From kinzler Wed Jul 18 14:50:39 1990 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Wed, 18 Jul 90 14:37:01 -0500 From: Steve Kinzler To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #182 Reply-To: oracle-vote === 182 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #182 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Wed, 18 Jul 90 14:37:01 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. To receive these postings via mail, send mail to oracle-request on the same machine. Back postings are available via anonymous ftp on iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (129.79.254.192) in the directory pub/oracle. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote, eg: 100 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 177 10 votes 17110 22510 05410 06121 12340 33301 11143 31510 12232 21016 177 2.9 mean 2.2 2.5 2.6 2.8 3.0 2.3 3.7 2.4 3.3 3.8 --- 182-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Who were your parents? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The god Hermes (always a big one for information) got the hots for this } librarian-whore (yeah, those were the days, when librarians were really } sexy) who worked at the great library of Alexandria in Egypt. He } assumed human form, seduced her, knocked her up, and she bore me. So } y'see that I'm a demigod right from the start. Anyway I was a bookish } (and scrollish) kid, and one day Hermes drops by the library and carries } Mom and me off to this place in Delphi run by Uncle Apollo, where the } Delphic Oracle. a really kinky guy who lived underground, worked by } getting sexy young girls and taking possession of their bodies in order } to give Oracular advice. Well, Hermes was a real trickster, but he } wouldn't have any sun of his wearing the bodies of sexy young girls } (screwing 'em was okay -- I had my way with quite a few of 'em both } before and after the old Oracle possessed 'em, you bet -- the old guy } had great taste in girl's bodies). Anyway, after some education which } I've mentioned, Dad sent me into the future to be the Oracle for Usenet. } I still go back in time and visit Mom -- wonderful lady, and Hermes got } Zeus to make her immortal. --- 182-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > TELL ME: What's a nice girl like me doing in a place like this? > > -Susie And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } A nice girl. Hah! You're not even female. There _are_ no women on } Usenet. You're a nerd in electronic drag. } } Just kidding. Actually you are here out of pity for all us poor } unattached men. Oh, beautiful lady, will you be mine? I'm not much to } look at, and kind of shy, but I'm intelligent and witty...it's just that } being in the presence of a real live woman makes me nervous and I don't } know what to say. I see your beautiful body and the sweet smile on your } face, and I just can't think or act sensibly. I'm so lonely. Nobody } has ever loved me. I'm still a virgin. I'll never find a beautiful } woman unless some goddess like you takes pity on me and gives me her } devotion and love. Just think -- I could make you so happy. I'd never } cheat on you, my darling; I'd always be completely devoted to you. Can } you love me? Is there any spark of love behind that beautiful face, in } those sweet womanly eyes? --- 182-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > In C, how do I declare a function that returns a pointer to an array of > pointers to functions that return integers? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Grasp the function firmly by the scruff of its neck, and declaim unto it } in bold and dramatic tones: "Behold, good function! See that thou dost } return a pointer to an array of pointers to functions that return } integers, and see that thou dooest so in a right timely fashion! For } should thou returnest anything save only what I have demanded, I shall } flay thee and use thy furry skin for a kitchen-mitt! And should thou } fail to return in good time, then verily I shall set the flame-breathing } Hounds of Usenet upon thee, and they shall tear thee limb from quivering } limb!" } } See, wasn't that more satisfying than just typing } } int (*((*((f)()))[]))(); } } ? --- 182-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I like to eat my own dandruff. It's great! I also like to pick my nose > and eat the snot, and eat the lint in my belly-button and the stuff that > gets caught in my fingernails and toenails. Also the skin flakes in my > eyebrows, the sebum and pus from blackheads and pimples -- mm, good! Is > this normal? If I continue to do it in public, will it hurt my social > life? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Actually, what you have just described is a fairly good piece of } performance artwork, illustrating the great concern over dieting in } modern America, the collective angst of the world over the dissolution } of the Warsaw Pact and the reunification of Germany, and the almost } mindboggling stupidity of network television. This is some really good } social commentary you have going here. } } However, you will probably not be able to get this through to most of } your audience, as they will be too busy throwing up to see the subtle } points you are making. } } Ignorant clods. } } You owe the Oracle an NEA grant. --- 182-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Tell me, if you please, what kind of eggplant is the best one for me? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The glories of the Aubergine } Are vast; despite the shade obscene } That comes to view when it is cut, } Its taste is je ne sais pas what. } The revelries midst Parmesan } Set souls alight; the poor can-can } Cannot compare with mellowed wine } And Aubergines, the fruit divine. } } It isn't usual for the Oracle to offer the services of a dating agency. } This certainly seems to be a new perversion. The Oracle recommends that } you should think long and hard about the future of this liaison. Sure, } an egg-lant can be fun for a while, but think: what will it be like in } a couple of year's time when the taut, glistening black skins have } wrinkled, and the leaves have wilted? Take my advice; you don't need an } egg-plant, you need a banana. Don't be scared of catching Panana } disease, even though it is commonly and frighteningly known as `banana } wilt'. Although a devastating complaint, it only affects bananas. } } You owe the Oracle a date in a hot bed. --- 182-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle, > > Sometimes you give me answers that are serious and to the point. > Sometimes you give me answers that are sensitive and caring. > Sometimes you give me answers that are very funny and they make my > mood so much better. And then I get answers that are pathetic. > > Why is this? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah, dear Questioner. It depends on who the Oracle is incarnate as. You } know how the Oracle works: it takes possession of the body of any } person who gets a question. But It is limited by the intelligence and } wit of the person It possesses. It really does know all, but how much } of that all actually gets typed as a reply depends on the Oracle's } incarnation of the moment. Truly stupid, ignorant, dull-witted } incarnations are little better off with the Oracle inside their heads } than without. Intelligent, warm-hearted, witty folk truly _become_ the } Oracle: their minds can support the Oracular Powers and express the } Oracular Knowledge clearly and sweetly. } } Nerd's analogy: one can write a program in C that runs on both a Cray 2 } under Unicos and on an IBM PCjr. under an early MS-DOS. On which will } it run faster? Similarly, the Oracle can "run" on a dimwit or a } genius... --- 182-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > why is it that my email acct is always screwed up if I use a modem? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Perhaps you haven't heard this adage my dear, dear } Delphic grandmother told me when I was but a lad: } } Happens to them } Without fail, } Use a modem, } Screw the mail } } In Sir Thomas Acquinas' Summa Theologica (Fatty Arbuckle translation) } is found } } 1) Man is a sinful, imperfect creature. } } 2) Because man is imperfect, he errs. } } 3) Both email and and modems are artifaces of } man, and are therefore subject to man's } imperfections. } } 4) Two wrongs do not make a right. } } 5) Since both modems and email are imperfect, and thus wrong, } they comprise two wrongs, which do not make a right. } } Therefore, modems and email always produce wrongness. } } } Immanual Kant in his "Prologomena to any Future Electronic Interfaces" } said } } "Email does not exist unless there is someone to read it. One can only } understand that one is reading email if one understands what email is. } "Email-ness" is understood through human experience. Human experience } tells us that your email is screwed up when you use your modem. } Therefore, by definition, Email (if it exists) is read by a human and } thus is screwed up when you use your modem." } } You owe the Oracle a copy of Plato's "Republic" (Steve Jobs } translation). --- 182-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I have an awful, terrible confession to make. Oh Oracle, I've been > living a lie. All this time, whenever I ask you questions, through some > terrible bug in your mailer's software, *other* people's questions have > been coming to ME. I know I should have just forwarded the questions to > you, Oracle, but I just couldn't contain my curiosity. I peeked at the > letters, and then, pretending to be you, I answered them. I played on > the gullibility of those poor people--they needed answers from someone > immortal and all-knowing, and I fooled them into thinking that I was > that person, when in fact I was mostly just *making the answers up*! > Sometimes I would even play jokes, deliberately giving incorrect > answers, just for humorous effect. > > I'm so ashamed of myself, I could just die. How can I ever make up for > the terrible crime I have committed? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hey, keep it up. You haven't been doing too badly. Apart from the } three suicides, the unhappy sex-changed guy -- uh, girl, the home } castration, the 3 killings of relatively innocent pets, and one or two } other things that the Oracle won't bother to mention, your track record } is excellent. The Oracle isn't goning to bother to waste Its time on } answering all of this guff, so you just keep on wasting yours playing } Oracle and don't give it another thought. Don't be ashamed! Just keep } on answering so that the Oracle will have lots of time off. --- 182-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > what is the function of snot? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Snot? Ewww. Were you one of those children who once had a dead fly in } your glass of milk and your mother told you "don't be a sissy; a fly or } two a year is good for you." so from then on every year you'd catch a } fly and eat it? } } Anyway, phlegm serves a number of useful purposes. It's a great for } third grade spelling bees. Breaks the ice at parties. But it's most } important *biological* function is to get rid of the waste and trash } accumulating in everyone's brain. On computer systems this is called } garbage collection. } } Occasionally you'll wake up feeling fine, blow your nose, and say "hey, } look - a snot!" Of course, thinking about something dirty like that } produces some waste in the form of more snots. So you blow your nose } again and think "where are all these neat-shaped snots coming from?" } which leads to more trash in your brain and suddenly your nose is } running big time and if you are a little perverted you think "maybe I'll } collect buckets of it and sell it as Ghostbusters Ectoplasm (TM)." at } which point you probably pass out from fever. } } A couple of points you can derive from this snot-brain linkage: } * If you go on a date, and your date has a stuffy nose, it is probably } because he/she is thinking dirty thoughts about your impressive body. } * Watch Perry Mason on TV inspect the noses of the suspects he } interrogates. } * A policeman who stops you for speeding can ask you to take a } breathalyzer test and a snot sample. } * If you gross yourself out sufficiently, you need not *fake* sickness. } * Anyone plotting a death in the silent dark of night is likely to } give themselves away by a honk of the nose. Thus, professional } assassins have learned other ways to clear their sinus passages than } by nose blowing. Watch out for nose-picking - a sign of a potential } professional assassin. } } You don't owe the Oracle anything, just stop wiping boogers on the sofa. --- 182-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh oracle, you who so aptly compared lawyers to Swiss Cheese, > who personally defeated Dan Quayle at Jousting, > and who was single-handedly responsible for the defeat of the Huns > in Ohio, > Tell me, Please, > What is a good use for earwax, other than as a fondue for chee-toes? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ssh! Don't say that too loudly. I ran across this story while doing } some hacking in military computers: } } Five year old Joey Weibermann, while playing in the pasture of his } parent's Indiana farm, makes an amazing discovery! By combining pasta } and antipasto, there is an immense explosion as matter hits antimatter. } } {{{||}}} } |||| } |||| } ============== } } Cullinary demolitions experts were brought in, determined the cause of } the disaster, but it leaked to the USSR, which immediately launched tons } of pasta into space, on a trajectory with Boston, Massachusetts. } Following this was another ton of antipasto, and it looked as if all of } New England was doomed as one glop was about to hit another. But all } that happened was that both loads glopped into the Charles River, } harmless compared to the pollution already present. } } It was then that it was discovered - antipasto ends with an "o", not an } "a"! } } And the gastronomical race was on! (also known as the Stuff Yer Face } Race) } } CIA and KGB cooks on opposite sides of the globe worked feverishly } around the clock to unlock the secret of "antipasta". Using cyclotrons, } photon cannons, cuisinarts, and other common farm implements that may } have been available to Joey, they tried to reproduce the missing "a". } } Fortunately, both sides have long given up. But I have done an } extensive personality run-down on the young Joey (mostly by accessing } FBI files) and know that for one thing, he was prone to devouring his } own earwax, something neither agency thought of (nor should we tell } them)! You can do the physics equations for yourself (Hint: George } Washington Carver documented much the same process with peanuts). } } You owe the Oracle a crate of antipasta (magnetically suspended in } vacuum).