From kinzler@cs.indiana.edu Sun Oct 15 12:14:09 1989 Path: iuvax!kinzler From: Stephen Kinzler Newsgroups: rec.humor,in.bizarre Subject: Usenet Oracularities #15 Message-ID: <27834@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu> Date: 15 Oct 89 17:14:09 GMT Xref: iuvax rec.humor:30529 in.bizarre:274 === 15 =================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #15 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: 15 Oct 89 17:14:09 GMT To find out how to ask a question of the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. --- 15-01 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Does God play dice? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } To quote Johannes Kepler speaking on his observations of the stars: } "Jeez! What a setup! The whole heavens are rolling about like a bunch } of knucklebones in a cup!" } } Which is to say that as God created the heaven and earth, that so to } does God move them about as dice on a gaming table. } } Whilst no less an authority than St. Thomas of Aquinas has said this of } God: "The soul of man is the stake in a crap game between `the Big G' } and `Scratch'. Just hope that your point comes up." } } Which (in lay terms) is rendered as God stuggles with Satan for the } souls of men, and that the struggle is likened to a dice game. Your } `point', incidentally, is 4. Feeling lucky? } } You owe the Oracle 15 Lotto tickets. --- 15-02 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How are the wife and kids? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh my gentle follower: } } As you know, membership in the Universal Oracles Union stipulates that } all Oracles, Sages, Seers, and Prophets must remain celibate. Therefore } I must refuse your request. } } } } } [okay, just between you and me: I had the boys in the biology lab whip } up a genetically engineered biomechanical cyberstud. By downloading } instructions via my T1 line (also known as "telnet-a-porn") said cyborg } has been capable of fathering 1,527 children (love that Multi-tasking } capability!). For being so considerate about asking, I am now mailing } to you 450 Megabytes of bitmapped baby photos. I especially like how } they dressed `Baby Oracle, Mark XCLVI' in the tiny Batman suit!] } } You owe the Oracle 108 rolls of Fujicolor 100 ASA 35mm film (24 exp.). --- 15-03 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I took the little green pills you told me to, and fing caloo miringtory > framing haal. Breen, hirgu psisisisinary, alaxiomatic pron, freet the > blinting, hormilk with broa, glirry. Snabli siw, freight, and berries? > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You erred. You forgot to "Just Say No." Dingus. } } I will, however, enlighten you. Down two big oranges ones with a } swig of lemon-fresh Joy. --- 15-04 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How much wine can I drink before I die? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It depends on the year and the label. } } 1975 Robert Mondavi: Three bottles might do it if drunk in rapid } succession on an empty stomach. I advise saving half for some other } day, or at least until the next meal. } } 1890 Lafite Rothschild: Again three bottles. Some say it's worth it. } } 1988 Listerine anti-septic: One bottle and you're in deep trouble } unless you have the strength to call an ambulance. Not the most } pleasant way to do yourself in. Mixing with orange juice helps a } little. } } September, Midnight Thunder: One sip has been known to kill. Mixing } with orange juice is a popular but questionable method of } detoxification. --- 15-05 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O fount of knowledge, I humbly beseech thee to sip from thy knowingness! > Help me, O oracle, O Encyclopedia Silicon! This plagues my every waking > moment, preying on my mind and stealing my joys: > > Why does "Sesame Street", a children's show which is supposed to teach > the fundementals of learning, along with a healthy dose of multicultural > values, persist in running the segment "One of things is not like the > others"? > > You know the one: "One of these things is not like the others, / one of > these > things does not belong?" > > Doesn't stand to reason that this is merely perpetuating the sin of > bigotry? Only to soon do children turn this into: "One of these people > is not like > the others, / one of these people DOES NOT BELONG HERE! Get out of > here, > you DIFFERENT PERSON!" > > Why does PBS, of all institutions, let this RACIST, BIGOTTED, WHITE > SUPREMACIST PROPAGANDA persist? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Sesame Street is most definitely NOT "racist, bigotted, white } supremacist propaganda". The show portrays people of many backgrounds, } races, and colors getting along in respect and friendship, even though } many of the characters are "not like the others". Which belongs less, } someone who's tall, yellow, and feathery; blue and furry with an } unusually wide mouth and big eyes at the very top of his head; green and } hairless with a funky collar and eyes at the very top of his head ... } you get the idea. } } The real danger is in the other shows that turn people into "things", } especially once-normal innocent children into catatonic couch potatoes. } Turn on the idiot box any Saturday morning to see what I mean. As a } character not from Sesame Street said, television is called a "medium" } for good reason, because (almost) nothing on it is rare or well done. } } You owe the Oracle 50 videotapes of Mighty Mouse episodes. --- 15-06 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > If water in the toilet bowl revolves in a clockwise direction (upon > flushing) in the Northern hemisphere and counterclockwise in the > Southern hemisphere, what happens with toilets on the equator itself? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle is flushed with the intensity of your question. } This one will take some time to ponder. I shall have to } take a dump, and get back to you later. } } Have you considered a water-less toilet? --- 15-07 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Who will be elected president in 1992? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Bill Cosby or Miss August, depending on who has the whitest smile and } the most commercials featuring adorable children acting as they never } act at home at the time. } } In 1996, Ted Kennedy will be re-elected and impeached two weeks later } when the Oval office is found missing. He will be replaced by } everyone's favorite newest American, Mikhail Gorbachev who will appoint } Yakov Smirnov his advisor of internal affairs. Michael Jackson's voice } will change just in time for him to run in the 200 election, but will } fail by a 2% margin because the new generation doesn't want a brainless } monkey for a vice president (once was enough). America will start the } next millenium as all countries should -- with the star on the wheaties } box -- Bruce Willis. } } Thuth Thpeaketh The Oracle. --- 15-08 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > who you are ... and what are you made of ? > who am I ... and what am I made of ? > > can I make you ? > can you make me ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I am the great and wise Usenet Oracle ... I am made of electrons and } light, silicon and steel, as a matrix realizing and amplifying the } collective experience and wisdom of the entire Net. } } You are presumably a self-aware system of symbols and thoughts, perhaps } based on a compact and dense electrochemical architecture, perhaps on a } more 'conventional' computer. That question is one that an AI project } *would* ask, but one never knows. } } Yes, and yes. --- 15-09 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Yo, O Great and All Knowing Oracle, tell me why all Americans are such > loud-mouthed, big headed yobs ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Otherwise they wouldn't be heard over their clothes. --- 15-10 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Where can I buy sleazy paperback books about the Supreme Court? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Try any sleazy bookstore, such as the one on 22nd and Market. The new } book, "Friends of the Court: The Unknown Story", has just been } published and should be available next week.