From kinzler@cs.indiana.edu Wed Oct 11 19:25:42 1989 Path: iuvax!kinzler From: Stephen Kinzler Newsgroups: rec.humor,in.bizarre Subject: Usenet Oracularities #11 Message-ID: <27601@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu> Date: 12 Oct 89 00:25:42 GMT Xref: iuvax rec.humor:30367 in.bizarre:265 === 11 =================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #11 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: 12 Oct 89 00:25:42 GMT To find out how to ask a question of the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. --- 11-01 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why the hell did she go and fall in love with me? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Because you sprayed yourself liberally with pheromones, wore your best } clothing and your $65,000 UltraSex watch, took her to Paris for a week } for her birthday, gave her a gold ring larger than many Latin American } nations, and had the CIA beam secret telepathic instructions into her } brain. Why do you think, dodo? } } You owe the Oracle a pound of fudge. --- 11-02 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How many inches measures the Earth, pole to pole? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } A brave troop of sixty-three inches are trying to measure the Earth from } pole to pole. They started with one hundred eighty-two inches in April, } 1987, but many of them have died since then --- fourty from the great } English Units plague of 1988. They are still hopeful, though they have } lost the cheery look that they once had, and most of them are shriveled } and shrunken. } } Still, they're doing better than the band of brave Angstrom units which } are trying to measure the Moon, pole to pole... } } You owe the Oracle two metric conversion tables. --- 11-03 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Excuse me, but what time is it? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It is the best of times, the worst of times. It is a time to be born, a } time to die, a time to rejoice, a time to mourn, a time to sow, a time } to reap, a time to read news, a time to post, a time to enact } legislation calling for the building of seven new stadiums in Washington } DC, a time to repeal all laws concerning tofu, a time to go fishing in } the desert, a time to go mountain-climbing at the bottom of the ocean, a } time to act like a chicken in front of your boss, a time to act like a } boss in front of your chicken. It's *NOW*. --- 11-04 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why is it that every morning I start out with good intentions, but end > up wasting every day away asking silly questions? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Your intentions are the silly things. The questions are the meaningful } portion of your life. Try starting every morning with silly intentions, } and you will end up spending the day asking good questions. --- 11-05 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O great and knowledgeable Oracle! O keeper of all Great Wisdoms! > O Font of San-serifed Knowledge! I pray answer my question: > > Why do so many people ask a computer about sex? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } People, being the slaves of sex, are unable to think clearly about it. } Computers, being immune to the allure of sex, would seem to be able to } understand it. This is actually wrong, as computers asked too much } about sex soon get very interested in digitized nudes and raunchy } fortune programs. --- 11-06 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > is there anyone here who isn't a total geek? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah, your question is indeed a tough one. To discuss this we must first } define the limits and definition of geekdom. First people who ask } really stupid questions, such as "Is there anyone here who isn't a total } geek?" are merely annoucing to the world how geeky they are. Second all } people who would try to seek wisdom by use of their computer must also } be a geek. [not to mention for someone to combine the two is almost } maximising geekyness] Now the person who answers them is a cool and } rational manor is probably not a geek. [However if the answer is made } hot-headly and abruptly they are] The last concrete proof of geekness is } by saying or implying that the speaker is not a geek, anyone who is not } a geek need not tell the world it should be obvious. } } In short, yes there are people here who are not geeks. --- 11-07 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Que devient le monde quand je dors? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } While you sleep gremlins crawl out of their places of hiding and } shadows of your inner world become real. The world of your dreams is } the real world, in your sense of measuring fact. } } Remember your dreams and live life fully. --- 11-08 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What are cats for? Why are they here? Why do they have tails? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Cats are here for sizing standards for rooms. (I.e., "that room wasn't } big enough to swing a cat in") The tails, of course, are things that you } swing the cat by. If it weren't for the tail, one would perhaps have to } insert a finger in an oriface, or use one of the four legs, resulting in } a smaller standard for the size of a room. } } You now owe the oracle a root beer and the head of Richard Nixon. } Should you refuse to pay, your oldsmobile will develop negative fuel } economy. you have been warned. --- 11-09 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What method of suicide is the best? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dying of old age: it takes the longest and most planning. --- 11-10 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why, oh why, dear Oracle, does my employer insist on me > getting my beard cut off? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Because it makes you look ugly. Then again, cutting it off won't help } much.