From oracle-request Mon May 20 16:51:50 1991 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Mon, 20 May 91 16:51:50 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #308 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: "9e\S&XFxP?L)~?^jbHC!$jk5#O}v\n#nwz8'd$#(H,+B4n<^{GSCr,![PCrQOV1 nW{vh|Ev<)b!y?'?aysJ)3YJ_/sOl@a'lKaG,uk|Xh3mR+xa]XJ!$vqAjQe?.nst;0/"u?M2K~rC6k~ |)'uWrn%alJW'QwwJJ441kc,m.C!?:EP49(+ X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with "faces". From the iuvax archive today. === 308 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #308 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Mon, 20 May 91 16:51:50 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg: 200 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 303 11 votes 01370 05600 04421 03530 12620 11342 36200 13331 23231 11522 303 2.9 mean 3.5 2.5 3.0 3.0 2.8 3.5 1.9 3.0 2.8 3.3 --- 308-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I am a purchaser of fortune cookies... > not only do they taste good, but I've heard from a reliable > source that the printing machine that dumps out all the fortunes > has recently aquired AI status and now actually looks ahead > to really read fortunes- in this manner, she (the AI) gives the > right fortunes to the right people. My last two fortunes were: > To gain love, love and be loveable. > and > You will be successful with love. > Now, I'm asking you under what conditions will these prophesies > come true... > thank you, oh mighy oracle- may your name be laid down upon the > scroll work of emperors- may your face be printed on the currency > of America... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle's face already appears on American currency, Unobservant } One. Check out the back side of a one-dollar bill. Look at the } left-hand medallion. See the floating eye over the pyramid? That's } the one. Rather flattering likeness, don't you think? } } Fortune cookies are outside the Oracle's regular field of expertise - } not that the Oracle doesn't KNOW how and when and whether the fortunes } will come true, it's just that fortune cookies are handled by a } different deity. Better not to wander into another god's territory if } it ain't necessary, you know? So, let's just go straight to the } source: A nice, fresh bag of fortune cookies. } Normally, fortunes are focused only on the cookie-breaker, but as a } deity, the Oracle can re-orient them on your problems, and act as } intermediary for you. OK, here goes... CRUNCH! } } Love will soon come your way. } } Well, that's a promising start, isn't it? Maybe we can get a better } fix on it... taptapTAP CRACK! Hm, a tough one! } } Be patient and you will have all your wishes. } } Not very useful. Maybe one more... TCHUK! } } Ask too many questions; receive too many answers! } } Hmmm, someone seems to be getting a mite tetchy. Well, this is in a } good cause, right? So... BREAK! } } Don't take a hint, do you? You will live in miserable, } diseased loneliness and get your kicks from soiled underwear. } } Oops. Talk about a short temper! } } You owe the Oracle a quart of hot and sour soup, steamed dumplings, } noodles in sesame sauce, and Hunan garlic beef, to go. --- 308-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O cryptic and confusing oracle, > Is there anything that you don't know? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } What kind of supplication is that? Cryptic, confusing! We are the } almighty Oracle source of truth and beauty! Not only are you } disrespectful in your supplication, you ask one of the most impertinant } questions that we are plagued with. We are tired of being asked is } there anything we don't know! Ask yourself, have any of your questions } gone unanswered? Ask yourself, who would be foolhardy enough to go } into the oracle business if there was something unknown to them? There } have been a few, but the Oracle is not among them. We will tell you of } one such case however, Apollo's Delphic Oracle. } } The responsibility for the mishap was entirely Apollo's, since he was } the authority that the Delphic Oracle's reputation was based. Apollo's } greatest fault was that he was't hip to the concept of change. He and } his pals up on Olympus fully expected to rule the roost over the } Mediterranean forever, and gave no thought to cultural changes that } would occur. So, when a far thinking individual from Britain made the } onorous journy to Delphi to ask, "Will Elvis Presley or Buddy Holly be } King in the land across the water?" Apollo was stumped. The deity of } CULTURE and MUSIC had no concept of Rock and Roll, which was in his } sphrere of influence and had had the groundwork laid for it by the } Egyptians and Babylonians 500 years before. He should have known Elvis } would be King, but he didn't even understand the basis of the question. } Feeling quite flustered, Apollo hedged and came to the traveler later } disguised as Anubis and killed him in a copse of standing stones, } unwittingly setting the precedent that would become Heavy Metal rock } and roll. His disguise didn't work well and soon the entire Hellenic } world knew that Apollo had blown a question for the Delphic Oracle and } had killed the enquirant. People stopped coming to the Oracle, and she } starved to death, and much later Rome conquered Greece. With this } precedent in mind, you can be damn sure that we, the Usenet Oracle made } damned sure that there was nothing that we didn't know before going } into the oracle business. } } You owe the oracle a velvet potrait of the King. --- 308-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh preantepenultimate Oracle: > > What are the top 10 "top 10" questions lists? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } TOP TEN WAYS FOR THE ORACLE TO DEAL WITH FOOLS WHO ASK QUESTIONS LIKE } THIS: ================================================================== } 10) Use his phone for obscene calls to the IRS Caller-ID line. } 9) Tear out his tongue with rusty pliers, and make sandwiches. } 8) Sell him into slavery at a filthy 17th century brothel in Syria. } 7) rm -r ~$SUPPLICANT } 6) 17 varieties of insect parasites. } 5) Long, explicit postings in his name on alt.sex.* } 4) Fry his ass with 10,000 volts through the keyboard. } 3) How'd you like to spend the next five years as a gecko? } 2) Brightly-colored fungus infections. } } And the number one way for the Oracle to deal with fools who ask } questions like this: } } 1) "Dear Cthulu, About that favor you owed me...?" } } You owe the Oracle --- 308-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: arf@mentor.cc.purdue.edu (The Nefarious Scotto) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh greater than mediocre Oracle, whose feet I am worthy to lick, whose > shoes I may gratuitively shine... > > Hi dad, did you know you had a son? > Did you intentionally leave Mom while she was pregnant with me? > Why did you do it Oracle? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } HA!!!! Thou sexist of all sexist swines! By what feeble intelligence } dost thou suppose that the Great and Wonderful Oracle is of the MALE } gender???? She is far too wise to wear boxer shorts!!! } Next time you address the great and wonderous ORACLE, you will begin: } Her Royal Highness Queen Oracle! } (your MAMA!) --- 308-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Russell S Porter The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wiser than Margaret Thatcher oracle, tell me why communism cannot > work as a democracy? Or, why capitalism, when totalitarian, is better? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah, you don't understand the fundamental nature of these systems. The } Oracle will explain. } } Communism is an economic and social system in which the means of } production are controlled by the workers, and each man receives from } the collective what he needs to maintain a standard of living equal } to all others. The state relinquishes all control to the } collective, which organizes at all levels for the good of society as } a whole. All class distinctions are extinguished, and the motive of } personal gain is replaced by collective good. Of course, in } practice, the state must oversee the transition from the privatized, } class-ridden hierarchical economy to the final collective society, } and thus cannot allow individual initiative to conflict with the } central policy, which ensures the greatest good for the whole while } eliminating the blood-sucking overclass, which is itself. } } Um. Let's try that from the other direction. } } Capitalism, of course, is an economic system in which each man and } the occasional woman can achieve his (or her) goals through his (oh, } forget it) efforts, thus rewarding those who contribute most to the } society by maximizing their own profits at the expense of those who } have less drive and initiative and different colored skin and funny } accents, and eventually succeeds to the point that he can buy his } way into the ruling class, which compassionately provides for the } less fortunate by lowering capital gains taxes so that the increased } profits will trickle down into the safety net. Of course, in } practice, the state must oversee the organization of all efforts to } improve the state of society as a whole, and thus cannot allow } individual initiative to conflict with the central policy, which } ensures the greatest good for the whole while balancing the needs of } the underclass against the comfort of the bllodsucking upper class, } which is itself... } } Hmm, here we are again. One more try. } } Rich or poor, it's better to be rich. } } YES! That's the idea! } } You owe the Oracle a Voodoo Economist doll. --- 308-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: felton@sci34hub.sci.com (Ed Felton) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O wise and even wiser Oracle, > Some say the world will end in fire, others say in ice. > What do you say? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hmmm. The end of the world, let me see. } } 99.758.4638 Omni Unix (lard.ofu.limbo.dantenet) (tty09) } login: oracle } Password: } Last login 2 Feb 1379 on tty09 } =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= } L A R D V A X } serving limbo with mediocrity since time began } =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= } You have new mail. } No new messages. } } % worldsim } +-------------------------------------------------------------+ } | World Simulator | } | | } | version 2.1 | } +-------------------------------------------------------------+ } type 'connect [simulation name] [password]' to access a simulation } type 'help' for a list of commands } type 'sysop' to get the attention of a system operator } System operators currently logged on are: Peter John } connect Earth nixon } } Accessing data base.......... } } Earth> help prediction } } prediction [-abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQZ] event } [bdycnd[, bdycnd [, bdycnd [ ... ] ] ] ] } Runs simulation until 'event' occurs. Optional boundry conditions } specified by 'bdycnd's. If no boundry conditions are given, the default } starting point is current point in timeframe. See the World Simulator } Programmer's Handbook Vol MMMDCCXCVIII for a complete list of options. } } Earth> prediction terminus } } working........... } ^Z } Stopped } % bg 1 } % rogue } [ transcript deleted due to security reasons ] } % fg 1 } ........... } Calculations complete. } Events leading up to event: terminus } -Operation Desert Shield } -Operation Desert Storm } -Death of President Bush in bizzare gardening accident } -Impeachment of President Quayle } -Chernobyl II meltdown } -Freak Malt-o-Meal Comet collides with planet drowning all } inhabitants } Earth>quit } Updating data base: Earth. } } %logout } } Well there you have it, neither fire nor ice. The world will end in } Malt-o-Meal. You owe the Oracle six trillion gallons of molasses, and } a large spoon. --- 308-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christopher Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > man oracle And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } oracle } (17) } } Name } oracle - answers questions, mostly about sex } } Command Syntax } none. You _don't_ command the Oracle to do anything. You } grovel. } } Grovel Syntax } mail oracle [@address] } Subject: [sub1] tell me [sub2] } Body: [flatter-oracle] [grovel-oracle] question-body } } Description } The Oracle answers any question posed to it. Most of these } questions are sexual in nature (see lisa(17), teddy_bear(8), } and pretty much all of chapter 69). } } The flatter-oracle and grovel-oracle are not strictly } necessary to receive an answer, but a small bug in the Oracle } programs results in lightning bolts in such cases, and so they } are strongly recommended. } } The question-body should consist of a single question, } grammatically well phrased, containing no typos or spelling } mistakes, and most importantly, not SHOUTED. } } The Oracle will return an answer to the question whenever it } feels like. (No, you can't hurry the Oracle). } } Options } } -w Identifies questioner as a 'weenie'. Such a questioner } may ask stupid questions, and not use the flatter-oracle } and grovel-oracle sections. Weenies are usually not long } for this world. } } -l Marks a question specifically about Lisa, the Oracle's } nymph and snugglebunny. A question -l on the FAQ of Lisa } questions will be handled by the Oracular parser, others } will be answered directly by the Oracle, and passed to } the top of the question stack. } } -u Requests a UNIX-based answer. This usually takes the } form of a shell script or an interactive Oracle session, } and often comes complete with message from } god@heaven.heaven.com. } } -b A questioner using the -b option is blasted, verbally, } emotionally, and possibly with lightning by the Oracle, } for the amusement of the Priesthood. Make sure your mail } handler does not randomly insert '-b' in the To: field. } } See Also } lisa(17), query(1), grovel(3) --- 308-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh awesome Oracle, whose mighty wisdom has proved to be statistically > deviant on 17 Federally registered intelligence surveys, and whose > voluptuous female companion (Hi, Lisa!) figures promenantly in the > late-night musings of computer nerds around the world, please enlighten > me: > > Who was the first person to eat Limburger Cheese, and what were they > thinking about at the time? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, the spelling's a little off ("prominently" and "cheese"), } but if Lisa will forgive you, We will. } } [Hushed whispering offline] } } Yes, she definitely will, provided you...um... } We're sorry; this is a PG-rated incarnation... } but you have definitely earned an answer worthy of the gods. } } The first person to eat Limburger cheese... } } was Art Limburger of Beverly Hills, CA. } } [ } Screen de-rezzes, then resolves to show an elderly man in his } brown-and-gold Contour chair with the special massage and } warmth attachments. The chair is pointed at the 25-inch } color television; the television is playing a rerun of } _Charlie's_Angels_ with the volume just a little too loud. } The elderly man (ART) turns in the chair to face the open } door behind the chair. } ] } } ART (not unkindly): Mari-i-i-i-i-i-ia! } } [ } MARIA, dressed in a nondescript maid's costume, obviously } harried by all her chores as well as unsettled by her } two-day-old cold, pokes her head into the doorway. } ] } } MARIA (a touch exasperated): Yes, Mr. Limburger? } } ART: Could I have something to snack on? Maybe something } on a bagel? [Turns back to face television.] } } MARIA (resigned): Yes, Mr. Limburger. } } [ } MARIA goes into kitchen, gets plate, knife, and bagel, } slices bagel with knife and puts both on plate... } now searches in refrigerator...doesn't find anything. } Finally sees tub of cheese on countertop, puts on plate, } and carries plate into TV room. } What MARIA doesn't know is that the "cheese" is actually } car wax left there by Miguel the chauffeur. There's no } marking on the tub, and she can't smell it because of } her cold. } In the TV room, ART is losing interest in the show. } ] } } ART (thinking aloud): What would I like on that bagel? } Some salmon would be nice... } } [ } Just then, MARIA puts the plate on ART's lap. } ] } } MARIA (briskly): Here you are. Mr. Limburger. [She pivots } and exits back through the door.] } } ART (looking at tub): What is this, Maria? [Looks behind him; } sees that she's already gone; looks down again.] } I have no idea what this is...I won't eat it. } I wish she had gotten me some salmon. } } [ } ART looks back up at the television, forgetting the plate } temporarily, and is transfixed by Farrah Fawcett-Majors' } (that's just plain "Farrah Fawcett" now, isn't it...) lovely, } flowing, blond hair. ART absentmindedly spreads some of the } "cheese" on the bagel, thinks one more time about the salmon, } sees the hair again, and then eats the bagel. } } After the show goes to a commercial, ART realizes that he's } never tasted anything like this "cheese" before. } ] } } ART (excited): Maria! Mari-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-ia! } } MARIA (poking head into doorway, more than a touch exasperated): } Yes, Mr. Limburger? } } ART: This is wonderful stuff, Maria! What is it? } } MARIA (with a little hesitation): I think it's a kind of cheese, } Mr. Limburger. } } ART: I've never had anything like this, Maria! It's really good. } I could go into business selling this...I could... } [MARIA goes back into kitchen; ART doesn't notice.] } I could do my own TV commercials...and call it... } Limburger cheese! I'll do it. } [ } Unfortunately, ART's wide television exposure to the senior } demographic group -- none of whom who can smell or taste } any better than ART can --- guarantees millions in sales... } and the rest is history. } } Screen de-rezzes, then returns to normal operating mode. } ] } } So you see, Art was thinking about...golden lox. } } The moral of the story...uh...there isn't one, } except maybe "Don't watch _Charlie's_Angels_." } } You owe the Oracle a king-size Craftmatic bed with the } certificate for a free microwave oven... --- 308-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: felton@sci34hub.sci.com (Ed Felton) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O wiser than a spotted owl oracle, tell me what came before the big > bang, regards the theory of the origins o' UNIVERSE? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Curious, O semi-groveling petitioner, does the Oracle find the wording } of your petition. Confused and ambiguous. You may have noticed that } the "Big Bang Theory" says squat about what happened prior to the big } event. Well, being an immortal and eternal being, I was there to see } the Big Guy's handywork. In fact, He approached me beforehand, to take } part in the finished product. "ORACLE", (He always talks in capital } letters, but you get used to it), "I PLAN ON CREATING A NEW UNIVERSE. } STARS, PLANETS, GALAXIES. IT WILL BE GOOD". This was sounding good to } me too. The ideal vacation spot. Lots of nice scenery. "I AM MAKING } IT FOR MY NEWEST CREATION, MAN". Uh-oh. Trouble in paradise -- it'll } be occupied. Oh, well... "I WISH YOUR HELP. MAN WILL BE IN NEED OF } WISDOM, AND I WANT YOU TO ACT AS AN ACCESS POINT OF WISDOM. YOUR VERY } NAME WILL BE SYNONYMOUS WITH WISDOM AND TRUTH. This could work out } well. An easy job, a good location. If this new "man" screwed up, I } could be in real trouble, but who could screw up the sweetest deal this } side of eternity? } } I should have thought more about that question than I did. But my mind } was on the fireworks. Man, you should have seen it! "LET THERE BE } LIGHT!" And following was such an awesome display of energy released, } that your puny language fails to describe it. "Big bang" indeed. } } Anyway, there was this free will thing, and the snake and the apple -- } all they had to do was stay away from the Tree of Knowledge of Good and } Evil... But NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO... And I did agree to that contract. I } really should have thought more about that question than I did. } } You owe the Oracle a successor, so He can get out of this lousy racket. } In fact... ... YOU'RE IT! } } The Usenet Oracle requires an answer to a never-ending stream of } questions! } } Have a nice eternity. I'm outta here. --- 308-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why it takes you A WEEK to answer a simple question ??? aren't you the > fastest, beside you'r smartest and know-all ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Your question has been translated into modern English, researched and } cross-referenced to provide the most complete background information, } and a deeply insightful and profoundly revealing answer has been } composed instantaneously by the miraculous power of the Oracle's } trans-dimensional network of co-processors, harness for your sole } benefit, a process that would normally require hundreds of man-hours of } arduous work by highly trained, unionized technicians. } } The resulting explanatory paragraphs, which, in addition to } exhaustively enumerating and minutely analyzing all possible } philosophical and teleological aspects of your MOST INTERESTING } question, provide a lengthy and scholarly description of the } psychological maladjustments of all your previous incarnations, have } been inscribed upon several sheets of yellowed notebook paper with a } red Magic Marker. This magnum opus has been wrapped around a three-day } old salmon, packed in bubble-plastic in a large, sturdy trunk, and } shipped by surface mail to a poste-restante address in Hong Kong, where } you may claim it between 1:30 and 4:30 Tuesdays, Thursdays, and } Fridays, by presenting this claim check: } _______________ } | | } ) ADMIT ONE ( } |_____________| } } You owe the Oracle a thank you card from sunny Hong Kong.