From kinzler Fri Jan 18 13:33:46 1991 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Fri, 18 Jan 91 13:15:44 -0500 From: Steve Kinzler To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #252 Reply-To: oracle-vote === 252 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #252 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Fri, 18 Jan 91 13:15:44 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg: 200 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 247 9 votes 12510 12411 23310 10134 13122 02223 00270 22410 13221 23301 247 3.0 mean 2.7 2.9 2.3 4.0 3.1 3.7 3.8 2.4 2.9 2.4 --- 252-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O gracious, kind, noble Oracle who has much better things to do than > answer questions of stupid mortals, please could you tell me why on > earth a blue light-bulb doesn't shed nearly as much blue light as red > light-bulbs shed red light? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You are right.... I do have much better things to do than answer stupid } questions from stupid mortals. However, as penance for sins I'm } planning on committing in the future, I've been given this very same } task... to answer stupid questions for stupid mortals. } } And now, stupid mortal, an answer for your stupid question. } } As we all know, light is made up of feeton, fiton, and foeton particles } (no fumtons, I'm afraid). Thee fee-, fi-, and foe-tons usually battle } it out to determine what particular hue the light will have. Mostly, } the foe-tons win out and the color is white, possibly going more towards } a yellow or greenish tint depending on how difficult the fee- and } fi-tons have made it. When the feetons win out, we get a more reddish } tint, due to the more exaggerated and totally bewildering sexual energy } given off by feetons. Hence the origin of the term "red light } district", which came about when light sources heavy with feetons were } installed near houses of sexual favors, in hopes that some of the energy } would be imparted upon the customers. } } When the fitons win, however, the light changes to a bluish tinge, if } not a downright dark blue color. This is due to the generally chaste } and pious outlook held by the fitons. From this, of course, came the } inspiration for the phrase "my blue Heaven"... it also is the origin of } most "blues" music, which generally has something to do with how a } person high in feeton energy feels after a person with high fiton energy } has informed them there will be no hanky-panky going on in the back seat } of the car. } } Now, as an exercise left to the stupid mortals... which do YOU think } would give off more energy? Feetons or Fitons?? I think we can all } deduce that answer. } } Ah, well, maybe not. } } Feetons have much more energy, so the reddish light is much stronger. } Fiton particles have much less energy, so not only is bluish light less } intense, but high degrees of exposure to blue light (or, to be more } precise, fitons) will tend to make the person sluggish, pious, and } downright boring. } } You owe the Oracle a case of GE Red Light bulbs (halogens, please). --- 252-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Great Oracle: My cat is posessed. She runs around a lot. She attacks > the stairs, which I am sure did little (is anything) to provoke her. > She will not play with the sock-toy we made her, but instead bites me. > > Is there any cure for cats? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Sure, Kevin, there's a cure for cats. Dogs! Lots of big, hungry, } mean pit-bulls! Bwah-ha-ha-ha-hah! } } No, but seriously. There's little that the Oracle can add to the } wisdom already in print about cats. Basically, your cat is exhibiting } normal behavior for the species. Here's what would happen if you } brought dear Fluffy to the Speedy Cat Tune-Up conveniently located } near you ... } } Melvin: [Reading from list] "Running around a lot?" } Dave: [Observes for a few seconds] "Check. Right up } to the factory specs." } Melvin: "Attacking things that did not provoke her?" } Dave: "Check." } Melvin: "Will not play with what we try to get her to?" } Dave: "Check." } Melvin: "Bites?" } Dave: [Ponders] "Check, but maybe just a bit too playfully." } Melvin: "OK, we'll let that go for now. Flag it for Kevin } to keep an eye on; might need to adjust those jaw hinges } one of these days soon. Let's see, comes when you call her?" } Dave: [Calls] "Didn't move a whisker. Check." } Melvin: "Good. Tinkling on the carpet when your back is turned?" } Dave: [Turns around, then back] "Nope. Nothing I can see." } Melvin: "Here, let me have a look. Uh oh, yep, that could be bad. } Let's give Fluffy a saucer of black coffee and repeat the test } in a few minutes. You want my guess, that entire urinary tract } is gonna need re-coring. Call up the Humane Society and see } if they have any rebuilt ones, will ya." } } And so forth. } } You owe the Oracle a flea collar. --- 252-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > DEAR MR. ORACLE, > > ACCORDING TO OUR RECORDS YOU HAVE NOT PAID YOUR BILL FOR THE CBS VIDEO > CLUB MEMBERSHIP YOU ENROLLED IN IN JANUARY 1990. WE ARE AWAITING > RECIEPT OF YOUR CHECK FOR $9,127.23 FOR SELECTIONS PREVIOUSLY SHIPPED. > IF WE DO NOT RECEIVE PAYMENT BEFORE 1/30/91 WE WILL TURN YOUR ACCOUNT > OVER TO OUR COLLECTION AGENCY. > > SINCERELY YOURS, > > JOHN JACOBSON > CREDIT MANAGER > > *FINAL NOTICE* And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } +---------------------------------------------------------------+ } | Thank you, MR JOHN JACOBSON, for your subscription to the | } | Usenet Oracularities-of-the-Month club! You will soon be | } | receiving your first edition of the Oracularities in the | } | mail. You will be billed for them whether you want them | } | or not. If you wish to cancel your membership at any time, | } | just mail uuencoded, ridiculously large and pornographic | } | GIF files to sysadmin@nsc.nsf.net (with cc: oracle). You | } | may make payments on your account by Visa, MasterCard, or | } | American Express; please include your card number and the | } | expiration date in your postings. And welcome again to the | } | elite readership of the Usenet Oracularities! | } +---------------------------------------------------------------+ } / PLEASE MARK YOUR SELECTION CLEARLY WITH AN 'X' | Place | } | [X] Send my selection of the month IMMEDIATELY! | stamp | } | [X] In addition to my selection, also send: | here | } | [X] Instead of my selection, please send: +-------| } | [X] No selection, just send my bill as always | } | | } | Your selection of the month is: | } | "Kinzler Returns -- Votes are Back" | } | | } +---------------------------------------------------------------+ } } You owe the Oracle $9127.23 and a complementary copy of "Wild Orchid". --- 252-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Alan Marc Gallatin The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why does this coffee taste so funny? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Rat poison often tastes funny. Do you know who you're sitting by right } now? Do you REALLY? Have you checked the door lately? Is the closet } in your bedroom open (maybe it never closed all the way). Look out the } window. Go ahead. Right now. } } Think about your coffee. Or maybe it's not really coffee. } There's a lot of brown liquid in this world. } } mcw102@psuvm.psu.edu --- 252-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why are women low-lifed, egotistical, backstabbing, flag-burning, back > arching, non-rented movie rewinding, nouveau riche scorning, ball > crushing, Juice Newton listening, manicurist funding, spineless bowls of > monkey sluts? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Sheesh. One woman turns you down when you ask for some head, and } you go ballistic. Right now, she's probably wondering why you } (not all men, just *you*) are such a high-hatted, insecure-egoed, } belittling, flag-fetishing, belly-aching, porno-movie-renting, } nouveau middle class, testicle-centered, Metallica listening, } prostitute funding, aggressive pile of donkey fazoo. And I don't } blame her for a minute. } } You owe the Oracle a really good time, if S/He again appears to } you in the guise of a woman in the near future. Get my drift? --- 252-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Alan Marc Gallatin The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Where is that confounded fellow? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, this is a sticky bit you've gotten yourself into now isn't it. } Well let's see if the Good Ole Oracle can help you out a bit. To find } him you must follow these specific directions: } } 1) Go to your room. You know, that place that the school was nice } enough to rent to you for close to four times the actual cost of a } similar room on the open market. The place your parents expect to find } you when you visit. The one with the bed. Yeah that's it. Go there. } } 2) Stand in the northeastern-most corner of the room. Right next to the } fern. } } 3) Take three giant steps south and then two little baby steps north. } } 4) Knock the heels of your shoes together three times and say "There's } no place like home." Over and over again. } } 5) Remove all of your clothing. } } 6) Run screaming out of your room and across the Quad. Stand on the } quad yelling at the top of your lungs "Canned cling peaches are the } latest communist plot to overthrow the world." After doing this, burn an } American flag over your head. } } 7) By now, every person in the tri-state area will have arrived. Look } them all over carefully, the fellow you are looking for is one of them. } } 8) Send the oracle that piece of fruitcake that he has that you were } looking for. Don't worry about disappointing your girlfriend, she's } dumped you by now. } } You owe the Oracle one piece of fruitcake, extra hardened. --- 252-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: bjb@hubcap.clemson.edu (BJ Backitis) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most lox-flavoured Oracle, > > I am working on a little folk song for the upcoming war, and > need your divine guidance. I am torn between two possibilities > for the final line of the second verse. I realize that the song > praises Bob, which you might consider to be a false God, and because > of this, I will be willing to pay extra for your advice. > > Here is the verse. It is sung to the tune of "Oh, Susannah". > > (The number in the score represent the denomonation of the note... > 16 = sixteenth note, 8 = eighth note, etc. -- the "b" at the left > does NOT stand for "Bob"; it is, in fact, a flat, indicating that > this is in the key of F. And now, on with the educational fun.) > _ > | \ > ----+--|------------+------------------------------------------------+ > | / | | > ----+/--------------+---------------------8--------------------------+ > | | 8 8 8 | > ---/+----b----------+------------------------------------------------+ > / |_ | 8 8 | > -|--+-\---------16--+---------------------------------------------8--+ > \_|_/ 16 | 8 | > ----+---------------+------------------------------------------------+ > | > Whe-re Al- lah could not help my foes there > _ > | \ > ----+--|-------------------------------------------------------------+ > | / | > ----+/---------------------------------------------------------------+ > | | > ---/+----b-----------------------------------------------------------+ > / |_ 8 8 | > -|--+-\-------------------8-----------4.--------------------------16-+ > \_|_/ 8 16 | > ----+----------------------------------------------------------------+ > | > Bob's love helped our men. We were > _ > | \ > ----+--|-------------------------------------------------------------+ > | / | > ----+/--------------------------8------------------------------------+ > | 8 8 8 | > ---/+----b-----------------------------------------------------------+ > / |_ 8 8 | > -|--+-\-------------------------------------------------8------------+ > \_|_/ 8 | > ----+----------------------------------------------------------------+ > | > all en- cased in gel- a- tin and > _ > | \ > ----+--|-------------------------------------------------------------+ > | / | > ----+/---------------------------------------------------------------+ > | | > ---/+----b-----------------------------------------------------------+ > / |_ 8 8 | > -|--+-\-------------------8-----8------------------------------------+ > \_|_/ 2 | > ----+----------------------------------------------------------------+ > | > Sold to I B M. > > And the alternate ending is: > _ > | \ > ----+--|-------------------------------------------------------------+ > | / | > ----+/---------------------------------------------------------------+ > | | > ---/+----b-----------------------------------------------------------+ > / |_ 8 8 | > -|--+-\-------------------32-32-32-32-32-32-32-32--------------------+ > \_|_/ 2 | > ----+----------------------------------------------------------------+ > | > Sold to International Business Ma- chines. > > Most maleable Oracle, which is the better ending? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } My, but SOMEONE has food on their mind -- loxlike, maleable gelatin hmm? } Well I'm glad you're taking the war seriously enough to compose tunes } for morale of the leaders of our armed forces. I think it would be } better if you used the alternate ending though. I mean, sure, it } doesn't scan as well as the first one, but it DOES make people think IBM } refers to our friendly neighborhood corporate bully, Big Blue, and not } the real meaning: the Iraqi Battle Ministry. As General Powell says, } it's too early to be giving tactics away, and a lot of military } think-tank people would get annoyed if you gave away their clever Trojan } Man-Sized-Jello-Cough-Drops plan prematurely. } } Since you're a patriot, the Oracle will not require any payment from you } except the times and places where this little ditty is going to be } aired, so I know, err, when NOT to be sick or predisposed, yeah, so I } can DEFINITELY hear it, yeah. --- 252-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Alan Marc Gallatin The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > When you see RED when you use Novell products, is it because you're > angry? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No. (The Oracle is unsure whether or not he should answer your question } because you were not sufficiently self-deprecating and flattering in } your question, and because Lisa is nibbling on his ear.) The reason you } see red could be any one (or more) of several reasons: } } a) You're holding your eye right up against the red LED on the } blinkenlights box. This could explain a lot, including your } squint. } } b) Your rose-colored glasses, which you had to wear when installing } and running this novel stuff in order to actually be convinced } that in a million years, under the optimum circumstances, it would } actually work. } } c) Your eyelids are closed, because you don't want to see what } actually happens when you plug in that plug. } } MSG FROM BATCH: Lisa needs attention. } } d) Roxanne has put on the red light. } } WNG FROM BATCH: Lisa needs attention. Report to bedroom immediately. } } e) Red happens to be your favorite color. } } f) There is something wrong with the software that eats up } characters, and this message is meant to be "READY" but the } software can't trasmit charctrs acros a netwk worth a dam. } } MSG FROM LISA: Hey you! stop making things up and get in here! This } } MSG FROM LISA: leather stuff is sweaty! } } g) ummm.. err... excuse me. } } You owe the oracle a token ring connector for his galactic TRS-80. --- 252-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > General failure error reading COM1: > Abort, Retry, Fail? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You're using Mess-DOS? } } } } Fail, definitely. The Oracle is against abortion. --- 252-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, > Who? What? Where? When? Why? How? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You want my life story? You, sure? It's not pretty... } } What's This? } } Yesterday, I went into a bar, a normal bar - a bisexual bar. You know, } two sextions - restaurant and bar. The bartender turned to me and said, } "So how many Mongolian Cluster Priests does it take to screw in a } lightbulb?" } } I freaked. } } It was so nostalgic. } } And so I ignored the question and reminissed of the old days. The days } before combustable slinkies and legos the size of Yugos. The days where } roosters cock-a-doodle-dooed at dusk and drank blended lasagna all day } and man used to land on the moon every few years and Antartica had the } penguins (the puffins where in Tasmania) and "table for two" meant "your } mother smells of mothballs" and velcro wasn't everywhere you sat and } that bitch I live with didn't pretend that half my face wasn't blown } away in a freak gardening accident three years ago. } } Weed-Eaters suck. } } So does Rice-A-Roni. } } That's all I can eat right now. After the accident, the only item that } can fit between my lips is rice. I used to be able to eat all the } spinach I wanted. I hate spinach. Only rice can be inside now. That } and my tongue. } } That bitch's tongue can't go into my mouth anymore, either. } } Among other things. } } So why is she still around? Because she's a low-lifed, egotistical, } backstabbing, flag-burning, ball crushing, beggar bludgeoning, } non-rented movie rewinding, nouveau riche scorning, Alan Parsons Project } listening, manicurist funding, water running, internal heating, } grumbling, rambling, spineless, Machiavellian bowl of monkey sluts. } } Enough for now. } } I must go and put lip balm where half my head used to be. } } Yea, we used to get along real will. Like yogurt and } fruit-on-the-bottom. Now she likes to connect the dots between exposed } folds of my brain. We just can't communicate any longer. She doesn't } want to listen anymore. I mean just because I no longer have a face or } a mouth to speak of is absolutely no reason for this. } } You get my drift? } } Bring it back, I'll try to have it stitched back on.