From oracle-request Wed May 8 08:27:56 1991 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Wed, 8 May 91 08:27:56 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #302 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: "9e\S&XFxP?L)~?^jbHC!$jk5#O}v\n#nwz8'd$#(H,+B4n<^{GSCr,![PCrQOV1 nW{vh|Ev<)b!y?'?aysJ)3YJ_/sOl@a'lKaG,uk|Xh3mR+xa]XJ!$vqAjQe?.nst;0/"u?M2K~rC6k~ |)'uWrn%alJW'QwwJJ441kc,m.C!?:EP49(+ X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with "faces". From the iuvax archive today. === 302 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #302 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Wed, 8 May 91 08:27:56 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg: 200 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 297 18 votes 19611 58500 46341 31a31 04932 42930 06840 01386 01575 47700 297 2.9 mean 2.6 2.0 2.6 2.9 3.2 2.6 2.9 4.1 3.9 2.2 --- 302-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > All knowing wise-one, will tomorrow's weather be fair for my bike-ride > home tomorrow? > > Your devoted servant... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The weather will be sunny and mild, with a high in the low 80's. A } light scattering of clouds will keep the sun out of your eyes, and a } light breeze will cool you as you ride. Lovely weather for biking. It } is all a plot. Do not be taken in. } } Do you remember when you said that Star Trek was stupid and juvenile, } and "The guy with pointy ears is just an overgrown elf?" No? You may } not remember, but They certainly do. And They want revenge. } } But you've changed, you say. You've started to see the merit of Star } Trek. You've even enjoyed Star Trek: The Next Generation a few times. } } Exactly. It's all part of their plan. } } When you ride home tomorrow, you will pass a Star Trek Convention. } Although you haven't been to one before, you'll decide that since } you're well ahead of schedule (on account of the fiendishly plotted } loveliness of the weather), and you're a bit thirsty (again because of } the fiendishly beautiful weather), you will stop in and look at the Con } for a bit. You will take no notice of the fact that the "Con" of } Convention can also stand for Conspiracy. } } The lovely weather you will have been enjoying is being specially } transported from the planet Sirius XJ-11, which has this sort of } idyllic weather all the time. The Trekkies, devious souls that they } are, have built a large two-way transporter connecting your entrance to } the Con with Sirius XJ-11. } } That's right, _two-way_. _Your entrance_. Shortly after you enter } the Con, you will wake up on Sirius XJ-11, nursing a large hangover. } (Air and breezes aren't disturbed by the ill effects of being } transported many light years by a beta-release transporter.) } } Besides perennially lovely weather, Sirius XJ-11 also has an intriguing } torture/slave system. You will have the opportunity to watch Star Trek } episodes and work at hard labor until you've amply regretted ever } complaining about Star Trek. The Trekkies will go on with the Con, } celebrating the completeness of their revenge against you. } } Which is to say that the weather will Be fair, the wrath of Con. } } You owe the Oracle a Star Trek rerun he hasn't seen. Fnord. --- 302-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Wise and Mighty All-Knowing, All-Seeing, and All-Doing Oracle, I have > a question for You: > > Why does a mirror reverse left and right but not up and down? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hmm. Not having interacted personally with the mirror of which you } speak, I don't care to go into a detailed psychoanalysis of the early } childhood experiences that caused a young, bright, and hopeful mirror } to pass through a stormy adolescence and become sullen and despondent, } eventually deciding to take its frustration out on a world that } wouldn't even acknowledge its gender by reversing left and right. } } However, it's easy to provide a few hints: in Latin, of course, while } "right" is "dexter," the word "left" translates as "sinister." From } this, we can conclude that the young mirror was dealt some trauma by } someone named Dexter, and so eventually came to identify Dexter with } all evil. From this identification of "dexter" and "sinister", the } switching of left and right clearly follows. } } Healthy, well-adjusted mirrors, of course, reverse north and south. } You might want to help your mirror become better-adjusted. Begin by } speaking to it gently, assuring it that you really want to help it be } as fulfilled as it can be. Remember, the mirror can only change if it } really wants to change. Now, as you lift the mirror and carry it to } the couch, -- } } *CRASH* } } That's seven years bad luck for _you_, buddy. } } You owe the Oracle a mirror that will reverse the charges. --- 302-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > It's happened again...collection 300 is out, and over the past few days > I've gotten and given some wonderful answers, and NOT ONE OF THEM is in > the Oracularities! NOT ONE! Is somebody bribing the priesthood or > something? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Youthful peon, you almost do not deserve an answer from the Oracle! } Why, the Oracle ought to you right now, this instant, for } speaking with such disrespect. You did not show any of the perquisite } supplication for speaking to a Deity! } } If the Oracle did not have a hangover, from drinking too } much ambrosia, you would not have long to live! But the loud noise of } your burning flesh would be too disturbing at the moment, so the Oracle } will provide you with an answer to your question. } } Wait a moment, the Oracle is trying to recall what has been happening } the last few days. There was a great deal of excellent ambrosia. } Lisa, through her sidelong glances, was plainly begging the Oracle to } place his hand on her knee. The Oracle allowed her to suffer for a } bit, before obliging. All the Deities were present: Zeus, the Buddha, } everyone. That could only mean one thing...the Oracle must have been } at the springtime Festival of the Gods! (If you have never heard of } this festival, it is absolutely marvelous. It is one of the most } memorable occasions in the entire year. If you attend, you will never } forget the entertainment: the Sirens even take the stage for a bit, } causing every male mortal in the place to completely lose control. It's } such a riot to watch the mortals! Of course, we have to tie them to } their chairs, or the entire place would be a shambles.) } } Now, you have asked the Oracle: } >Is somebody bribing the priesthood or something? } } Of course, the priesthood is completely honest. The members of the } priesthood are always carefully selected for their ability to be } brainwa ... er, made to obey the commands of the Oracle. And the } Oracle remembers telling them, specifically, not to accept any bribes. } So, the answer is 'no' to your question of bribery. Allow the Oracle } to look up what exactly it was that the Oracle told the priesthood the } day of the Festival of the Gods: } } logon: Oracle } passwd: xxxxxxxxx } } %lookup orders } } Members of the Oracular priesthood, } } Your beloved Oracle is about to depart for a few days of vacation. } He will be in Heaven for a few days, fed solely on ambrosia. Remember } not to accept any bribes. Also, keep production up while the Oracle is } away, because the Oracle does not want a pile of complaints on his desk } when he returns. } } the Oracle. } } %logout } } } } Now, the Oracle can see clearly the problem which lesser incarnations } of the Oracle have experienced in trying to obtain a posting to the } Oracularities! It was all in that line about keeping production up. } Ah, for once those playful rascals in the priesthood took Me seriously. } What a mishap it has caused. In order for the priesthood to keep up } production, in addition to their thousands of other duties, such as } searching for perfection (if you've ever tried this, you know how } time-consuming it can be) they were forced to read through the answers } given by all the little "Oracles" out there at a very rapid rate, say, } one every 15 seconds. In this time frame, they had to check each } answer for accuracy, and, what is more important to the Oracularities, } wit. In order to accomplish this feat, they were reduced to reading } only the very worst of the submissions, ones which used very simple } grammar, including the smallest number of subordinate clauses, and the } fewest words per sentence. } } Of course, this led to the very _worst_ "Oracles" receiving postings to } the Oracularities, and the _best_ replies to questions never even had a } chance. } } Having accounted for the mistake, let's just see if any of your } responses to questions would normally be accepted to the Oracularities, } assuming our selection process had been normal. The Oracle is looking } at some of your responses right } now. Oh, gosh, these are bad! The Oracle has not seen } responses this humorless, this lacking in good prose writing, in years! } Not only did you not make the Oracularities with these responses, but } the Oracle strongly advises you to give up trying. } } ---------------------------------- } You owe the Oracle your attendance, strapped into a chair of course, at } the next Festival of the Gods. --- 302-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: bjb@hubcap.clemson.edu (BJ Backitis (KM4RB)) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, Oracle Most Wise, Please Enlighten Me; > Why am I awake at this ungodly hour? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You left your computer on, you silly. } } You owe the Orac...*click!* } } That's better. --- 302-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Russell S Porter The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, who is quite important, > With all of my exams and final projects this week, I think > I'm getting pretty good at inane, repetitive, and futile work. > Is there anything that you would like to assign as well? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes, please answer the following question submitted to the Oracle: } } > Oh Oracle, who is quite important, } > With all of my exams and final projects this week, I think } > I'm getting pretty good at inane, repetitive, and futile work. } > Is there anything that you would like to assign as well? } } You owe the Oracle a copy of your final grades. --- 302-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > THERE IS A MAN, HE HAS A CHICKEN, A FOX, AND A BAG OF GRAIN. NOW HE > HAS TO TAKE THESE THINGS TO THE OTHER SIDE OF THE LAKE. HIS BOAT IS > VERY SMALL, THERE FOR HE HAS TO TAKE THEM ONE AT A TIME. NOW REMEMBER, > IF HE LEAVES THE FOX AND THE CHICKEN TOGETHER THEN THE FOX WILL EAT THE > CHICKEN, AND IF HE LEAVES THE CHICKEN WITH THE GRAIN THEN THE CHICKEN > WILL EAT THE GRAIN. ALSO REMEMBER HE HAS TO GET A THREE TO THE OTHER > SAFELY. HOW CAN HE DO THIS? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } There are several ways to do this! } } 1.) Leave the CHICKEN, the GRAIN and the FOX alone for a while. This } will reduce the problem on transporting a FOX with GRAIN and CHICKEN } inside. The solution for transporting the FOX is trivial. } } 2.) Convince the FOX to become vegetarian and tell the CHICKEN about } the Chemiclas that grain is treated with these days. This way nobody } will eat anybody anymore. } } 3.) Heisenberg found that the exact position of an object could never } be determined. Therefore the possibility of any object to be at any } place is never zero. So just wait until everybody appears on the other } side of the Lake. } } 4.) Buy a larger Boat! } } 5.) Wait until the pollution changes the climate and the Lake dries up. } This solution is based on some very questionable assumptions! } } 6.) Take the Grain out of the BAG and put in the FOX instead. Then take } the GRAIN to the other side. Come back, free the fox and put the } Chicken in the BAG instead. Take the blindfolded CHICKEN to the other } side. Then return and get the FOX. --- 302-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: felton@sci34hub.sci.com (Ed Felton) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great Oracle, whose grammar is by no means LR(1)... > > If this makes it into the oracularities, what will be its > rating? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Low. Very low. Not over 2.1. This sort of thing really pisses me } off. I have written what I thought were brilliantly witty, funny, } erudite, damned clever and hilarious responses, and the NEVER get rated } higher than 2.5! Never never never never never! I write lapidary } prose, show off my pyrotechnic writing style, shimmer with wit -- and } the BASTARDS who vote NEVER rate my answers very high. In fact, I've } gotten 1.4s for some pretty damned good efforts, and some verbose } cretins have gotten 4.5s for utterly boring, drawn-out BILGE that } deserved a 1.0 at best. The lousy, stinking, grandfather-buggering } bastards! The only good Oracularity written by somebody other than me } was the answer to "What is the frequency?" That is also the only } Oracularity that deserves a 5.0. } } You hate me all. I know it. Everybody either hates me or ignores me } or laughs at me. Never any love or affection or approval at all. Not } one bit except a little from my family, and even they don't really like } me. I've spent my whole life trying to be kind and generous and witty } and clever and attractive to people, and nobody gives a shit or cares } to even politely applaud my efforts a little. No goddam friends, } nobody to fuck, no girlfriends ever, no romance in my life, nothing. } Everybody despises me. I'm getting old and my health is going bad, and } I'll die in twenty years or so, prematurely aged, worn down by too much } booze and too much loneliness and a broken heart that could never heal. } I have been crushed time and again by failure and neglect and } opprobrium, and in a little while I'm just going to give up and get a } job that will allow me enough money to eat and indulge in constant } boozing. } } Damn you all. Damn you all to Hell. Too bad that there is now very } little chance that mankind will be destroyed in a nuclear holocaust. } Everybody is utterly and totally despicable, and therefore I despise } everyone including myself. We all deserve to die in torments and then } suffer for eternity in Hell. } } Then again, I could just be full of shit. A few laxative pills could } give me a much happier view of the world and of myself. } } You owe the Oracle a couple of Dulcolax. And a more-positive } self-image. } } And a big hug. Hold me tight, I'm so afraid. --- 302-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christopher Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wonderous Oracle... > > Can I borrow Lisa for the evening? I've had a rough day and could > sure use a little net.stimulation. > > In the alternative, can you recommend a good movie to pick up from > Blockbuster? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Borrowing Lisa is rather difficult to arrange. Her INET address is not } widely known, and she only has capabilities to have two users logged in } at once. The Oracle has root privileges and frequently exercises these } by tying up both login ports for hours at a time. } } Even so, many wish to use these facilities. Phones would dial the } local annex for weeks at a time, waiting to get onto one of the two } ports. It got so bad that in 1984, the Lisaco Management made a } landmark decision in which it was decided to establish a queue, by } which each prospective user would join the queue and wait in line for } exclusive access to the single available login port (the Oracle } reserving the other) for a period of time not exceeding six hours. The } queue is frequently suspended so that the Oracle can use both ports for } "maintenance purposes." The queue is currently extended out to } September of 2019, which really means a waiting period of some 300-400 } years. } } I would say that you need to find other alternatives. It is possible } to buy a position near the head of the queue on the black market, but } the price is reckoned as being the equivalent of a year's salary for } any time within the next five years. You might also look at some of } the timesharing options. This is sort of related to those timeshare } apartments in Death Valley, and also sort of related to 'timeshare' } interactive processing on some of the older computer systems. You buy } an hour within the next year for slightly less than it costs to put a } man on Mars. However, the various terms and conditions associated with } these timeshare options make resale difficult, despite the popularity } of the "holiday place." } } Looks like you'll have to resort to the video option. Fortunately, the } Oracle has seen the latest releases, and can present a list of those } that the Oracle especially recommends. } } 1: "Chainsaws Slicing Up Midwestern Townspeople Put to Music" } (1990, CBS/FOX, (M), 88 mins): Like a musical version of the "Texas } Chainsaw Massacre." An especially good bit is where six } well-choreographed chainsaw-toting mean dudes slice up the residents of } a nursing home while singing "I Did It My Way." } Rating: *** } } 2: "Revenge of the McDonald's Patrons" (1989, MGM, [PG], 93 mins): A } group of seven regular and slightly drunk McDonald's customers think up } some new uses for hamburger pickles, day-old French Fries and drink } ice. Also features "the world's longest straw," Dan Quayle the Rat and } his Merrie Men (in a scene reminiscent of "Fawlty Towers") and Ronald } McDonald smoking a Dynamite cigarette. } Rating: *** } } 3: "Douglas and David Do Detroit" (1990, Independent, , 78 mins): } Douglas and his mate David have a competition to see who could lay the } most Detroit women in two weeks. Only avoided an X rating because of } some financial incentive provided to the censors. } Rating: ** 1/2 } } 4: "Gerbils in Space" (1989, CBS/FOX, (M), 85 mins): After reading } the newsgroup alt.tasteless, two hundred gerbils take off to establish } a colony of gerbils on Mars. The mincer and blender scenes are } particularly graphic, so don't eat until this scene is over. Features } twelve solar-powered gerbils and George the Nine-Foot Wonder Gerbil } in imitation of the llamas in Monty Python's Quest for the Holy Grail. } Rating ** 1/2 } } Also recommended is its sequel: } } 5: "Lemmings in Space (1990, CBS/FOX, (M), 91 mins): Since the bad } press related to the lemming made fun of their habit of jumping off } cliffs, they decided to demonstrate once and for all how brave they } really were. So they build their spaceship "Go Jump In The Lake" and } take off to Mars. Features the Two Hundred and Twenty Third Annual } Lemming Surfing Competition and Lifesaving Events. } Rating ** 1/2 } } I hope this is enough viewing to waste an evening. } } You owe the Oracle another lunch break. I've totally trashed this one. --- 302-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Mr. Oracle, > > It has come to our attention that for the past several millenia > you have been acting in violation of Article 57 Section 132 Paragraph > 89.52j of the Super Omnipotent Beings Penal Code. For your edification > the code reads as follows: > > Repetitive and flagrant abuse of worshippers in the > form of verbal and/or physical attacks is strictly > prohibited. > > It has come to our attention that recently you threatened to allow > the Tiny Purple Beings of the Planet Snurfl to destroy the planet Earth > for violation of their rather unusual copyright laws. Furthermore, it > wasn't even the people of Earth who had violated these laws, but you > yourself, and you were not going to defend the planet for some imagined > attack on your veracity. Well, we at Universal Central Super Power > Command have stepped in and your petty thievery from these rather > gullible mortals is at an end. > > You are hearby presented with a cease and desist all miracles > order, whereupon you must give up your title as Oracle, and stop doleing > out your wisdom. To take your place, we are leaving Irving, who shall > take your office and all the benefits thereof (including the conjugal > visits of Lisa the net.sex.goddess), until such time as you can prove > that you have changed heart. > > Signed, > > The Committee for Super Being Benevolence And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Right, I'm outa here. } } } } Lisa: There, that's much better. Too bad that I had to get rid of } Lisa's soul, but I needed a nice body. Well, I'm now Lisa, and I'm off } to start a wonderful career in the porno industry. It's been nice } being the Oracle, but it's going to be nicer being Lisa. --- 302-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Do plants have feelings and if so, what do they feel about the > national trace deficit? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } They feel frondship and releaf, but not much else. Neither one of } these applies to the trace deficit. } } Wait a minute. there isn't a trace deficit.