From oracle-request Thu May 16 08:45:43 1991 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Thu, 16 May 91 08:45:43 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #306 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: "9e\S&XFxP?L)~?^jbHC!$jk5#O}v\n#nwz8'd$#(H,+B4n<^{GSCr,![PCrQOV1 nW{vh|Ev<)b!y?'?aysJ)3YJ_/sOl@a'lKaG,uk|Xh3mR+xa]XJ!$vqAjQe?.nst;0/"u?M2K~rC6k~ |)'uWrn%alJW'QwwJJ441kc,m.C!?:EP49(+ X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with "faces". From the iuvax archive today. === 306 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #306 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Thu, 16 May 91 08:45:43 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg: 200 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 301 7 votes 04210 03220 03220 03211 01330 12301 05101 14110 11410 14110 301 2.7 mean 2.6 2.9 2.9 3.0 3.3 2.7 2.6 2.3 2.7 2.3 --- 306-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why am I attracted to other women, when my wife is so beautiful? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No. Not another ``I can't understand women'' question. At least this } one's already married. Better than the ``How can I get laid'' variety. } } Would you like to know how to get laid? No? Alright, I'll tell you } why you are attracted to other women. Because you're normal. } } Don't like that answer? Errr. They exist only to test your } willpower, fortitude, stamina, heavy breathing ability.... } } No? Your brain is in your - we'll forget that one for the moment. } } Alright. The real reason is that men and women are attract each } other the same way that little particles do. Except the ones that spin } the wrong way. And they don't taste any good anyway. } } Just remember, it doesn't matter where you get your appetite, as } long as you get your dinner at home. } } You owe the oracle (incarnated as mark@maths.su.oz.au) a dirty } weekend with all the other women you fancy. The oracle trusts your } taste in women. The oracle also likes to eat out regularly. --- 306-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle, whose steady and consistent wisdom provides a beacon of hope > and light in this abysmal world of darkness, sadness, and computers, > grant me an answer to this most perplexing problem.... > > Where did all the flashing lights from the front of computers go to? > Will they return one day to cast their friendly incandescent glow over > our labours, or have they vanished forever? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } WELL! That was a sufficiently sycophantic mode of address. Let me } wipe the sweat off my brow and bring monsoon season to Asia after all } that worship! Whew! } } Anyway, to your question. Actually, friend, the flashing lights on } the front of computer have a comet-like orbit, and thus, only approach } the Earth once every great while. Of course, we could only appreciate } the lights the last time they came around, because we had the computers } then. They _will_ return in the future. The far future, to be exact. } You see, very few people know this, but the writers and the set } designers for the original Star Trek are actually prophets for that era } of human development. They actually knew what was going to happen; that } a swaggering, womanizing, over-acting, melodramatic captain of a } starship was going to cruise the galaxy, hunting for babes and that } flashing lights were to once again dominate computer displays and } terminals! Amazing? No, because I'm the Oracle, wise and true. } } You owe the Oracle a three-way bulb of Death. --- 306-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Mighty and Powerful Oracle, you think you're pretty funny, don't you? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } There are three kinds of people- } those who can add, and those who can't. --- 306-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christopher Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Mmmmmm-MMMMMM!! A plate of STEAMING PIECES of a PIG mixed > with the shreds of SEVERAL CHICKENS!!... Oh BOY!! I'm > about to swallow a TORN-OFF section of a COW'S LEFT LEG > soaked in COTTONSEED OIL and SUGAR!! .. Let's see.. > Next, I'll have the GROUND-UP flesh of CUTE, BABY LAMBS > fried in the MELTED, FATTY TISSUES from a warm-blooded > animal someone once PETTED!! ... YUM!! That was GOOD!! > For DESSERT, I'll have a TOFU BURGER with BEAN SPROUTS > on a stone-ground, WHOLE WHEAT BUN!! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah, Code 49B! Let me check my code book and figure out your } question... } } Pass 1: Strip non capitalized words and non-words from message: } } STEAMING PIECES PIG SEVERAL CHICKENS BOY TORN-OFF COW'S LEFT LEG } COTTONSEED OIL SUGAR GROUND-UP CUTE BABY LAMBS MELTED FATTY TISSUES } PETTED YUM GOOD DESSERT TOFU BURGER BEAN SPROUTS WHOLE WHEAT BUN } } Pass 2: Remove consonants from non-food items, vowels from food items: } } EAI IEE PG EEA CHCKNS BY O-O CWS E LG CTTNSD L SGR OU-U UE BBY LMBS EE } A IUE EE U OO DSSRT TF BRGR BN SPRTS OE WHT BN } } Pass 3: Matrix: } } EAIIEEPGEEAC } HCKNSBYO-OCW } SELGCTTNSDLS } GROU-UUEBBYL } MBSEEAIUEEEU } OODSSRTTFBRG } RBNSPRTSOEWH } TBN000000000 } } Pass 4: Graphic Analysis: } } Oh, it's obviously a portrait of Elvis. Before he went to pot. } Your question must relate to this somehow... I know! You want to } know when he's making his comeback tour! Sorry, I can't reveal } that information publicly, but since you asked so nicely, I'll } answer in code: } } AAARrggghhghghhh!!!!!!!! BIG TOASTY muffins with FAUX MARGARINE attack } my SOUL with their PAINFUL OAT BRAN!! Demons INFEST my MICROWAVE oven } and BRAND my TEEVEE DINNERS with PENTAGRAMS!! TASTE the TEENAGE MUTANT } ninja turtle PUDDING PIE with RETROMUTAGEN ooze. VANILLA ICE grabs my } TESTES with ZEST!! Final BLISS comes with RAINING TURKEYS frozen with } PEAS!!!!!!!!!!! } } You owe the Oracle a new Radioactive Man decoder ring. --- 306-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: The Great Squid The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What a difference a date makes ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Fondue and french fries and elegant pate', } Big Macs and Pop Rocks and cinnamon latte', } Tequila with toothpaste and bicarbonate, } All suffer when compared with our friend the date! } } Eggplant au gratin with pickled French poodle, } Apricot poptarts with squirt cheese and noodles, } Give protein and iron and carbohydrates, } But NONE of them in such a way as them dates! } } A date's got pizazz that's alone among fruit, } A sticky black pit and a penchant for poot, } It's wrinkly and gross! It smells kinda skanky! } It's A-number-one when your bowels are cranky! } } Yes, the Oracle loves dates, to pluck them and pit them, } to suck them, and slice them, and squeeze them, and spit them! } Oh, his life without dates would be quite dull indeed. } And you ask, "What a difference!?" } } You owe me a Thneed. --- 306-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Great and Mighty Oracle, you rascal, you: > > People are always throwing carrots at me. When I leave my apartment, > there are usually about half a dozen people that have been collecting > during the night to throw carrots at me. When I enter a classroom, > the professor and about two-thirds of my fellow students throw > carrots at me. When I go to a movie, over the course of two hours, > almost everybody in the theatre and lobby throws carrots at me. > I don't think I like it. How can I get them to st-- Hey! Put that > down! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Put what down? You mean this... oh, well, I was just going to, um, } ah, I was ... you see, this ... ah, it, um,..... } } AAAAAAAAAEEEEEEEEIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!! } } *********RRRIP********** } } My Goodness, what in the dickens was | What the hell is going on? } that? | } Gosh, it looks like I, the great and | } almighty Oracle, have been fork'ed into | } two different processes! | Oh Yeah? Fork you! } | } Apperently, I have a good and an evil | } side... | And I suppose I'm evil. } | } Sorry, buddy. That's the way the cookie| } crumbles. | Look, you bloated excuse for } | a worm-ridden cadaver, as long } | as we're split up like this, } | I think it's time you knew a } | few things about yourself. } Really. | Yes, Really. And I want more } | r o o m. } Hey! Quit that! | Nothin doin', mule feces. I } | am getting SICK and TIRED of } | your canned responses for } | these pitiful questions we } | get. } If I weren't so good, I'd probably | } call you something evil, like a | } pile of incorrectly cut daisies! | } | Go sit on something sharp. } | What I'm talking about are } | those stupid infocom rip-off } | responses... } | } | > BLOW SELF } | It is difficult to do this as } | you are surrounded by } | porcupines that prevent ex- } | posure of certain body parts. } | etc, etc...will you get a } | life? } >HIT EVIL SELF WITH PORCUPINE | Hey! OW! } | Oh yeah? >DROP TWO TON WEIGHT } | ON GOOD SELF'S TERMINAL } _)(G*po3598Gm,46s9*(*nglkjGtOIJ | (Tee hee hee.) } THat WAsN"t VERy niCe. | Having keyboard problems? } i'Ll ManaGE< THanK yOU. | } LOok, ThiS ISNt gETTing Us ANY_ | } whERE. Do YUO thInK tHaT if WE | } BoTH StOPped oUR PRoceSses wITH | } A CnTRl-Z we CoUlD MayBe gEt | } BaCk TOGeTher? | I guess it sounds fine to me. } Okay, } | On the count of three, hit } | control-Z. } | One, } | } | Two, } | } | Three! } ^Z | ^A Whoops! My finger slipped! } | Are you there, Good Self? } | } | Well, I guess you won't mind, } | then... } | } | } | Whew, that's better. } | Anyway, regarding your question, "Why do people throw Carrots at me", } | My only response is "be glad they aren't throwing toasters." } | } | You owe the Oracle a good backrub, three spare toothbrushes, and } | a Small Amphibian. --- 306-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Will Huan and Val get married? What will their parents say??? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } They will get married, but not to each other. Huan and Val will } break up following this argument: } } Val: Hon'? } Huan: Did you just say "Huan" or "Hon'"? } Val: Hon'. } Huan: Which? } Val: Hon'! } Huan: Enuciate! } Val: Hon', you stupid goof, hon'! } Huan: We're getting no where. } Val: I said, Hon'! } Huan: You're being obtuse on purpose. } Val: H-O-N-apostrophe. } Huan: Great. Thanks. Wonderful. What? } Val: Never mind. } } The bitterness and resentment will grow from there and they will } drift apart as Huan starts purposely confusing Val's name with } BASIC's string-to-numeric command. Their parents will be relieved, } as, I think, will the rest of the world. } } You owe the Oracle a promise that you won't show this to either Huan } or Val. --- 306-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > MERYL STREEP is my obstetrician! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Lucky you. I've got Clint Eastwood as my dentist, and Woody Allen as my } psychiatrist. } "I see you've been eating sugar again." } "Uhhahhngghh" } "Well, punk "" do you feel lucky ?" } " UUHSCHUUUTTT!!" } } I won't do the Woody Allen bit. Quite frankly, I had to talk him out of } jumping during our last session, and then he charged me $50 an hour ! } } You owe the Oracle a Users Guide to the AMA. --- 306-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is the secret to invisibility? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The secret to invisibility? Where's the grovelling? Where's } the self-abasement? You actually expect me to answer your question } without putting yourself down sufficiently? Get a clue you festering } pile of parrot droppings! Begone before I taunt you a second time, } you silly king! } } Seriously, the secret to invisibility is simple. Hang out } with Stevie Wonder and be really really quiet. Then, your invisible. } QED. } Have a day. } O. --- 306-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: bjb@hubcap.clemson.edu (BJ Backitis (KM4RB)) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is Kraft Macaroni and Cheese difficult to make? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes, insolent one, it is VERY difficult to make, especially when you } don't have hands -- a condition you may soon experience due to your } lack of sufficient respect for The Oracle! } } Of course, this is only from an end user perspective. Let us take a } short journey to Battle Ax, Michigan, where the Kraft Company union } bakers are hard at work producing macaroni and cheese -- or, "Kraft } Cheese and Macaroni," as they now fondly refer to it. Please note the } difference. "Cheese" before "Macaroni." What gifted marketers!! } } As we stop outside the plant door, we are greeted by Mimi, our bouncy, } perky, and peppy Kraft Plant Tour Guide. Mimi shakes our hands } vigorously and tells us enthusiastically about a hundred times that } she's glad to meet us. She provides us with official Kraft } Protecto-Smocks and hardhats, and we enter the big metal doors. } } Inside, bakers are busily hurrying and scurrying about, pouring tons of } processed, purified, petrified, percolated white flour into enormous } bubbling vats. We stare in awe as the vats churn and spin. We watch } as gallons of milk, streams of eggs, and beaches of salt are added to } the mixture, which is now congealing into enough dough to cover Coney } Island. } } "Over there," Mimi squawks in her annoyingly girlish twang, finger } pointed to a network of hoses nearly obscured by the vats "is where the } dough comes out into the Pasta-izers, which make that neat little elbow } macaroni shape that families across America love so much." We watch } expectantly, and sure enough, the hoses wriggle, and through the other } end, miles and miles of wet macaroni noodles spew forth. It's amazing, } in a sickening kind of way. } } "It takes approximately four hours for the wet macaroni dough to harden } into the dry, brittle, plastic consistency that we ship it in." Mimi } explains as we walk to the conveyor belt where miles of noodles are } traveling up into an unseen chamber beyond. "That's the drying room. } Temperatures in the drying rooms are a constant 285 degrees Farenheit. } This is the ideal drying temperature." Mimi continues to explain with } a smile that we can't actually go into the drying rooms, or we'll get } severely burned. We chuckle briefly, and continue on. } } We stop at a large viewing area outside the middle of the drying room. } At the exact center of the drying room is the Cutting Room, where } massive blades spin continuously on an enormous fanbelt-like } contraption. The macaroni noodles are cut "in mid-dry," Mimi explains, } "so that they're not too soft nor too hard. Just like the beds in } Goldilocks and the Three Bears!" We laugh again and, as Mimi turns } away, roll our eyes at eachother and shrug our shoulders. } } "Now we come to the highlight of the tour!" Mimi announces gleefully. } "The Cheese!!" Ooh, the Cheese! We've finally come to the Cheese. We } are very excited. } } Before entering the Cheese Room, Mimi hands us Kraft Protective } Goggles, so we aren't blinded by the dazzling dayglow orange chemicals } that give the Cheese its familiar color. } } We enter. } } Even with our goggles in place, the Cheese Room is startlingly bright. } Huge silver cannisters glow brilliantly with their flourescent orange } contents. Human forms cloaked in aluminum-colored suits man mysterious } levers and switches safely above the tops of the cannisters. The rich } smells of romano, cheddar, parmesan, and sulfur are stifling. We can } hardly breathe. We lean against a column for support while our heads } clear, and our lungs adjust to the feeling of having too little oxygen. } } "It took more than twenty years to perfect the Cheese recipe," Mimi } recites as we regain our senses. "Years of research and millions of } dollars have resulted in the 'sauce' you and your families now enjoy in } your homes. I can't tell you exactly what goes into the Cheese. It's } a closely guarded secret. But I can tell you that the Cheese powder } has roughly the same nutritional value as Tang. The first astronauts } could have substituted a glass of Kraft Cheese in their daily } breakfasts, and come out in tip top physical shape." We are impressed, } although queazy, at the prospect. } } Mimi leads us into a small white office tucked against the base of the } far wall in the Cheese Room. Inside, we are introduced to Jack, the } Cheese Room General Manager. He shakes our hands firmly, and we note } the seemingly permanent orange tint on his fingers. } } "The Cheese Room wasn't always the picture of precision it is today." } Jack tells us in his bellowing voice. "Years before Cheese research } was completed, the Cheese was produced in large vats, similar to the } ones in which the dough is made. And everyone wore Smocks, like yours. } After an unfortunate incident occured years ago, we re-examined our } safety measures and implemented the procedures you see today." } } Jack points to a newspaper clipping on the wall. It shows a neat, } grinning, dark-haired young man, probably a college photo, and the } front yard of a small house being scoured by policemen and dogs. We } read as Jack recounts the story of this man, a former Cheese Room } worker, who started complaining of frequent headaches and slowly began } suffering from a personality disorder. "No one noticed at first," Jack } said solemnly, "but one day, Robert didn't come into work and he didn't } call. He was always real responsible. So someone went to check on } him..." } } Apparently, Robert had purchased a shotgun and slaughtered his wife and } three children. He was discovered still in the house, naked and } drooling, yelling "It told me to do it! It said 'Robert, I'm the } Cheesiest! I'm the Cheesiest!! Kill your family, Robert! Kill your } family!!!'" } } "A terrible, terrible thing," Jack says quietly. We stand, heads } bowed, in a moment of silence. "On the other hand," Jack perks up, "it } resulted in one helluvan advertising campaign!" } } We say our goodbyes to Jack, and Mimi leads us to the Kraft Guest } Center, where we return our Smocks and Goggles, and are offered } beverages and snacks. Mimi thanks us profusely for coming today, } shaking our hands vigorously yet again. We are each given three boxes } of "Kraft Cheese and Macaroni," and we exchange final pleasantries and } exit the Kraft Plant. } } Once outside, we quickly deposit the "Kraft Cheese and Macaroni" in the } garbage, and rush to our cars, never to return. } } So you now see that not only is "Kraft Cheese and Macaroni" difficult } to make, it is, in fact, unfit for human consumption. } } You owe The Oracle a large box of Rolaids.