From kinzler Wed Aug 8 17:40:39 1990 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Wed, 8 Aug 90 17:37:41 -0500 From: Steve Kinzler To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #189 Reply-To: oracle-vote === 189 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #189 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Wed, 8 Aug 90 17:37:41 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. To receive these postings via mail, send mail to oracle-request on the same machine. Back postings are available via anonymous ftp on iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (129.79.254.192) in the directory pub/oracle. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote, eg: 100 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 184 9 votes 11313 11241 13212 12411 32211 23202 01332 12222 21402 03231 184 3.1 mean 3.4 3.3 3.0 2.9 2.4 2.7 3.7 3.2 2.9 3.2 --- 189-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Tell me a lot about your current incarnation, please. Lie as much as > you see fit. Thanks very much. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } My current incarnation is in strict incarceration, } At excessive elevation on the Andes Trail; } For a scurrilous invention (which has lead to my detention): } I released at a convention one Republican male. } } Once I thought and I invented (though they all called me demented) } And at last my thoughts fermented: I would make a Quayle! } I tinkered and mechanicked, my expression oft bemanicked, } And all who knew me panicked and hoped that I would fail, } But my heart is seldom daunted, my brilliance often vaunted, } and all my friends were haunted and oft turn`ed pale. } } At long last I had completed my most evil and conceited } and insidious and foetid unholy Techno-Grail, } My thoughts were scarcely troubles as all the test-tubes bubbled; } To the GOP I smuggled my gift to one from Yale. } That one's mind my spells infected, and so he my gift selected, } And indeed were they elected: a familiar tale. } } But the Democrats discovered and around my hideout hovered, } And with swift ether smothered my poor heart so frail. } They entered and abducted and in a car conducted } To a building new-constructed: my new home and jail. } } I raved and howled and clamoured, for I was ill-enamoured } for to be unjustly slammered (and could not skip bail). } And in this state repose I, though surely never chose I } Such a grubby and uncosy and disgusting little vale; } So until they chance to free me, you ne'er more shall see me; } I fear they'll fricasee me or smite me with a flail. } } My current incarnation is in strict incarceration, } At excessive elevation on the Andes Trail; } For a scurrilous invention (which has lead to my detention): } I released at a convention one Republican male. --- 189-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How do I increase the size of my genitals? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } My dear disciple, has the Lord our God smitten thee with such a curse } as genitals of an improper size? If so, I fear that there is no sure } cure for such a dilemna. However, I do believe that some rememdies } have been proven to be affective. Let me see, now... } } (Flip, flip, flip...) } } Ah, yes! It says here in `Dewey's Guide to the Cretin Mind,' } } " In order to increase the size of one's genitalia, } one must endure a most painful ritual. First, take the } scrotum from a live Beflakxian Yak, permeate it with the } odors of the offal from a carnivorous canary, and then } boil it in the bile from a virgin goat in heat. } After boiling the treated scrotum for 16 hours, } baste it with the blood of a schizophrenic cowboy/aztec } warrior. When this is finished, the scrotum must be } made to come in contact with the genitals during a full } moon. Do this three times, and pray to God that all your } bellybutton lint gets a plane ticket to Houston. If done } properly, the genitals should increase exactly 1%. This } ritual may be repeated as often as needed." } } Also, in the infamous `Bailey's Heart-Warming Trilogy on Ants and } the Meaning of Dead Fish,' he writes: } } " Increasing the size of one's genitalia is not a } simple thing to do. First, one must don a kilt, a kimono, } six rubidium bracelets, and an `Elvis: The King hat'. Now, } dance around the room, yelling 'Cybil has no paper, Cybil has } no paper!' After fifteen minutes of this, gather up all the } flammable items in your home and use them to make a sacrifice } to Daklavnius, God of Fire and Genital Size. Now, immerse } the area(s) to be affected in contact-lens solution for 3-5 } minutes. The size of your genitals should be at least 15 } times what they were before. } Now, as for genital reduction..." } } As you can see, you are probably better off just trying to make do } with what the Lord has provided. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of 'Making It,' by Dr. Ruth. --- 189-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hey, the DARPA sent us a vial of Lisa virus (infect a woman with it, and > she's supposed to change into a copy of Lisa the net.sex.goddess over a > few months) as one of the perks of our contract. I injected my > girlfriend, two other guys injected theirs, a female grad student and > one of our secretaries injected themselves, and my advisor injected his > wife and teenaged twin daughters. They've all changed -- but not into > copies of Lisa, but rather into copies of Roseanne Barr! DARPA refuses > to send us fresh Lisa virus so that we can try again -- they say that > it's not their fault, and that if we don't finish our part of the > contract they'll have us arrested. What should we do? All of those > fat, bitchy Roseannes are driving us crazy, and they're not even any > good in bed. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, of course... Lisa, the net.sex.goddes is copyrighted. Anyone } attempting to clone, or copy Lisa will find themselves subject to the } Roseanne copy protectiong. (It was a bitch, working it in there... no } pun intended.) Actually, the source code alteration necessary for the } copying of Lisa is on line 8. It should be } } WE INTERRUPT THIS ANSWER TO INFORM YOU THAT THE PENALTY FOR COPYRIGHT } INFRINGEMENT OF LISA, THE NET.SEX.GODDESS IS REMOVAL OF THE PENILE } IMPLEMENT NEAREST YOU... WHICH WE CONSIDER TO BE A VERY STIFF PENALTY. } COPYING IS INTENDED SOLELY FOR BACKUP PURPOSES ONLY, AND MAY ONLY BE } DONE BY AN OFFICIAL REPRESENTATIVE OF DARPA THOSE RESPONSIBLE FOR THE } ABOVE MESSAGE HAVE BEEN SHOT. --- 189-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great and mystical Oracular being, whose very mind is a complex > matrix, whose great lines have no slope, whose equations aren't equal, > whose solutions are often dependent, answer me this: > > I recently sent you a question where I outlined my dilemna: I can't > seem to communicate without using math terminology in my sentences! I'm > in quite a dilmena, and the only solution you offered was that I join > your system in order to accentuate your solution set, so to speak. If > this is my decision, how do I get to work each day? How much do I get > paid? Where do I work? (See, there are too many variables...) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Variables are not the truth and the way, } Solution sets I do not crave, } Differential Equations stir not my libido } They are slow and stupid } They wear blue underwear } I cannot drink with them, } I cannot wear them along with my socks. } They sleep like parrots in my typewriter } Like Mexicans, they eat hot food } And do not drink with me } Not even water } And boy do I need water after all that hot food. } } They cause me great anxiety, } They cause me great constipation, } They make my nipples ache } With the ache of distilled humidity. } They cause me great headaches, } They make my string sonata sound like pigs wallowing in sludge } They are winkling on my butt } They are strangling my little finger } They are pulling my long hair } They are de-kinking my short hair. } } Think thee of this: } They are not like thee and me. } They have hang gliders, yet do not fly. } They have board games, yet are not bored. } They have blueberry muffins, yet do not sleep together. } They have large thumbs, yet do not hitchhike. } } When this becomes true, who can deny them or say where they might go? } } Alas. Alas. Alas. --- 189-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Some murder me, most just drown me, can I run away yet? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Have you bought and broken in your Nike Air or Reebok Pumps yet? } If so, then run all you like. } } $NET.BIG.BROTHER MESSAGE FOLLOWS: } } YOU CAN RUN, BUT YOU CANNOT HIDE! YOU CANNOT ESCAPE THE CLUTCHES OF THE } NET.POLICE! WE WILL FIND YOU, IF WE HAVE TO HUNT YOU TO THE ENDS OF THE } EARTH! THE ORACLE IS HEREBY ORDERED TO SUPPLY ALL PERTINENT INFORMATION } IN ORDER TO HUNT YOU DOWN AND STOMP YOU TO DEATH!!! SAVE US SOME } TROUBLE AND TURN YOURSELF IN. WE PROMISE WE WILL BE MERCIFUL. AND } QUICK. } } } } I guess that is your answer. } I really had little choice. The almighty Oracle has only one superior } whom She must obey. } } $NET.BIG.BROTHER MESSAGE FOLLOWS: } } THE ORACLE EITHER OBEYS THE ORDERS OF THE THOUGHT POLICE OR FINDS ITS } PLUG PULLED, ITS BACKUPS WIPED, AND ITS EMERGENCY BATTERIES YANKED. WE } HOPE YOU UNDERSTAND. } } SIGNED, THE THOUGHT POLICE. AKA NET.BIG.BROTHER } HAVE A NICE DAY --- 189-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wise Oracle, > If you put a copy of _The Elements of Style_ by Strunk and White > in an empty room and added a copy of _Modern English Usage_ by Fowler, > what would happen? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } ***********************CONGRADULATIONS******************************** } } You have just asked this week's MYSTERY QUESTION!!! } } Tell them what they've won, Lisa... } } .."You've won an all-expenses paid trip for two to Iraq, where you } can spend your vacation riding in tanks, inhaling nerve gas, and } hording Kuwaiti oil! } .."Then, travel to the Heart of Baghdad, the Iraqi Hilton! Two } floors are still standing, offering the same comfort and convenience } as _before_ it was bombed! Swimming pools filled with various } chemicals, the spacious smoke-filled sky, it can all be yours!" } } But wait! That's not all! } } You get 1E62 copies of _The Elements of Modern English_ by Strowler } White, to give to all your friends! And you can deliver them in... } } ..a new car! } } That's right, you can deliver your 1E62 copies of _The Elements of } Modern English_ in your new 1962 Volkwagen Bug! (Well, it was new } when we bought it!) } } Thank you for playing the Oracle Home Sweepstakes, and please try } again. } } Oh, the catch? You have to find us to claim your prize. Tally-ho! } } You owe the Oracle a lifelike Vanna White doll. --- 189-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great Oraclo, whose hair could outsmart even Albert Einstein, yowza > yowza yowza unto thee. The thought of squash makes me sexually excited. > Zucchini is pretty intense also, watermelons turn me on, but butternut > squash is *it* for my sexuality. Is this bad? Should I get a sex > change? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I hate it when people don't give me enough information. How can I } tell if you need a sex change if I don't know what kind of sex you } are? What do you expect: a multiple choice answer? Oh well, it's } been a slow afternoon at Oracle Central today, so what the hell: } } PRESENT SEX DIAGNOSIS TREATMENT } ----------- --------- --------- } None Penis Envy Radical "Mayonnaise" Liposuction } XX Horny Come to Oracle Central sometime } XY Incurably insane Massive doses of Vitamin C } XTC Tone Deaf Massive doses of rock groupies } X11 Nerd Massive doses of bitblt's } V8 Vegetable Juice Pound Hand Against Forehead --- 189-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh magnificent creature, whose armpits smell like the sweetest > roses, whose breath knocks over camels, and whose "member" makes > stallions look on in envy, tell me: > > Where are all the good, single, non-gay men these days? I've > been looking and looking, and all I find are dweebs, geeks, a--holes, > marrieds, and "uninteresteds". I am an attractive female living in the > Northeast. > > Also, do you know what to do to get a computer geek's attention? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } How to get a geek's attention: look at him. Or smile at him. Both } together is a sure thing. If that doesn't work, it'll be tough. Geeks } tend to be either hypersensitive or hyperuninterested. (However, with } proper therapy, either can be overcome. Don't give up.) } } As to where all the good guys are: } Well, funny you should mention it. Why don't you drop me a line -- my } address is [...Oracle anonymity override...text deleted...] } } Hey! Stop that, you [...override] [...override] } } [...interrupt. You owe the Oracle an apology, for tempting His users } beyond what they can be expected to handle.] --- 189-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wise Oracle, > Something peculiar keeps happening to me. I'll meet a woman > over the net, and we'll start up a correspondence, and I'll be really > witty and charming and she'll be ready to fall madly in love with me, > sight unseen -- and then, over a period of a few weeks, she'll write > back less and less often and eventually won't answer my e-mail at all. > This has happen about six times to me. Why this same pattern, and how > can I keep up an e-mail correspondence for longer than that? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It's because you bore them. But don't let that discourage you. } Keep trying. Maybe someday you'll succeed. } } You owe the Oracle another try for the Gipper. } } :::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: } } [Hi. This is the Oracle's personal secretary Myra. I } really shouldn't be telling you this. It could get me } fired. Or worse. But I just can't stand by and let it happen } any longer. Don't believe what the Oracle just said. It's not true. } The real reason you've had no } luck with those six women is that the Oracle has been stealing } them away from you. } Lisa left him recently, and he's been bitter and vindictive. } You may not know this (few people do), but He has control of email. } He reads EVERYBODY's messages before they get them. } When He saw the success you've been having, He became jealous. } He sends messages to these women impersonating you, } letting fewer and fewer of their responses actually come back to you. } Eventually, he completely takes over the correspondence, leaving } you in the cold. } He's on a power trip you know. Once He's won these women's hearts } (and, of course, you did the hard part) He casts them aside } for someone new, leaving them shattered and hateful. I just } can't stand to see this happen anymore. I think you deserve to } know the truth. Hopefully, } this evil travesty will end. I just pray that } the Oracle will overlook this one mail message.] } } ::::::::::::::::::::::::::: --- 189-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle, fount of all worldly knowledge, > Does granite really have more fun than human beings? What about > gneiss? If rocks really do have more fun, how can I become a rock? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, being a rock can really suck cock } If you're lava long cooled from our planet } They make it a vice if you know you are gneiss } And everyone takes you for granite. } } It's an igneous fate if you're feldspar or slate } And shale's life can be simply hor'ble; } You live short stint as an arrowhead flint } And probably lose all your marble. } } It's a big hassle if they find you're a fossil } From T. Rex's canal alimentary; } They'll probe you for history to solve some great mystery } Explaining, "Why, it's sedimentary!" } } You're stoned all the time on gravel and lime } And gem stones all say "take a hike!" } And it never gets better... (But I've never meta- } morphic that I didn't like!) } } } The Oracle has run out of cute rhymes without providing } a clear answer. Tough.