From kinzler Mon Jan 21 18:32:39 1991 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Mon, 21 Jan 91 18:22:52 -0500 From: Steve Kinzler To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #253 Reply-To: oracle-vote === 253 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #253 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Mon, 21 Jan 91 18:22:52 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg: 200 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 248 19 votes 26650 22663 14833 00595 15a21 05365 13834 33364 03871 33652 248 3.3 mean 2.7 3.3 3.2 4.0 2.8 3.6 3.3 3.3 3.3 3.0 --- 253-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christopher Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I just woke up from a long winter's nap. Who is Saddam? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } SADDAM is not a who, but rather a what. Don't be concerned: Most } Americans have made the same mistake, and assumed that SADDAM is the } name of the individual who currently rules Iraq. This is false. } } SADDAM is Students Against Drunk Driving At Mothers, a public service } organization which is working to stem the recent tide of violence } directed at mothers by their drunken offspring. SADDAM has existed for } several years, during which time it had been quietly lobbying for new } penalties for Vehicular Matricide with Under the Influence of Alcohol, } for increased funding for counselling services like MMA (Mother Mashers } Anonymous), and for an international treaty to ban above-ground testing } of mother-targets weaponry like that developed by General Dynamics, the } M622 Mom Bomb. Their activities had met with little success and had } attracted little publicity. } } In early August, SADDAM leaders, enraged by the continuing slaughter of } mamas across the world, took decisive action to bring their cause into } the world spotlight. Acting under cover of darkness, they removed all } their clothing, and invaded Kuwait, ousting the ruling royal family, and } declared that Kuwait would forever be their dormitory. World leaders } were outraged, and refused to accept this "naked aggression." Hundreds } of thousands of troops from countries throughout the world were gathered } in northern Saudi Arabia to force SADDAM to withdraw from Kuwait. } } Over the following weeks, tensions grew in the Persian Gulf, as repeated } efforts to settle the dispute through diplomatic channels failed to } shake the determined SADDAM leadership. A deadline of 15 January was } set for SADDAM to relinquish control of Kuwait, and to return to their } universities in time for final exams. The deadline was ignored. } Finally, his patience exhausted, President Bush ordered the ultimate } assault on the SADDAM stronghold: He closed the student union, raised } the drinking age to 25, banned all fraternities, and enforced single-sex } dormitory rules on all campuses. Shaken, SADDAM surrendered } unconditionally, whereupon all members were taken to the dean's office } and shot. } } You owe the Oracle one operational F14-E bomber. --- 253-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: arf@mentor.cc.purdue.edu (The Nefarious Scotto) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What are you gonna do about it? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Shoot it with a sawed-off shotgun. Kick it in the shins. } Bake it in an oven, then stick it full of pins. } Whack it with a tire iron, stab it with a knife, } Take it home and dress it up and give it to my wife. } Strangle and destroy it with a million evil spells, } Stick it in a sewage plant until it stinks and smells. } Thump it with a hammer, cut it with a saw } Take it in to court with all the full force of the law. } Coat it up with mayonnaise and feed it to the swine, } Blow it up with dynamite and nitroglycerine. } Dip its tip in acid, I guess hydrochlor will do, } Cut it up in bitty bits and make it into stew. } Shock it with a cattle prod, freeze it in the snow, } Make sure that it's cursed by God, and nuke it 'til it glow. } Fan it with a blowtorch, roast it on a spit -- } Then give up and apologize for all the stuff I've done to it. } } You owe the Oracle a new penis. The old one is kind of demolished. --- 253-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: bjb@hubcap.clemson.edu (BJ Backitis) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I've been waiting for my print to make it thru the laser printer queue. > Should I go have lunch, or wait? Note: I'm #387 in the queue. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You know, the Oracle has always been a great fan of Disneyland. We } first went there for the "reception" in conjunction with the West Coast } DECUS Symposium several years ago. We like it so much that Disneyland } is the real reason we've been working our way up to SIG chair. All that } stuff about information sharing and making technical contacts is a lot } of hooey. } } One of the best things about Disneyland is that the lines are more than } just lines -- in some cases they're as entertaining as the rides } themselves. The best one is Star Tours, which is a full motion } simulator based on the Lucas hit. The ride itself is great, but the } show begins in the line about 15 minutes before you get to the ride! } While you're still way back in the line you go through this waiting area } that looks like an airport lounge. You hear advertisments for resort } travel to Hoth, the Ice Planet, the Forest Moon of Endor, and other } galactic hotspots. You also hear announcements asking people to meet } their 'droids at a particular gate, or to move their landspeeder, or } that a departure has been delayed. } } Once you get through that, you see what looks for all the world like } FlightService Droids getting the shuttles ready, and at one point going } on strike for better working conditions. } } Finally, outside the simulator you see a "real time video" of a ship } being readied for passenger loading and launch. } } The point is, the whole "line" is an entertainment experience in itself, } not just a simple queue. } } So the thing to do is to head off and get a carryout lunch. (I'd } recommend you call out for pizza delivery, but they're all busy } delivering to the Pentagon. There's a war on, you know.) Take the } lunch down to the laser printer room, set yourself up in a corner, and } just watch people come in, stomping and swearing, complaining about the } other 380-odd people in front of them, and how everybody is too damn } dumb to print stuff out overnight, and they need their stuff right away, } and why don't those system managers do something about this problem. } } It's an entertainment experience all its own. When it's inevitable, } just lay back and enjoy it. } } You owe the Oracle a pair of Mickey Mouse slippers. } And Darlene's sweater. --- 253-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: arf@mentor.cc.purdue.edu (The Nefarious Scotto) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I had a horrible nightmare. I was watching TV and President Bush was > giving a news conference, and he pulled off his disguise and revealed > himself to be Dan Quayle!. And nobody seemed to care, not even my > girlfriend who was watching TV with me. After the news conference, > Connie Chung was on, and she pulled off her disguise and revealed > herself as Dan Quayle as well! And I switch channels on the TV, and > every news announcer had either already become Quayle or took off a > disguise to reveal Quayle as I watched! My girlfriend didn't seem to > care. I asked her why she didn't, and she started to peel off her > disguise -- and I woke up screaming. > > It's just a stupid dream, isn't it? There's nothing prophetic about it > or anything like that, is there? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You poor fellow! What a horrid dream! Of course it was just a dream. } There is only one J. Danforth Quayle, and of course cloning is } impossible, and even if it weren't, how could you disguise a tallish guy } like Quayle as a shortish woman like Connie Chung or your girlfriend? } So you see, it's impossible that people are being replaced by disguised } clones of Mr. Quayle just waiting to peel off their masks. Nonsense. } } } } So don't let that dumb dream upset you. After all, what a waste it is } to lose one's mind. Or, not having a mind is very wasteful. --- 253-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Alan Marc Gallatin The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I have some spare time on my hands. > > What can I do here at my keyboard to help out in this Gulf Crisis? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Unfortunately, the best answer is highly classified (and very } dangerous). I have to protect my security clearance. However, I will } tell you about one thing that everybody can do to help. } } 1. Break into the computer for a large bank. Bank computers are easy } to crack if you have patience and nerve. } } 2. Steal a very large amount of money. $10,000,000 should be enough. } More would be preferable. } } 3. Mail the money to me. A check will probably work, but gold } would be better. I will send you my address later. } } I will contribute at least 40% of the money to "our boys and girls in } the gulf." No, make that an even 50%. Generosity is my calling card. } I'm sure the armed forces will make good use of the money in } destroying that nest of evildoers in Iraq. For $5,000,000 they could } afford to buy a shiny new bomb or maybe even a toilet seat. } } You don't owe the Oracle anything, this one was on me. --- 253-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wise Oracle, I keep confusing peccariess with pessaries. Could this be > troublesome or dangerous, and if so, how can I prevent the confusion? > Thanks. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No problem. The latter is someone who generally anticipates the worst } (see antonym 'optimist'); the former is modern American slang for male } genitalia. Certainly you can imagine how dangerous your } misunderstanding could be! } } I would imagine that at this point, you're so confused, you don't know } where to point your peccaries. --- 253-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I heard that they are carpet bombing Iraq. Is it shag carpet or that > cheap hard stuff they use in schools? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You have obviously misheard. They are not "carpet" bombing, they are } "car pet" bombing. To be more precise, they are taking all the animals } left in cars in shopping mall parking lots, loading them into crates, } and dropping the crates over Iraq. This is, obviously, the origin of } the phrase "raining cats and dogs". } You owe the Oracle a large donation, in My name, to the ASPCA, and } wall-to-wall shag for the office. --- 253-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: The Great Squid The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh enigmatic one, > > I find myself in a truly desperate situation. Workmates have been > hijacked by aliens and replaced with exact replicas. The only clue to > this insidious infiltration is that these replacements seem to be > unfamilar with numerous earth customs. For example, when a few of us > gather around the coffee machine I'll make an off the wall statement > like: > > "You know, we're having a little get-together for mary on behalf > of her completing her monthly cycle. Can you recommend a > platypus? It would be best if it could bring its own gear." > > If their response is something like: > > "Uhhhhh, yeah. Well, uhhhhh, let me check with my wife and get > back to you. Own gear huh? Okay, got it. Let me check into > it." > > Then I know. ALIEN. Absolutely. I'll then wait for them in the > parking lot and crack 'em over the cranium with a baseball bat then > throw them in my trunk. I've got about 23 of them tied up in my shed at > the moment, but I think the influx of these extraterrestrials are > increasing. I'm trying to recruit more earthlings in my quest to save > the world, but they are becoming harder to find. I almost recruited > one, but when I brought him to the shed, he freaked out and tried to > release them. It was pretty clear. ALIEN. It's even getting hard for > ME to tell them apart. > > My question is 2-fold: > > 1) Will I prevail against these alien scum? > > 2) Are there any dangers in having sex with restrained alien women? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I think there is more danger in them having sex with you. You will } probably have them bring their platypus, tie her up, and stick her in } the shed, and then have sex with her and the other 23. The Oracle } thinks you are disgusting. } } And what about all those platypuses? Do you tie THEM up, too, or do } you take them to the movies? Maybe you ought to try having sex with a } restrained platypus before you try it with a restrained alien woman. } Platypuses are much smaller than alien women, are easier to restrain, } take up less space, and need less food. --- 253-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: sci34hub!eng3!eng3!felton@uunet.UU.NET The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > But what have *I* got to do woth this ??? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle has spent an immeasurably brief period of time examining the } possible meanings of your question and has recalled the following } interesting facts in the process of so doing: } } The word "woth" has an ancient and noble history. Etymologists have } traced its origins to the Ugric, or Baltic, group of languages, where it } carried the meaning of "watermelon seed", and thus the connotation of } something insignificant. Researchers have drawn two conclusions from } this fact: since watermelons do not grow in the Baltic region, } requiring a warmer, tropical climate, that the Baltics were in the } relatively recent past a good deal warmer than they are now, and that } the Ancients did not know the value of a good watermelon seed when they } found one, which was not very often, because even if the climate was } warm, the soil was inappropriate to the cultivation of a fruit as } unlikely as the watermelon is. After all, what can you say about } something that's green on the outside, pink on the inside, weighs 4 } kilograms, is the size of a large football and is full of damned woths?! } } Entomologists, of course, use the word "woth" as a sort of bastardized, } shortened form of the noun phrase "woman moth". Everyone knows male } entomologists don't understand women, particularly women entomologists, } not surprising when you consider just how much of their time they spend } examining insects. Insect relationships are very interesting, the } Oracle grants, but try biting your partners head off and I doubt that } s/he will accept it with the equanimity of your average preying wantis. } Curiously enough, the word "woth" is also an acronym for the term } "weakly organized top-down hierarchy" used by insect-lovers to describe } some bee colonies. } } Ergonomists point out that the woth was a unit of energy used by early } thermodynamic chemists to describe the amount of heat released by a } unit keg of beer in the process of fermentation, so named because this } was first measured by Henry Wothhamstone, later to become the only man } with a double 'h' in his name ever to receive a Knighthood of the Order } of St. George the Dissolute. The "wothhamstone" was considered } inappropriate as a measure of energy, since it was already used to } measure the amount of physical force required, on average, to get up in } the morning after a particularly good party the night before, measured } by (Sir) Henry's father, the redoubtable party-goer, the Earl of } Twickenham, also named Henry Wothhamstone. } } NFS file server error: no space left on device. } } You owe the Oracle eight hours sleep (it's for a friend) and a googolbit } memory expansion. --- 253-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, mighty oracle, who has surely heard every joke in the world, what is > the funniest joke you have ever heard ? > > P.S. Don't answer this if you are Finnish. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Actually, I'm not a fish, so I don't have any fins, but the funniest } joke I've ever heard is: } } You better believe that marijuana can cause castration. Just suppose } your girlfriend gets the munchies!