From kinzler Fri Oct 5 09:49:36 1990 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Fri, 5 Oct 90 09:34:38 -0500 From: Steve Kinzler To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #202 Reply-To: oracle-vote === 202 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #202 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Fri, 5 Oct 90 09:34:38 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. To receive these postings via mail, send mail to oracle-request on the same machine. Back postings are available via anonymous ftp on iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (129.79.254.192) in the directory pub/oracle or via mail by sending the word "help" in the body of a mail to mailserv on the same machine. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote, eg: 100 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 197 11 votes 13421 01631 11630 16112 03422 11333 23411 22241 01532 11333 197 3.2 mean 2.9 3.4 3.0 2.7 3.3 3.5 2.6 3.0 3.5 3.5 --- 202-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > You should tell your thirteen year old that Santa Claus is mommy and > daddy because eventually she is going to find out from the wrong person. > If that happens she may be upset with you both. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Mighty Oracle, with great effort of mind I still find within myself } some dying glimmer of faith in your power and--I force myself to } believe--your goodness, and your ability to save my daughter, my } family--indeed, all humanity, and the very universe which humanity has } for eons complacently regarded as its own, never knowing, never } suspecting that in another dimension --a dimension which is, I now } perceive, perilously close to our own-- there has awaited since the } dawn of time that Being --yet I cannot utter its name without the last } vestiges of my sanity being crushed beneath the weight of the hideous } truth which I alone must bear--though soon, I dread to think of it-- } soon all will behold the fullness of its horror--the horror of -- the } Jolly One -- the One in Red -- } } Did you ever ever receieve my last question, Oracle? How sweet, how } innocent the time I wrote it now seems, although even then the horrors } I had glimpsed oppressed me. It was Christmas then, and my daughter, } my darling Virginia-- her talk of the strange of frozen wastes she } beheld in dreams, of great cities of ice, a universe of cold and } crystal, and then her strange demand for blue crayons -- the crayons } she used to endlessly compose cryptic, strangely garbled LISTS -- and } then the chanting began -- that nauseous dirge -- oh Oracle, how could } my daughter, my precious, innocent Virginia, utter unceasingly, hour } on hour, such a fiendish, godless monody ... "SAN-ta, SAN-ta, SAN-ta, } SAN-ta..." -- and in the morning, what I found--running from the } fireplace to the chistmas tree, the ghastly, putrid trail of } phosphorescent slime. } } I told you of these things then, Oracle, but no answer came. Yet } weeks later I discovered my question, and an answer -- a queer, } weirdly nonsensical answer -- posted to alt.conspiracy -- yet -- I } shudder to recall this, Oracle -- the question and answer were } HIDEOUSLY TRANSPOSED !!!!! What unthinkable disruption of the cosmos, } what strange mutation of the most fundamental laws of our universe, } could cause such an aberration...? } } I pray that you receive this questoin, Oracle, for now the truth is } clear to me. I know now-- would that I did not! -- that my daughter, } my Virginia, has been chosen as the medium by which the ... the Jolly } One shall pass through that gate which until now remained so } mercifully sealed -- and that with the arrival of this ... this being } ... the reign of humanity shall end ... } } I turn to you now, Oracle, asking now not for advice, but for the } salvation of humanity. Yet I fear your answer ... I fear the only way } I can avert this horror is through the most dreadful sacrifice -- that } only by murdering, in cold blood, my flesh and blood, my offspring, my } darling, precious Virginia -- } } Oracle!!! } } I just heard something, a bump on the roof -- } } } I hear a rythmic -- beating -- HOOF ON HOOF -- } } I know who comes Oracle! The ones I saw in dreams-- dreams until now } blissfully forgeotten -- dreams of those antlered fiends -- those } heinous, grinning UNGULATES -- send them backe, Oracle !!!! Return } them to the stygian depths from whence they came -- back Prancer! } back Cupid !! } } The fireplace! From the fireplace -- a hideous SUCKING -- --- 202-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What God or Goddess is Friday named after? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } If you ask Joe Sixpack, he'll probably tell you that Friday is named } after the Norse goddess Freja. However, Mr. Sixpack probably doesn't } have access to the Ultra-Confidential Top-Secret Oracular Book of the } Origins of the Days of the Week, which reads: } } Saturday -- called by that name because "Satur" sounds a little like } "satire," which is appropriate because many writers who don't get } invited to wild parties spend their Saturdays satirizing the } beer-guzzlers who do. } } Sunday -- named after the ice cream sundae, which people eat on Sunday } when the bars are closed. } } Monday -- comes from the same root as "money," which is something people } don't have much of on Monday because they spent it all on alcohol over } the weekend. } } Tuesday -- actually, this was originally called "Boozeday," but since } people usually drink heavily on Saturday and only have around two } drinks, the name was changed to reflect that. } } Wednesday -- a name whose spelling makes a lot more sense after a couple } of drinks. } } Thursday -- Sounds like "thirsty," which is what many people are after } not having a drink for 24 hours. } } Friday -- named after the Norse goddess Freja. } } Oops! Looks like I was not actually reading from the Ultra-Confidential } Top-Secret Oracular Book of the Origins of the Days of the Week, but } rather from Joe Sixpack's Guide to Mixed Drinks and Origins of the Days } of the Week. As a matter of fact, I appear to have lost the } Ultra-Confidential Top-Secret Oracular Book of the Origins of the Days } of the Week. Darn. It was a library book, too. } } You owe the Oracle $25 to pay for the book he lost. --- 202-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, Most Wise and omniposexy Oracle, what say you to this proposition? > > I *HATE* clothes! I *HATE* laundry! > Why can't we all go naked? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I *HATE* clothes! I *HATE* laundry! } Laundry puts me in a quandry! } Washing takes up so much time, } I would rather live in slime! } } Dirt's my pal! Dirt's my friend! } I'll love dirt until the end! } Some would say we should go naked, } I say "Yes, I love dirt cak-ed } } On my body! In my hair! } Smear that dirt all everywhere! } That is what I'd like to see, } Smear that dirt all over me!" } } } You owe the Oracle one bar of Ivory soap. --- 202-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > MOE: CURLY WHO DID YOU THINK IT WAS > > CURLY: MOE HOW DID YOU GET LIKE > THAT > > MOE: YOU HIT ME IN THE HAND WITH THE WAND > > WILL YOU PLEASE TURN ME BACK TO > MYSELF PLEASE! > > [AS CURLY WENT TO TURN MOE BACK INTO HIMSELF AGAIN . . .] And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } ...THE LIGHTS WENT OUT. } } MOE: LOOK! A LIGHT AT THE HORIZON! } } CURLY: THAT'S MY CIGARETTE LIGHTER, NIPWIT! } } MOE: LOOK! A LIGHT AT THE HORIZON! } } AND INDEED THERE WAS. A LITTLE MAN, DRESSED IN A GREY COURDUROY, } APPROACHED THEM. } } LITTLE MAN: GRATINGS! } } MOE & CURLY (IN AMAZEMENT): WHADDAYA MEAN 'GRATINGS'?! } } LITTLE MAN: SORRY, I WAS FORGETTING MYSELF. } } CURLY: YEAH, I DO THAT ALL THE TIME. LIKE, SOMETIMES I WAKE UP AND } WONDER, 'WHAT'S THAT INSIDE MY TROUSERS', AND TEN MINUTES LATER I } REALIZE IT'S ME... } } MOE: CURLY? } } CURLY: YES? } } MOE: SHUT UP! (TO THE LITTLE MAN) LITTLE MAN, WHO ARE YOU ANYWAY? } } LITTLE MAN: MY NAME IS VOLMANN. I WAS LYING UNDER A PINE TREE. } } MOE AND CURLY DREW THEMSELVES ASIDE AND DISCUSSED IN HUSHED VOICES. } } CURLY: HE MIGHT WELL BE TELLING THE TRUTH, YOU KNOW. } } MOE: YEAH, I MEAN, ONLY THE REAL VOLMANN LIES AROUND UNDER PINE TREES... } (IN A LOUDER VOICE, ADDRESSING THE LITTLE MAN) SHOW US THE PINE } TREE!!! --- 202-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is the best way to become a grad student at MIT? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It's a simple two-step process: } } 1. Don't get peanut butter on the application. } } 2. Be a handicapped yet highly motivated Eskimo super-genius } Yale graduate who just happens to be a close personal } friend of Noam Chomsky & whose father recently donated } $2.6 million to MIT for student housing & slide rules. } } If you've taken care of (1) and (2) already, all that's left is to } give the dean of admissions a blow job. You should still apply to } other places too, though, just to be on the safe side. } } Good luck! --- 202-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hey Oracle! You gave me a shitty answer! Take This! > _ > / \ > |\_/| > |---| > | | > | | > _ |=-=| _ > _ / \| |/ \ > / \| | | ||\ > | | | | | \> > | | | | | \ > | - - - - |) ) > | / > \ / > \ / > \ / > \ / > | | > | | > | | And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Thank you for your prompt payment. } _ _ } _ / \ / \ } / \| | | ||\ } | | | | | \> } | | |___| | \ } | - - - - |) ) } | / } \ / } \ / } \ / } \ / } | | } | | } | | --- 202-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wise & mighty person! > > My wife, in common with many other women of her age, is 47. How long > will I have to put up with this? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It is said that a man will probably make no major contributions to } society if after the age of thirty he's still riding a bananna bike. } The same could be said of men with 47 year old wives who consult the } Oracle. Oh well, probably you have more fun than the achievers } anyway. } } Now, on to your question. } } Yes, your wife is 47, and on November 12 she will be 48, and so on. } Such is life. Yet she is, in many ways, a remarkably young woman-- } certainly much younger than you are, in every way. What do you do } with your life? You work, you sleep, you shave, sometimes you sit } back in your easy chair and listen to a CD, sometimes you read the } paper. You never jog anymore. And really, what kind of life is that? } } But think of all the things your wife does! Not just her part-time } job at the real estate agency, but things around the house, too -- } things like tending that beautiful garden of hers, cooking that } wonderful home-made pasta, salting the slugs, cheering up the UPS man, } giving your Toyota the eye-catching Jackson Pollock style abstract } expressionist paint job, setting sneakers on fire just to see what it } smells like, constructing balsawood model aircraft that really fly, } sending our boys in Saudi Arabia those copies of "Hustler" and "The } Satanic Verses" along with several cartons of pork rinds, teaching } Wagner the water rat to do back flips, doing backup vocals for Motley } Crue, dancing Swan Lake before the crowned heads of Europe, publishing } a highly respected paper which conclusively established that large } numbers of sheepdogs in southeastern Turkey are being slowly poisoned } by the toxic alloys used in their spiked metal collars, translating } the complete works of Pushkin from Russian to Greek to Javanese to } Finnish and finally to a mysterious hieroglyphic language only she } knows, and flower arrangement. } } So you see, your wife is really quite a remarkable woman who is, in a } sense, just getting started in life--indeed, as she grows older she } will become even more active and eccentric, although after her first } stroke at age 85 she will completely give up breakdancing. Be glad } she's yours. } } You owe the Oracle infinite devotion and a back rub. --- 202-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Can you recommend a good dentist for my ferret? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } A DENTIST FOR YOUR FERRET? You're CRAZY! Squeeze 'im 'til 'e } squawks, then yank 'is teeth out with pliers, like everyone else does! } } <*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*> } WARNING! } } THIS IS PETA WITH AN ANIMAL CRUELTY ALERT! TOUCH ONE TOOTH IN YOUR } POOR LITTLE FURRY CREATURE'S MOUTH, AND WE'LL HANG YOU BY YOUR } GENITALIA FROM THE GOLDEN GATE BRIDGE! } } AS FOR THIS SICK DEMENTED ORACLE, WE HAVE RAIDED HIS HOME AND } RESCUED HUNDREDS OF UNDERNOURISHED AND MUTILATED GERBILS! WE CAN } ONLY GUESS WHAT SICK EXPERIMENTATION HAD BEEN PERFORMED! (AND BELIEVE } ME, WE HAVE A VIVID IMAGINATION!) } } REMEMBER, TREAT YOUR PETS WITH RESPECT AND THEY'LL BITE YOU BACK! } NOW, WE'RE OFF TO SAVE THE UPPER ATHABASCAN THREE-TOED LUNGFISH FROM } EXTERMINATION BY A GROUP OF PTL FOLLOWERS THAT WANT TO BURN THEM AS } SACRIFICE TO GET JIM BAKKER OUT OF PRISON! TOODLE-OO. } } END } <*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*> } } Ignore that. } } <*sigh*> } } It's tough dealing with you lunatic mortals. I've arranged a } steam-rollering of South Dakota next week to eliminate a subspecies of } poisonous blue ants-- That ought to keep PETA busy for a few months. } } The gerbils were being used for legitimate scientific sexual } experiments. Honest. } } You owe The Oracle 640,000 acres of Amazon Rain Forest. --- 202-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How much woad...? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Good question. Just let me tune up here ... } } *pluck* } *strum* } *hmmmmm* } } Okay. } } } How much woad could a slowed toad load, } if a slowed toad could load woad? } How many shrimp could a limp whimp pimp, } if a limp whimp could pimp shrimp? } What great course could a Norse horse force, } if a Norse horse could force a course? } The answer my friend, is known only to the Woodchuck, } The answer is known only to the Woodchuck. } } How many dimes could a lime mime slime } if a lime mime could slime dimes? } How much drool could a fool ghoul cool, } if a fool ghoul could cool drool? } What great mounds could a downed hound bound, } if a downed hound could bound mounds? } The answer my friend, is known only to the Woodchuck, } The answer is known only to the Woodchuck. } } } Thank you, thank you. } } Well if I were a Woodchuck, } I'd chuck it in the morning, } I'd chuck it in the evening ... --- 202-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Where do socks go when the dryer eats them? Is it the same place you go > when you're put on "hold"? Can you get there by Amtrak? Will we find > Jimmy Hoffa there? How about L. Ron Hubbard? Rod Serling? Elvis? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Unfortunately, socks do not go to the same place as the persons you } mentioned. Disappearing socks are actually sacrificed to various } entelechies, depending on who their owner is. Children's socks are send } to The Being Who Keeps Mom From Finding Out, while college students' } socks usually go to the God Of Partial Credit. Single Adults' socks } usually go to The Creature Who Finds Perfect Partners, and married } adults' are usually credited toward their kids' accounts. Jimmy Hoffa, } L. Ron Hubbard, Elvis, and Rod Serling are playing bridge on the } 8th-10th dimensions, in case you're curious. You owe the Oracle a } package of tube socks.