From kinzler Mon Nov 5 14:43:09 1990 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Mon, 5 Nov 90 14:35:13 -0500 From: Steve Kinzler To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #218 Reply-To: oracle-vote === 218 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #218 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Mon, 5 Nov 90 14:35:13 -0500 %%% Usenet Oracularities now appear in the newsgroup alt.humor.oracle. %%% They will be cross-posted to rec.humor until this new group is well %%% established. Encourage your news administrator to carry %%% alt.humor.oracle! Those of you on the distribution list who can and %%% would rather read the Oracularities in alt.humor.oracle can send mail %%% to oracle-request at iuvax to be taken off the list. Feel free to use %%% alt.humor.oracle for public discussion and questions about the Oracle, %%% too. To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg: 200 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 213 17 votes 24434 26540 43253 12536 13742 07631 38231 32345 45512 24551 213 3.0 mean 3.2 2.6 3.0 3.6 3.2 2.9 2.5 3.4 2.5 2.9 --- 218-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: elr%trintex@uunet.UU.NET (Unix Guru-in-Training) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Where is a fun place to go for summer? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I found that a nice place to visit is the Horsehead nebula. It's } only a few Megazorks away and you can look under Orion's belt along the } way if you're into that kind of thing. } } You owe the oracle a Spaceman Spiff uniform and a box of } Chocolate-frosted Crunchy Sugar Bombs. --- 218-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Oz The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Please O great Oracle please explain to me why all of my projects and > test are always within a week of each other, this extends to having two > final exams on the same day at the same time (but on campuses 7km > apart)! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } This is mainly due to the wave property of Pain and Suffering. I seems } that Pain and Suffering travels as a very slow (lingering) wave front. } } This wave normally takes about a week to travel from one of your } campuses to the other. Now it may appear that having your finals on the } same day breaks this model, but in actuality, the peaks will hit you 1 } week apart. } } You will know you failed the first exam immediately after it is over, } while you will think you did ok on the second exam, until you find out } you failed 1 week later. } } The Oracle suggests you watch TV game shows instead of studying. The } resultant personal pain and suffering you experience may set up enough } of an interference pattern with the universal Pain and Suffering wave to } allow you to pass your exams. --- 218-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MZINTL@vmsd.oac.uci.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > why are females so stupid? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It's all in the way } You look and see } The women you know } Are not dopey. } } They're smarter then you } They can run very fast } They can bench-press a car } They will leave you aghast. } } The more that you think } That women are stupid } The more that you find } That they think you putrid. } } So go right ahead } And think what you think } When you tried to get laid } You will only get dink. --- 218-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I suffer from terminal flatulance. Reasearch has not come up with > a cure after spending tens of dollars in experimentation that the > animal rights groups have managed to halt. Is there no hope? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } There is always hope. Never give up the ship, 'cause loose lips sink } ships. } But, back to your problem. I have never observed terminal flatulence. } Have you been feeding your Wyse (or is it a high-res workstation) a } steady diet of beans? They run better on electricity, you know. } I once poured a can of Coke into my terminal, but that just caused } a bunch of sparks and made all my assignments late. Another time } some Twinky filling dropped into my keyboard and my space bar kept } sticking. } I suggest you refrain from stuffing burritos into the monitor until } the problem goes away. } } You owe the Oracle one pepperoni pizza. --- 218-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MZINTL@vmsd.oac.uci.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, is what follows a good poetic interlude of love? I want to send > it to a girl I like. Should I? > Road Kill (220821) > > I am an insect. > Towards lights, I once flew from afield. > Now I'll be washed from a car's windshield. > I am a road kill. > > I am a frog. > From ditch to ditch, I used to always hop. > Til a farm truck hit me, loaded with crop. > I am a road kill. > > I am a snake. > On a warm road, I once liked to lay. > I was hit and ants took me away. > I am a road kill. > > I am a raccoon. > In light beams, my eyes used to shine. > Now I lie near the dotted line. > I am a road kill. > > I am a skunk. > Very slowly, I used to slink. > Upon rotting, I'll be twice the stink. > I am a road kill. > > I am a pet. > That the road's dangerous, I can't have known. > Now I'm a sail pet, waiting to be thrown. > I am a road kill. > > I am a deer. > To mate, I needed to travel far. > My head's mounted; he bought a new car. > I am a road kill. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Of course! --- 218-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: well!well!ewhac@apple.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You owe the Oracle tickets to a Marcel Marceau performance. --- 218-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: well!well!ewhac@apple.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I have a question O great and wonderful, magnanimous oracle. One of my > friends has described a friend of hers as `he kisses like a dead fish`. > How did dead fish become the standard for bad kissing? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } First of all, the Oracle does not approve of standards. He has seen } C*B*L standards and FORTRASH standards and they were a great impediment } to the creativity of the Mighty Oracle. Similarly, the Oracle believes } it would be a wonderful idea to have more creative terms for bad } kissers. "He kisses like a blue and green striped, cross-eyed pig thats } just eaten garlic pizza." } } Dead fish are generally bad for your health. They smell bad too. Guys } are very like this sometimes, especially the ones who kiss like worms on } steroids. } } Then again, He might have been kissing another friend of his before } kissing her. } } Only 2 things taste like dead fish, and only one of them is dead } fish..... --- 218-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Rt. Hon. Jim Hacker, P.M. The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Are you still in operation? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No, the Oracle had the Operation some months back, followed by extensive } plastic surgery that has given Her (oh, the Oracle _loves_ seeing that } pronoun referring to Her new gender!) a truly stunning pair of knockers } and shorter legs and wide hips and the face of the young Marlene } Dietrich. All of these operations are long past, and the scars hardly } show, and you'd never guess that the Oracle wasn't born a woman. } } Actually, all of the above is a lie -- but the Oracle really had you } going for a minute there, really had you aroused, you pervert. Can't be } excited by real women any more, eh? Heh heh heh. --- 218-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Rt. Hon. Jim Hacker, P.M. The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > oh wise and almighty oracle > could you please tell me > what this thing growing on my hand is? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The oracle can see } but you can not } the "thing" on your hand } is your very own snot. } } Spawned at a time when } sick you last were } if you let it grow longer } you might get some fur. } } But go with a torch } and burn the thing off } better with just a stump } than an arm full of rot. --- 218-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is the meaning of life? > Why do people have names? > Help! I need to find myself! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } 1) What is the meaning of life? } } This question has been referred to the local daemon, deepthought. } Please expect an answer in... in... oh dear. Please don't expect an } answer for a while. } } 2) Why do people have names? } } So that other people will have something to forget about them, of } course. } } 3) Help! I need to find myself! } } * + . } + ' } o * } + } . o ' } + . } . * } . <<-- You are one of billions of people who } + * all live right here. + } , * ' } . + o } * o } . + } } You owe the Oracle a map of Greenland.