massive fuel requirement it is therefore impossible for } you to achieve this speed anyway. So turning your lights on in that } situation is an impossibility therefore the answer is nothing would } happen because you couldn't have done it in the first place. } } Were you to achieve this speed (for the sake of the mental exercise) the } answer becomes : "It depends if you are in drive or reverse gear." --- 5-09 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I spend 3 hours reading News & Mail each day, how can I reduce this > time ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Buy a portable terminal, leap into hyperspace and you'll be able to read } them in MINUS three hours... but why should you read News & Mail when } there is a real Oracle available? --- 5-10 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Does the Oracle have a physical existence? Is it based on our planet? > Does it like da-chen chicken? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle looks much like the 90-year-old white-haired moron dwarf } called Otto Metzger who used to sell matches at the Berliner } Hauptbahnhof in the 1890s, except that the Oracle is much older, taller } and more intelligent. } } At the moment, the Mighty Oracle is lying badly beaten in a cell at the } HQ of the Albanian Secret Service in Tirana. } } Does ANYONE like da-chen chicken?