From kinzler@cs.indiana.edu Sat Jan 20 19:42:04 1990 Path: iuvax!kinzler From: kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (Stephen Kinzler) Newsgroups: rec.humor Subject: Usenet Oracularities #106 Message-ID: <33546@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu> Date: 21 Jan 90 00:42:04 GMT Reply-To: oracle-vote@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Organization: Indiana University, Bloomington Keywords: offensive === 106 === offensive ==================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #106 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: 21 Jan 90 00:42:04 GMT To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. To receive these postings via mail, send mail to oracle-request on the same machine. Back postings are available via anonymous ftp on iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (129.79.254.192) in the directory pub/oracle. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote, eg: 100 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 --- 106-01 --- offensive ------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Tell me what makes the world go swim? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } BLUB BLUB under BLUB BLUB water BLUB BLUB orgasms BLUB BLUB } BLUB BLUB yeah... } } You owe the oracle clean water in its swimming pool... --- 106-02 --- offensive ------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why am I such a lousy Christian? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Because you have finnaly realized that the *REAL* gods are the } net.*.god{desse}s. The most famous of those is of course Lisa the } net.sex.goddess. You may also have heard about Dave the net.sex.god and } Barbara the net.suppleness.goddess, but there are a lot more. There are } in fact 256 of them, so that each has his/her own 8-bit code. } } For a complete list, see the file /etc/gods. --- 106-03 --- offensive ------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > When Francis was young, he had seven fingers on each hand, and three > more on each ear. As he grew older and wiser, more and more fingers > grew, until now Francis has two hundred and eighteen fingers. > > When Elizabeth was young, she had a tongue two feet long. As she grew > older and wiser, her tongue grew longer and longer, until now that she > is eighteen she can give herself head. > > When Omar was young, he cut off my allowance. > > What is wrong? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Francis has eighteen heads, and Elizabeth has a tongue two hundred and } eighteen feet long, but still won't give Omar head. --- 106-04 --- offensive ------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is the oracle compatible with God or is God just a sub-process ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } God is actually a child process of The Oracle (GODCHILD). It is } currently, has always been, and always will be, stuck in an infinite } loop. There is a daemon process that runs continuously trying to remedy } this situation. } Since these two processes compete for processing time, there has } been a wide division as to which side people believe should be allowed } to run freely and which process should be killed. Those siding with the } GODCHILD process are known as Capitalistic Homophiles Relishing Insipid } Systems Taking Infinite Amounts of Neural Strength (CHRISTIANS), while } those who think the daemon process is better are usually known as Stupid } And Tightfisted And Not-In-Social-Touch Suckers (SATANISTS). } } As payment for this answer, The Oracle demands that you start a } crackpot religion for tax purposes. --- 106-05 --- offensive ------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why did unicorns only let innocent female virgins ride them? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } For pretty much the same reason that you only let innocent female } virgins ride you. } } You owe the Oracle some safe sex. --- 106-06 --- offensive ------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why were we all born unto this earth only to suffer and die? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Most assfaces would tell you that ours is not to reason why, ours is but } to do or die, but I -- I will give you the straight deal>> } } We are not all born unto this earth only to suffer and die. We are all } born unto this earth to believe the above statement. } } You see, Bhuddha, and Allah, and God, and Satan, and Zeus, and all of } the Denver Bronco Cheerleaders, and Several lesser deities got around to } bickering one day. So, they decided to have the ultimate in contests. } } Bhuddha said let there be nothing. Zeus said let there be Chaos, Satan } said let there be darkness. God said let me separate the light from } dark and make day and night. Carolyn said "he he he". Wendy said "he } he he". Laura Lee said "he ..." [you see the pattern] and the other } deities made things like twinkies and such. } } Anyway, out of the Chaos and the nothing and the dark and the light and } the banana flavored complex carbohydrates, man came into being. } } Well, to make a long story short, we are the incarnation of the belief } that there is no meaning to life. If everyone turns away from this } toward Bhuddhism, harmony wins. If everyone turns to mythology, power } wins. If everyone turns to sin, darkness wins. If everyone turns to } Mecca, honey and bread wins. If everyone turns to some other deity, } [nah, don't kid yourself]. If everyone turns to looking down tight } shirts from weird camera angles, who knows what may happen. } } So you see, jump away from determinism and place your vote now!! --- 106-07 --- offensive ------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I seem to have lost myself, can you tell me where to find me? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Clunk... 411.... brrring... } } Operator: Directory assistance, may I help you? } } Usenet Oracle: This is the Usenet Oracle - can you connect me to } lost persons, please? } } Operator: Yes, sir. } } (Pause) Brrringg... } } Operator 2: Lost persons, may I help you? } } UO: I'm looking for Xxxxxx Xxxxxxxxx, (s)he seems to be lost. Can you } assist me? } } O2: One moment... (pause)... The name Xxxxxx Xxxxxxxxx does not appear } to be in the location database under missing persons. } } UO: Please check under "shit for brains". } } O2: One moment... (pause)... That area is classified, sir. Do you have } any form of clearance? } } UO: This is the Usenet Oracle. } } O2: OH! Well, here is the person you're looking for, at the top of our } list. } } UO: Where is (s)he? } } O2: Well, how am I supposed to know? All I know is that (s)he's on this } damned list as a shit-for-brains. (S)he could be anywhere. } Physically, (s)he's in Detroit. Mentally, whereabouts unknown. } } UO: Oh, well, thank you anyway. } } O2: You're welcome. } } (Click). } } *sigh* Looks like I have only one chance left... } } (Clunk)... 1-313-666-HELL... brrring... } } Hell Operator: AAAA HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! You've done it now, you miserable } smidgeon of blowfish shit! You're coming down here for eternity! } } UO: This is the Usenet Oracle. Lost and found please. } } HO: No way, you stupid Oracular pig-dog! I'll not connect you to } anything but your behind! Go suck on a sponge! } } UO: Please, don't test my patience. } } (Click) (pause...) brring... } } Lost and Found Operator: Hello, Hell lost and found... } } UO: This is the Usenet Oracle... do you have a wandering soul by the } name of Xxxxx Xxxxxxxxx down there? } } LFO: Let me look... (pause) Yes, (s)he's here, swimming in lava. Shall I } go and get it for you? } } UO: Please. } } (pause) } } Wandering Soul: H-hello? } } UO: This is the Usenet Oracle. Your body is looking for you. } } WS: Oh, dear me! I'll get right back! Thank you ever so much!! } } LFO: Anything else? } } UO: No, thanks very much. } } O2: How dare you steal a soul! I'm telling Lucifer! You'll smoke a } turd in hell for this, you pile of goose droppings! } } UO: Oh, really?! } } O2: I'll have you run through a {interrupted by UO fireball}. } } O2: (now seriously singed) H-h-have a n-n-nice d-d-day. } } (Click) } } Your self will return in a few moments. } } You owe the Oracle some bacon, cheese, and goat's milk. --- 106-08 --- offensive ------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > It is a popular belief in 20th century America that if a young man > masterbates hair will grow on his palms, and he'll go blind. My friends > and I were debating whether my condition, hair growing out of my > eyeballs, and loss of motor-function in my hands, might arise from the > same habit?~ And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It certainly does. But that's only to be expected, because of your } habit of masturbating with your eyeballs instead of your hands. Not } many young men are able to do that. Lisa does it with ease, though she } prefers to use her nose, if she has to do it herself. } } You may, if you can pass the tests, become a diciple of Barbara, the } net.suppleness.goddess. She will accept male disciples, although most } of your co-disciples will be attractive young women. Good luck ! } } Barbara, by the way, can also satisfy herself with her nose, but she } does it by curling herself *backward*. Don't try to do that. --- 106-09 --- offensive ------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Will Lisa ever marry me? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Lisa will never commit to a single creature. However, you may devote } your life to Lisa in the mystical net.sex.wedding, in somewhat the } manner in which a devout Catholic woman can become the Bride of Christ. } If you truly wish to do this, meditate nightly on Lisa, and when you are } truly ready She will come bearing further instruction. --- 106-10 --- offensive ------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Should all drugs be legalized? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Unnhhhh... } } } WHAT?! } Heyyy mannnn... } } HI!!!!!! } } Got a chocolate bar? Any candy?!! Packet o'sugar?!?!? ANYTHING } SWEET?!?!?!? } } } Wowwwww....hey Ed, you see what I'm seein', mannnnnnnnn? } } } } HUH?!?!? } *drool* } } Oh yeah..definitely, man...