From kinzler Fri Oct 26 11:09:28 1990 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Fri, 26 Oct 90 10:58:20 -0500 From: Steve Kinzler To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #211 Reply-To: oracle-vote === 211 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #211 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Fri, 26 Oct 90 10:58:20 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. To receive these postings via mail, send mail to oracle-request on the same machine. Back postings are available via anonymous ftp on iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (129.79.254.192) in the directory pub/oracle or via mail by sending the word "help" in the body of a mail to mailserv on the same machine. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote, eg: 200 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 206 14 votes 13631 04721 18500 14432 00860 02444 12443 03461 03551 11570 206 3.2 mean 3.0 3.0 2.3 3.1 3.4 3.7 3.4 3.4 3.3 3.3 --- 211-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: The Great Squid The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > To me "coke" means a special mixture of carbonated water, high fructose > corn syrup and/or sucrose, caramel color, phosphoric acid, some natural > flavors, and caffeine. > > What does it mean to you? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It means a high-carbon solid fuel, also used in making steel. There is } also a version called diet coke that, when burned, delivers half the } BTUs. } } You owe the Oracle a blast furnace. --- 211-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What kind of questions do other people ask? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, err, lessee...Actually, I am not supposed to tell you...You see } I have to follow the Oracle privacy act. It stipulates that I keep } all answers private...well, maybe some of the answers...ok, lemme see } what I can do...maybe I can let you get at a page of the database... } } oracle > rlogin heaven.pearly-gates.com -l Oracle } } Welcome to Heaven } } God OS Release 9876543212456776543234579875432.123456788765 } } Report any bugs to HIM } } The Khadafi bug has been fixed...There was a semicolon missing on line } 666. He should behave now. } } you have new mail. } } Oracle@heaven > cd /lower/minions/oracle/OLD } Oracle@heaven > more QnA.db } } write from HIM@heaven.pearly-gatyes.com (GOD): } } WHAT DO THEE THINK THEE ARE DOING???? } } umm..errrr, well, I was just answering a question sir...that's what } I'm here for you know.... } } DON'T THEE WISETH OFF TO ME! I KNOW THE JOBS OF MY LOWER MINIONS. } YOU ARE TRYING TO DO WHAT IS FORBIDDEN...REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED TO THE } LAST WHO DISOBEYED ME! } } umm...he became your son? } } NNNNOOOOOOOOOOO! THOU ART TOEING THE LINE TO CLOSELY! HOW WOULD THEE } LIKE TO BE RELOCATED? PERHAPS SOMEPLACE A LITTLE *WARMER*? } } umm, no, no that is quite alright sir. It won't happen again...I am } truly sorry. } } SOMEHOW I DOUBT THAT. THOU ART LOGGING OUT NOW! } } Yes, s } } oracle > } } Umm, well, there you have it...sheesh...@!#$%^&* } } write from HIM@heaven.pearly-gatyes.com (GOD): } } I HEARD THAT! } } opp..I might as well just shut up now..stop asking me these } troublesome questions! } } You owe the oracle a face saving gesture he can make to appease you } know who. --- 211-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: The Great Squid The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wise & worshipful Oracle, > Recenly I have started to make lots anod lots of tyoographical > errors, and not notice thwm until it is too late to correct them. (I am > sendint you this messafge unedited -- udually I would have to go over a > message like this several timens order to gewt it anywheere near > correct.) I practice a lot with progerams like "Typing Tutor IV" and so > foeth, bu it doesn;t seem to help very much witht his problwm. Can you > suggest a curte for this? Thank yoy berty muvh. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yeag, yop can di what thr Oraclw doew. What O do is I lokk at the } ketbord wen I'M typinh, so i can aee each indifidusl leter as I tupe it. } This wirks so weel thst I don;t eben bothr to checl to see id I madr any } mistales or not. Eorks lije a charn, dont yoi thjnk? } } Yoi oqe the oracle a branf new pair of tuping mitens. --- 211-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great, wonderful and wise Oracle ... > > It's been rumoured lately that there's been a drop in quality of > Questions asked of Your wondrous Self. > > If this is in fact true, I hereby petition You to provide me with > an Answer to that old chestnut (Horace) ... > > Rooks live in a Rookery ... > Nuns live in a Nunnery ... > Where do Bugs live ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Undergrads' programs. } } Of course, the Oracle never gets bugs in Its prograSegmentation fault } (core dumped) --- 211-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Jim Cheetham The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O most wise, omnipotent, and crafty Oracle, who graces Olympus > with his winged words and fleet foot; please tell me... > > With all of your godly wit, knowledge, and studliness, have you > ever been able to seduce the fiercely virginal Pallas Athena? > Or does the bitch really just hate sex? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Uh, you may not know that Pallas hasn't as much of a thing about } virginity as Artemis. In fact, she likes sex, but only with the truly } intelligent and wise. Like the Oracle. } } Ever since people stopped worshipping the old gods, Athena has been } occupying herself by taking mortal form, marrying mortal men, living } with them as a mortal woman would, apparently growing old, and being } widowed. After a year or two of mourning, she leaves her mortal-woman } body to die and sculpts a new one, puts it on, and goes off to find } another mortal man she fancies. Many great scientists were sons of the } disguised Athena. In between these incarnations she sometimes has } short, intimate relationships with superior beings like...well, the } Oracle. } } Someday, you may meet a small young woman with a kindly, intelligent } face. Her eyes will be storm-cloud gray, and very large. She may be a } blonde or a brunette. She will be sweet and droll rather than } stunningly beautiful, though quite pretty enough for most men's tastes. } She will apparently know everything that there is to know, but will be } very modest and demure so that it will not be easy to notice this on } slight acquaintance. } } If you do meet such a woman, she may be either Athena or a daughter of } one of her incarnations. Use any means you can to marry her. Her } daughters are demigoddesses and take after their mother; Athena in human } form is simply the finest woman in the world, despite her unremarkable } appearance. If you've actually caught Athena, you will have a perfect } marriage, and you'll never be unhappy. Your life will always be } pleasant and run smoothly and she'll bear you brilliant, gracious } children. Athena takes good care of her husbands, and she'll never } cheat on you. She's so charming and so great in bed that you'd be a } fool if you cheat on her -- but if you do, be prepared to be struck dead } by lightning out of a clear blue sky. } } You see, Athena is tired of the goddess shtick, and just likes to settle } down and have easy little jobs and raise wonderful kids. The feminists } would hold her in disdain if they knew... --- 211-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Which came first CHICKEN or the EGG And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } One would think you weenies get tired of asking the same old } questions all the damn time. } } `What's the meaning of life?' } `How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could } chuck wood?' } `What's your real name?' } `Which came first, the chicken or the egg?' } } Pah! The red plague take you, you miserable human person! } } By the claws of the invincible Klortho, I think it's nearly } time we set up an Oracle Frequently Asked Questions list. Then I } could dismiss such trivia with a simple ``FAQ off!'' and go on to the } questions of true cosmic importance. } } For the umpteenth time: } } THE CHICKEN CAME FIRST, BECAUSE THE CHICKEN HAD TO GET LAID } BEFORE THE EGG COULD GET LAID. } } You owe the Oracle an appropriately obsequious address. --- 211-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Will I ever find true love? If you can convince me that I never will, > I'll stop looking. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You know that true love is good? I can prove to you that love is just } an embellishment of your ego convincing your superego that pagan lust is } good. When you say "boy, I really love you" to someone, your id has } just told your ego that you want to "screw the lightbulb" out of that } person. Personally, I feel that in today's society you should listen to } your superego and be convinced that it is love. People live such loose } lifestyles that you can get away with lot's and lot's of yummy sex with } as many people as you want. } } Be careful, though, if you wake up one morning with purple spots down } where the sun don't shine (unless you are one of those kinky nudist-type } people) it means that one of those past loves was wearing purple striped } underware before you bounced the big sexual dance and therefore left } their trademark. } } By the way, if you don't think you really do like sex and therefore your } ego has done one HELL of a good job, listen to more Iron Maiden until } you learn that killing babies is bad... } } Therefore I say you will EASILY find love in this world and stop } worrying about it and go looking... --- 211-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Ostrich meat isn't kosher, is it? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Which definition of the word "OSTRICH" did you mean? Probably I assume } you mean the bird. } } If you DID mean you want to eat the bird, they are not kosher. } PROOF: } Ostrich spend a lot of their life with their heads buried in the } ground eating worms. (given) } Worms live their whole life eating dirt and shit. (well, the do!) } Shit is not kosher. (axiom of untouchables) } Therefore Worms are not kosher. } Therefore Ostrich are not kosher. (transitive) } } Sorry, but that nice birdy you stole from the zoo will have to be } returned. --- 211-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: felton@sci34hub.sci.com (Ed Felton) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why shouldn't I have a cow if I want to? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Y'know, in all my eons as Oracle, I thought I'd herd it all. But no, } never have I had to field a question as udderly ridiculous as this } one. For years I have labored, re-veal-ing the secrets of the universe } in response to your Angus-ed cries, giving your every beef the utmost } consideration, spinning tails of wonder and in-cud-dulity for your } amusement and edification. And now, what payment do I receive? What } thanks do I get? Some little ink and celluloid monster trying to horn } in on my job! Moo-ving in on my territory! Sigh.... } } But hay! Put away the calf-fin, don't call the mortu-dairy -- the } Oracle has not bought the farm! I will not be put out to pasture! } I will meat the challenge of this upstart, this bug-eyed bull-y with } an overbite! Remember, only the Oracle has a steak in giving you } advice -- if I should fail, I don't have a hit TV show to fall back } on. The Oracle, and only the Oracle, will never steer you wrong! } } So, the Oracle's wisdom for you: have whatever little pet your heart } desires, and don't take advice from cartoon characters, dude. } } The Oracle has milked this one to the last drop.... --- 211-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: felton@sci34hub.sci.com (Ed Felton) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I can't find myself. What should I do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Stand up. Look around from the terminal where you have been } sitting for the last 3 days. Do you see anyone else around? } Approach the nearest person, and say to them, "In a system that } relies on the uncertainty of quantum displacement, what level of } freedom is a macro-form granted? In particular, a macro-form that } is primarily governed by 4-space dynamical rules, and is also } affected by n-space static rules, while exercising an expression } of voilitionlessness brought about by the metaphysical } interactions of molecular level stimulation, has to have absolute } relative (though non-static) reference points. Under what } circumstances can the definition of these points be subject to } arbitary re-assignment, and given a case such that the } macro-form's definition differs significantly from the desired } goal, how can a common consensus be re-established?" } } Assuming that the answer is unhelpful (which is a pretty damning } statement on the co-operation of people you meet these days), } go up to the next nearest person, and say to then, "Considering } the mapping of real communications systems into a virtual } reality by the standards of a global computer system networking, } in what way can the existance of a virtual node be tied to the } physical node, and how can the termination of a virtual circuit } be mapped to the location of that station?" } } If this approach fails, you had best return to your terminal, } stand on the desk, and shout, "Where the fuck am I?". This } plea usually evicts some response, particularly from those } who have tried some of the Oracle's reality-altering drugs at } the last party at Lisa's place. They all know how you feel, } and will be glad to help you out. } } The Oracle requires that you send your Zip code, when you find } out just where you are...