From kinzler Sun Nov 18 09:58:01 1990 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Sun, 18 Nov 90 09:45:20 -0500 From: Steve Kinzler To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #230 Reply-To: oracle-vote === 230 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #230 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Sun, 18 Nov 90 09:45:20 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg: 200 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 225 15 votes 21336 42414 43620 33441 64320 03345 04353 62610 07422 22263 225 3.0 mean 3.7 2.9 2.4 2.8 2.1 3.7 3.5 2.1 2.9 3.4 --- 230-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great oracle, > > I have a problem that I think you can help me with. > > Why do people hate me? > > Is it just because I took over one little country? > > Saddam Hussein And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Tsk tsk. Mr. Hussein, or do your friends call you "Sad"? } What you have is and IMAGE problem. You need an AGENT. } } See, where you went wrong is that you spent too little time presenting } yourself as the paragon of good, and too much time killing women and } children. The latter is OK, so long as you have spent enough time doing } the former. } } Unfortunately, it is too late to reverse the public opinion. But next } time, here is what you do: } } 1) pick the country to invade } 2) create a scandal that depicts inhuman atrocities by that country } 3) protest loudly for at least 5 months. } 4) create yet another scandal. many slow painful deaths should be } involved. (of your own countrymen, of course) } 5) send a peace emissary to try to work things out. } 6) organize peaceful protest and media exposure. come off as the } pacifist. } 7) arrange to have your peace emissary assissinated (make it look like } they did it, of course) } 8) start the rhetoric about "slow to anger, but anger we must. we are } left no alternative." } 9) by now at *least* a year has passed. gear up for invasion. } 10) invade 6 months later under the deep regrets of your nation. } 11) weep profoundly over the deaths on both sides that would have been } needless if your enemy had not been so aggressive. } } ta-da! instant hero. } } you owe the Oracle East Bloc military aid. --- 230-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Do you know of anything more soothing than 'MR. BUBBLES'? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I am taking in acount that you're probably pretty new at doing hard } core bubble bath shots, so I'll take you through the whole chain... } } It usually starts out pretty innocent, without you thinking too much } about it. Usually you heard about a friend who tried it and you just } figured - why not? 'Mr. Bubbles' and 'Finesse shampoo' are what you } could call 'entry ports', and neither is very dangerous in smaller } quantities. But!, then things happpen: You find yourself coming home } after work and instead of kissing the Misses, you head for the bathroom } for that after-work shot to take you down. Then you start doing } 'uppers'! Yes! I'm talking about ( I know you've heard it before ) 'Mr } Clean', YES, and various detergents and starches. } You then convince your wife that YOU would like to do the week's } shopping and start hanging out at the grocery store every night before } coming home. You fill cartloads with goodies which you take home and } hide under your bed and in drawers. } And then: Your wife catches you snorting lines of bleach and leaves } you the next morning. You can't hold up your job and get fired. You } walk the streets and start breaking into people's homes, taking all the } household chemicals you can carry. } You're at the bottom of the ladder. You find yourself at the city } dump searching through garbage. You wake up in the morning and can't } move unless you get an injection of Windex. } You die. Problably an overdose of 'Drano' the medical examiner } concludes after your autopsy. } } The conclusion? Just say NO! } } You owe the Oracle a speedball, a tie off, two tenths of Chinese White, } some sunshine acid, a couple of mushrooms, some peyote and some } mescaline. --- 230-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MZINTL@vmsd.oac.uci.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Where can I buy an original Escher woodcut, and how much can I expect to > pay for it? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It is impossible to _buy_ an original, but they can be _found_. Allow } me to explain: } } Escher had a rather odd habit of hiding his works by putting them } *within themselves*. As you can imagine, this gives rise to great } dimensional stresses and spacio-temporal distortions. The result is the } distictive 'warped' feel that most of his known works impart to the } viewer. It is important to realise that this is entirely caused by the } autoencapsulation process and was not present when Escher was actually } creating the drawing, carving, or what have you. Because of the } twisting imposed on space-time by all this, it is possible to find the } original of any of his works in any copy (or print) of itself. You may, } therefore, obtain an original by proceeding as follows. } } Identify the points of maximum and minimum surrealness within a copy of } the work. The original should be hidden at one of these two places, or } 180 degrees away (as the crow flies). [NOTE: this is, strictly } speaking, true only for an infinitely big object - edge effects may } introduce some secondary surreality which can, as the object tends } towards finity, become dominant. Experimentation is recommended in the } very finite case.] When you think you know where the original is hidden, } cut a small hole (preferably no bigger than the copy you are working on) } and have a look. If you were correct you should see the original } masterpiece, as undistorted as Escher intended. As finder, this is } yours if no-one claims it within six months. } } WARNING: } As detailed above, for finite prints it is possible that secondary } effects have mislead you into opening the print at the wrong place. If } this happens RESEAL IT IMMEDIATELY. If you don't, someone else may, by } making the same mistake, inadvertantly open another copy at the same } wrong place. Both copies will then try to release their dimensional } stresses. Usually the one printed on stiffer paper will succeed, } resulting in the flimsier copy, and anything nearby, being sucked } through the hole and deposited where it ought not to be. Having a } library suddenly leap from a book and land in your lap can be fatal. } Having the library you are sitting in land in your lap can also be very } confusing. } } You owe the Oracle a pair of Tardises, each inside the other. --- 230-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: bjb@hubcap.clemson.edu (BJ Backitis) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Which is better, a strong easilly definable line, or a thin almost > nonexistant one? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah-hah, a context sensitive question. This mortal thought to ask a } question without the requistite levels of background data available. } Hmmm. The best way to find out the context would be to ask someone } who knows what the question's context is. } } Always go with the best, so I should ask myself the what the context } is. } } Knock Knock. } } Excuse me, Am I busy at the moment ? } ] Of course I'm busy, I'm always busy. } Could I spare me a moment? } ] WHAT ?? Another one? I gave you one just back in 1602. } I know. I'll promise not to bother me again till 2001. } ] Stop whining like that I'm geting my shoes soaked. OK, what do I want? } I need to know the context for a mortals question. } See it's the one up there. } ] Oh, thats soooooo easy, its a line as in. } ] "I Dare you to step over that line." } How'd I know that? } ] I thought I told me, I dont reveal my to secrets to anyone, especially } ME. } ] Now go away before I turn myself into a toad, for being impertinant } } } } Gee whizz. I wish I didn't get all upset at myself over nothing, I'll } have to try and talk me into another session with Siggie. Now where was } I. } } Oh yes. } } Obviously in this situation a thick line is the best, preferably several } miles. No one will do anything while you draw the line, and so you can } run away, before the wise guy can do anything to you. } } You owe the Oracle the transcript of your first seven Psychiatric } sessions. --- 230-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: sci34hub!eng3!eng3!felton@uunet.uu.net The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is Ronald Reagan really a Muppet? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } O Inquisitive One: } } In a word, no, Ronald Reagan is not a Muppet. However, you have to } understand the reason why Reagan is not a Muppet: } } When Ronald Reagan was shot way back when, he actually died. Reagan was } a great role model and morale booster as President, and would be sorely } missed. It became the task of several of Reagan's close, personal, } government advisors to decide on a replacement. } } (Please pardon the Oracle for the oxymoron "personal government") } } This group of government advisors decided that George Bush was not ready } to be President, because he might do something stupid like pick an } Indiana college dropout to become Vice President. And he also acted } like a goof. So it was decided that he best do his job outside the } country. } } Meanwhile, Alexander Haig boldly stepped forward and said "I am the } President. I am in complete control." This would have been fine, except } that Haig never asked the group of government advisors for permission. } They didn't want Haig to make a habit of this, so they refused him the } Presidency. } } With no other real alternatives, the advisors felt that it would be } better if they had Reagan back, and portray him as the strong survivor } type who could take a bullet and still live. This would boost the } American morale. Unfortunately, this was impossible, because Reagan was } firing striking Air Traffic Controllers from his Great Oval Office in } the Sky. Thus the advisors pondered, until one night, when a young desk } clerk quipped... } } "Why don't you just get a puppet or something to take his place?" } } Ah! What genius, the advisors thought! This just might work! } Immediately the young desk clerk was killed so the advisors could claim } it was their idea. A phone call was placed to Jim Henson, the one } person the advisors believed could make a decent replica to the deceased } President. Henson's reply was: } } "What? You must be kidding! I only do REAL comedy." } } This is the reason why Reagan isn't a Muppet. Henson wouldn't go for } it. } } Instead, they contacted the people who run the "Hall of Presidents" at } Disney World. They complied, and the rest is history. (Isn't it ironic } how Disney now owns the rights to the Muppets?) } } P.S. If you ever hear a government official joke about "that Mickey } Mouse administration", now you know what he means. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of Goofy's (I meant Reagan's) memoirs, } preferably hard cover. --- 230-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: elr%trintex@uunet.UU.NET (Unix Guru-in-Training) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hello there Mr Oracle, > Another small message from Australia. How do you manage to do > this and still be allowed to stay at an institution of productivity ? > If you did what you are doing now inn America in Australia people > would frown on you muchly. well done for keeping it up !!!!! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } An institution of productivity, mind you, it's a nuthouse up here. It's } obvious you mortal souls have never been allowed even a glimps behind } the curtains to get an idea of what goes on back here. As for getting } away with it, our organization is structured in a strict hierarchy, that } means that the guys on top don't have a clue of what is going on on the } lower levels where the communication with mortals is being handled. I'm } sure you are familiar with that there down under. Do you know what all } those sheep and kangaroes are talking about huh? As for managing to do } this, you don't really think I'm doing this all by myself do you. First } your question is screened at the DEPARTMENT FOR GOOD VICES. If your } question doesn't pass this department, you will be visited by one of our } social workers paying you a visit in the middle of the night and giving } you a vision. That usually takes care of that. If the question does } pass the DEPARTMENT OF SILLY QUESTIONS your question will be send to the } DEPARTMENT OF CHEAP GENIES AND PREPSCHOOL ORACLES. If they are able to } answer your question they will do so on their own and noone higher up in } the hierarchy will ever be bothered by it. If, as in your case, the } question needs some deeper analysis, it will be send to the DEPARTMENT } OF SEMI CERTIFIED AND OTHER UNRELIABLE INDEPENDENT ORACLES. Mostly, } they will be able to answer your question or pretend to be able to do } so. If there is however a question that cannot be answered by these } guys, the question will be queued for processing by our allmighty ORACLE } WHICH HANDLES EVERYTHING OTHERS DIDN'T UNDERSTAND. There are only two } questions that have been known to make it all the way up to this } department. However, the word is out that these questions might take } forever to answer thus would in effect never be answered in the eyes of } the mortals who asked them. It is this case and this case alone that a } mere mortal will be allowed to enter the priesthood of oracularity and } become an editor in the DEPARTMENT OF SILLY QUESTIONS. } } You see, you almost made it to the top with this question. The oracle } now will end this reply because there will be a rerun of I LOVE LUCY on } ORACLENET2 soon and I still have to pop the corn. --- 230-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Russell S Porter The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I realise that the Oracle is one of the most infinitely good and wise > beings in all creation, but tell me, deary, have you _any_ vices? > Have you ever suffered from penguin lust? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } How dare you accuse the Oracle of penguin lust! Why, it } frankly disgusts the Oracle to think that anyone could } feel lust over a svelte, sleek aquatic waterfowl in } the first place. Why, if I ever had one in my vast, } uh, hot tub, uh, I'd probably kick her right out. No } matter how much she pouted. Well, maybe I'd let her stay long } enough to preen her sensual feathers, um, and ... er ... polish } that erotic beak on various parts of my body, but absolutely } no more than that. Well, the Oracle would have to be a gracious } host and offer her something to drink, yeah, that's it, } and help her towel off of course... } } Scuse me, I have some business to attend to... } } You Owe the Oracle an all-day pass to Sea World. --- 230-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: elr%trintex@uunet.UU.NET (Unix Guru-in-Training) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Tell me scummy Oracle, > Is your I.Q. really so low that one must dig > deep in order to find it. Is your I.Q. really smaller then your > shoe size? Is it true that dinasours are more intelligent then > the great oracle? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Look, for once and for all, intelligence and wisdom are NOT the same. } Did I ever claim to have a super high IQ? No. Only that I am } omnicient. To help you understand the difference, let's assume for the } sake of argument that you, mortal, are intelligent. Now, let us compare } and contrast the two of us. } } Supplicant Oracle } -------------------------------- --------------------------------- } 1. Knows the e-mail address of 1. Knows how to give a girl an } the Oracle orgasm } } 2. Thinks his digital watch is 2. Thinks the way Lisa puts her } neat ankles behind her ears is } neat } } 3. Scores high on IQ tests 3. Scores often with scrumptious } young ladies with supple, } perf breasts and firm thighs } } 4. Knows what Miss December's 4. Knows what Miss December } measurements are from reading tastes like } her data sheet } } 5. Gets good grades 5. Gets good head } } 6. Wears ties to keg parties 6. Wears girls at keg parties } } 7. Has a Casio fx-115M calculator 7. Knows exactly how useful } for calculating hex, octal, and inverse hyperbolic trig- } binary math as well as decimal, onometric are at getting you } and can do inverse hyperbolic laid } trigonometric functions faster } than any other calculator on the } market (comes with a carrying } case too) } } 8. Thinks that it's from playing 8. Knows the real reason your } too much tennis elbow is sore and your palms } are chapped } } So, foolish mortal, while you are busy insulting the Oracle by } questioning my IQ, I'm having the time of my infinitely prolonged life. } } Who's smarter? } } The Oracle doesn't want anything you've got. --- 230-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: elr%trintex@uunet.UU.NET (Unix Guru-in-Training) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Wise One: > Is it true that cows are really people who have changed their > physical appearance so they don't have to pay taxes? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Only some cows. You can tell the difference by looking into their eyes. } } (__) } ($$) } /-------\/ } / | || } * ||-|--|| } ~~ ~~ } } You owe the Oracle a complete canonical collection of cows. --- 230-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: well!well!ewhac@apple.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I am confused. What year is it? Someone in my office told me that it > was 1990 but this can't be, because we have big IBM mainframes running > OS/MVS here. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } In most of the world, it is 1990. You appear to be stuck in local } time-space discontinuity. } } The oracle has done some research on your behalf, and discovered a most } disturbing phenomenon. } } Due to their large mass, IBM mainframes actually warp the space around } them and slow or reverse the passage of time. This is known as a "Blue } hole." You must have passed too close to blue hole here in 1990 and been } sucked back to 1968. Check your sideburns. Say "groovy." Do you feel } silly? If not, you are in 1968. } } Unfortunately, there is no known remedy for your condition. Thousands } of people every year are reported MISsing. } } You owe the oracle a stack of punched cards.