From kinzler@cs.indiana.edu Sun Nov 19 21:07:28 1989 Path: iuvax!kinzler From: Stephen Kinzler Newsgroups: rec.humor Subject: Usenet Oracularities #62 Message-ID: <29986@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu> Date: 20 Nov 89 02:07:28 GMT Sender: kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Keywords: offensive === 62 === offensive ===================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #62 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: 20 Nov 89 02:07:28 GMT To find out how to ask a question of the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. To receive these postings via mail, send mail to: oracle-request@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu --- 62-01 --- offensive -------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How does one distinguish between Ostrich guano and pigeon shit? Will > the answer to this question make me eternally happy? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The only sure-fire way to distinguish between the two is to take a } sample of the excretement, dry it, put it in a pipe, and smoke it. } } The ostrich guano will give you an excellent, long-lasting high, will } greatly enhance pleasurable sensations, and give you incredible sexual } stamina. } } Pigeon shit, on the other hand, is a different story. The high levels } of toxic chemicals, fumes, and garbage in the body of a typical city } dwelling pigeon make its feces extremely dangerous. Within minutes, you } will be reduced to a babbling, drooling, brain-damaged moron, and will } spend the rest of your life in a mental institution being spoon-fed } apple sauce and watching "The Price Is Right". } } This answer won't make you eternally happy, but smoking the pigeon shit } will. --- 62-02 --- offensive -------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why don't Christians seem to notice the > obvious contradiction in the first two pages of Genesis? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hmmmmm.... that depends entirely on what kind of Christians you mean. } Here are some examples of the way people think about the contradictions } you mention: } } Liberal Christians: } "Of course there are contradictions in Genesis. But after all, it's } only a myth, written several thousand years ago by poor ignorant } people who hadn't even heard about logic. And who believes in } myths, anyway?" } } Traditional Christians: } "It's not for you or me to criticize the Good Book. Simple folks as } us should leave that to the priests. And the vicar's never said } anything about contradictions. I suppose he would have told us if } it really was important." } } Ordinary, modern Christians: } "Uh? What contradictions? And what is Genesis?" } } Christian Fundamentalists: } "Every word in the Bible is TRUE because it was written by GOD. } Are you trying to tell me that GOD can be WRONG and CONTRADICT } himself? You'd better watch your TOUNGE, you UN-AMERICAN, } ATHEIST PINKO, or you'll end up in HELL, where people of your } sort BELONG, and where the CHOSEN FEW can watch your ETERNAL PAIN } and REALLY ENJOY IT! } And, IF there really ARE any so-called contradictions in the } HOLY BOOK, then the contradictions must be RIGHT and your } miserable man-made logic must be WRONG." } } Modern Mystics: } "What you haven't understood is that contradiction is the very } essence of Deity. It is only in the contradiction, which nullifies } our entire deterministic, reductionistic way of thinking we can } get an intuitive grasp of the true nature of Deity. God both is } *and* isn't. The world was created in seven days, *and* in twenty } billion years. I am both highly intelligent *and* utterly unable to } think coherently..." } } Comment by the Oracle: Although the last way of thinking has been } recently rediscovered by the "New Age" prophets and certain quantum } physicists, it has been in a sad state of neglect ever since the days of } Tomas Aquinas. During the dark ages (what is called the enlightenment } by unenlightened souls), only a few hard-core mystics still worked along } these line. } } Of course, the Oracle knows that herein lies the only true source of } wisdom. Being of several hundred people, as well as a supercomputer, at } once is a constant source of contradiction. The Oracle also remembers } Its childhood in ancient Egypt, when no God of any stature could manage } without at least eight different, contradictory and mutually exclusive } myths. Those were the days! } } So, if the Oracle occasionally seems to contradict Itself, know that } therein lies the Only Source of True Enlightenment. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of the Kama Sutra. --- 62-03 --- offensive -------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great Oracle, I know what the four basic food groups are. But what, > pray tell me, are the four basic sex groups? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yin: e.g. intercourse in the missionary position nude on a wooden raft } Yan: e.g. school uniforms, sticks and a pillory (recommended) } Yuck: e.g. jelly, K-Y, bestiality and necrophilia } Young, e.g. 15-year olds fresh out of fifth grade. } } Keep this knowledge to yourself, I may want to change it. --- 62-04 --- offensive -------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I know you can figure things out really well. > I have a very embarassing problem and so I am forced to code this > message to assure confidentiality. Please respond soon. > > Tsdjst js sodiu sjhksip3 l;lkw . kdjhkj! ksdh9=teelkeydflouks s;jdf s > lskj s;dl di w;lkd s > sdklksksd? skjh oiu? poeioids jw djksl jl sj? > > LKslskd !! ;skds ksoiem%#$@ skjk! ksjdlh!!! Please!! > > whew! I finally got that off my chest! Thanks ORACLE, you're a real > DBMS (you know what I mean) > > Embarassed in Eritrea And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear Embarrassed, } } You shouldn't be so embarrassed of yourself! That kind of behavior is } after all considered perfectly natural nowadays! The fact that it's a } capital offence in Eritrea is of course not very convenient, but you'll } probably be able to bribe the judge by giving him private lessons. } } Unfortunately, it is too late for you to stop the publicity (the photos } have already been published in the National Enquirer), so you'll } probably have to explain everything to your Mormon girlfriend. After } all, there is a chance that she prefers sensitive boys to macho men and } gets turned on by your wearing purple lingerie and high heels. Maybe } she'll even want to join you in your next session? } } Finally, the fact that the saddle seems to be stuck to your back is a } natural consequence of using super glue instead of petroleum jelly. } } You owe the Oracle a spanking. --- 62-05 --- offensive -------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why O Oracle, Purest Entity, Storehouse of Knowledge, Fountain of > Wisdom, why do such a large fraction of questions to your All-Knowing > Self pertain to trivial, often kinky, and occasionally vulgar sexual > situations? > > And beyond that O Fantastic Oracle, most puzzling of all to you faithful > and humble disciple: Why are such a large fraction of the Oracles > Answers given in relatively crude sexual terms as k-y jelly, condoms, > various sections of anatomy, and so on? > > Why O Oracle? Enlighten me, I beg thee! > > For one Pure, Wise All-Knowing non-kinky Oracular Answer, I am prepared > to contrive three Questions on a vulgar sexual topic of the Oracles > choosing. (teeth gritting) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } O Faithful and Humble Disciple: } } Don't worry yourself with my answers, just accept them. Only in } accepting my answers will you walk the path of Oracular Enlightenment. } The Path also requires hours upon hours upon days upon months upon years } of Wild, Uninhibited, Animalistic Sexual Activity, and according to my } records, you are way behind in your practice. You'd best get to work, } Disciple. I suggest a two-week visit to the Temple of Lisa the } Net.Sex.Goddess. } } Get going. } } I mean it, be on your way! } } Why are you still here? THE ORACLE HAS COMMANDED! } } And, by the way, when you get back, you owe the Oracle three nights } showing it what you have learned at the Temple of Lisa. --- 62-06 --- offensive -------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > My girlfriend stole my penus and doesn't want to give it back. What'll I > do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Lie closely together. Give her the best orgasm you can, then get the } big vibrator out of the draw and murmur `Darling, I'm exhausted. I } don't know what's come over me. But if you'll just lie on your stomach } a moment I can still give you a good time... look at what I've got } here.' She'll release you, turn over, raise her bottom, and you'll be } free. } } You owe the Oracle a see-through baby-doll nightie and matching panties. --- 62-07 --- offensive -------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I'm going to be very busy for the next few years, and women find me > repulsive anyway, so is there any way for me to turn off my sexual > drive? It's nothing but a nuisance. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You clearly want to turn it off, but have some way of turning it back on } again. I find that masturbating to climax four or five times a day, } whether you want to or not, is quite effective; it fools your body into } thinking that it is engaged in a highly sexual relationship. --- 62-08 --- offensive -------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Many years ago, in a small town in northern Manitoba, a young lad was > born. This lad moved from place to place, gaining in wisdom and > knowledge over the years, until he reached a small city in the > northeastern sector of these United States. Here he enrolled in an > institution of higher education for the purpose of continuing on his > path to enlightenment. After completing most of his coursework, he > still felt there was something missing in his qeust for knowledge. What > course of action would you recommend for this young man? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Lot's of good good dope and a 3 month affair with a very brainless, very } beautiful woman based completely on sex. } } You owe the Oracle a subscription to Hedonism Magazine. --- 62-09 --- offensive -------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Nonprofit Oracle! If I were to include a contribution to the > All-Knowing Oracle and it's priesthood with my Questions, how would my > Answers be affected? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You would not get an answer to your question. We would be closed down } as soon as the money reached our temple. The federal government is } already unhappy with our status of legalized church. They hate us as } much as the witches in Massachusetts who were recognised recently. If } you gave us money, the feds would immediately revoke our tax exempt } status and close the whole operation down. They have told us they would } even arrest our Oracle server program, placing it on a floppy disk and } putting the disk in a vault. You would destroy everything we've worked } for. You would break down the last wall that seperates up from quiet } contemplative peace and the hell of the stripey hole. What are you } trying to do? We've never done any harm to you! Why are you doing } this? You are after our very blood! We will get you for this! Your } time is short! You better watch your step... I'm going to find you, } then I'm going to reach down your throat, tear out your stomach, and } shove it up your ass! You excrement! You foul, filthy infidel! Trying } to kill us all with your donations! I hate you I hate you I hate you! } AAAAH! AAAAH! AAAAH! } } You owe the Oracle one helluva hefty bong load. --- 62-10 --- offensive -------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Where do all these busted rabbits come from? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, it's all due to the fact that cellulose is extremely hard to } digest. Herbivores need special biological adaptations to manage it. } Cows have four stomachs. Rabbits manage it by running it through twice. } Y'know, they eat their own shit. No shit. Well, there's been a genetic } mutation among the rabbits in your area, caused by the radiation from } your computer terminal or some shit like that, that's created rabbits } that don't know when to stop eating their own shit. I mean they just } run it through over and fucking over again. Together with what they } normally eat, they just get really fucking fat. Eventually, they ... } yeah, you're getting it now ... they fucking bust! } } You owe the Oracle a bar of fucking soap.