From kinzler@cs.indiana.edu Tue Nov 14 14:13:26 1989 Path: iuvax!kinzler From: Stephen Kinzler Newsgroups: rec.humor Subject: Usenet Oracularities #55 Message-ID: <29638@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu> Date: 14 Nov 89 19:13:26 GMT Sender: Stephen Kinzler === 55 =================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #55 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: 14 Nov 89 19:13:26 GMT To find out how to ask a question of the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. To receive these postings via mail, send mail to: oracle-request@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu --- 55-01 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Mighty Oracle, whose breaths of fire scorch the evil of this world > Why is IBM #1? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } IBM is #1 in some ways of counting, and not in others. This is true of } nearly anything. Here are some of the more important ways that IBM is } #1: } } 1. Their products have the most comfortable seats of any major computer } producer. } } 2. IBM executives are the most uniform in appearance and personality of } any major company. } } 3. IBM has the most effective brain-reprogramming department of any } major company. (See 2.) } } 4. More starlings nest in IBM plants than nest in any other company's } plants. } } 5. IBM employs the largest number of people with harelips of any } organization in the world. } } 6. IBM has recently purchased the world's most expensive harmonica, } and donated it to an art museum. --- 55-02 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > 'ello, 'ello, 'ello... > > What's all this, then? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } This is outside your jurisdiction, Constable. And you didn't say hello } to the third Oracular Priestess -- most impolite. This is Sylvia, and } that's Jennifer, and the shy one you wouldn't even greet is Molly. What } we are doing is quite legal in this part of the world. These darling } ladies are the first Oracular Priestesses the Oracle has had in } centuries. Now get out of the Oracle's Temple before the Oracle calls } the _local_ police. Out! --- 55-03 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How much radiation do I receive from my Sun workstation's CRT display > and what are my chances of sterility from it? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You receive about two gigagrams per furlong of radiation from your } workstation. It will not help you get sterile. Your fingers will still } be grubby. } } You owe the Oracle an explanation of the metric system. --- 55-04 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why did I just shit in my pants? Did anyone else do it too? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes, most people in your area also did -- a low-frequency sound wave } caused sympathetic vibrations that made many people lose control of } their anal sphincters. Don't be ashamed! --- 55-05 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What flowers should I send a girl after a few dates? Do roses > correspond to "coming on too strong"? How about chrysanthemums? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You, sir, must understand the true symbolism of flowers. } } Roses: romantic love, and/or lust. } } Chrysanthamums: that you wish to have a more Japanese relationship with } her. } } Carnations: That you wish to buy her a set of luggage, but you are too } scared to ask her permission. } } Daisies: that you expect to be dead soon ("pushing up the daisies") and } therefore want to have as much enjoyment as she can provide in what } little remains of your life. } } Dahlias: that you want to have a short, casual affair (dalliance) with } her. } } Venus Fly-Trap: that you want to cover her genital region with glue, or } some similar substance. } } Sunflowers: That you wish she were taller and blonder, but, } nonetheless, you would be sad if Karl Marx gave either of you a } reliquary. } } Violets: That you and she should find a Satanist organization as soon } as possible, either to join or to destroy as suits your fancy. } } Tulips: That Elizabeth Taylor is a pea-brained ninja who should have } given up making movies to marry several major U.S. political figures. } } Well, this is only a sample, but you get the idea. Consult } Broglogustrum's _Complete Book of Flower Arrangements_ for more details. --- 55-06 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Every night while she sleeps, my girlfriend slowly changes into a > shapeless blob of pulsating flesh, still wrapped in her own skin. By > morning she is herself again, and apparently none the wiser. Should I > tell her about this? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Nah. --- 55-07 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > An ORACLE is: > 1a: a person (as a priestess of ancient Greece) through whom a deity > is believed to speak > 1b: a shrine in which a deity so reveals hidden knowledge or the > divine purpose > 1c: an answer or decision given by an oracle > 2a: a person giving wise or authoritative decisions or opinions > 2b: an authoritative or wise expression or answer > > Which one of the above describes you best and if the answer is either > (1a) or (1b), which deity do you speak for? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } 1a is the closest to an appropriate answer. The Usenet Oracle speaks } for whatever gods (or other beings) happened to be paying attention. I, } myself, am an Athena-worshipper (more or less), but there are a wide } variety of other religions available on the network. } } You owe the Oracle this: to heal anyone you can, whenever you can. } Blessings, } One incarnation of the oracle --- 55-08 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I hope the Oracle has the answer to this most difficult question: Why > does my 25 year old son keep seeing a girl that he has broken up with > and only gives him grief? A puzzled mother wants to know! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hold it, the Oracle needs to switch modes for this one. What was the } magic word for the German Psychaiatrist again? Oh yes: Goot Zex! Goot } Zex! Goot Zex! Goot.. } } [blur blur blur] } } Ja! Dat ees much better! Vell, ve schall see joost vat ees vrong vit } your son, Frau Vorryvart. } } He ees 25 years old, eh? I vould say dat he is doing just vhat he damn } vell pleases, den! Actually, he ees seeing zis girl solely for der } poorpose of making you und nutzkopf. You should haff never given him } such a vhipping over that broken bowl vhen he vas drei years old. } } Actually, eef you vould just meet zis girl vitout your son around, you } vould see she ain't so bat after all, eh? } } So, quit meddling vit his bizness, unt get on vit your more pressing } matters, like vhen ees he going to produce some grandtchildren ver you } und Herr Vorryvart. } } Now, how vas dat I get back to zee normal Oracle? Oh ja, Veert Answers! } Veert Answers! Veert Answers! Veert... } } [blur blur blur] } } You owe the Oracle a better German accent. --- 55-09 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What would be a good question to ask you? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } To start off, that WAS a good question. } } Other good questions include... } Why is the soap dish always in line with the water in the shower? } What is the correct response to "Thanks for calling!" } What is the correct response to "What's up?" } Do we have the right to an attorney being present on Judgment Day? } Why did Ronald Reagan have to wait until AFTER he left office to } have his brain fixed? } Why do health food fanatics not look so healthy? } Was Manuel Noriega any fun when he was a kid? } If diamonds tasted like chocolate, would people actually eat them? } Why don't acoustic guitars have wa-wa sticks? } Whatever happened to the manned Mars mission Bush promised us? } Why do smokers think they have the right to litter the world with } cigarette butts? } Why are places that are open 24 hours have locks on the doors? } Why does the lighter flame drop to an unusable height every time you try } to do a bong load? } } Just to get you started. --- 55-10 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Ann Oracle, > > Why do fools fall in love? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } To ensure propagation of the species, it is necessary for the male to } identify himself as available for breeding, and to announce his } intentions to as wide an area as possible. The female, in turn, will } respond to his signal - initiating a courtship ritual and leading } eventually to the marking of territory (also by broadcasting to the } surrounding area) and the building of a nest. } } Oh, sorry. That's the answer to "why do birds sing so gay?" Fools fall } in love to provide sport for the gods. } } You owe the oracle two shiny things and a beakfull of twigs.