From kinzler@cs.indiana.edu Tue Feb 13 18:26:57 1990 Path: iuvax!kinzler From: kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (Stephen Kinzler) Newsgroups: rec.humor Subject: Usenet Oracularities #116 Message-ID: <35740@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu> Date: 13 Feb 90 23:26:57 GMT Reply-To: oracle-vote@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Organization: Indiana University, Bloomington === 116 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #116 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: 13 Feb 90 23:26:57 GMT To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. To receive these postings via mail, send mail to oracle-request on the same machine. Back postings are available via anonymous ftp on iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (129.79.254.192) in the directory pub/oracle. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote, eg: 100 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 --- 116-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I am willing to answer questions for you, oh wise Oracle, but I wonder > why you ask me the same question twice. Could it possibly be that you > have forgotten my previous answer? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Now you have taught me the answer to this question, oh Oracle. I sent } you this question from my account on a different machine. How wise and } wonderful you are by sending me my own question to answer. } } You owe the Oracle more respect. --- 116-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > My wife and I came home from a relaxing vacation and found the house in > a shambles. The young woman who we hired to house-sit for us met us at > the door and simply said, "We broke the waterbed, and...we bronzed the > dog." Then she left. > > Just what HAPPENED while we were gone? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Only the best damn party this Oracle has EVER been to, and that takes } into account the last three millennium ! I mean things got frisky, } mighty fast. Um, how to begin this tawdry tale. Well, your house } sitter is a personal friend of Lisa's, and Crystal Therapy's too. At } first we were just going over to play twister when Crystal breaks out } her stash of York Peppermint Patties. Do you remember the commercial } about the guy who takes a bite out of one of those puppies and, next } thing you know, he's skiing in his living room? No joke, they really } pack a punch. I can't remember stuff this good since the days of BWP, } (Berkeley Window Pane for the youngsters). I usually save half of one } for the next Dead concert. } } Anyway, Lisa said we really ought to get more folks to this little } party, and if we did, she would play "The Lost Shepherd Girl and the } Naughty Monk" with anyone who could get a hard copy of the current rules } and regulations. Well, the place went wild. A couple of kids from Cal } Tech made a make shift Time Space Continuum Connector out of your water } bed. Seems the mattress is really good for cushioning a landing from } more than 20 light years or 300 regular years away. The kids were kind } of loopy though, they were washing down the York Patties with Aqua Velva } and generally not paying attention to the transfer of a group of Elder } Gods. That's when the bed broke. } } Of course, your dog, being the faithful animal he is, er was, tried to } stop it all. I'm not sure who from the party actually "did him" but I'm } told by several on lookers that it was a most unpleasant site. I helped } bronze fido. You'll notice your collection of bowling trophies are } missing, sorry, it was the only alloy we could get on short notice. We } made him into a statue for two reasons. One, he can't tell anybody, } (However, most of the evenings more lascivious practices are recorded on } your VCR. I strongly recommend you not let the children anywhere near } it). Two, Frisky really doesn't look too bad that way. I got most of } the internal organs back where they should be, sort of. And really, the } only thing that would tip you off that something isn't quite right with } him, other than the complete lack of movement, is that utterly surprised } expression on his puss. I don't blame him though. } } Well, that's it. There's a message from your insurance agent. } Apparently after we got the tear in the fabric of time fixed, things are } still at a slight tilt in other dimensions. Those Cal Tech boys are } really goofy. You are basically no longer in "Good Hands". Your agent } was a bit more brusque, something about the "Good Hands being used to } grab your balls and squeeze till your eyes pop" or some such. Ignore } him, he's still pissed about the swirly he got from a group of really } wasted cherubs. } } You owe the Oracle another party, only this time without the Swat Team. --- 116-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Usenet Oracle will not accept questions is Sign Language. Please } translate your question into English and resubmit. --- 116-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I just went through my "monthly cleaning" cycle which means that I get > rid of files that I don't need, archive ones that I may need but not > right away, and reorganize the others into neat catalogs. I found a big > pile of files that I don't recognize. Would you identify them for me? > > F:\USER\xxxxxxxx\TMP\DIARY\LISA > jan1989.txt > feb1989.txt > mar1989.txt > apr1989.txt > may1989.txt > jun1989.txt > jul1989.txt > aug1989.txt > sep1989.txt > oct1989.txt > nov1989.txt > dec1989.txt > jan1990.txt (file marked as open) > > What should I do with these files? They are marked with various > attributes including an owner of ``net.sex.goddess.'' > > Signed, an ordinary guy. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I'm afraid Lisa is toying with you. About once a month she finds an } ordinary guy like you and drops a tasty little gum-drop of an event into } his otherwise dreary life. It's kind of like pro-bono work. } } You have tried to read these files and found them to be write-protected } against everyone. You tried to chmod them as superuser, but that didn't } work either. What you really wanted to ask me is how to read the files, } but you wouldn't because you didn't want to admit that you couldn't. } Very silly of you. The Oracle knows all. } } And here is Lisa's terrible, dark side. You see, She really does keep a } diary, and these files are that diary. Yes, you have Lisa's amazing and } incredible diary in your hands, yet utterly and forever unreadable. } } If you let it, this will destroy you. The only way to preserve your } sanity is to erase the files. Yes, erase them. Do it now. } } With the danger behind you, meditate on what has happened. You may yet } learn to overcome ordinary-ness. } } The Oracle will put this one on your tab. --- 116-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > ello! o reat Oacle! Aswer e his: > hat o ou hink aout oitting he irst onsonent i eah ord? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } hat o I hink aout oitting he irst yllable? ell, et e ell ou. A irst I } ound i o e a ain i he as, owever, I oon ound i o e uite a onvenient ay o } onfusing eople ike ou ho isist o aking e al hese umb ad anoying } uestions. o ou ave aything ese o ak e? } } ou oe e he irst onsonant rom eery ord ou pell rom ow o!!! --- 116-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is the meaning of life? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Let me see. To answer this one, I think I'll consult a common person } at random, and see what his or her life's ambitions are. } Randomizing...... } 1234.3234 54 } O.K. and now to tap into this person's present location... } Accessing Pick Up Truck liscense # HOL ASS at I95 in backwoods } Pennsylvania. } } "...Yeah, Hal that's a big ten four! I just gotta make it home to see } the Bud Bowl II on the television, so..." } } Well, there it is! It seems that the meaning of life is to watch Bud } Bowl II. } } You owe the Oracle a 49'ers hat and two Bud light bottle caps. --- 116-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Can you give me a scientific description of a sneeze? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } SNEEZE (sneez) n. 1. The sudden explosive expulsion of repulsive } material, due to minor irritants. (See also, "Media Response to Zsa Zsa } Gabor's Arrest.") 2. The plural of "snee" (the future tense of "snow"). } } ...or goes the Oracle's Interdimensional Unabridged Dictionary. } Nonetheless, I feel any attempt to quantify the scientific gestalt of a } sneeze to be aesthetically offensive. The sneeze is an art form. You } might as well run a spectroscope over a Mozart symphony, or attach a } seismograph to "King Lear." What would we learn? (And could we make a } buck with it?) } } You owe the Oracle some Sinutab. --- 116-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Where do the extra questions come from? I mean, when I send "ask me" > messages I get quick responses, and when I send in "tell me" messages > I get questions back right away too -- so where do the extra messages > come from? I haven't gotten a message demanding a question in > response to an "ask me" yet. (Or do you have a list of stupid > questions that you send out to suckers who send out "ask me"s? That > would explain a lot....) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ever seen one of these? } } How come...? } | } Why...? | This spoon...? } _\-- | ---/_ } -=_ \ | /__=- } | ---___--- | } | bottomless | } | bucket | } | of | } | questions | } -__ ___- } ---___--- } } You owe the Oracle some courtesy, some sympathy... --- 116-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O all-knowing Oracle, > > What is the meaning of the Net? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } At the Beginning of Time (January 1, 1970), there was The Administrator. } The Administrator looked out upon The Great Sea, which was his Dominion. } Within The Great Sea there were The Users. The Users swam around The } Great Sea and were happy. Some swam in groups and they were called The } Mainframes. Others swam alone and they were called The WorkStations. } Yes, The Users were Happy. The Administrator was not. For The Users } could not Communicate. And Work was not Done. } } So The Administrator took some Coaxial Cables, He took some Optical } Fibers, and He took some Telephone Wires, and He began to work. For one } year He labored, until at last His project was finished. For The } Administrator had fashioned a Net from the Coaxial Cables, from the } Optical Fibers, and from the Telephone Wires. And He threw the Net upon } The Users, and The Users were stifled. The Users now had to Work, and } They were not Happy. } } Then one day The Users found that They could use the Net to talk to each } other. The Users communicated with each other, and They were Happy. } And The Administrator was not. } --Genesys, II.14 } } You owe the Oracle a copy of the INTERNET News guidelines, 1990 edition. } The Oracle has reminisced. --- 116-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Sir, > > It has come to my attention that you are conducting yourself in a > manner unbecoming of an oracle, I hereby request your resignation and a > bottle of Sloe Gin. I request your resignation for two reasons: > > 1) I am jealous of your infinite wisdom. > and: > 2) See number 1. > > The reason for the Sloe Gin is that I like the color, and it makes a > "GOOD" drink from sitting here and requesting your resignation. Your > cooperation is appreciated... > > Thanks for your time! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Gladly!!!!!!!! I would be happy to resign!!!!!! I never thought that } any one would be stupid enough to actually request my resignation, but } now that it has happened, I am actually free. I have been answering } peoples questions for hundreds of years, trying to satisfy them with my } infinite wisdom, which of course, is never appreciated. } } The legend has always been that the only way I could ever get out of } doing my job, is for someone to ask for my resignation. The legend also } states that the person who asked for my resignation will have to relieve } me of my duties. So whoever you are, THANK YOU, and I hope you have fun } answering 1000 stupid questions each day. } } I en cour encourrrrr encourrage y y y you toooooooo dd dd ddo tt thte } besty jobs th th thhh that ya cannn. } } (sorry, due to the fact that the Oracle has already started his long } awaited celebration, he is no longer able to give his resignation } speech. Too bad, I think you would have liked it!) } } You owe the Oracle 777 years of service before you can resign.