From kinzler Wed Apr 11 00:07:10 1990 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Wed, 11 Apr 90 00:04:58 -0500 From: Stephen Kinzler To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #144 Reply-To: oracle-vote === 144 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #144 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Wed, 11 Apr 90 00:04:58 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. To receive these postings via mail, send mail to oracle-request on the same machine. Back postings are available via anonymous ftp on iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (129.79.254.192) in the directory pub/oracle. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote, eg: 100 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 --- 144-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Comrade Oracle: > > Everything go according to plan, yes? The Americans suspect nothing > of us? Moscow really outdid itself now. Imagine! Everybody looks up > to you, they come to you for advice. You are bigger than Dear Abby, > bigger than Ann Landers, and nobody suspects you are a communist mole > from Russia. Report back to us when the next phase of the plan begins, > okay? Okay! Good, good good. > - Andrei Petrovitch And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes, everything is going according to plan, comrade... Nobody suspects. } I write this answer, but it will not get onto rec.humor, so nobody will } read it. However, I have a big fear of what will happen after we take } over... } } What if Amerika just decides to secede, like everyone else? I think of } quitting, times like this. } } You owe me a pay raise. This hard work! --- 144-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh mightiest of Oracles, my puny mortal soul is perplexed. Why is it > that you, the most intelligent entitiy in the know universes (and not > far from the top in many universes unknown), do not have a Usenet news- > group all to yourself? It seems a sin above all sins that you must > share net-space with the dregs of the human race in rec.humor. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } O self-described puniest of souls, rec.humor is the natural } newsgroup for my musings! (Don't you love the way computer things } have periods in them instead of spaces? That and underlines... I } love putting underlines in filenames. More on that later.) } Most of the people who write these answers are the same ones posting } all the frivolity on rec.humor! (As I said before, don't you love the } way computer things have periods in them instead of spaces? That and } underlines... I love putting underlines in filenames. More on that } later.) But we wouldn't dare do anything this respectable in public! } That's why we need the Oracle! But you know, there's just no possible } way in the world I'm going to be able to work into this answer the } concept of ftp sites. (Speaking of ftp sites, isn't it neat how the } addresses for ftp sites are four 8-bit numbers seperated by, of all } things, periods? Don't you love the way computer things have periods } in them instead of spaces? That and underlines... I love putting } underlines in filenames. More on that later.) But I still managed } to anyways, for I am the Usenet Oracle. (Isn't it sad that I don't } have any periods or underlines? Or even a HYPHEN? Oh, speaking of } more on the topic, I forgot to include hyphens. I like filenames } like -347.P_p ... and then I wonder why. } } You owe the Oracle Saturday Night Live seven days a week. --- 144-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle who knows all but usually answers randomly because no one is > capable of making You do otherwise, what is the _real_ story behind > Shirley Maclean's past lives? Was she really all those Pharoes and > famous painters, or did she spend most of her previous incarnations > digging up tubers and getting hanged for stealing crusts of bread like > the rest of us? Do you think she's evolving or getting worse? I ask > you this, bowing and scraping and contorting myself in displays of > humility, because only You and Shirley know and I don't trust her > account because she's way too flighty. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Gleepers! If someone else were answering this question, they would } think that it were a multiple question, rather than one long, } multi-sentence one! It's a good thing you got me! } } Shirley's first relevant life was in ancient Mohenjo-Daro, rather a long } time ago. She was Vorticle Hank, a bartender in The Stuffed Owl, a beer } and pizza joint across from the main temples of the city. Over the six } hundred and eighteen years of her life (she decided to use her } accumulated karma for longevity, plus she won a karmic lottery), many } generations of priests and whatnot came to drink her beer and rave } drunken wierdo Indian theology at her. So, she has a long background in } the stuff, but it's kind of disorganized if you get my drift. } } So, basically, she wasn't any of the Pharoahs and other massivley famous } people. She was the mistress of Pope Pius III, the great-aunt of } Artaxerxes, and had three or four incarnations as lousy French painters } who copied the masters of the time. She actually did pretty well for } herself -- most people spent their last human incarnations as peasants, } as you implied. } } She has evolved into a new life-form, over ten trillion times as } gullible as an ordinary human. } } You owe the Oracle a karmic loan. My last check bounced. --- 144-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I'm stuck here on a little planet made entirely of dust. How can I have > fun? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Sheesh. Haven't any of you recent seekers of knowledge ever heard of } grovelling? } } On a planet full of dust? Let's see... } } o Build a dust castle. } } o Make a dust angel. Lie on your back and wave your arms and kick your } legs. } } o Watch those big asteroids. Don't any of them look like they're } heading your way? Lots of fun. } } o Did you make a dust angel? Now you can inhale angel dust! } } o Get practice for your exciting future career as a maintenence } engineer. } } o Masturbate. } } o Or try out your dust angel. } } o Count how numerous are the motes of dust. Compare to the number of } stars. } } o Get everybody on the planet to jump up at the same time. You're the } only one? Well, that saves some trouble, especially concerns about } simultaneity under special relativity. Or, if you're not alone, you } shouldn't have to masturbate. } } o Maybe the dust is fun to eat. } } o Maybe you can think of fun recipes you can make using the dust, e.g } DUST FLAMBE AU DUST } Ingredients: some dust } Instructions: Cook some dust. Mix some other dust with water, and } cook until the water boils off. Mix some more dust with water. } Cook 'til steaming. Mix the three together. Serves some people. } } o Write a novel in the dust. Be careful where you step when you make } spelling corrections. } } o Write questions to the Oracle in the dust, hoping that passing space } ships will see the message and pass it along. } } [ Oh. Nevermind about the last one, you've already done it. ] } } o Write songs about your experiences on the planet of dust, with names } like "Forbidden Dust," "I Want Some New Dust," "Always a Dust } Moment," and "Dust in the Wind." } } [ Oh. Forget that last title. ] } } o Learn to ferment dust. If succesful, this can lead to many new and } fun things that you can do, but I'll leave you to discover those for } yourself. } } o The most fun thing you can do, though, is answer all the stupid } questions the Oracle gets for it. I'll arrange to have that space- } ship drop you off a batch of 'em, and you just write your answers } big enough to be seen, we'll do the rest. Thanks. } } You owe the Oracle an anatomically correct dustperson, as well as the } answers to the questions. --- 144-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Riddle me this: Why is the Oracle more fun than Relay? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The passion! The romance! The grand, sweeping cosmic vision! The } freaky answers! The sex! The drugs! The rock-n-roll! } } You owe the Oracle an account with access to Relay. --- 144-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I AM LIFF. > > I wish to rule the world. How may I best easily accomplish this? > > LIFF IS ME. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } BLACK IS WHITE. } } There are many ways to rule the world, but few are easy. } } GREY IS NOT. } } If you would seek to rule over the many, you must first control the few. } } NORTH IS SOUTH. } } To govern the few, you must first practice self-control. } } CICERO IS TULLY. } } To gain self-control, you must first find one of the few great mystics. } } THE KING IS DEAD. } } The mystics will tell you that there are many paths to enlightenment. } } LONG LIVE THE KING. } } Many people think that they are qualified to be a great mystic. } } VICE IS NICE. } } Qualifications are very important in most political circles. } } INCEST IS BEST. } } In seeking self-discipline, one must forget the earthly world. } } PHYSICS IS PHUN. } } Ambition can only be found in the external, earthly world. } } HYPERBOLE IS EXAGGERATION. } } Political ambition conflicts with the search for inner peace. } } MATHEMATICS IS SIMPLICITY ITSELF. } } Self-discipline is necessary to rule the world. } } I AM SPACEMAN SPIFF. } } One who seeks to rule the world will never be capable of ruling the } world. } } SPACEMAN SPIFF BE ME. } } If one seeks to rule the world, one must remain unqualified for the job. } } LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL. } } Many people are not qualified for their line of work. } } WHAT'S A WAFFLE? } } Not many people want anyone besides themselves to rule the world. } } IT IS AWFUL. } } Many people would like to rule the world. } } WHITHER TROFF? } } Many of the people who'd like to rule the world read rec.humor. } } IT'S RUN OFF. } } If I try to tell you how to rule the world, I'd be telling everyone } else. } } I AM INSPECTOR LOOKOUT. } } If everyone found out, it wouldn't work for everyone, only at most one. } } WHAT? WHERE? } } Any method given here will fail to answer your question. } } OH, I SEE. } } I have disguised your answer amongst the meaningless drivel. Good luck. } } THE LORD KNOWS I AM NOT A CRUEL MAN. } } You owe the Oracle an analysis of the use of the syllogism in "The } Prince." } } THE LORD IS WHAT I CALL WHAT I BELIEVE TO BE MY CAT. --- 144-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > what's a berglub? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Quoted from the Oracular English Dictionary: } } berglub (berg' lub) n. [variation & contraction of "landlubber"] in } Eskimo parlance, one who usually remains in the icebergs and is } therefore awkward and inexperienced when on the tundra; hence, one who } has never killed a sea-otter. } } berglub (ber glub') interj. sound produced by a drowning cartoon } character. --- 144-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most wise, please tell me... > > Who are the MIB? Are they really from outer space? Why do they have > such an unusual effect on people? Why is there an MIB outside my > window? Why is he smiling? Why aren't you answering me? Why are > YOU smiling? Wait... don't tell me.... > > Damn, never mind. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } hahahahahahahah! I'm one of the *other* MIB -- the Men In Blue! Yes, } I, the Oracle, am wearing blue jeans, a blue flannel shirt, blue suede } shoes, blue sweatsocks, and a truly funky blue beret! } } But let's be realistic here. The MIB are from the FBI and the CIA. } They all have PHDs from MIT. They belong to the GOP. (The black suits } come from S&K; the regulation underwear is BVDs.) They are very } concerned that no information about UFOs becomes publicly known, like } broadcast on CBS. They consult with high-information government } agencies, such as the NSA and the IRS, to find people who are likely to } be finding things out about UFOs. They get huge amounts of information, } which they run through their IBMs and produce a list of names. Then } they drive down in BMWs, or fly on TWA, for a session of creative "fact } reorganization", occasionally involving electric shocks applied to } genitals, but more often threatening to nationalize your IRA. When } they're sure you're A-OK, they leave. } } It's all for the good of the USA. Don't confuse it with S&M. } } You owe the oracle some more TLA's (three-letter acronyms). --- 144-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great and flying Oracle please answer my resilient question: > How much stuff do you have to fill a condom with before it > turns really bouncy, but won't break? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle reminds you of the following well-known } children's rhyme: } } Fill it with an ounce, } It'll never bounce. } } Fill it with a pound, } It's sure to rebound. } } Fill it with a ton, } Like the Oracle you're hung. } } You owe the Oracle a jump rope. --- 144-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why is my desk so fucking dirty? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It's got staplers and pencils, a pair of old mittens, } Lint balls and sand dunes and monstrous dust kittens, } Some obsolete punch-cards and ten mooses molting, } These are the reasons your desk is revolting. } } It's got dishes and tissues, the wrecks of old autos, } Paths that descend to mysterious grottoes, } Thick sticky stains made of old Mountain Dew, } That is why your desk is bothering you. } } It's got patches of mold and unformatted floppies, } Two broken modems and one field of poppies, } Five sides of bacon, one box of Bisquick, } These are the reasons your desk makes you sick. } } When you clean it, should you clean it, if you clean your desk, } And throw away these things then lo and behold! } You...hmmm... } } You owe the Oracle a rhyming dictionary.