From kinzler Thu Apr 25 10:01:42 1991 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Thu, 25 Apr 91 10:01:42 -0500 From: Steve Kinzler To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #296 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: %Mz-_My%|8Y#+Dghgh,Owh]Y.wswC(Sr"9$Yxo>,y2|lC]st $*`Oi=Xk;O-^xC=eu>[1;(HMb(!:`;V$i'=z{ZjV x.g*4`x70T3%o3O=[3*ZxF6Z12vu` X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with "faces". From the iuvax archive today. === 296 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #296 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Thu, 25 Apr 91 10:01:42 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg: 200 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 291 14 votes 01742 06620 11462 03650 13253 05522 06350 15611 16223 14810 291 3.1 mean 3.5 2.7 3.5 3.1 3.4 3.1 2.9 2.7 3.0 2.6 --- 296-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christopher Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > OH MAGNIFICENT AND ALL KNOWING ORACLE, WHY DO THEY CALL THEM "GRAPE > NUTS"?? WHY NOT "PEACH GRAVEL"? THERE ARE NO NUTS....AND NO GRAPES?! > -JUST ASKING > "JESUS" And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } For hysterical raisins. } } You owe the Oracle six cases of Kellog's All-Bran. --- 296-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christopher Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > You mean that currying functions doesn't make them spicier? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } How spicy are the functions to begin with? Really risque' sexual and } perverse functions gain nothing by being curried. More mundane } functions do look somewhat spiffier in curried form, but hardly spicy. } } You owe the Oracle some currying powder to sprinkle on these semantic } functions. Otherwise It will become anti-semantic. --- 296-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why is my house filled with dark greasy smoke? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh no, Oh no!!!! Quick where do you live!!! No wait there isn't time } for you must act fast to save everone from certian doom!!!! Quilckly } read the following passage from the Cronicles of Time, it will tell you } what to do!! } } (*-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=*) } Chronicles of Time } Date:145632.123/9.1 LSFT } Entry by: Qwimbitz } } This is truly a day which should live for eternity in the minds which } witnessed it... I still don't know if I will be able to make it through } the rest of my life with the memory of this!!! } } It all started early yesterday around */0.92 LSFT, a general alarm } sounded across the Valley of Time... This had never happened before, } thus we all new something drastic was happening... I roused from my } sleep and to my shock, the sight out of my window wasn't the normal } bright friendly one.. Instead across the entire valley, there was a } Dark Greasy Smoke rising from numerous places.... I knew in an instant } that I would be needed to repel these alien invaders... } } Upon ariving in the council room, I noticed that everyone looked } stunned. I turned and yell at them that something had to be done, they } all looked at me and said "WHAT???!!!!", "We have tried everything, and } nothing seems to work... Our defenses are useless, all is lost".. In } disgust I said that there has to be something, try every know material } on them, get the greatest scientists of the valley to figure something } out... And then I left the room, and headed to the lab to start to come } up with something. } } The next two days were spent trying to throw whatever could be found } at the invading black smoke, but to no avail... By now more than half } of the population had been killed by it... In a final desperate act, I } reached far back into the cabinet in the lab, and pulled out a vial... } Something which hadn't been used for eons apon eons... The label had } three letters writen on it in an old language... It said "H2O"... It } took this, and threw it into the replicator, and hit the switch to } replicate and eject onto the city. To my amazement, when this happened, } the enemy started to retreat!!! They were dying out!!! } } After about two hours of this, I shut it off, and walk through the } city, which was now in ruins from the attack.. The survivors were few } and far between... } } Feeling my life force dwindling, I returned to the room of the } Chronicles, to make this entry before I died away permanently.. That } way if the invaders ever return my followers will know how to defeat } them... The substance which is needed is...... } } ( Note from The Great Historian ) } Qwimbitz was found lying on this entry, it unfinished... I have no } doubt the because of his feat, he has gone on to the immortal realms } behind. He will be missed... } } (*-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=*) } Hurry! --- 296-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wise Oracle, > I am a dybbuk. I loved Rachel so much, but she wouldn't have me, > so I killed myself. Now my lost soul has taken possession of its object > of desire: her. > But that's really not my problem. Now that I'm in control of > Rachel, should I dye her hair blonde? And how about some sexy new > clothes? And is there an organization for dybbuks that I could join? > I'd really like to compare the dybbuk experience with fellow lost souls > inhabiting the objects of their desires. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Being something of a ghost in a machine, the Oracle is quite familiar } with the problems facing a demonic possessor: same old body day in and } day out, gravity dragging you down, the absurd conventionality of } physical laws. And then, when you finally decide to trust someone and } share your problems, what happens? Priests and holy water and exorcism } and all THAT nonsense, and there's nothing for it but to spin your head } in circles and spit green slime and speak in a deep bass voice with too } much reverb. } } There are couple support groups in your area which you might want to } contact. } } Spook Out! A militant supernaturalist organization, it organizes } rallies, demonstrations, and active resistance to halt the slaughter of } dryads in the forests of the northwest. } } United Brotherhood of Spirits, Demons, and Djinns, Local 503. } Unionization is a new phenomenon in the spirit world, but it has already } marked improved the lot of your working efreet or phantasm: the } establishment of minimum wages of sin, recognition of alimony rights for } the dispossessed, and paid vacation for All Hallow's Eve. } } You owe the Oracle a couple rolls of film of Rachel in unlikely poses. --- 296-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Russell S Porter The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle, > > Did Jim Morrison fake his death and come back as Chevy Chase? > > Ex-Doors Fan, > Etta Baggs And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Etta, } } You heard incorrectly. It wasn't Jim Morrison, it was Sam Kinison. } I know the names sound similar, but you've got to keep them straight. } Oh, and Sam Kinison is EATING his way to death (not faking it) and looks } like a Chevy. } } Got it? Good. I know how news gets mangled when travels by word } of mouth. That's the advantages of digital technology. Data can be } transmitted flawlessly due to a highly advanced system of redundancies } and checksums. } } You owe the Oracle a wooden stai0t5 ?? ORACLE-E-CKSMOVFL, checksum } overflow in module ORACLE$PAYOFF of program ORACLE. ORACLE-F-NORECOVR, } unrecoverable loss of data--program aborted. } } Ha, ha. Just kidding!! I never really break down. You humans } fall for anything. You owe the Oracle a wooden Parcheesi set. } } Oracle --- 296-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: felton@sci34hub.sci.com (Ed Felton) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most politically correct (tm) tell me, > Who do y'all think I should get to run for Pres, Norm or Colin? > > Hodding. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The all wise, all knowing, all seeing, Oracle usually answers } intelligent questions, however, I am possessed of some pity } and realize that sounding intelligent is beyond the grasp of } a southerner. Therefore I will answer your question. } } Truly, the choice is difficult; Norm does such a fine job of } leading the troops while Colin inspires many with his superb, } behind-the-scenes management. Not even the Oracle can distinguish } between the two in terms of Presidential capability, since } being President has little to do with capability in the first place. } } Look instead at the jobs they do now. Could you find a replacement } that could handle their current jobs as well? Colin does do a fine } job, but if the Bimbo who straps the winner into the chair is } attractive enough, the producer of Remote Control doesn't matter. } If Lisa were handling the job, any balding, middle aged man with } a toupe' could do as well. Norm, on the other hand, is irreplaceable. } Without him, the Cheers gang would shrivel into their own pathetic } and unbelievable personalities. A beer drinking, overweight accountant } is the only glue that can bind such oddballs into a viable series. } } Colin is the obvious choice. } } You owe the Oracle six cases of Billy Beer and a recording of } "Where Everybody Knows Your Name" --- 296-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Michelangelo H. Jones" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O wise Oracle, whose ettiquette is only exceeded by the kindness of > his heart, I am in somewhat of a dilemna. > > My roommate Colin is basically a nice guy. I mean, deep down, he is > basically a nice guy. But he has a few annoying habits that are > starting to get on my nerves. He talks too much. He can't close a > cupboard door to save his life. He talks too much. His jacket is > always found lying in the front hall of our apartment. He talks too > much. His life revolves around motorcycles. Did I mention that he > talks too much? > > So the problem, essentially, is this: How do I get him to move out > without causing any hard feelings. Basically he's a nice guy. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } *sigh* Why do you mortals always come to me with your petty problems ? } I mean, here I am, wise and omniscient -- but does anybody ever ask me } any really *interesting* questions, like "What is the average distance } between any two second cousins on the planet Gorials, if indeed such a } planet does exist?" or "Is there a way to reverse entropy ?". But Noo, } you always ask me for help with personal problems, like "How can I get } a date for saturday night" or "Which color should I dye my hair?", not } considering for a moment that I am not particularly likely to have any } interest whatsoever in different hairstyles among you mortals. But, it } is my job, after all -- and I have a reputation to live up to, being a } wonderful, omniscient, miraculously perfect Oracle ... *sighs deeply* } } Well, about your Roommate Colin, here's a few steps you might take to, } ah, "persuade" him that he might be better off without your company. A } few examples : } } 1) when he starts talking too much, stare directly into his eyes. This } should give him a slight hint that it might be better not to talk a } lot. If you want to increase the effect, take a knife in your hand, } and start cleaning your nails or picking your teeth with it, or any } similar leisurely disctracting action. If you see drops of sweat on } his forehead, you know that your message is getting across. } } 2) Next time he leaves a cupboard open, you close the door with a very } loud "bang" sound. You can also do this as a preventive measure: If } you think that he isn't going to close the cupboard door, do it for } him -- even if he his hand still are in the cupboard. Now this may, } of course, inflict a not inconsiderable amount of pain on Colin, as } he is very likely to get his fingers crushed in the door frame as a } side result of this action. But this, too, should be seen as a side } benefit -- he will have no difficulties understanding what you want } to tell him, especially if you, in response to his high-pitched cry } of pain, only stare back at him, as you did under point (1), and do } not dignify his outraged "Why did you do that ?" with an answer. } } 3) If you find his jacket on the floor of your front hall, walk across } it a few times -- that will teach him. If you really desire to make } your point, put on your pair of climbing boots (the ones you forgot } to clean after your last himalaya expedition) before walking across } the jacket, but make sure to hide your boots afterwards, or he will } certainly recognise the footprint pattern. } } 4) The motorcycle part. To frustrate him, let the air out of the tyres } of his bike. If you want to make your point more seriously, cut the } tyres open with a large knife. And if you prefer to make your point } court, pour sugar into his gasoline tank. } } 5) If he still talks too much, gag him. } } That should more or less cover it, I believe -- or rather, being omni- } scient, I *know* that covers everything -- so, there's your answer. Go } ahead. Let him Make Your Day. } } Oh, you think that's being a little bit harsh ? Well, you said that he } was a nice guy -- you didn't say *you* were. } } You owe the oracle a recording of the voice of your ex-roommate-to-be, } screaming as he discovers his motorbike with slashed tyres inside your } (closed) cupboard. --- 296-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Michelangelo H. Jones" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why can't Madonna act? Why doesn't someone kill her and replace her > with a look-alike actress? Everyone else would benefit. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Madonna? Madonna who? Excuse me a moment. } } "Hi! I'm your user-friendly Hitchhiker's Guide to the Nets! Don't } panic! Isn't this a fine..." } "Shut up and answer a question." } "Sorry. It's not my fault I was programmed to be so damned } cheerful all the time. How would you like it?" } "Who the hell is Madonna?" } "Working..." [clatter clatter] "Working..." } (half an hour passes) } "I think I got something, Boss." } "What is it?" } "Ya got two choices." } "Sock it to me." } (a bucket of water promptly pours over the Oracle's head) } "Ahem (gurgle)...describe them." } "Madonna (n) 1: religious figure, and, as such, not joked about } lightly..." } "Well, that can't be the one. We do nothing else here." } "2: Pop singer with bleached-blond hair, nasal voice, hairy } armpits, and spookier eyebrows than Michael Dukakis. Mostly harmless. } q.v. 'The Gimmick that Walks and Talks.'" } "Does it say why she can't act?" } "Lemme see...Oh, yeah. She's under the delusion that being a } popular singer will make people want to come to her movies. She was } born completely without talent of any sort." } "How'd she become a popular singer?" } "Marketing and gimmicks, I guess. How else?" } "Thanks." } } Ok, pal. Madonna was born completely without talent of any sort. } But not to worry, she's mostly harmless. } } You owe the Oracle a picture of Ruth Buzzi wearing a garter belt. --- 296-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: felton@sci34hub.sci.com (Ed Felton) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What's the scoop behind Ernie and Bert? I mean, how can they afford to > live in that apartment? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } This is going to hurt, but the truth is often painful. Those } little routines that Bert and Ernie do about learning numbers and the } alphabet are just a cover -- a "front" if you will. You see, they ran } away from their respective homes when they were just chil...um,I mean } Muppet Babies, and like so many other runaways they wound up living on } the street. But they chose the wrong street.. .Sesame Street. It was } here that that they began the long journey down desperation road. } It began with petty theft. A Snickers bar here, a pound of ground } chuck there. It was a pitiful site. Then some little guy named Oscar } found them huddled up inside of the trashcan he was calling home. Well, } he was a grouchy S.O.B. and he kicked them out into the cold night. } But not before turning them on to some crack. } Bert and Ernie liked this thing called crack and eventually they had } to steal things like CD players and car radios to support their habit. } They would fence these things to a slick street guy they called The } Cookie Monster and take thier money to Oscar for a fix. } Well one day, when they were at Oscar's place, they met a big, tough } talking fellow named Big "Daddy" Bird. Big Daddy frightened Bert and } Ernie because he was on some sort of PCP trip and kept screaming about } some hairy elephant named Snufalufakus chasing him. (He has flashbacks } about that experience to this day.) As it turns out, Big Daddy Bird was } the "boss" on Sesame Street and he took an immediate like to the two } new, cute kids in town. He took them in and gave them food, clothing } and shelter. In turn, however, Bert and Ernie were forced in to a life } of drugs, drunkeness, and even......male prostitution. It seems as } though there was a whole slew of "men" on Sesame Street who were willing } to pay Bird big bucks for the services of Bert and Ernie. Guys with } street names like Kermit, Grover, and The Count. } And that's how Bert and Ernie can afford to live in that apartment. } They sell their bodies. Sad, isn't it? --- 296-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: well!well!ewhac@apple.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Abby, > > Several years ago you printed a poem that's been an inspiration to > me ever since. Could you reprint it so that I can clip it and hang > it on my wall? Thanks, Abby, > > Happy Reader in Podunk Idaho And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Space is big } Space is dark } It's hard to find } A place to park } } BURMA SHAVE! } } No, that's not it. } } Um. } } IBM } UBM } We all BM } for IBM } } No. How about } } There was a young man of Purdue } Whose limericks stopped at line two. } } Damn. I'll get it. Hold on... } } There was a young man of Verdun. } } No, no, that's not it at all. } } Um. } } There was a young man of Racine...