From kinzler Thu Feb 14 22:13:53 1991 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Thu, 14 Feb 91 22:13:53 -0500 From: Steve Kinzler To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #266 Reply-To: oracle-vote === 266 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #266 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Thu, 14 Feb 91 22:13:53 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg: 200 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 261 12 votes 51321 02523 15420 34410 15501 14322 33420 22233 13170 23412 261 2.8 mean 2.4 3.5 2.6 2.3 2.6 3.0 2.4 3.3 3.2 2.8 --- 266-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: bjb@hubcap.clemson.edu (BJ Backitis) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I heard an anthropologist (from HAAAAVARD, no less) say on the radio > that the reason we have two sexes is because women needed men to > provide some genetic variability. So basically, men are just a > big breeding experiment. > > What I would like to know is, is this REALLY the reason there are > two sexes? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The reason there are two sexes } Is evident, obvious and clear: } One is too few to have fun with, } With three one would just interfere. } } } Four would be fine if they split into twos; } Five would be too if you weren't the one } left out when the four split up into twos } booting you out the door when they felt like some fun. } } Six is three twos (as I said, leave the threesome) } Seven's a problem alike to the five } Eight though four twos is getting -- well, fearsome } Nine's heaven not: for threes from it derive. } } Ten's far far too many though it's also five twos. } More you'd just hate: just think of tricks } You'd need to examine, determine and fix } Just where to stick what, through which, and with } who's } } } So what should I say to sum up this edict? } What's the solution? How should I go on? } Well it pains me to quote it (George Michael's an eejit) } But Sexes are best when there's two (one on one). } } } } So there you go. Nuts to Harvard. You owe the Oracle an e-date with } Hartford's own dream netter, Ruth Hanschka, compared to whom Lisa's } glory fades like snow on a slushy highway. Gee, I sure hope this makes } the 'racularities. She reads them, you know, she really does... --- 266-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Russell S Porter The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Wise and Greate Oracle... > Yesterday I went to one of the Casino's in Vegas. I have put $1000 on > '0' at the Roulette, and won. Should I try this again? Or maybe I > should go to another Casino? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } O Weak and Limited One! } } Let's find out: } } % simulate roulette1 } How Many Players: 1 } Player 1 Name: Weak and Limited One } Nickname: W&LO } Player 1 Bankroll: $36000 } } } } "Welcome back to the beautiful Sand's Casino, Mr. W&LO. Can I get you } a drink? No? Fine. The roulette table is just this way." } } "Place your bets, ladies and gentlemen, place your bets...Ah, I see } you're back to try number zero again, Mr. W&LO! Good luck to you!" } } } } "27 black! Everybody's a loser. Place your bets." } } "Would you care to borrow against your account, Mr. W&LO? You would? } $100,000? I think that can be arranged. There you go." } } "Place your bets, everybody, place your bets!" } } } } "Everybody's a loser. So sorry." } } "Mr W&LO? Where do you think you're going? Leaving us? Oh, no, Mr. } W&LO, you have to pay up your account before leaving. No money? You } have no money? Ah. Let me introduce you to our debt reconciliation } manager, Mr. Rocco "The Rock" Giardinni, and his associate, Mr. Walter } "Crushed Nose" Solcwizski. I believe they have some information for } you in that very dark room in the back...?" } } } } Hmmm... Not very much fun, huh? Let's try again, at a different } Casino. } } % simulate roulette2 } How Many Players: 1 } Player 1 Name: Weak and Limited One } Nickname: W&LO } Player 1 Bankroll: $36000 } } } } "Welcome to the Trump Taj Mahal Casino! Would you care to watch the } very naked women dance in the lounge? No? Fine. The roulette table } is just this way." } } "Bets, ladies and gentlemen, bets please. Thank you, Mr. W&LO. I see } you've taken the lucky number zero? An excellent choice. Let's see } how you fare..." } } } } "Zero! A winner!! Let it ride? Fine." } } } } "Zero AGAIN!! My, you ARE on a lucky stream tonight, Mr. W&LO! Let } it ride again?? Oh, you are the daredevil!" } } } } "Zero again. My, aren't you the fortunate one. Let it ride again? } Oh, I don't think so, Mr. W&LO. What's that? You've decided to go } for a ride with these two gentlemen? Ah, I see you've met our Special } Winner Congratulations Committee. Please, allow me to introduce you: } The smaller one towering over your left shoulder is Louis Schiller. } They used to call him "Killer Schiller," ha ha. Some childhood } nickname, I'm sure. The gentleman twisting your left leg is called } 'Puke.' It's funny, we've never managed to find out if he has any } other name. You'll be leaving now? Oh, I'm sure the three of you } will have a WONDERFUL time. Your chips? I'll be happy to take care } of those for you. No, I don't think you'll be needing them soon." } } } } Hm. Not promising either, is it? Maybe you should consider another } hobby. I hear that stamps are nice. } } You owe the Oracle two pair of loaded dice and a bullet-proof vest. --- 266-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Russell S Porter The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Boredom sets in. But not of you, O Wise and Wonderful Oracle whose > Knowledge of that which Is and that which Isn't is Really High, I have a > few ponderances. Well, actually I have ten. I wonder if you could help > enlighten me. > > 1) Take a slinky, a lighter, and the complete BeeGee's box CD set. > What do you get? > > 2) What's the best canned lasagne? > > 3) Is Niagra a good place for a honeymoon? Or would you recommend > elsewhere? > > 4) When did the Oracle find out the truth about Santa Claus? > > 5) If John Madden fell in the forest, would it make a sound? > > 6) Would it have changed anything if we had also kept Q-Tips out > of Iraq in the embargo? > > 7) Whatever happened to all those Rubik's Cubes that used to be > everywhere? Does it involve dark matter? > > 8) Would an urban or rural area generally consume more Geritol per > capita? > > 9) Is that really Tom Brokaw's hair? > > And of course, > > 10) Does Mr. Whipple really have a top-ten list of fears? > > Thank you very much, dear Oracle. Shine on. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } > 1) Take a slinky, a lighter, and the complete BeeGee's box CD set. } > What do you get? } } Enlightenment. } } > 2) What's the best canned lasagne? } } Sri Mahagoni Ramamanana's Spiritually Corrected and Highly Enlightened } Tinned Lasagne and Karmic Aura Adjuster with Mushrooms. (Don't get the } one with meat, it's not karmically balanced). } } > 3) Is Niagra a good place for a honeymoon? Or would you recommend } > elsewhere? } } Niagra is a horrid, unenlightened place for a honeymoon, though not as } bad as Nigeria which is spelt almost the same but is in reality } considerably drier, which is where we went for our honeymoon despite } clearly asking for tix to Niagra. I would recommend Sri Syadavisin's } Hypokarmic Enlightenment Village. } } > 4) When did the Oracle find out the truth about Santa Claus? } } The Oracle has not yet found out the truth about Stanta Claus. } } > 5) If John Madden fell in the forest, would it make a sound? } } John Madden is unenlightened; it would not have mattered. } } > 6) Would it have changed anything if we had also kept Q-Tips out } > of Iraq in the embargo? } } Q-tips are for the spiritually backward. I recommend Sri Yahuguru } Palmananda's Spiritually Enlightening Cotton Swabs on Little Sticks. } } > 7) Whatever happened to all those Rubik's Cubes that used to be } > everywhere? Does it involve dark matter? } } No. It involves cubic matter with many colors on the sides. } } > 8) Would an urban or rural area generally consume more Geritol per } > capita? } } Yes, if it could, but urban and rural areas aren't very good at opening } bottles. } } > 9) Is that really Tom Brokaw's hair? } } No. It is a musical, mystical bear. } } > 10) Does Mr. Whipple really have a top-ten list of fears? } } Not nearly as long as yours. --- 266-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Russell S Porter The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, I simply must have some of that smashing advice you give...! > > I ordered a pizza this evening. Two pizzas, actually. And when the guy > came to deliver them, I didn't notice anything odd -- but after I handed > him the money, he counted out my change. In rubles. It was then that I > noticed the thick Austrian accent. (I know rubles aren't from Austria; > that's the thing that caught my attention.) > As he counted out the money, his mustache -- a fairly thin one that > extended down his jowls to the sides of his chin -- began to come away > from his face. He noticed my curious stare, but I quickly covered by > remarking simply that he looked like my cousin. As soon as I said it, I > realized -- I'm not kidding -- that it was, in fact, true! This guy > could have been my cousin Rick with his hair dyed. Only my cousin Rick > is dead, and has been for two years. Stunned as I was, I did nothing as > this guy left the apartment building. I shook off my stupor and took > the pizzas into the kitchen, attributing it all to... well, I didn't > know what. > The pizza was the wrong order. The works on each, and I'd only ordered > them with pepperoni and extra cheese. As I was trying to decide between > calling the pizza place again or just going to bed early, a knock came > on the door. When I opened it, it was another pizza delivery person -- > or pizza collection, I should say, because she'd come to take back the > wrong order and refund me my money and some extra coupons. I didn't > know what to say. First of all, she was stunningly beautiful. She > should have been a model or something, not a pizza delivery girl. > Second, I couldn't understand how she had known that my order was > incorrect already. Third, she had a monkey sitting on her shoulder. As > I stood there a second time, speechless in my own doorway, she gently > eased the boxes from my hands (I thought I had left them in the kitchen, > but what the heck?) and pressed the money -- good, American money -- > into my open hands. And the coupons. By the time I had collected > myself enough to ask what time she got off from work, she was gone. > And the coupons were for some dry-cleaning place down the street. > > Oracle, what the hell happened? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It's all a fancy advertising gimmick for this dry-cleaning place. } I note that you didn't mention in your letter that those pizzas you got } were not from the place you ordered them from, the boxes had on them a } nonexistent address, and you did indeed get the correct order from the } right place a few minutes later. (See, the Oracle IS omniscient.) This } dry-cleaning place puts taps on phone lines and when you order a pizza } or something, they go through this elaborate scheme. As a result, they } hope, you will go there 1) to make sure that isn't your cousin Rick, 2) } to meet this beautiful woman, 3) to liberate a helpless, oppressed } monkey, 4) to see if you could get a pizza with the works there, at a } lower price, 5) to change currency, 6) to use their coupons, or 7) } because you need something drycleaned. It turns out that it's not a } dry-cleaners at all, but a Satanic Church, and they're trying to lure } human sacrifices. So it's a good thing you asked the Oracle before } checking it out on your own. } } You owe the Oracle two pizzas with the works. --- 266-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Russell S Porter The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How many licks does it REALLY take to get to the Tootsie Roll center of > a Tootsie Pop? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Upon receipt of your question, the Oracle immediately went to the store } and bought several Tootsie Pops. The Oracle will spare no expense to } answer a good question like this one. } } For the first sample, a cherry pop (the Oracle loves cherry): } 145 licks and one chomp. } } For the second sample, a raspberry (maybe I can lick this one until I } get to the gooey center): } 367 licks and then I gave it to the dog (I don't like raspberry) } } For the next sample, a chocolate: } 2386 licks and then it was gone. I couldn't tell when I got to } the tootsie roll part. } } Next, a grape: } 12 licks, then a sugar high, and four laps around the neighborhood } to settle down. } } } This research stuff is too much for the Oracle. You owe the Oracle the } name of a good dentist. --- 266-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Russell S Porter The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Can anyone tell me where I can find maps of Middle-Earth ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hagstrom publishes a good set of street maps of Middle Earth, though } they are a bit out-of-date. Their map of Minith Tirith is particularly } unreliable. Several major streets are completely omitted. } } "The Rand-MacNally Middle-Earth Road Atlas" provides excellent, } large-scale highway maps of all significant domains of Middle Earth, } plus detailed inset street maps of majors cities. } } For tourist travel in Middle Earth, the Oracle particularly recommends } the Michelin Guide to Middle Earth, published in French, English, } Japanese, Quenya, and Orcish. } } } Your owe the Oracle a postcard from Rivendell, and a "This Car Climbed } Whitetop" bumper sticker. --- 266-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Russell S Porter The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > OH GREAT AND WISE ORACLE TELL ME WHO IS GOING TO WIN THE WAR IN THE > FLUG. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } That's quite difficult, as the Flug War between Thorastia and } Gambaboosh has been going on for the last eighty seven years. The last } reported hostility was when Gweeba nar-Foofem, the Foreign Minister for } Thorastia, described the Prime Minister and Poobah-for-Life of } Gambaboosh as being "somewhat portly." The PM, being within earshot } (these are SMALL countries we're talking about), threw an empty Coors } can at nar-Foofem, which missed. } } The war, of course, was started in 1904 when the Flug Field, on the } border between the two countries (but claimed without dispute by } Thorastia up until then) was discovered to have commercially viable } quantities of gravel. Both countries, in desperate need for an export } besides their very colorful postage stamps, claimed the field. } Declarations of war were quickly passed. } } The war has been somewhat subdued, as neither country actually } possesses an army, navy or any other military force. Law enforcement } duties are performed by the local magistrate, calling in the postman to } help if things get out of control on saturday night. } } Since Thorastia removed the last useful load of gravel in 1912, and } there have been no casualties on either side (although one worker got a } bit scuffed up in a fall in 1910), it seems likely that the state of } war will continue until there's a revolution in either country, or } something. In any case, it doesn't really matter much. } } You owe the Oracle a just war; we're fresh out up here. --- 266-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > WOULD YOU PLEASE SEND ME SOME C CODE THAT DOES WEATHER FORECASTS > BASED ON FLUID DYNAMICAL PRINCIPLES? I HAVE AN ASSIGNMENT THAT > IS DUE NEXT TUESDAY. > > SIGNED > > BIFF > Student And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hmm... let me think.... } } #include } } main() { } } printf("Weather forecast:\n"); } } switch (rand() % 5) { } case 0: printf("fair weather.\n"); break; } case 1: printf("rain.\n"); break; } case 2: printf("snow.\n"); break; } case 3: printf("windy.\n"); break; } case 4: printf("tornado.\n"); break; } default: printf("Act of God[tm].\n"); break; } } } } return 0; } } } } Write the rest of it yourself, you lazy bum. } } You owe the Oracle a box of Valentine's Day candy for } my guest programmer, and one for Lisa. --- 266-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: arf@mentor.cc.purdue.edu (The Nefarious Scotto) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is there a place that can ship me a mail-order bride by UPS? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You have come to the right place! The Oracle is, in fact, in the } mail-order business (We all have to make a living somehow) and I } can set you up right over e-mail. I just need some basic information. } } --------------------------------------------------------- } | BOX-A-BRIDE MAIL-ORDER MARRAGE SERVICE | P.O. # 52345 | } ---------------------------------------------------------------------- } | BILL SHIP TO | } | Name :__________________ ___________________ | } | Address :_________________________ __________________________ | } | City,St :______________ Zip_______ _________________Zip______ | } |--------------------------------------------------------------------| } | Selection (Please circle one) | } | | } | 1) Trixie - Quick, easy, basic sure-please model ($19.95 U.S.) | } | | } | 2) Monica - Thin, lithe knock-out, but can be bitchy ($29.95 U.S.) | } | | } | 3) Bertha - Wide model, the most for your dollar ($29.95 U.S.) | } | | } |--------------------------------------------------------------------- } | TOTAL : $ | } ------------------ --- 266-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christopher Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wise and profound Oracle, why do IBM and DEC insist on allowing > boneheaded programmers to dereference NULL pointers, thereby generating > code which crashes on any "Real Computer"? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Simple; there has to be a readily accessible means by which to determine } that the above individuals are, in fact, boneheads. Can you think of } any better way to identify them than such idiocy as: } } { } int a; } int* b; } a=*b; } b=&a; ... gory details etc. } } } } Of course, it's not so funny if you're an AI program. In this case, you } might just be the victim of such a programmer if they've been hired } to rewrite some minor part of your code, such as the relative clause } complet } Segmentation Fault- Core Dumped. } %