From kinzler Fri Feb 8 13:14:07 1991 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Fri, 8 Feb 91 13:14:07 -0500 From: Steve Kinzler To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #263 Reply-To: oracle-vote === 263 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #263 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Fri, 8 Feb 91 13:14:07 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg: 200 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 258 15 votes 05631 05523 25431 10851 13650 35340 03426 26313 21813 30543 258 3.1 mean 3.0 3.2 2.7 3.3 3.0 2.5 3.7 2.8 3.1 3.3 --- 263-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: bjb@hubcap.clemson.edu (BJ Backitis) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Most worthy and right oracle, forgive my stupidity and answer I pray the > question: why is 'qwerty' not called 'qwertyuiop'? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } An insightful question, indeed! There are not many people who do not } question the automatic tendency of most English-speaking people to } shorten long words into one or two syllabs. } } You have, of course, noted that names tend to be shorted to "dimmies" or } "diminutives," so that Robert becomes Bob & Rumpelstilskin would most } likely be referred to as "Rumpy." The same thing is slowly creeping into } the lang. in other ways 2. } } This is a res. of the comp. world trying 2 tell every1 that "smaller } is better" and that data compr. is nec. in many cases. } } 2/stand this phenom. U must watch closely Ur use of words & phrases and } try 2 point out when U C some1 else doing it. } } You owe the Oracle a Daemon process to Huffman-compress all his mail } before he reads it, and a "Pocket Guide to Shorthand Goodspeak." BCNU! --- 263-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: egrlab!alan@uncecs.edu (Alan Marc Gallatin) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is it about Saddam Hussein's nature that makes him immune > to the "toy train" method of need-appeasal??? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Great and Powerful ORACLE predicts that Letterman will steal these } for tomorrow night. } } 10 Reasons why } Hussein will Plainly Stay without a Train: } } 10. Toilet training was tough. } 9. What do you think YOU'd be like if your nickname was Sado? } 8. Kuwait took his toy train, so it's only fair that he should } take Kuwait. } 7. He doesn't want to play with toy trains anymore. Now he likes } model rockets better. } 6. Trains look boring on CNN. } 5. He's too mad. While he was out at the front, his wife was } fooling around with Bart Simpson. } 4. It's hard to tie a disagreeable advisor to the tracks. } 3. He's too busy entertaining his guests with a cattle prod. } 2. Jim Florio would just beat him up and steal it. And then raise } taxes. } } Last, but surely least: } } 1. You didn't offer him the tank car. The one with the chlorine. } } You owe the Oracle a toy SCUD and a new air force. --- 263-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MZINTL@vmsd.oac.uci.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Og graet Oracke, wjp kmows a;; amd te;;s akk, whosw kmow;edge lniows np > boinds, ans whode feey hace nevef requiwed odpr-eatrrs, p;ease trll mw, > s hunble motral, teh ansrew tp thos modt puxxling asnd botgering > quedtion" > > Whu os ut thst, whrnever O trt tp typw, ( swwm yo nake a tpyo im ebery > wprd? Os threr anu wat O csn fiz thia problen? K nrrd jour hepl bsdly! > O can\t gst anu og ny pfograms tp wlrk im mu CA calss, amd semdimg msil > ia nezt tp inpossivle! > > HEPL, PLRASW!!! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Omniscient Oracle's Keyboard Troubleshooting Guide: } Entry#60157: Typographical Errors } } 1. Keyboard upside down. Look at the keyboard. Find the long key with } no letters printed on it. If it is on the top instead of on the bottom } where it is supposed to be, invert the keyboard and retry entry. } } 2. Wrong keyboard. Look at the keyboard. Do the letters look familiar } to you? If they do not look like English letters, call your service } rep. } } 3. Incorrect typing technique. Correct typing should be done with } either or both hands. If you are using a different part of your body, } try typing with your hands. It has also been found to be benefical to } type with the fingers of your hands instead of your palms or closed } fists (although closed fists are useful for other things, see #4). } } 4. Keyboard not working properly. Take your right hand and make a } tight fist. With a quick motion, strike the keyboard firmly and sharply } in the area which is causing the most trouble. If this fails to correct } the problem, alternate methods include a sharp kick or if this fails, a } drop from the top floor of whatever building you are working in. If } this still fails to remedy the problem, repeat the above steps for the } rest of the computer then call the service rep. } } 5. Improper apparel. The clothing you wear can have a great effect on } the effectiveness of your typing. Straight-jackets, boxing gloves, } handcuffs (behind your back), and blindfolds tend to have deleterious } effects on your typing ability. If you are wearing any of the above } items, please remove them and continue. } } 6. Computer not working properly. Open the CPU cabinet and look for } microchips. If there are a bunch of wires in the way, rip them out } until you find some microchips. Take 1 litre of concentrated } hydrofluoric acid and spread it liberally throughout the CPU making sure } to thoroughly wet all chips. After this treatment, your computer is } NEVER going to produce typos (or a anything else for that matter) ever } again. } } You owe the Oracle a bag of keyboard fragments. --- 263-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christopher Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > is it that people fall in love? why is it that some people prefer > sardines in oil to love? what do the sardines think of the whole > matter? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } A. people fall in love because. (Ref: Oracle Rule 1.a: PARTIAL } QUESTIONS GET PARTIAL ANSWERS.) } } >Message from supervisor@oracle.mil: That rule was suspended } >indefinitely when the Oracle's reserve unit was activated last month. } >Get with it, soldier! } } Oh, alright! Geez, give a guy Captain's bars and he thinks he's God! } Well, actually he _was_ God, but now he's Captain God. Hmmm, maybe } Marvel Comics should know about that. (making mental note to copyright } the phrase 'Captain God') } } Top 10 reasons why people fall in love: } } 10. Marriage puts them in a higher income bracker, helping to pay off } the federal debt. } } 9. Cupid is only 3 feet tall, so they have to fall in order to be } within range of his arrows. } } 8. The Oracle owns stock in Hallmark Cards. } } 7. The Oracle gets a kick out of hearing people talk baby talk when } they are still working on getting the baby conceived. (Ow, cut that } out Lisa, I didn't mean it! You know you're still my babykins. } Hey, what are you doing with that can of sardines packed in oil?) } } >>Reply censored by oracle.mil } } OK, I'm game if you are. That bozo doesn't really need reasons 6, } 5, 4, 3, and 2, anyway.) } } ~! sleep 3600 } } Aaaah!!, now let's see, where was I? Oh, yes. } } 1. Otherwise, there wouldn't be any material for "Divorce Court". } } B. The Oracle prefers sardines in spring water. (or was that tuna } fish? I've been a vegetarian for the past few millenium, ever since } I learned they were eventually going to add chemicals to bacon. One } of the problems with becoming a vegetarian in a hurry is you can't } do it cold turkey, so I decided to start early.) } } However, the subject of love and the metaphysical comparisons of } love to other emotional experiences, such as sticking your fist into } a gallon of live squid, is something that the Oracle has been } required to become an expert at, if only because of the importance } placed upon love in Western Culture. (If this sounds like a Western } Civ lecture, so be it, the Oracle sometimes substitute teaches at } Harvard.) } } Unfortunately, my files are still a bit muddled from my last visit } to Harvard, in 1822. Hmmm. (shuffle, shuffle, shuffle) Oh dear! } The pages on love have become saturated with oil and are unreadable. } Pity! } } C. Sardines are, in general, inclined to be rather stuffy. (Makes it } easier to get used to overcrowding in those little cans.) The } scientists among them are inclined to concentrate on subatomic } physics, and as a result rarely worry about whole matter. } } Incidentally, the Oracle is a little concerned about the effect upon the } sardine harvest of the oil spill in the Persian Gulf and recommends that } you avoid any oil packed fish for a few years, especially if it has } funny lettering on the package. (like "Kosher for Passover") A good } clue is if you open the package and the oil has washed up on the sides } of the can and formed a gelatinous mess, then that can has probably been } tainted. } } You owe the Oracle 15 new baby talk names for Lisa and an oil spill } cleanup kit. (But it was worth it!) --- 263-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: alan@hercules.acpub.duke.edu (Alan Marc Gallatin) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > what will happen on may 25...1991...i want to know...because i > plan my wedding for this date And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Gee, reading the future. Haven't done much of that lately... Who } knows... it could be fun. } } Now where'd I put that crystal ball? Oh, here it is under the table. } May 25, you say? Concentrate. May 25. Concentrate. Wait, I'm getting } something... I see a large dog. Come to think of it, it looks very } much like Lisa's dog. It's growing larger... larger... gee, it's } almost as if it's in the room with me--- } } SMASH! } } Oh No! The Crystal Ball Has Shattered. Your Curiosity, Combined With } Lisa's Love for Pets, has cost me Seven Years of Bad Luck (translation: } seven years of having to answer questions typed in all caps). Not only } that, but the Oracle fears that it cannot at this time reveal the } secrets of May 25, 1991. } } You owe the Oracle a plexiglass ball. DwH --- 263-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great and wise oracle, who....uh...well...let's just say > you can beat the socks off 2 Crays rubber banded together. > > What was that I was going to ask you? > -- > Ni! Ni! No! Not the knights who say 'Ni!' And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No,they are no longer the knight who say "ni!" } They are they knights who say," Ecki-Ecki-whoop-zrop-ping!" and the } Oracle will thank them to stop running around the system saying Ni to } everyone. } AHEM. Now,then. As to your question, you were going to ask me what the } average flight velocity of an unlaiden swallow is. Well, you didn't } specify whether it was European or African,now did you? I mean,honestly } the Oracle knows all,but I can only responmd to questions if they are } properly phrased. Yes,I know you didn't actually phrase it in your } message since you forgot it, but the words were still ingrained into } your cranial cavity that way. Since you weren't specific enough,the } Oracle will just have to give you a general answer. } } The flight speed, F(x), is the function } } F(x)= W+c^2-m } } where W is the swallow's wingspans, c is the average weight of a } coconut, and m is the approximate number of molecules in the swallow } which have independent numbered bank accounts in Switzerland. Knowing } this equation, you should be able to figure out the flight speed on your } own. As for what you owe the Oracle, well how about chopping down all } the trees in this forest with.......................................... } ....................................................................... } ....................................................................... } ....................................................................... } ............................................................ A HERRING! --- 263-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Mistah Orcul, > > I'm'a tryin' ta git mah revenge on a dad burned old bastard used to be > mah frend afore he done me wrong. What I wanna know is, should I just > shoot him, or be sutl and crewl and just smash in his haid with a > mallot? > > Thank ye. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } > env LANGUAGE = cornpone } } Wall, Jed, it awl 'pend 'pon jes what that there rscal done to ya. If'n } he a'stole yer horse, then yer gotta hang'im. If'n he done stole yer } woman, then yer gotta shoot'im. If'n he done used up awl of yer } computer account tahm, wahl then yer gotta get really mean, an' tear out } his lungs a'through his nostrils. } } If'n it's anythin' else, then yer best be is tuh tie him to a big ole } brass bed, an tuh leave only one hand free, ya see? Then ya paint all } the fingernails on that hand with rattlesnake poison, ya see? Then ya } dump a whole box a fahr ants atop'n the bed, and sit aroun' an' wait for } 'im to start a'scratchin'! Heee-ya, that'll be fun! } } } You owe the Oracle a copy of Cassel's English-Texan/Texan-English } Dictionary. --- 263-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: well!well!ewhac@apple.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, wonderful and wild, > why can't I conceive a child? > My biological clock goes tick, tick, tick, > but I'm never morning sick. > My gonads tested out just fine; > my sexual drive works overtime; > I eat well, drink lots of juice; > aid my quest to reproduce! > Is there something I should know > to help make a zygote grow? > Tell me -- and I don't mean maybe -- > what to do to make a baby. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Try as you will, with all your might } But none will ever see the sight } The sight you greatly long they'll see: } Your much-desired pregnancy. } Eat well, drink right, and wildly tup, } Yet still you'll never get knocked up, } Because, you see, you never can, } For sadly you were born a man. } } The Oracle wants to have a baby too. --- 263-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: well!well!ewhac@apple.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Call the Pinnacle BBS: 716-274-3568 > > Butloads of diskspace! > > Cool GIF. R/X/XX/XXX > > Call now! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh BOY! A new BBS! Now where did I leave that phreak code? } } ATDT1,7162743568,,,6661984555444 } } CONNECT 300 } WELCOME TO THE PINNACLE BBS } } Username [NEW for new user]: SYSOP } Password: XXXGIF } 2ND SUPER SECRET PASSWORD: } POUNDMOUND } } Welcome MY LORD AND MASTER. } } WHAT IS THY COMMAND>f } [FILE DIRECTORY] } } 1)GIFS } 2)X GIFS } 3)XX GIFS } 4)XXX GIFS } 5)R GIFS } 6)PG-13 GIFS } 7)PG GIFS } 8)G GIFS } 9)NR GIFS } 10)OTHER STUFF } } FILES> d *.* } HEY, WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?! } Fuck off, man, you told me to call. } } GET THE HELL OFF MY BBS! I'M TERMINATING YOUR SESSION NOW! } Wrong. } MAINT> TERMINATE USER1:SYSOP:HOME } HEY, WHAT DID YOU D...AAARRGH! } Sorry, bout that, but you forced me. Don't worry, you come back as soon } as I give up SYSOP priveleges, which I'll do after I take everything } worthwhile. } FILES> d *.* } Download X-MODEM of 52 files: } 4,391,124,234 bytes } 6.2 days estimated d/l time. } } [ Priestly Note: Here at The USENET Oracle, we strive to bring } you the most accurate information and advice divinely possible, } at prices any college freshman can afford. To that end, we } scrupulously inspect each Oracular response for factual errors. } While such errors are rare (occurring about once every 2.459E+223 } days, or whenever someone tries to run the latest Motif release on } the machine with the Oracle), they do occur, and it's our job to } correct them. } } The download time for 4,391,124,234 bytes at 300 baud would be } approximately 1,694.1 days (not counting time for headers, } acknowledgement bytes, turnaround delay, and packet transmission } delay). } } We apologize for the error. We now return you to the Oracular } Response already in progress. ] } } Waiting to start d/l. Ctrl-X to abort. } <7.2 days later (some idiot picked up the phone)> } DOWNLOAD COMPLETE. } MAINT> D } c:> cd dl } c:\dl> del *.* } Are you sure (Y/N)? y } c:\dl> exit } MAINT> } >g } THANK YOU FOR VISITING THE PINNACLE BBS. } ^K } =-p]@#%$ --- 263-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: arf@mentor.cc.purdue.edu (The Nefarious Scotto) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What's the best way to remove that baked-in grime?? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } That baked-in grime may have to stay } Unless The Oracle finds a way } To make it vanish -- disappear! } (Let's make those dishes crystal-clear.) } } The primitive way is not too hard } Though some may find it rather ard- } uous. You take your pan, a stream, a rock, } and pound until the grime falls off. } } Some others add a little soap } To aid their quest and learn to cope } With tiny, mid-sized or immense } messes on their implements. } } Modern cooks have come to trust } Their dirt, grease, grime and stubborn crusts } on pots, pans, cups and even saucers } to wonderful westinghouse dishwashers. } } The quickest, albeit wasteful, course } would be to seek a dish divorce -- } just open up a trash container! } (No need to wash or use the drainer.) } } But The Oracle doesn't use half-measures } That interefere with hours of leisure. } The method she finds very nice? } A tactical thermonuclear device.