From drwho@ATHENA.MIT.EDU Mon Dec 10 08:46:48 1990 Received: from ATHENA.MIT.EDU by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu with SMTP (5.61+/1.4jsm) id AA27515; Mon, 10 Dec 90 08:43:01 -0500 Received: from E40-008-10.MIT.EDU by ATHENA.MIT.EDU with SMTP id AA24640; Mon, 10 Dec 90 08:42:48 EST From: drwho@ATHENA.MIT.EDU Date: Mon, 10 Dec 90 08:42:43 -0500 Message-Id: <9012101342.AA21890@e40-008-10.MIT.EDU> To: oracle-list@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Subject: Usenet Oracularities #241 Reply-To: oracle-vote@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu === 241 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #241 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Mon, 10 Dec 90 08:42:43 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg: 200 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 --- 241-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: bjb@hubcap.clemson.edu (BJ Backitis) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O wise Oracle, who knows the deepest human motivations, > > Why have I suddenly developed an obsession about being dressed in a > spandex bodysuit, wrapped head to toe in duct tape, and encased in > plaster of Paris? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, judging from the sudden onslaught of such a "possession," The } Oracle thinks that you may be experiencing a "bleed through" of a past } life. Yes! In fact, The Oracle will even TELL you what you were in ALL } of your past lives, so you can see that this is a pefectly natural } feeling, considering how much your soul has been through. So just let } the Oracle open the proper channels, and all will out. } } Your FIRST LIFE: You were a single cell organism, floating in the } primordial soup. You were so bad at this that you had to try two } million times to improve your lot. Don't feel bad though. There are } people who are STILL one cell lifeforms, and yet others are waiting to } be demoted. (Take those lip-synchers, for example, or Jim J. } Bullock...) Anyway, from here you progressed to... } } Your FIRST LIFE AFTER THE BIG TWO MILLION!: You were a cucumber. Not } even the burpless kind. However, you gave one woman a lot of pleasure, } and her husband a lot of gas. >brp<. After several thousand } incarnations as various vegetables (including one pumpkin squash, two } stalks of broccoli, and five carrots) you proceeded to the insect } kingdom. (By the way, your time spent as a vegetable explains why you } spend so much time in front of the terminal, the television, the ... } never mind.) } } Your FIRST LIFE AS AN INSECT: This was a dreadfully important life for } you. You were a cockroach in early North America. An early primate } squished you, thus establishing the war between Man and Cockroach for } all time. However, not all lives were bad for you as an insect. You } did get to become various flying creatures from time to time, and in } general, you did a good job. This set up a promotion, allowing you to } skip arachnids and mollusks, and go directly to crustaceans. } } Your FIRST LIFE AS A CRUSTACEAN: You became a red, hard shell, ocean } crab. You composed many an under sea tune, and tried to help a certain } female mermaid friend catch a young prince's eye. This good deed gave } you another jump, and sent you directly to mammal. } } You were a cow. For kicking a farmer, you were temporarily demoted to } duck, but you fought back, and became a basset hound. Your soul floated } in limbo for many years, and eventually you made it to human. You died } of the Black Plague once. } } Your FIRST LIFE AS A RENAISSANCE MAN: You were an artist. Not a great } one; although you knew Michaelangelo, he spit on you a lot for your } practiced vulgarity in sculpture. Your last work was an unfinished } fresco entitled, "Man Lusting After Horsechestnuts." During this work } you fell into your vat of unprepared plaster, thus permanently marking } your soul. } } You wandered through many an unappealing life, none very interesting or } pleasurable. In the 1950's, your entered college, and almost } immediately, some upperclassmen taped you to the back of the largest } female on campus. In her shock, she rolled on top of you, and you died } a horrible death. The people who did this to you received a stern } warning not to do such a thing again. You received another tell-tale } mark on your soul. During the 1960's, you took a lot of drugs. } Eventually, you tried to smoke some alka-seltzer through a latex glove. } This caused wild hallucinations of clinging, tight, rubbery clothing, } and the last mark was made. You were then born into your present life, } not considered much of an improvement over your others. The painful } moments in your past lives have etched remembrances on your soul. In } order to deal with them, however, your brain has perverted such markings } into desire. You must resist any temptation. } } You owe the Oracle a spandex body suit, five rolls of duct tape, and } some plaster of paris. --- 241-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Should I write the novel? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } WHHAAATTT?!?!?!? You haven't written it yet!? Good grief, don't you } realise that was due at the publishers THREE WEEKS AGO?!?! Haven't you } ever heard of causality??? You can't publish the book before you write } the thing! It causes all sorts of temporal problems. You want to get } the Old Man upset or something??? } } Okay, okay, calm down. Now, let's see if the Oracle can get you out of } this mess. Hmmm, maybe if I talk *really nicely* to the publishers on } your behalf we might be able to avoid any unpleasantness. } } Whoops, what's this note on the terminal: "HeavenNet(TM) down for PM." } Drat! Now we're really stuck. Oh, and if I remember correctly, Espernet } is down today as well, due to maintainence scheduled for next week. } Double drat! The Oracle must have *some* form of communications here } somewhere.... Ahah! What's this? Errmm, some } sort of plastic banana I think, uuhhhh, of course, it's one of those } old communications devices! Um, called the.......TELEPHONE! Oh yeah, } the telephone! (they don't call me omni-sentient for nothing you know) } } Okay, dial Almighty Publishing (inc), and.............. } } , } } "Hello?" } } Hello, is that Almighty Publishing (inc)? } } "No! This is Almighty Plumbing Services. You've got the wrong number!" } } Oh, sorry. } } "You should be! We've had a pipe break on the 1387/1388 junction, } there's raw time effluent backed up till 15000 BC, and the tachyon } bypass filter's clogged again. LEAVE ME ALONE!!" } } Oh dear. Let's try that again. } } , } } "Hello, Almighty Publishing, could you hold the line please?" } } <[the gentle sound of Home On The Range being played on a kazoo, while } the musician is being strangled]> } } "Okay, dis is Don Corleone speaking, how may I 'alp you?" } } [Hmmm, I had wondered we He employed them]. Ummm, it's the Usenet } Oracle here, we seem to have a problem with that mortal who was writing } the new book for the Boss. } } "What?!?! '101 Eggplant Recipes (a Detective Story)'?? Does that fool } realise what dis means?? We've already begun printing it, if he doesn't } start writing it soon we could have a paradox on our hands that would } frighten Schroedinger's Cat!" } } Yes, I had mentioned that to him. } } "Well tell him we'll hold off the reality errors for 2 more weeks and } then THAT'S IT!" } } Hmmm, well The Oracle's advice is to put down the electric toothbrush } and the wombat and get writing. } } You owe the oracle a Manhattan Phone Directory, any book by L Ron } Hubbard, and a (working) Ethernet card for a PC. --- 241-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: sci34hub!eng3!eng3!felton@uunet.UU.NET The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O most powerful and festive Oracle! > > Christmas is coming, the goose is getting fat, and I need ideas for > Christmas presents!! O Mighty Oracle, whose knowledge reaches far > beyond any gift ideas I could possibly conjure up...I beg of you, can > you tell me what to get my three closest friends for Christmas? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } A lot of men have been writing to the Oracle asking how they can get } the Christmas presents they really want. Maybe you can help them. } The number one choice of the sort of computer geek who writes to the } Oracle is, not surprisngly, a woman. The usual preference is for a } small brunette, but some writers have asked for big buxom blondes. } } So why not make your friends really happy this holiday season? Get } three attractive young ladies with good senses of humor and pack them } carefully in large cardboard boxes marked "Perishable: oppen } immediately" and have them delivered (one to each) to your friends. } There's no thrill quite like opening a large cardboard box and finding a } real live woman inside, and it sure beats the shit out of a box of } oranges or one of those sausage-and-cheese-packed-in-plastic-grass } monstrosities. } } You owe the Oracle...well, make that _four_ women and _four_ boxes and } the Oracle would like a small brunette with long hair, please. --- 241-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What's the difference between a chicken? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } } } } <** Parse Error **> } <** Switching to Second Order Parser **> } } } <** Parse Error **> } <** Switching to Third Order Parser **> } } } } } } Stopped. } } } } : Congratulations! Your question was the One Hundredth question } : directly relating to Zen. You win the following items: } : } : A small poodle } : The Left Hand of Elbereth } : The Answer } : A case of turtle wax } : and A year's supply of Rice-a-roni, the San Francisco treat! } : } : May all your questions be answered, and may the Goddess put twinkles } : in your eyes. } } Well, there you go! Good job there, asking the one hundredth Zen } question. Keep it up! } } You owe the Oracle a question above the level of concept. --- 241-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christopher Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why do You pass me by, madly dodging my clawed hand? Do the > blackened nails give You reason to fear? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Why shouldn't I pass you by? You haven't done anything good for me } lately! All I ever get, all day long, are questions, questions, } questions! As a matter of fact, and just between you and me, I'm sick } of it all! I'll tell you what... why don't you take over my job for a } while, and I'll take yours! Hmm... I wonder what would happen... } } [Obnoxious dissolving sequence...] } ------------------------------------------------------------------------ } The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. } Your question was: } } > I'm depressed. I can't even smile any more. I'm dull, depressing } > company so I have few friends. I spend all my spare time fantasizing } > about being loved by the pretty women I know (and some of them are } > real lovelies), but I don't get anybody. How can I become happy? } } And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } } } Piece of cake, mortal. You can have all that you want, and more. } } (Hmm Hmm Hmm... Like taking candy from a baby.) Just drop me a line } } at my special new address for just this problem: } } lucifer@abyss.underworld.hades.hell, and I'll send you a copy of my } } special once-in-a-lifetime contract, which you can sign and fax back } } to me. Just to give you a taste of what this entails, I think life } } will be looking up of you very soon... } } You owe Mephist... er... the Oracle on signature, of your full name, } in pen. } } [Cut to hell...] } } Next! Come on folks! It's hot in here, and I don't have all day! } } Ugh... Next! Ugh... } } Yeah, well, I went fourth in sin with my wife's sister and prayed to } another god... so what happens to me now? } } Well, I'll tell you what... Umm... How about this. Are you sorry? } } Uh, yes? Well, yeah, dammit! } } Okay. Then just do 50 situps and get on the train to heaven -- the } station is two blocks down on the right. Next! } } Ugh... That's it, boss! } } Then I am out of here! And it's a good thing, too. Well, it's been a } blast, but I need to get back to air conditioning and ice cream cones! } } [Cut back to iuvax.cs.indiana.edu...] } } Hello? What's this? Hmm... } } DIAL: IUVAX } Login: ORACLE } Password: } } You have 2 new mail messages. } } $mail } You have 2 new mail messages. } MAIL> read } } From: IN%"god@pearlygates.heaven" } To: ORACLE@IUVAX.CS.INDIANA.EDU } CC: } Subj: WHAT'S GOING ON??? } } HEY! WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING! I'VE GOT A GENTLEMAN UP HERE WHO } BLEW HIS BRAINS OUT BECAUSE *YOU* TOLD HIM TO "DROP YOU A LINE" AT } LUCIFER@ABYSS.UNDERWORLD.HADES.HELL! THAT'S NOT A SOLUTION! YOU HAD } BETTER NOT LET THIS HAPPEN AGAIN, OR I'LL REVOKE YOUR OMNISCIENCE! } } MAIL> read } } From: IN%"god@pearlygates.heaven" } To: ORACLE@IUVAX.CS.INDIANA.EDU } CC: } Subj: NOW YOU'VE DONE IT! } } NOW THERE'S A GUY UP HERE WHO SHOULD BE BURNING FOR ALL ETERNITY DOWN IN } HELL! DAMN YOU! FORTUNATELY, I WAS ABLE TO SEND HIM BACK, BUT I WANT } TO KNOW... } } WHAT DID YOU DO?!? TRADE JOBS WITH THE DEVIL!?! NEXT TIME YOU THINK OF } DOING SOMETHING LIKE THIS, RECONSIDER IT!!! } } MAIL> exit } $ lo } DISCONNECT } } Oops! } ------------------------------------------------------------------------ } } YIPES! } Umm... Sir, please just stay away from me in the future... O.K.? } } You owe the Oracle... er... well... forget that I even thought about it. --- 241-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christopher Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Please be a lovely young woman and fall in love with me. If you're just > another computer geek like me, I shall go mad. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Sigh... another fool who doesn't know the meaning of the word } 'question'. The Oracle shall give you a hint. They usually end with } '?'. } } Oh, well. I'm feeling generous today. I'll grant you the favor. Let's } see here Ah yes! "Zarquon's Mystic Rites of Strange } Attractors: Application to Chaos and Emotional Geeks" } We'll need the following items: 1 computer geek, cheeks pale from lack } of sunlight, live yogurt culture living in hair; 1 omnipotent being; 1 } athame (you can borrow one of mine); and, the rest is basic. All right. } } Are you sitting comfortably in front of your computer? Take the athame, } and (*oh yuck*) cut off one of your toes and place it on your head. } Now, chant after me... } } "Her eyes were cold and harsh" } "Which made them hard to chew" } "Aduentas Cthulu" } "Om mane patme om" } "LISA!" } "Hagg-thal-map-th'gul-replet-wrin." } } <* poof *> } } Oh, dear. You must have pronouced that last word wrong. That isn't } Lisa, it's Lisa evil computer geek sister! Ah, I'm sure you'll spend } many a happy hour in front of your terminals, chatting about ... } whatever it is your sort chat about. Oh? What's that? Another favor? } Well, I'll try, but arranging emergency bookings at the Sirius State } Mental Hospital is very difficult. } } You owe the Oracle a small packet of peanuts, and a spell to get rid of } Lisa's sister. --- 241-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Help! We've got a madman loose on the Engineering campus. He has > somehow found a way to transform men into women (have you, Oracle, been > telling him how?)), and geek after geek has changed into a pretty girl. > The change takes about a week, and some of my friends have become really > hot babes -- physically. The trouble is that the change is only > physical. If they started thinking and feeling and acting like women, > too, it wouldn't be so bad, but they're all still themselves apart from > their new looks. Hence they're all lesbians. Now I've gotten an > anonymous note telling me that I'm one of the next batch to be changed. > How do we stop this madman, and what do we do about all the guys who are > now gals? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, I've heard of this manical disease before. If you really feel as } this incarnation does, you will gather a band of the most virile, manly } men you can find (so that the huge amounts of testosterone coursing } through their viens will counter-act the madman's spell), and torture } the bastard into giving you his secret, and telling you how to modify it } to change the babes' inner characteristics as well as their sexual } features. Then, you use this secret to change all of the lesbian babes } into hot, willing chicks -- inside and out! Therefore, they will be } eternally grateful to you, and you won't have to look to hard to find a } girlfriend. So, even though there will be a larger female to male ratio } at the Engineering campus (which would be a very good thing), and these } babes will know everything there is to know about computers and the } like, life won't be boring anymore, and you'll have gained a reputation } as "The man who saved our campus." A building will be named after you, } you will become rich and famous, they will eventually change the name of } the school to yours, and you will be living life as it was meant to be } lived -- in the lap of luxury, so to speak. } } You owe the Oracle a large percentage of your fortune, and one babe from } the Engineering campus (once you have fully converted them). Oh, and } lots of sexual toys (for experimental purposes only, really). --- 241-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Russell S Porter The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great Oracle, the wisest of all, he who nothing is hidden from him, > where can the fish be? I looked behind the sofa. I looked up the nose. > Where is the fish? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Where is the fish? Well, remember yesterday when you were going to stay } up late to study for finals? You were going to feed the fish, then take } a half-dozen or so NoDoz and white crosses to stay awake? Well pal, you } blew it. You were so hungover from the day before that you dropped the } uppers in the fishtank and you ate a dozen fish food pellets. The fish } got so pumped up and hyper that he jumped out of the tank and onto the } floor. His incessant flopping around attracted the attention of that } large rat that's been hiding behind the stove. The rat gnawed away at } the fish and began to squeak in pleasure at his good fortune. This in } turn attracted the attention of your cat (which you forgot to feed } altogether), and in his state of hunger proceeded to eat the rat. When } you realized the fish was gone and started looking, this alarmed the cat } (fearing retribution for the rat-killing) who ran outside to hide. The } cat was then chased away by the your roommate's dog, and after several } blocks was forced to take refuge in a storeroom of an Asian take-out } restaurant. The owner, quite pleased at discovering the new delivery, } promptly turned your previously prized furball into Szechwan Surprise. } And guess what you had for dinner last night... come on, you remember. } Yep, sure enough. Just before you passed out. And when your girlfriend } came by to see you, and tried to revive you, you woke up just long } enough to barf in her backpack. To make a long story short, what's left } of your fish now permeates the pages of her graduate thesis. But I have } a feeling you won't be seeing it (or her for that matter) for quite some } time to come. } } You owe the Oracle a pair of Red Oscars and a Peking Duck. --- 241-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: bjb@hubcap.clemson.edu (BJ Backitis) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What are the seven common smells known to man? I mean, I know dog food > is one of them, but what about the others? Should I dedicate my life to > this pursuit? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You have embarked on a magnificent quest! Finding and } experiencing the seven common smells is a rewarding and } educational experience, and one that you will not soon forget. } } You are correct in that dog food is one...indeed, it is the } first one. } } The second one is ethyl mercaptan, the odorant added to natural } gas. You should experience this one as soon as possible, so that } you will recognize the dangers of gas immediately, and can guard } against them. The usual cautions about matches and exposure } limits apply, of course. } } The third is the unique odor of vomit after drinking a fifth of } tequila. After this, you will never overindulge (or, for that } matter, indulge) in tequila again. Don't eat the worm. } } Fourth on the list is pure ammonia. Experiencing this smell will } show you just how it has earned its unrivaled reputation as a } cleaning solvent. It will certainly clean out your sinuses. } } Number five is the fragrance of diesel exhaust. This is the odor } that makes the world work. Like number two, do not overindulge } in this odor. } } Sixth is the smell of a burnt resistor. This smell is } educational as well, for it will enable you to immediately } detect when you've let the magic smoke out of any piece of } electronic equipment. } } Finally, but certainly not least, is the odor of the mingled } body fluids of two consenting adults. You may be tempted to } create this one directly, but be forewarned: dangers lie down } this road. Best check out your partner first. } } You may well wind up dedicating the remainder of your life to } this quest, especially if you do not heed my Oracular advice } about the dangers of some of the odors. If you're careful, } though, you will live many happy, enlightened years after your } quest is done. } } You owe the Oracle sealed vials of each odor. --- 241-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: well!well!ewhac@apple.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Tippity, tippity, tippity, top. > I know a command to make UNIX stop, > It's really quite simple - type it with me, > /-E-T-C-/-R-E-B-O-O-T > -- Connection closed -- And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle just hits the power switch, or yanks out the plug. } Don't even need root privilege for that, man.