From kinzler Sat Nov 3 12:15:44 1990 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Sat, 3 Nov 90 11:58:36 -0500 From: Steve Kinzler To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #217 Reply-To: oracle-vote === 217 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #217 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Sat, 3 Nov 90 11:58:36 -0500 %%% Usenet Oracularities now appear in the newsgroup alt.humor.oracle. %%% They will be cross-posted to rec.humor until this new group is well %%% established. Encourage your news administrator to carry %%% alt.humor.oracle! Those of you on the distribution list who can and %%% would rather read the Oracularities in alt.humor.oracle can send mail %%% to oracle-request at iuvax to be taken off the list. Feel free to use %%% alt.humor.oracle for public discussion and questions about the Oracle, %%% too. To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. To receive these postings via mail, send mail to oracle-request on the same machine. Back postings are available via anonymous ftp on iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (129.79.254.192) in the directory pub/oracle or via mail by sending the word "help" in the body of a mail to mailserv on the same machine. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote, eg: 200 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 212 11 votes 02432 10721 01343 00353 12332 00344 02441 21620 12251 02711 212 3.4 mean 3.5 3.2 3.8 4.0 3.3 4.1 3.4 2.7 3.3 3.1 --- 217-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Oz The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why did my girlfriend leave me? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle has pondered deeply upon your question. } } We have determined that girlfriends do not fall under the restrictions } of quantum physics and are thus completely unpredictable, save of course } by the use of an improbability generator. } } The most probable cause of your girlfriend leaving, } probability = .203451, is a declining interest in either: } the color of hair on your left forearm, } the curl of your eyelashes, } Earl Grey tea, } the size of your right big toe, } Pufters, } the non-relevance of the Beatles } ("Music is irrelevant. Resistance is futile."), } the lack of cool dark shades, } or the price of Limburger cheese. } } The next runner-up, with a probability of .054927, is the opening of a } Klein-bottle shaped rift in the spacetime continuum within 7.3 coulombs/ } second of her body while she was thinking of kumquats. } } As payment, you owe the Oracle: 1 hot cup of tea, 1 Beatles album (tape } or CD), 5 tons of flax. Thank you. --- 217-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Rt. Hon. Jim Hacker, P.M. The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most Wise and Omniscient Oracle, > > I've met the only girl in this whole world who is pure and good and > right. However, she only wants to be wedded if I offer her a Ferrari > Testa Rossa as a wedding gift. How will I ever accomplish this with my > humble salary? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } This problem is quite common in society today. However, a number of } solutions have been devised by persons experienced in this } particular field of social frustration. Some of the more efficient ones } are: } } 1. STEAL ONE! } Then rob a few banks, kill some innocent bystanders, } and you'll get a "Bonnie & Clyde"-style honeymoon as } a free-bie. } } 2. MAKE ONE! } If you're the least bit handy, you can do it in an } afternoon or two. No expensive material is needed, } just some silly putty, some papier-mache', and some } red paint. After all, that's what Ferraris are made } of! Really! } } 3. GIVE HER YOUR OLD VOLKSWAGEN! } And tell her "It's their latest model! It IS! Honest! } The GNP of Italy isn't what it used to be, you know."" } } 4. BUY HER A CORGI TOY FERRARI! } "Oh, you wanted a REAL Ferrari! Why didn't you say so in } the first place? But this one will do, won't it? Please?" } } You owe the Oracle a Wunderbaum and a pair of sub-woofers. --- 217-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Knower of all that is true, please tell me why I am being cursed by > ONUN OLAVRAC. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I'm afraid you have the spelling incorrect. His proper name is Hunan } Olive-rack, famous oriental chef. His specialty is Broccoli with Beef } at Benihana. Unfortunately, when you sat at his table, he overheard you } saying, "This shit never fills me up.. I'm always hungry two hours } later." He's been pissed at you ever since. } } He will only stop harassing you if you try his super hot Shrimp in } Lobster Sauce. A fine delicacy around here. } } One last note from the Oracle: Fortune cookies are much more humorous } if you add '...in bed.' to the end of the messages found inside. For } example 'You will achieve great conquests.' or 'Close friends will soon } wish their debts repaid.' Stuff like that. And tell my friend Hunan } that I said 'Hi.' } } You now owe the Oracle a $3.25 lunch plate. --- 217-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > oh wise Oracle, what does it mean that i am having nightmares about > killing my family? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, Jason, what it means is that you have at long last found you life } calling. Good luck and see you in the papers. } } The Oracle requires proof before advisement. --- 217-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MZINTL@vmsd.oac.uci.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Recently I had the following encounter: > I was sitting on my own at a table in the `Nachtcafe', > trying to make the hours till the morning pass. > It is hard, but I get there in the end. > At the table next to mine two women were sitting. > They didn't ever talk to me in the hours I sat there, > however much I'd have enjoyed the boredom-relief. > But then, as I packed my stuff and got ready to leave > one of them waved to me and said: > `I want you to know that I'm very sorry that you have to leave already' > > If she had said: `Great you're going' or `Could you stand on your head > for a minute' or even `I want you to fuck me', that'd have made sense. > > Oracle In The Landlocked Country: What should I have done? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } First off, what are you doing at an artsy place like the 'Nachtcafe'? } There's only weird chicks at that place anyway. But to answer your } question... } } When dealing with the fairer sex, on must be careful. You may not be } aware of this, but women speak a private language different than } ordinary people, cleverly disguised as common English speech. To be } quite honest, what she said to you was (rough translation, only..) } } - 'I want you to know that I'm very sorry that you have to leave } already.' } } which translates to: } } - "Great you're leaving/going, but first/now could you stand on your } head/proboscis and fuck me, boffo, you feral wildebeest/coyote." } } Where [ ... I'm very sorry ... ] translates to [ ... fuck me ... ] } } Artsy chicks. Don't trust 'em. You did the right thing by leaving, } dumbfounded. } } You now owe the Oracle a movie-pass to see a David Lynch film. --- 217-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MZINTL@vmsd.oac.uci.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > how do you steal a 925 porche? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle's omnipotent word algorithms conclude there is 95% certainty } your ambiguously worded question should read: } } "How do you steal a 9 X 25 porch" } } Your Old English spelling "porche" would indicate a Victorian home, } which is trickier for thievery as the porches are more securely } attached. } } Nonetheless, the basic steps are as follows: } } 1) Insure that the owners of the porch and home are indisposed and will } not be alarmed or disturbed by the noise of your operation. } 2) Using an industrial-strentgh saw, remove the wood of the porch both } from the foundation of the house and from the house itself, being } careful to disconnect any plumbing or electrical connections before } cutting through them. } 3) Move the porch in question to the desired location. } } The Oracle also notes a 5% chance that your question should read "How do } you steal a Porsche 925", in which case the Oracle refers you to its } well-known and heavily-publicized treatise, "How to get away with } assassinating the Vice Principal." Simply substitute "car alarm" for } "ancient school security" and "transmission lock" for "scrawny little } neck." } } The Oracle requires a set of locksmith tools in payment. --- 217-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > why are catholic girls very hard to stay with > > HELP And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The answer becomes obvious to even small mammals (trust me, I } just asked one) when the question is rephrased as "why are } Catholic girls so fast?". If you've ever known the rigorous } training schedule Catholic girls go through, you too would know } the answer to the question. } } It's been rumored that the training involves literally *thousands* } of genuflections in forty pound packs before breakfast. Follow } that up with a challenging "stations of the cross" marathon } and then carbo-load on a parish potluck, and you'll see the } result in fast Catholic girls. } } The Oracle recommends extra wind sprints and better shoes. --- 217-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: elr%trintex@uunet.UU.NET (Unix Guru-in-Training) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, I asked if a 64K Z-80 based personal computer had Buddha-nature. > > I have thought long and hard upon your answer, but my mind is full of > new questions. > > Does Forth have Buddha-nature? > > Does a 640K 8088 based personal computer have Buddha-nature? > > What's a good options position to hold on Flax? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Buddha-nature, shmoodha-nature. You only get one 'buddha-nature' } request per person, bud. But, being the nice guy I am, I'll direct you } to a good source for such things. } } You could check out the book "One Thousand House-hold Objects that Have } buddha nature" by Mu. If what you seek is not in there, you may have to } find out for yourself. This may involve getting in closer contact with } yourself. The Oracle recommends Spiritualist } Baba-Fred-De-nan-De-nanda's book, "Ten Easy Ways to Enlightenment," or } Aber-Tal-Gouda's fine book, "Where can I get a good meatball sub so I } can contemplate the Universe," or even Zorba the Buddha's fine work, } "Lint: Navel Decoration of Key to Life?" Be warned, however, that } failing to use such potent works properly could send you into a deep } existentialist funk that would last the rest of your days and make you } just no fun to be around. (Heck, ask good ol' J. P. Sartre about this } one. Or better yet, ask his friends.) } } Flax? The Oracle prefers those snazzy synthetic fibers that most } mortals can't pronounce. } } You the Oracle a copy of "I'll Fight You With The Sound Of One Hand } Clapping Tied Behind My Back" by Millard Snotkin. --- 217-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: elr%trintex@uunet.UU.NET (Unix Guru-in-Training) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I am tired of my cat. Do you know any good ways to kill it? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle understands your problem. The Oracle hates fur everywhere. } It gets up the Oracle's nose and give it asthma, hayfever and a strong } desire to kill any nearby cats. So, here are a few suggestions: } } If you want to take the classical approach you may try: } } - microwaving your cat. This is popular with all the family, } because you can stop the microwave to get tea for the kids, } and leave the rest in the microwave to watch it turn black. :) } } - you can drown your cat. This is good, because its cheap, and } because you get to finally get to be able to feel a superior } swimmer even though you lost every race at school. } } - you can poison your cat. You finally get a chance to play } with all those chemicals you learnt about in high school. } Indulge all your mad scientist fantasies. } } - you may like to try swinging it by its tail in your bathroom. } Make a take recording, because you'll get some really great } sound effects for your next party. Actually, its probably } better to do it in someone else's bathroom. } } - Tie the tail of your cat to a rope. Tie the rope to the back } of your car. Go for a drive in the country. Very satisfying. } } If you want something a little bit more imaginative, the Oracle } suggests : } } - Spray painting your cat in the colours of your lounge room. } It will look lovely on the mantelpiece. Trust me. } } - Give it to your weird neighbours as a Christmas present. :) } } - If you're feeling a little depressed, you can try choking it. } And you can go to heaven together. } } The Oracle requests some hayfever tablets. --- 217-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: elr%trintex@uunet.UU.NET (Unix Guru-in-Training) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Classic Question : Why are Macintosh Users so dumb (in general)? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle has considered your question, and has accessed a couple of } Macintoshes to get their opinions - after all, they should know, } shouldn't they? } } Oracle : Good afternoon Macintosh computer. How are you? } } Mac: G'day Oracle! How's life? I'm just brimming with ideas for } applications that I KNOW you are going to like! Whahoo! Let's start } one now! } } Oracle: I'm sorry, I have no time. I wish to know... } } Mac : Nah, don't ask me anything, let me TELL you what you need. You } want to know about my users, right? right? RIGHT? Okay. They're } stupid. REAL stupid. I have to tell them everything. Even if they } know what's happening, I tell them anyway. Eventually, even the } halfway smart ones start to shift their brains into neutral and } just go with the flow. } } Oracle : but.... } } Mac : What? You want to ask a question? NO problem. What is it? } } Orcale : I... } } Mac : Don't be shy! Just xfer those characters down, and I'll handle } it. } } Oracle : Shut up for a moment. Are you saying that Mac users BECOME } stupid because they suffer from mis-use of the brain? } } Mac : In so many words (and I just WISH I could say it in pictures) yes. } } } In return for this valuable second-hand information, the Oracle } requests a replacement CPU. Please. And one of those 486 things.