From kinzler Sun Apr 21 07:21:53 1991 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Sun, 21 Apr 91 07:21:53 -0500 From: Steve Kinzler To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #294 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: %Mz-_My%|8Y#+Dghgh,Owh]Y.wswC(Sr"9$Yxo>,y2|lC]st $*`Oi=Xk;O-^xC=eu>[1;(HMb(!:`;V$i'=z{ZjV x.g*4`x70T3%o3O=[3*ZxF6Z12vu` X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with "faces". From the iuvax archive today. === 294 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #294 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Sun, 21 Apr 91 07:21:53 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg: 200 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 289 16 votes 31930 0a510 17530 12751 05650 26530 18520 36700 00934 13930 289 2.8 mean 2.8 2.4 2.6 3.2 3.0 2.6 2.5 2.3 3.7 2.9 --- 294-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Whatever happened to Bullwinkle? And Rocket J. Squirrel whilst you're > at it? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hey! Where is the grovelling? It is only proper and fitting that } you grovel before me since I am such a superior being than you and I } have totally awed you with my presence. I will not answer such } pretentious questions in the future. I will answer you this once since } you are obviously so ignorant of proper procedure, but only this once! } The next time I shall smite you down for such a transgression. } } Bullwinkle and Rocky have had a hard time since their stellar rise } in television a while back. The two were expelled from Wattsammata U. } for alleged homosexual activities and running a prostitution ring. } While conclusive proof of these activities was not found W. U. decided } to dismiss the two to prevent a scandal involving the school. } } Bulwinkle was then desparate for money to finance his appetite and } Rocky's cocaine habit (What did you think kept him flying all those } years?) and was recruited by the Boris and Natasha to be spies against } the U.S. This is the single cause of the great underwater stealth } cavarly gap between the superpowers today. Bullwinkle had stolen the } plans for this weapons system from Mr. Peabody (at this time working } with the Navy, NASA, and the FDA) at his top secret lab in Ontario. Mr. } Peabody's pet boy Sherman witnessed the heist and was subsequently gored } by the surprised moose. (Sherman is now a quardraplegic and has sued } Bullwinkle for $30,000,000.29) Dudley-Do-Right, on special duty from the } mounties (they were looking for any way to get rid of him.) was } stationed there as a security guard and janitor for the facility stopped } the rampaging moose by falling down the stairs and the noise alerted } Horse who stampeded over Bullwinkle. } } Bulwinkle was charged and found guilty of high treason. He did, } in fact, make his drop by handing the stolen information to Rocky who } flew away to deliver the goods to the enemy. Rocky was later } intercepted and shot down by two Navy F-14's as he flew over the East } Coast. Bulwinkle is now awaiting the manditory appeal for his death } sentence at the Federal penitentiary in Marion, Illinois. } } So what will happen to our intrepid heroes now? Tune in next time } for Bullwinle get the Electric Chair, or You Light up my Life.... } } You owe the oracle a Wattsamata U. sweatshirt. --- 294-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I owe you a beer, don't I? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hmmm...let me check... } (Of course, I can access the information virtually instantly. } It's just a nicety that Steve programmed in so I don't make you mortals } feel *too* dumb.) } Ah, here we go. The Oracle's ledger. Hmmm...God still owes me } for that bet we had about who could make the sillier animal. He created } the platypus (you didn't think it _evolved_, did you?) and I created the } Jewish American Princess. Talk about a mistake... } OK, here we are. Mortals...ah, I see why you're confused. You } owe me a *deer*. Lisa says venison is an aphrodisiac. } Then again, Lisa says *everything* is an aphrodisiac. } } You owe a specific incarnation of the Oracle a UNIX system so he } can write those neat session-simulation answers. --- 294-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O wise Oracle, how come I see empty shotgun shells all round the place > when I go walking at the edge of a forest but I don't ever see li'l baby > hatchling shotguns? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Because they stay in nests in hollow trees. When you see the } shells, that means that the mama shotgun has been cleaning out her nest. } This also means that you're _near_ a nest, and ought to exercise } caution. } Certain people actually catch and raise wild baby shotguns and } domesticate them. This is dangerous work, which explains why a new } shotgun costs so damn much. } You owe the Oracle a case of Federal 12-gauge Premium Buckshot. --- 294-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, voice of almighty Crom, you must answer me. > Why do I have the strong urge to do grave violence to others? For > instance, there is a certain faculty member whom I told, "Knave! Cease > your evil deeds or I shall cleave your skull to the teeth!" > And should I buy a broadsword? Lately I've been wanting one, > badly. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Excuse me? I *must* answer you? Just where do you think you get } off ordering the Oracle around like that? Fortunately for you, the } Oracle is in a kind mood today and so won't send a Lightning Bolt Like } This World Has Never Seen (tm) to fry your sorry butt. But you better } make proper amends or next time you're toast. Check out what you owe } the Oracle below. } } Now as to your question. Obviously you are the result of an alien } neuro-genetic experiment, whereby your body has been inplanted with the } brain of a boxer (probably Leon Spinks) and the speech circuitry of King } Richard the Third. This explains the violence part and is also the } reason you use such anachronistic language. To rid yourself of the } Spinks problem, have another boxer (preferably Tyson or Hagler) hit you } repeatedly in the face until you are dead. Then take three valium to } relieve the headache, and bathe your body in the Well of Fondue to } relieve the deadness. } } Unfortunately, there is no cure for the King Dick III infestation. } At least not one that your puny mortal form could survive. Especially } after you are already dead from removing the boxer infestation. You'll } just have to hope it goes away by itself. } } And don't buy a brodasword. The Oracle much prefers the Japanese } katana. Much better balanced, easier to use, and gets 2d6 damage } against S/M creatures. } } You owe the Oracle BIG. For your insolence, you owe three roast } pigs, two unblemished rams, and a *virgin* Tri-Delt sacrificed on the } altar of Serendipity on the planet Foob. For the *TWO* questions that } the Oracle answered, you owe a one year's supply of Turtle Wax, an } all-expenses-paid trip to Yosemite, and a home version of six different } game shows. Got it? --- 294-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I Hacked TELNET > (sung to the tune of 'I Fought The Law,' by the Bobby Fuller Four) > > I tried to hack TELNET, > TELNET won. > I needed access 'cause I > Had none. > Tried to hack TELNET with a > 0! > 1! > 0! > 0! > 1! > 1! > Tried to hack TELNET, > TELNET won. > (long guitar solo [synthesized, of course]) > A-breakin' codes in the > Hot sun! > I hacked TELNET but > TELNET won. > (another long guitar solo) > I got punted and it feels so bad! > I guess my password's dumb. > It's the worst feeling that I > Ever had! > I hacked TELNET and > TELNET won. > I hacked TELNET and > TELNET won. > (yet another long guitar solo) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } (lyre solo) } Some times they say you're horny, } some times they say you're sad } But I would bet you money } Any one would call you mad } To hack TELNET } TELNET's like a desert, } Full of dust and sand } TELNET's got documentation } No one can understand } Just for TELNET } First they got a Martian } Straight from outer space } That's the guy who started to } Put TELNET into place! } Martian TELNET! } Then they got a sadist } Hi-tech whips and chains } She's the real reason } You got TELNET on the brains! } Sadist TELNET! } Last they got the Devil } Straight from outta Hell } That dude is the reason } Y'all like TELNET so well } Devil TELNET --- 294-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: bjb@hubcap.clemson.edu (BJ Backitis (KM4RB)) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Are there any "law-abiding gun owners?" And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } An answer to your question would first require that you understand that } law is as artificial and man-made as a gun, and just as dangerous. The } Oracle would argue that Law is much more dangerous in that it allows the } tamed to commit heinous crimes against the free-thinking without any } responsibility being placed on the individual. Why should you feel } guilty when the law commits an act of injury to the innocent? } } When you have completed understanding of this equality, you will realize } the error of your question. When locked in a room with a murderous } entity, the Oracle would much rather have a gun than the law on his } side. --- 294-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com (Jon Monsarrat x6227) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Kidnapping her and assuming her identity were hard enough, but I can't > believe what a boring life she leads! Is there any way I can liven it > up yet stay in character and not arouse suspicion? > > --Agent 37 And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle has contacted the proper authorities. They asked me } to forward this message: } } ------------------------------------------------------------------------ } Forget it, number 37. You knew what you were getting into when } you took this assignment. We gave you the dossier on your subject } before we sent you back in time. } Now, I know babies have boring lives, but you HAVE to act like a } baby. If you don't act according to your instructions, you will not } meet Ronnie at Paramount Studios, and then he *certainly* won't make it } as a politician without you working the strings. Even if he did (yeah, } sure), what good would he be to us? } Anyway, you'll get to have *lots* of fun once you get to the } White House, though. I'm sending you a copy of a book by a Kitty Kelly } that came out in 1991. You'll see what I mean. The book has been } encoded in the form of a fairy tale called "Goldilocks and the Three } Bears". We will see to it that your parents read it to you when you are } four. } Keep up the good work, Agent 37. } ------------------------------------------------------------------------ } } You owe the Oracle a Cabinet position. --- 294-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: arf@mentor.cc.purdue.edu (The Nefarious Scotto) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I have taken what is supposed to be a large dose of mixed hallucinogens > (LSD, cane toad secretions, peyote) yet nothing out of the ordinary is > happening. I still change sex every three-and-one-half minutes and hair > color about every twelve, my pet iguana changes momentarily into a cat > now and then and bays at the Moon, which hangs from the ceiling as it > always did, its green cheese smelling a bit moldy. So when do I start > tripping? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The problem is very simple: You are clearly not human. There are only } three species in the universe which changes sex every three-and-one-half } minutes: You must one of them. } } 1) The Btsmats-Fud of Cygnus Alpha 3. This race actually has 17 sexes, } which must pair in all possible combinations in the correct order in } order to reproduce. Since the Btsmats-Fud are not known for their } mental acuity, it is generally agreed that the race will be extinct in a } few generations. You can't be one of them, as they are fatally allergic } to cheese. } } 2) The Prong Beetles of Arcturus 5. As nasty a race as lives on any } flea-bitten planet in the universe. The Oracle hopes, for your own } sake, that you AREN'T a Prong Beetle. Their diet disgusts even them. } Lucky for you, you probably don't belong to this misbegotten race, since } they have brains the size of thumbtacks, and are thus unlikely to master } electronic mail anytime in the foreseeable evolutionary future. } } 3) The Myop. The Myop live on no planet at all. They are vaguely } spherical, fur-covered, and live their entire lives in orbit around red } giants, where they feed on long-wavelength spectra. They can freely } switch sexes, and breed exponentially. Several of the larger red giants } in the interior part of the galaxy, once major tourist attractions, have } been abandoned in the past fifty years due to infestations of Myop. The } Galactic Department of Health has recently declared Myop to be "vermin } of the lowest order", and is funding a major effort to exterminate the } little buggers. Myop are known to generate their own supply of natural } hallucinogens, and to have a freakish affinity for reptilian lifeforms. } } All indications are that you are a Myop, you festering hair-ball. } } You owe the Oracle two large cans of RAID (tm) Roach, ant, and Myop } Killer. --- 294-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Karyanta The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I ordered a pizza with the lot from Joe's Pizza Joint (the one with the > neon sign in the window). The pizza was fine, except that he somehow > mathematically cancelled the anchovies! I thought it was done like > this: > > Anchovies are pieces of fish. > => Anchovies are fish derivatives. > > Now, we have the following: > > d fish > ------- > d pizza = anchovies on a pizza, and > > d taste > ------- > d fish = varies according to a Poisson distribution > > so, by the chain rule, > > d taste d fish d taste > ------- * ------- = ------- > d fish d pizza d pizza > > and the fish is cancelled out. > > What can I do if the fish is cancelled out again? > > -sm And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } While your math is correct (as far as it goes), your mistake was made } earlier than that. You ordered the pizza 'with the works'. That means } extra cheese. Cheese contains cholesterol. The anchovies ate the } cheese, died of cholesterol clogging their arteries, and exploded } in the oven. That explains the brown splotches in the cheese, they } were the remains of vaporized anchovies. } } You owe the Oracle a double-crusted pizza with shitaki mushrooms. } Oh, and garlic rolls. (Gotta keep them werewolves away, you know!) --- 294-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Where can I buy an inflatable Nancy Reagan sex doll? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The same place I bought mine--Jesse Helms's Little Shop O' } Heterosexual Perversion Tools. Wonderful, isn't she? } You owe the Oracle the name of a place where I can find a picture } of Marilyn Quayle in a black leather nuns' habit.