From kinzler@cs.indiana.edu Wed Nov 15 18:54:07 1989 Path: iuvax!kinzler From: Stephen Kinzler Newsgroups: rec.humor Subject: Usenet Oracularities #58 Message-ID: <29759@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu> Date: 15 Nov 89 23:54:07 GMT Sender: kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Keywords: offensive === 58 === offensive ===================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #58 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: 15 Nov 89 23:54:07 GMT To find out how to ask a question of the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. To receive these postings via mail, send mail to: oracle-request@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu --- 58-01 --- offensive -------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How can I reach the fourth plateau, and who is this Lisa person > everyone's obsessed with? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The fourth plateau is most easily reached by obtaining access to the } three plateaus below it. The four plateaus are: } } First : mouth-to-mouth contact (kissing to the unenlightened) } Second: Stroking of the upper part of the body (petting above } the waist) } Third : Stroking of the lower part of the body (petting below } the waist) } Fourth: Coitus (getting laid, screwing, and other such things) } } When a state of mutual hormonal excitement is entered, (usually while } the first plateau is being crossed), the second and third will follow in } sequence, unless you are in a decided hurry, in which case you may } remove all clothing and proceed to the fourth plateau. Otherwise, take } it slow and easy, and you will find that it is a downhill rush from the } first to the last if the desire to achieve the plateau being sought is } mutual. } } Lisa is the net.sex.goddess. Read rec.humor! } } You owe the oracle a trip to see his SO for some plateau-traversing. --- 58-02 --- offensive -------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > what da fuck? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle is impressed by your terse, mordant wit. What brilliance! } Samuel Johnson could not have done as well! } } A fuck is an act of sexual intercourse, or the person you perform such } an act with, or simply a (probably stupid or pitiable) person in general } (as in "that poor dumb fuck doesn't know how to..."). --- 58-03 --- offensive -------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why does it hurt when I pee? > Why does it hurt when I pee? > I don't want no doctor to stick no needle in me... > Why does it hurt when I pee? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Be careful where you stick it. } Don't let the bad ones lick it. } You used it once to think with, } } you owe the Oracle the last line of this poem. --- 58-04 --- offensive -------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What's the correct response to "Thanks for calling!" > And in a similiar vein... > What's the correct response to "What's up?"? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The correct response is a rather noncommittal, shallow-sounding } "Oh, sure" and "Not much...". } } The sarcastic response is "Oh, you're welcome" and "". } } The mad-at-the-world response is "Fuck you" and "Fuck you!". --- 58-05 --- offensive -------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is there a real person named Howard Johnson, responsible for those > horrid places with the orange roofs and the pecan logs? > > What about Stuckey's? Is there a Mr or Ms Stuckey? And *why* is there > never a Stuckey's anywhere near where I've lived? I only see them when > I'm driving cross country -- are they mere illusions that fade under > careful scrutiny? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } There was a real person named Howard Johnson, but he is dead. He has } left relatives, one of which was named for him and is still involved in } the business. } } There was a Stuckey, but he was bought out. You bring back dear } memories with the mention of Stuckey's. There is a Stuckey's building } (now taken over by a boat dealer) not 30 miles from the Oracle -- the } Stuckey's places in Illinois seem to be all shut down. } } At any rate, the Oracle and his dear sister, now the demigoddess of } surgery (and quite available if you're rich, brilliant, and as amazingly } well-read and talented as the Oracle is), used to go to Stuckey's and } get their free coloring books, filled with doggerel lauding Stuckey's. } A bit of careful work with black felt-tip pens and some editing of the } doggerel produced highly satisfying results, of which even today the } Oracle can remember a few: "Ev'ry trip's a torture trip / When it stops } at Fuckey's. / Piss and worms / Little germs / Love to stop at } Fuckey's." This was one of the milder alterations. } } By the way, the Oracle's sisteer makes Lisa look like a mindless } beagle... and if Lisa ever gets under her scalpel... --- 58-06 --- offensive -------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I have a worthless speech to give on Thursday in my Speech class. > I don't want to do so. > If I don't give my speech I will fail the class. > If I do not pass this class in the next two terms before I graduate, > I will not graduate. > If I do not graduate I will go to Arizona and get a job as > consulting engineer on a space-habitat research project. > I have already missed one speech in this class. > What will I do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Silly mortal! Simply look beyond whence you have looked. For your } convenience, I have cited your last conditional, and will pick up from } there: } } If I do not graduate I will go to Arizona and get a job as consulting } engineer on a space-habitat research project. } } If I go to Arizona and get a job as consulting engineer on a } space-habitat research project, I will do such impressive work that } the company in Arizona will hire me full-time. } If I do such impressive work that the company in Arizona will hire me } full time I will meet my future wife, a sexy and sharp scientist } who will lavish me with love and affection and give great head. } If I meet my future wife, a sexy and sharp scientist who will } lavish me with love and affection and give great head I will have } the self-confidence necessary to propell myself into the position } of coordinator of the space-habitat research project. } If I have the self-confidence necessary to propell myself into the } position of coordinator of the space-habitat research project, I } will eventually work my way up as a corporate executive. } If I work my way up as a corporate executive, I will have to lay off } seven people next year, including my wife, due to government budget } cuts in the space-habitat research project. } If I lay off seven people next year, including my wife, due to } government budget cuts in the space-habitat research project, my } wife will resent me, subject me to crude sexual insults and file } for divorce. } If my wife resents me, subjects me to crude sexual insults and files } for divorce, I will become depressed and start drinking. } If I become depressed and start drinking, I will soon lose my job with } the company in Arizona. } If I lose my job with the company in Arizona I will seek alcohol } counseling, find my way back to school, and finish that damn speech } class that I needed to graduate in the first place. } If I seek alcohol counseling, find my way back to school, and finish } that damn speech class that I needed to graduate in the first } place, I will graduate. } } I know it's tough to give up a corporate exec position, and yes, your } future wife will be able to suck a golf ball through twenty feet of } garden hose, but if you want my advice, sacrifice these things, get } off your lazy ass and finish the fuckin' speech right now. } } You owe the Oracle a twenty minute discussion on the virtues of } conditional statements in logic and reasoning. And your } ex-future-ex-wife's phone number. And a golf ball. And twenty feet } of garden hose. --- 58-07 --- offensive -------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle Most Wise, once in a while I get an interest in some strange > subject and start asking you questions. The subject now is: supple > girls. Not related to sex, just generally. > > Q: You must have known quite many girls in your long life. Who was the > most limber of them all? Can you give some examles of what she was > capable of doing with her supple self? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The most limber of all was a sorceress named Drusilla, who could render } herself entirely boneless if she wished, and ooze all over the Oracle, } providing intimate contact over half the surface of his skin...imagine } the feel of warm, soft woman-skin against half your body, with no gaps, } fitting against you like a tight glove. The Oracle gets aroused just } thinking of it. --- 58-08 --- offensive -------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle Most Wise, I have been asking about one topic lately. I just > got carried away. This will hopefully be the last of my peculiar > questions. The topic? Supple girls. > > I have a list of 7 pretty girls I know. I won't reveal their names, > but I am sure You must know who I mean. > > Oracle Most Wise, which ones (if any) of these 7 pretty girls are able > to relax comfortably in the lotus position? You know, sitting with > the legs almost like a knot, both feet resting lightly on the opposite > thigh. Can any of them even enter this supple position easily without > helping with their hands? > > I am just curious, you know. And I can't just go and ask them. > > There is an 8th pretty girl, she is in my class. I have once seen her > grab one ancle and place it behind her neck with ease. What more can > she do? > > Please, O Mighty Oracle, satisfy my curiousity. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Shirley and Janice can do the lotus position. Janice has been practising } from childhood and can do it hands-free. Your 8th girl has a neat trick } of sitting on the edge of a table with her legs tucked behind her } back, which gives you nearly limitless freedom, doesn't it! } } Did you realise, incidentally, that she shaves her public hair } and never wears a bra under that tight red sweater? --- 58-09 --- offensive -------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > You have told be about the sorceress Drusilla, who could render > herself boneless. Of course, no earhtly human can do that. But I > wonder, Oracle Most Wise, the most supple eathly girl you know, what, > exactly, is *she* able to do? I don't mean sex, I am sure you must > have had enough questions on that subject. > > Just what kinds of positions can she assume and what movements can she > make with her supple self? I am curious, so please tell me, > O Mighty One. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah, yes, just what positions! And oh what movements! Indeed, she is } far able to perform and surpass all positions given in the Kama Sutra! } Yes, flesh against flesh; touching, pulsating, brimming with life! The } hot, moist, sticky sensations as she performs obscenely erotic } techniques impossible to mere mortal females! } } -- But wait! You said you don't mean sex! Sigh, and just as the Oracle } was getting aroused. Well, then, lets see: } } o She can touch both her elbows with both hands } o She can put her knees behind her ears } o She can tie herself up like a pretzel } } Of course, these are all conducive to sex (the Oracle, after all, has an } infintely dirty mind). } } You owe the Oracle a life size, anatomically correct Gumby(TM) doll. --- 58-10 --- offensive -------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle Most Wise, I am sorry for all these questions about supple > girls. As I said, I got sort of carried away with a sudden > curiousity. This is definitely the last one on this subject, this > particular curiousity will soon be over. As I also said, *today* I am > not at all interested in sex, just suppleness as such. Please > remember that. > > I saw a girl on TV the other day. First she did the splits. Then she > bent the knee on the leg pointing back, to, say, 75'. And finally, as > if it was the easiest thing, she bent backwards till she could rest > her head on the back of her thigh, her chin agains her calf. > > Great Oracle, what other fantastic acts can this limber girl perform? > Can you give me an example or two? I would be grateful if you would > satisfy my curiousity. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } One act she REALLY has perfected is this: } } Starting standing up she start by extending her right arm straight } backwards VERY gracefully. Then she rotates her body so that the arm } points left. Last she rotates the body back and sends her right hand } at great speed into the face of the boy in front of her. } } You owe the Oracle a true love.