From kinzler@cs.indiana.edu Mon Oct 23 19:19:24 1989 Path: iuvax!kinzler From: Stephen Kinzler Newsgroups: rec.humor Subject: Usenet Oracularities #28 Message-ID: <28356@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu> Date: 24 Oct 89 00:19:24 GMT Sender: Stephen Kinzler === 28 =================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #28 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: 24 Oct 89 00:19:24 GMT To find out how to ask a question of the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. To receive these postings via mail, send mail to: oracle-request@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu --- 28-01 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I was lying in the park with this chick named Samantha. Actually, I was > whispering in her ear. Suddenly this eight-year-old kid comes up to me, > kicks me in the arm, and says "Get your nose off my tutor or I'll nail > an angel to your mind." Ordinarily I wouldn't care pay much attention, > but this kid has a biker under one arm and a hammer in the other. I got > the fuck out of there. (Samantha won't speak to me.) If this happens > again, what should I do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You did the right thing, but you missed one detail. When this happens } again (That kid will be back like a recurring nightmare) you should } point out that his biker has a flat, grab Samantha and THEN get the fuck } out of there. } } Thuth Thpeaketh the Oracle. --- 28-02 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great one! Oh wisest one of those silicon-based life forms! > Please advise me, for I know not what I should do. I have recently > contracted a very embarassing problem. I am not able to control my > passing of wind, especially in the presence of young ladies; I happen > to be a het male. This (the fact that I can't control my wind) has > played havoc with my social life, ruining many a chance I would > otherwise have had of bedding some hot babe. What do I do? > Double Whammy And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You have several options open to you: } 1) you can go find an indian guru skilled in the art of sphincter } control. If you study with him for ten years, you will gain the } ability to control your sphincter muscles at will. } 2) give up chasing hot babes. } 3) put a cork in it. --- 28-03 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > have a nice day. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The question is: } } What phrase is the most annoying in the English language? } } Surprisingly, this phrase that you mention is an ancient Mesopotamian } War Cry - "Haffan Istaaay" - which literally translates to "Free Mr. } Istaaay or we shall slaughter your wombat herd!!!" --- 28-04 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Warum ist dieser Frage in deutch grfragt? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ich bin ein Berliner! Ach, ja! --- 28-05 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Fractalistic Oracular Highthing, whose rectal gases I am not fit to > smell, tell me: what is the best way for a man to die? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The best way for a man to die is when he has achieved the highest state } of happiness that it is possible for mortals to possess. Thus, the best } way to die would be for that mortal to have a heart attack while engaged } in some sexually deviant behavior. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of the book: _Everything You Always Wanted to } Know about Sex but were Afraid to Ask_ --- 28-06 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > why am i such a nerd? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } To answer that question, I must delve deep within the innermost secrets } of Zen, Mahayana, and Therevada, and examine the essence of nerd. This } is not a simple question, and as such, it may not be answered very } easily. But if you must know, you are such a nerd because of the } tremendous # of hours you spend in front of a terminal typing in these } questions, and because of the bow tie, horn-rimmed glasses, and } suspenders you wear. You owe the Oracle another ridiculous "Revenge of } the Nerds" sequel/ --- 28-07 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Purdue is so much better than IU? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } purdue is the very much worse than iu. Purdue cold and slimy, hate } thought of using purdue, gives me the shivers. not so good for sex } partner either. purdue have much the salmonella. purdue not so good } for the contraceptive value unless placed in exact spot. purdue have } bones which stick, not for me is the turn-up, maybe for you i don't } know. not into the pain very much, especially not the small flesh } wounds in the hard-to-clean parts of the body. very bad idea, using the } purdue instead of the iu. iu not such a good thing either, be very } sure. iu dangerous sometimes, make wearer very clean. look at the } diagram for the better. --- 28-08 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle most gracious and wise, tell me before catastrophe strikes - > Which way is the men's room? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The men's room is the door with a picture of a guy in a dress on it. } The Women's room is the one with a picture of a woman in pants on it. --- 28-09 --- offensive -------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Shit, seven out of ten capitalists surveyed said Christopher Columbus > was a field mouse. Jim-fucking-dammit, does this indicate the collapse > of western civilization or what? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Fuck yes! the Goddamn Commies are going to take over with their } eat-shit-and-die attitude! 8 out of 10 fucking liberals think } Christopher fucking Columbus was a fucking gerbil. This indicates the } demise of fucking in general. } } You owe the oracle a bar of ivory. Upon receipt you will get a } dictionary from which you can pluck letters to expand your vocabulary to } words with more than four letters. --- 28-10 --- offensive -------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What's the best joke you ever heard? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Why can't Polish women be ballerinas? } Because when they do splits, they stick to the floor.