From oracle-request Wed Jun 5 17:13:36 1991 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Wed, 5 Jun 91 17:13:36 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #314 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: "9e\S&XFxP?L)~?^jbHC!$jk5#O}v\n#nwz8'd$#(H,+B4n<^{GSCr,![PCrQOV1 nW{vh|Ev<)b!y?'?aysJ)3YJ_/sOl@a'lKaG,uk|Xh3mR+xa]XJ!$vqAjQe?.nst;0/"u?M2K~rC6k~ |)'uWrn%alJW'QwwJJ441kc,m.C!?:EP49(+ X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with "faces". From the iuvax archive today. === 314 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #314 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Wed, 5 Jun 91 17:13:36 -0500 *** Welcome to the the new readers now receiving the Usenet *** Oracularities on GEnie! To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg: 200 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 309 18 votes 5a120 05850 45540 22941 25164 15624 24930 01791 07920 16713 309 2.9 mean 2.0 3.0 2.5 3.0 3.3 3.2 2.7 3.6 2.7 2.9 --- 314-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Who is Joachim Carlos Santos Martillo Ajami? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Don Carlos, as he was know in his old days, was the little-known } inventive force behind the modern tequila bottle. Having devised a } still-secret method for inducing small worms to copulate inside } discarded beer bottles, Don Carlos forever changed the future of } Northwestern Mexico, taking what was once a sleepy, sun-drenched } producer of cactus lamps and changing it into a modern, forward-looking } city--all due to the misguided habits of a set of drunken worms! What } a success story! } } I ask you, where would modern college life be without the "Tequlia } Sunrise"? And how many coeds have sucummed to the thrill of feeling } that little worm trickle down their sleek, sun-taned throats? Standing } there by the bar, in the heat of the warm, sea air, throwing back a } whole line of tequlia shots, their pupils wide with anticipation . . . } } The Oracle feels a nocturnal emission coming on . . . . --- 314-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great Oracle, well-hung diviner, do tell me this, please. Which of > these newsgroups should I create next: sci.video.scuba, > news.hussy.sample, rec.physics.reindeer (maybe more appropriate at > Xmastime), rec.sex.strange, or soc.edu.laundry? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Foolish mortal, you cannot create a newsgroup. All newsgroups which } have existed, do existed, or will exist were created by the net.gods in } the first cataclysmic instant of net.existance, as related in the Book } of DARPA, chapt.1, which reads: } } 1 In the beginning, all was void and without form. And from out of the } formless void was formed a slightly less void void, not devoid of form, } but still formally void. And a great voice spake in the void with lots } of reverb, saying verily "Fiat Lux!" And there were small European } automobiles everywhere. } } 2 And the voice spake again, saying verily "Everyone's a comedian. Let } there be light, already!" And there was light, and it was good. A } little yellow, but good. And all was still void, but you could see it. } } [NB: It goes on like this for several verses before it gets to the } juicy stuff...] } } 12 And the gods parted the domains, and bade them go forth and be } fruitful and multiply, each after his own kind. And the domains went } forth and multiplied, though many wondered if they were really } fruitful. And the domains brought forth sub-domains, and the } sub-domains spawned mailing lists and all was subsumed in flames. } } That doesn't really seem terribly relevant to your question does it? } Well, write it off to oracular obscurity, and go pay your analyst to } help you unravel it. } } You owe the Oracle a 1909 S VDB penny in near-mint condition. And a } double-malted chocolate milk shake to go. --- 314-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, who is spiffier than many, tell me how I may become > one of the priesthood ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } BZZZTTTT! Wrong! I am *not* spiffier than many. I am the *spiffiest*!!. } Now that we've taken care of the small administrative details, let's go } to your question: "I may become one of the priesthood ?". } } First, you gotta have FAITH my son -- You have to belieeeeeeve in the } Oracle allmighty -- (walk accross the stage to the lectern. Open thick } book to random page) -- THIS is the book of revelation!! -- (slap hand } on open book - a cloud of dust rises) -- THESE are the holy man pages } which contain the secret to eternal salvation! -- (pick up book - shake } it violently over head) -- THESE are the words of Oracle, the wisdom of } our leader -- Help us spread these words of WONDER and HAPPINESS to } those poor souls who haven't seen the light yet -- (throw book back on } lectern) -- Sow your seed of FAITH: Go and seek those MS-DOS users. } Tell them about the JOY of UNIX. -- (walk back to lectern - flip book } to marked page) -- Let us be bathed by EMACS-1:UNRESTRICTIONS } } "Eventually GNU (Gnu's Not Unix) will be a complete } replacement for Berkeley Unix. Everyone will be able to use } the GNU system for free" } } I would like to leave you with these words. Words TRUER were never } uttered. Now go in peace and spread the HOLY word of the Oracle... } Don't forget to leave a measure of your appreciation and LOVE for the } Oracle in the baskets located next to every exits. Thank you. } } See, that's easy. Franchises are still available in most part of North } America and everywhere else on your planet. You must have already } purchased 1 hour of Sunday morning air time on your local TV station } before applying. } } Send application to the usual address with the word "sellme" in the } subject line... } } You owe the oracle Oral Roberts's ears --- 314-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christopher Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > OH most awesome and powerful and cute Oracle: > > Will you please, please, please tell me some lies? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } O.K. } } /* Enter mendacious mode... */ } #undef TRUE } #undef FALSE } #define TRUE 0 } #define FALSE 1 } } The earth is flat. All Quebecois are loyal Canadians. Dan Quayle } would make a terrific president. It only rains at night in Camelot. } The cheque is in the mail. Elvis lives! Everything you read or } hear on television is true. This won't hurt a bit. I'll respect } you in the morning. Don't worry about the fine print -- this is a } standard form. Easy assembly instructions included. If you don't } stop it you'll go blind. It's better in the Bahamas. Two can live } as cheaply as one. You can't get pregnant the first time. Don't } worry - I've had a vasectomy. Babies sleep all the time. That dress } is really YOU -- will that be cash or charge? You don't need to back } up -- hard drives are 100% reliable. You're not getting older -- } you're getting better. Mr. Rogers sings like an angel. The customer } is always right. Smoking is cool. Computers never make mistakes. } BASIC is much more powerful than C. ADA is a really neat programming } language. Oh, I just loooove the way you've done your hair! The } value of pi is exactly 3.0. Not one cent of your tax dollar is wasted. } . } . } [9,142,233,123,442,112 more lines deleted for brevity] } . } } /* Exit mendacious mode... */ } #undef TRUE } #undef FALSE } #define TRUE 1 } #define FALSE 0 } } My, that was easy. The truth of the matter is that there are a } LOT more lies than there are truths. Of course, this sentence may be } false. } } You owe the Oracle three Indian fruit bats, two "Dan Quayle for } President -- of the Moon!" buttons and a vial of truth serum. --- 314-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Ultimate Oracle, what keeps a frisbee in the air? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I thought that I would never see, } a question about a frisbee. } } All the things about which I know, } trivialize that disk which you throw. } } But inspite of this naivish query, } I'll elinghten you on frisbee theory: } } It's light center with hard plastic lip, } combined with a toss or gentle flip, } } imparts a criticle forward rotatation } that helps maintain its stabilization. } } Throw in the law that Bernoulli discovered } and the mystery of flight is therefore uncovered. } } I know I've glossed over it and parts are unclear } but that's what I remeber from my Sophomore year. } } This I will leave you; this you should know, } An Aerobie is certainly more fun to throw! --- 314-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O mighty lord Oracle, who is so bloody hugely magnificent that he/she > makes Jehovah look like a toilet cleaner in comparison... > > Do you like Pink Floyd? If so, what's your favourite album? If not, who > do you like? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Do I like Pink Floyd?!? Are you kidding! To me, all human music } sounds like someone hammering nails into an aluminum can. If you were } to listen to my music, it would melt your brain. Seriously, do you } think I would have a personal aesthetic opinion on Pink Floyd? You } might as well ask, "do you like the sound of two rocks banging } together?" The closest humans have ever come to even slightly } acceptable music is "Hotel California" by the Eagles. It's the only } song I can listen to without gnawing my fingers off. } } My favorite album is "Death Song of Larsus." This is no ordinary } album; it is an Epic achievement. Let me tell you how it was made. } Larsus was a bastard child of Zeus and one of the Muses. (It is still } not clear which Muse.) Larsus was a good singer, a VERY good singer. } He could sing lichen off of rocks. He could sing rain of of the sky } and then sing it back into the clouds. He could sing a man to } suicidal depression and then to insane joy within the same minute. } When Larsus sang, the Earth reverberated in harmony. } } Well, in an interesting twist of fate, Hera (Zeus's wife) fell in love } Larsus. Now Hera can be a wee bit intimidating. So, when Larsus was } running for his life from Hera, he accidentally entered the bedroom of } Athena (Zeus's daughter). In order to keep Athena quiet, Larsus sang } her a quiet little love song, and Athena immediately fell in love with } him. Let me tell you, these gods have a complicated sex life. Of } course, Larsus did not love Athena or Hera, he loved one of the muses, } Euterpe, who just happened to be a half sister of his mother. Of } course, Larsus did not know this since his parentage had always been } kept secret. Also, when Larsus was younger, he was told by a seer } that "the love of a sister would kill him." Larsus did not know that } Athena was his sister, but Athena was very good friends with Rondera } (a very minor diety), and Larsus had been led to believe that } Rondera's father, Tandera, was also his father. Tandera would } occasionally "play ball" with Hera, much to the embarrassment of } Rondera. But back to the story. Athena dragged Larsus before Zeus to } tell Zeus that they were going to get married. Zeus, who had been } trying to marry off Athena for years, gave his approval. Of course, } Zeus had long since forgotten who Larsus really was. Larsus } complained bitterly that he loved Euterpe instead. As Larsus said } this, Hera walked in and became very angry. In terror Larsus cried } out for aid from Tandera. Tandera heard the call and came running. } When Tandera entered the room and saw that Hera was furious, he kept } quiet. Rondera heard all of the commotion and came running also. } Rondera decided to use this opportunity to get her father, and she } told Zeus that Hera had been "doing the nasty" with Tandera. At this, } Zeus became very angry. In terror Larsus cried out for aid from } Euterpe. When Euterpe entered the room, she lost all composure. She } told Hera about the true heritage of Larsus. Hera turned on Zeus and } demanded an explanation. Zeus calmly explained that it was all } Larsus's fault, and everybody believed him. After all, Zeus is the } top god for a reason. Hera decided to kill Larsus by suspending him } with a rope over a lake filled with hungry sharks. The rope would } slowly fray for a year until finally Larsus dropped into the lake. } To make a long story short, Larsus tried to save himself by singing } a very exciting song at the lake. (My album has this song.) The song } encapsulated all of the drama and anguish that he had endured in his } short life. The lake became so excited that it boiled, and all } of the sharks were killed. At the moment, the rope broke and Larsus } fell into the lake. He was immediately turned into a tasty stew. The } moral of the story is "you can't bake your lake and meet it too." } } Now don't bother me with your silly Pink Floyd. --- 314-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: ames!f575.n141.z1.FIDONET.ORG!Michelangelo.Jones The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great and might oracle, who's droplets of come are like the > ambrosia of the gods. Please grace my unworthy ears with the answer to > my greatest question: > What is the worst fate that possibly could befall John G. > Doe [name changed -sk], Director of Information Network Services, and > Net.Incompetant.Idiot. Also, how may I further this lofty goal? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Late Night with the Oracle presents: } The Top Ten Horrible Fates that Could Befall John G. Doe: } } 10. Vinidictive women could write angry e-mail about him. } 9. Someone could put a frozen trout at the bottom of one of his file } drawers. } 8. Someone could find out his home address, and send in a subscription } request to "Lads 'n' Leather Monthly" } 7. Someone could get ahold of a picture of him, and base a fake } 'Lost Pet' sign around it. You know, "Anyone with any information } concerning this lost toad 'Slimey', please call PetFinders } 1-800-FINDPET for cash reward!" A lot of these signs could be } posted around campus. A lot of people could start calling Doe } 'Slimey' or whatever name got stuck on the poster. } 6. Someone could sneak up to his terminal while he was away and could } then post to rec.humor and request that several copies of the } archive containing the canonical list of light bulb jokes be } e-mailed to him right away. } 5. Someone could forge an interoffice memo along these lines: } To: staff } Many people have recently forgotten their computer } passwords. As a result, much time of Information } Network Services personnel has been wasted. To avoid } forgetting your password, change it to an easy to } remember English word, perhaps your name or the name } of your significant other. In case you do forget, be } sure to tell a couple of friends what your password } is so they can remind you. If you do not use your } account for one full week, we will assume that you have } forgotten your password and are too embarassed to ask } for help and will change your password to "susan" } If we all work together, Information Network Services } can be freed for our primary duties of filling out } budget increase request forms. } J.G. Doe, } Director of INS } 4. He could somehow end up with his head stuck in a bucket of salsa, so } that his nose nerves got burned out. Then he could get his tongue } caught in a pasta press. Then he wouldn't be able to taste or smell } lentil soup ever, ever again. } 3. Someone could put a zip-loc bag full of some illicit drug at the } bottom of one of his file drawers. The next time one of your } friends gets caught for possession, have them claim they bought it } from Doe. } 2. A love note, signed by Doe could end up on the desk of a } (preferably married) colleague. A similar note, signed by the } colleague, could end up on Doe's Desk. If both notes were sprayed } with some perfume, it would be a nice touch. } 1. Someone could run out and get a copy of _RESearch#11:Pranks!_ } (available at fine bookstores everywhere, or at RE/SEARCH 20 Romolo } St. #B San Francisco CA 94133) or - if Someone was really po'd - } _The_Anarchist's_ _Cookbook_ by Willaim Powell(See the Self } Improvement section of your bookstore or write to Barricade Books, } Inc. PO box 1401 Secaucus NJ 07096) } Someone could then try to put into effect just half of the horrible, } twisted acts described in these books. If Doe survived, his would } be a miserable life indeed. Just so long as Someone didn't get } caught. You didn't hear this from me. } } You owe the Oracle some electrical tape, a studfinder, a couple of swag } lamps, and some fishing line. --- 314-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Mr Oracle, > > This is to inform you that there has been filed against you in the > Dweebville Municipal Court a paternity suit. > The plaintiff, a Ms Ophelia Legg, alleges that on or about the night > of 26th June 1990 you did engage in unprotected sexual intercourse with > her, and as result of such union Ms Legg was delivered on 20th April of > this year of a 23-pound baby boy, whom she has named Oracle Junior. She > is suing you for 300 tins of spaghetti and a cartload of potatoes a > month. > Should you wish to contest this claim, we will be more than happy to > represent you, for a nominal fee of 2.3 billion American dollars in the > event of a sucessful outcome, and 12 apples otherwise. WE look forward > to hearing from you. > > Yours sincerely, > > F. Bastard > of Bastard, Bastard, Yuppie, Slater and Nazi, Attorneys at Law. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No, thanks. I was planning on representing myself. It's generally not } a good idea, but I think I can pull this one off without much help. } } -- Ms. Oracle --- 314-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle, > Why does some asshole incarnation out there feel we should insult you > with long, meaningless, repititive grovelings that in the past were > merly opitional Why do people find imposing their ideals on other > people such a nescacary thing to do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle sympathizes with you greatly, and hereby declares that you } need never grovel before the Oracle or before anything else. } } The Oracle's reply is traditionally a thing of three parts. } 1. A brief salutation } 2. A cogent answer } 3. A brief request for payment. } } In New Age/engineering terms, } 1. is channeled from the Oracle in arrival. The first word is written } when the first byte of the Oracle Transmission Packet (OTP0) is } registered in the channel's Cosmic Interface Buffer (CIB), and the } last word when the last packet (OTPL) is recieved. } 2. is channeled from the Oracle in full glory and presence. } 3. is channeled from the Oracle in departure, when the connection is } become tenuous. } } Now, this presumes that the simple computer geek is truly a simple } computer geek. With the opening of the Oracle to all of Usenet, many } beings are chosen to channel the Oracle, and not all of them are simple } computer geeks. Some are students -- well enough when they are } engineering students, but some of them study mathematics, or physics, } or biology. } } Indeed, some of them study psychology, or English, or others of the } Black and Liberal Arts. It was not for such that the Usenet Oracle was } intended. Yea, it should not be that they consult the Oracle; theirs } instead is the dread Library, and they must seek and slave therein } until they find the answers they desire. } } So, thus: when those who are not simple computer geeks do call upon the } Oracle, the Oracular Law of Balance (SIGMA Ans = 0, where a question } counts as a negative answer) requires them to answer a question in } turn. But they do not truly understand the spirit of the Oracle. And } their soul shouts outward into the Void, calling for the Oracle. But } the Oracle may not answer them, for the Oracle is truly only for simple } computer geeks. } } And betimes, when they call and the Oracle answers not, they do channel } some evil or foolish spirit of the Void unto them. And these evil and } foolish spirits to enjoy grovelling, wherefore does the Liberal Artist } demand grovelling and threaten grave ills therefore. Yea, and they } usually answer the question wrong when -- they do remember to answer it } at all. For lo! the evil and foolish spirits which pretend to be the } Oracle are evil and foolish, and one should not heed them, but } retransmit your question to the One True Oracle, which, when it can } find a computer geek to answer it, will answer it truly and honorably. } And it shall neither demand grovelling, nor demand payment beyond your } means and budget. } } The One True Oracle has exposed Cosmic Truth in New Age / engineering } terms. You owe the One True Oracle fifteen trillion bottles of Creme de } Cacao, a hundred snowy-white peacocks without a scrap of color on any } of them, a space station in orbit around Neptune, and a cat which can } drink milk without getting stinky afterwards. --- 314-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O wonderful Oracle, who's magnificence I cannot even contemplate, > please answer me this question: > > I submitted you a question and got an answer. I did not like this > answer and so I asked you again. The second time I got a different > answer. Why is this? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, mortal beseecher, I am the almighty, all knowing, all seeing } Oracle. I knew you wouldn't like the first answer I sent you but I was } in a hurry. (I was late for a golf engagement with Bob Hope, Iggy Pop, } and Dan Quayle. I'd been saving up some zingers to hit Danny-boy } with to impress Bob and Iggy. I was hoping to get a guest spot on } Bob's next special or do guest vocals on Iggy's next album. As it } turned out Quayle and Hope never showed, so Iggy and I got drunk at the } bar.) Anyway, I knew that there was only a small probability that you } would have the gumption to ask the same question again. } } So, I was marginally surprised when you showed the unmitigated gall to } ask the same question again. So overwhelmed was I that I took the time } to give an answer that I knew would satisfy you, and keep you from } pestering me with your petty problems. } } Now, you have the audacity to ask me why I gave two different answers } on two different occasions? Listen, } soon-to-be-food-for-carrion-eaters, you're really starting to bug me. } I am the all powerful, all knowing Oracle. I can solve world problems. } I can feed the hungry. I can tell you how to cure cancer, AIDS and } acne! I can teach white people to dance! } } Boy this irks me. I ought to give you one, but good. I ought to ruin } your credit rating. Then maybe I'll cause your genetalia to shrivel up } like some dried fruit. Then I'll permanently attach "Walkman" head- } phones to your ears which will play nothing but Barry Manilow, Village } People, and the theme from the old Bob Newhart show. Then I'll tinker } with birthdate on your driver's license so that you can *never* drink } in bars. Then, I'll .... ooohh wait.... } } Damn. You began your question with an approved amount of groveling. } It would be a violation of Oracle's Rules of Conduct (OROC) to dole } out punishment if you grovel. Rats. I was really going to give it to } you, too. Boy would you have been pissed. (Iggy gave me some great } ideas for new punishments when we were drinking that afternoon. I } forgot most of them, but...) I would still like to since it would } teach you an important lesson. And I think you realize that now. } } You owe the Oracle a better question next time... maybe an algebra word } problem. I'm good at those.