From oracle-request Mon Jun 24 21:55:52 1991 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Mon, 24 Jun 91 21:55:52 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #318 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: "9e\S&XFxP?L)~?^jbHC!$jk5#O}v\n#nwz8'd$#(H,+B4n<^{GSCr,![PCrQOV1 nW{vh|Ev<)b!y?'?aysJ)3YJ_/sOl@a'lKaG,uk|Xh3mR+xa]XJ!$vqAjQe?.nst;0/"u?M2K~rC6k~ |)'uWrn%alJW'QwwJJ441kc,m.C!?:EP49(+ X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with "faces". From the iuvax archive today. === 318 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #318 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Mon, 24 Jun 91 21:55:52 -0500 *** The etiquette and history sections of the Oracle help file have *** recently been expanded. You may want to snag a new copy (see below *** for instructions). alt.humor.oracle readers can wait for its monthly *** posting. To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg: 200 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 313 15 votes 01563 31722 24621 32541 68100 27330 46410 20472 03651 31a01 313 2.8 mean 3.7 2.9 2.7 2.9 1.7 2.5 2.1 3.5 3.3 2.7 --- 318-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: arf@mentor.cc.purdue.edu (The Nefarious Scotto) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > GIVE ME A COOKIE. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } FROM THE FILES OF INTERNET IGGIE, MASTER DETECTIVE: } --------------------------------------------------- } } The Walther jumped in my hand four times, and four neat round holes } blossomed in his chest. Good, I thought. That'll teach HIM to stiff me } for my fee. He'd owed me a box of Oreo Doublestuf for nearly a week. } } The word "stiff" buzzed in my brain. I got out a flyswatter, but it } was too fast for me. Then I remembered, I had remembered the word for } a reason. The buzzing was getting louder. If I could just remember the } reason for my reasoning, I could remember the reason I had remembered. } Then I remembered the flyswatter and flattened that line of reasoning. } } What? Oh yeah, stiff. Got to deal with something that's stiff. I made } a quick check. No, _that_ wasn't stiff, but it sure felt nice. } Stiff... stiff... that's it. I had one here that needed immediate } attention. I gazed at his china-blue eyes, began to stroke his tawny } hair - but that kind of attention was wasted on him now. I had to } dispose of him, and quick. It was ten-thirty, and the mall was getting } crowded. } } Two little blue-haired ladies had come out of Victoria's Secret and } were staring at what was left of the cookie embezzler. One of them } nearly dropped her red satin garters. I fired the Walther over their } heads. Unfortunately, not far enough over. Now I had two more stiffs } on my hands. This predicament was getting too stiff for me, to say } nothing of my one-eyed trouser snake. Dead grannies with sexy lingerie } have that effect on me. I took out my bottle of Old Clawhammer and } proceeded to get stiff. Oh, dammit, STIFF! } } I searched Stiff No. 1 for ID. I found his wallet, address book, } passport, keys to his car. Junk. I stashed it in my codpiece. But } clutched in his hand was a slip of paper with the words } } HELP! I'm being held prisoner in } a Chinese fortune cookie factory! } } Now THAT caught my attention. The jackpot. The kind of break every } cheap shamus would stand in the drizzle for all afternoon, without his } trenchcoat and with his gumshoes soaked to the bone. Somewhere there } was a fortune waiting for me, and a couple of Chinese cookies to sit } on my lap and keep us company. Now all I had to do was find the } factory that this bird had escaped from. } } I looked at the back. All I could see were freckles, moles, zits, and } four bullet holes. But on the back of the paper were the words } } WON HUNG LO'S PLEASURE FACTORY } "The Sweetest Cookies in China" } 1-900-COOKIES } Tell 'em Coquette sent you! } (Group Discounts Available) } } I made my way to Won Hung Lo's factory, through the police barricade } and the SWAT team. Rocket-propelled grenades are a private eye's best } friend in a tight spot like this. I knocked on the door. It opened a } crack to reveal a life-size female advertisement for Michelin tires, } wearing eight pounds of gilt jewelry and nearly as much Jungle } Gardenia. She greeted me with enthusiasm. } } "What choo want, honky?" } } "I want to talk to Won Hung Lo. Coquette sent me." } } "I'm Coquette." She wiped her nose on her sleeve. "Won Hung Lo ain't } here. Fact, I never seen the dude. He been on a 15-year trip to the } Deli Lama. So talk, but make it fast. My time cost fifty buck for } twenty minute. More, you want any whip and chains." } } "I've got information that there's a fortune stashed here. I got it } from a friend of yours that escaped from this factory. Somehow he } happened to get dead. You wouldn't know anything about that, would } you?" } } "Yeah, I would. Some gray offed him in the Mall Center Outlet Plaza, } front of fifty witness. Him and two old ladies, and most of the police } tactical unit." She chuckled, creating 7.5 Richter tremors in her } piedmont. "If I knew who it was, I'd give him a job for free. Anyone } whacks that many pigs, he be OK with Coquette." } } On a hunch, I looked inside the wallet that had been the property of } the former cookie embezzler and the present Stiff No. 1. The driver's } license, credit cards, and Young Republicans membership card all had } the same familiar name. An idea started buzzing, but it took one look } at the swatter and retreated behind the Steuben glass. } } "You know what Won Hung Lo looks like?" } } "Like I say, I never seen him. Nobody have. He stay out the ho'in } business, an I stay out the Young Prepublicans. So you want sometin or } not?" } } "Yeah. I want the whole deal. The fortune and all the cookies. I own } this business." I waved the YR card under what I thought was her } nose. "You see, I'm Won Hung Lo. And you've got a debt to pay." } } "Like what?" } } "You owe the Oracle a box of Keebler E. L. Fudge and a set of } velvet-lined handcuffs. With extra fudge." --- 318-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O great Oracle, who trips the light fantastic with the best of them > tell me: > > Why are there instructions on top of a can of Coca-Cola? They read: > 1. LIFT TAB > 2. PULL FORWARD > 3. PUSH BACK > > Do they really serve some greater purpose? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } In 1962, when the Coca Cola Company was first experimenting with pull } tabs that don't come off (for NASA, actually), they came up with a } design nearly identical to what they use now. A case of the new cans } was brought to a meeting of the board of directors, where the chairman } promptly ripped the tab clean off a can. He was left, of course, with } an unopenable can of Coke, a useless scrap of tin, and a bleeding } finger. The other executives joined in the assault on the case, and } eventually one of them managed to LIFT TAB and PULL FORWARD. In his } excitement, however, he forgot to PUSH BACK, and some rather expensive } oral surgery was required. } When the melee was over, there were seven wounded company directors, } two open cans of Coke, and one ex-director of packaging. A few years } later, a company lawyer suggested instructions on the can, and in the } '70's, the can now known and loved the world over was introduced. } The sad fact of the matter (sad for you, actually kind of funny for } me) is that you -- your species, _Homo sapiens_, mankind, humans -- are } pretty stupid. Well... very stupid. Stupid enough that you need } instructions like how to open a Coke can, or use a moist towelette after } eating spareribs ("1.Remove towelette from package. 2. Unfold. 3. } Wipe hands and face."), or close a carton of ice cream ("Close this flap } first."). } You may take some comfort in knowing that, although the stupidest } species ever to manage to get a spacecraft off the ground (the Delfini, } who consider Jerry Lewis a comic genius, are your only close } competition), humans will never be attacked by any of the thousands of } civilizations in the galaxy who possess the capability to do so. Aliens } get too big of a kick from monitoring American executives trying to } figure out how to spell "LIFT TAB" in Finnish (and of course from } kidnapping and scaring the wits out of humans too stupid to open a can } even with instructions) to ever want to harm that giant Stoogefest in } Space that you call the Earth. } You owe the Oracle a case of 7-Up. In bottles, please. --- 318-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Quo vadis ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah-ha! Thought you could fool the old Oracle eh? You'll have to do } better than just scrambling the letters of your question! Unless of } course you're a mere mortal, in which case give up. It's hopeless } to try to fool the All Knowing Oracle. } } Now back to the question. Let's see... there it is: } } is Quad vo? } } Well of course not. Quad whiskey is just about the worst whiskey } money can buy (and a lot of money at that!). It's nothing more } than distilled beer. On top of that, it's been left sitting in used, } fire damaged oak barrels at the back of their warehouse for over } twenty-five years! Who wants to drink distilled beer that's been } sitting in burnt barrels for over 25 years? } } You owe the Oracle a new word-scramble book and a jug of Uncle Jed's } 15 day old VO Whiskey (or, if you can afford it, a Bud). --- 318-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh one who spugest most pure: > > Where is cross eyed Mary today? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } NAAO=Normal Assumed Air of Omnipresence } WIRT=what im really thinking. } } NAAO: SPUGEST?!?!? How dare you, you infintesimal, gummy drop of } smegma!! (wirt: what the *hell* does 'spugest' mean??) } } NAAO: I am feeling merciful, so I will forgive your sin and answer your } query. (wirt: well, i cant be sure the that ive really been } insulted, so i can take } a shot at being clever.) } } NAAO: now lets see, mary...mary...mary....hmm. Star Trek episode? no... } (wirt: man, this sounds lame even to me.) } } NAAO: well, lemme get my pan-galactic phone/cook book. } (some sentient species like to eat other sentient species, but } are polite enough to call first) } OW!! My F***ING FOOT! } (wirt: what a klutz) } } NAAO: ! phew! got it on the table. } ok, lessee...Club Foot Larry Hare Lipped } Terry... ahhh... Cross Eyed Mary. } (wirt: what a genius. i can look through a book, i am overqualified to } do this) } } NAAO: I got some bad news for you. She moved a few years ago, and her } forwarding address was the planet know locally as Ultav. } (fourth planet around a nice sized sun locally known as "the } sun") anyway, some dudes from Vault (from a sun they also called } "the sun") worked up a real appetite and ate the entire } population of Ultav. They didn't even call first either. bummer. } (and she had just spent all that money on corrective ocular } surgery) } } (wirt: what the hell, its worth a shot) } } You owe the Oracle a VHS copy of the Twilight Zone episode "To Serve } Man" --- 318-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: well!well!ewhac@apple.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > If I am here, then who is there, or is it the other way around ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } A strip of tiny shoreline. Fiery sun beating hot strokes upon the } earth's fragile skin. Far above, seabirds screeching chants to the } waters. Light dappling against the breaking waves, igniting a spectrum } of sparks over the sea's white fingers. Water claws the beach, rakes } its grasp against the flesh of the cherub island. The tang of spray } kisses the air, and from everywhere, a whisper... } } "I am here." } } A white palace. Crisp evergreens spreading their gentle needles to } nestle in the frozen forest floor. } } Angry sun etches wicked tendrils of fire into an endless stretch of } sand. Color catches the desert floor in its intense, merciless grasp, } dazzled, spellbound. } } Shadowed in the fanlike choir of grand, primevil ferns, the moist } swelter lays its heavy hand upon the young fruit trees, already laden } with their yield. } } In the totality, a whisper... } } "I am here." } } Wasteland. Debris. Ruined faceless forms, clothed in suffering. } Slacmouthed and sullen. Open haunting stares. Open gaping wounds. } Lost forever beyond a chasm that madness cannot reach. } } "I am here." } } Weblike nebulas, dancing galaxies, interspersed throughout the } grandness of unending night. A waltz of miracles suspended in } infinity. } } "I am here." } } Void. Dark. Silent. Vacuum. } } "I am here." } } "I am here." } } Desolation. } } "I am there." --- 318-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Where can I find a Dairy Queen? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle is perturbed by your question........... } } If you mean the ice cream stand....why are you bothering me? } 1. Dial 555-1212 and ask } 2. Let your fingers do the walking.. } } If you mean a lady whose succulent breasts yield the most delicious } milk in the world, an endless supply fresh from the nipples, from } a scientific point of view find out whos ordering the largest bra size } mail order from Sears. --- 318-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O subtle and mysterious Oracle, who has traveled the ether and knows of > all things temporal and spiritual, I ask thee a favor of interpreting > the following dream: > > I was floating in a red sleep of furry machine tools > when suddenly the silence of the noise deafened the > bright colors of the perfume, upon which I awoke to > find myself in the cold sweat of reason. > > What does this mean, O mighty Oracle? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } This is easy; let me show you: } } floating => water } red => russian } furry + russian => bear } tools => male genatilia } machine + male genatilia => vibrator } water + vibrator => type which squirts water if used for long enough } bear + {type which ..... enough} = bear shaped {type which ..... } enough} } } Wow! What an interesting first line: } A bear shaped vibrator which squirts water if used for long enough. } } silence => lambs } noise + lambs => baa-baa } } 2nd line: suddenely deafened by a "Baa-Baa" } } bright => intelligent => me } colours => not this VDU } => colours + bright = FALSE } perfume => smell } false + smell => deodorant } } 3rd line: woke up upon a deodorant } } It can therefore be deduced that you dreamed of a bear shaped vibrator } which squirts water if used for long enough, but when woken up by a } piss-head looking for a bar, you found you were actually lying on your } deodorant (not a vibrator) and you were covered in sweat (not water } squirted from a vibrator). } } Boy, you have wierd dreams. Ever thought of having a sex change? --- 318-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How can I break a blackened, squacking compiler? Or is it a chicken > escaped from a barbeque? I can't tell. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } If it's a chicken which escaped from a barbecue, then, contrary to } expectations formed from watching summer action films, it will not go } looking for revenge. It will instead go looking for a quiet place to } hide and recover, then start building a new life for itself. } } Any compiler, squacking or otherwise, _will_ seek revenge. They're } measpirited, ornery beasts in the best of times, maliciously twisting } programmers' intentions, issuing error statements where no error } occurs, and keeping mum about particularly nasty bugs they happen to } uncover. So be forewarned: if you're going to break a compiler, you'd } better make sure it stays broken. } } The best way to do that is with firefighting equipment: an axe and a } hose. First, disconnect the computer from any networks, to cut off } means of escape. (Too many people forget this part and, sooner or } later, pay the price of their carelessness.) Then load the compiler } into memory by having it work on a monstrously long program you've } prepared as bait. While it's compiling, remove the front panel from the } computer, and then hose down the CPU thoroughly. This should cause the } compiler to sieze up in surprise. The lights in the room may also go } out, so remember to bring a flashlight. Quickly, before the compiler } has a chance to recover, hack into the CPU and the memory units with } the axe, until you're exhausted. With a final grunt, remove the axe } from the hunk of twisted metal, and look carefully for any signs of } life. Stand up, and walk slowly towards the door. Turn your back for a } moment, then whirl back to see if it was playing possum and is now } springing to attack you. If so, hurl the axe at it, striking the final } blow deep into its foul heart. Finally, say something witty like, } "Compiler finished. No errors," and walk away into the rolling credits. } } You owe the Oracle an optimizing, vectorizing, parallelizing Forth } compiler. --- 318-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: well!well!ewhac@apple.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Who is Fedoso? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I shall answer this question, despite the fact that you forgot to } grovel. Just don't let it happen a second time. } } Throughout history, there have been several people of note named } Fedoso. Here is a brief chronology of them: } } 14955 BC:Og Fedoso discovers fire. Unfortunately, he hasn't discovered } the stick yet, and his arm soon burns to a cinder. } } 758 AD: Bruce Fedoso pulls a large sword out of a boulder, but } then gives the sword to his neighbor, Arthur, to have it } cleaned. Arthur becomes King of the Britons, and has Bruce } put to death to cover his tracks. } } 1491 AD: Vinnie Fedoso, as part of an advance mission for Columbus, } lands on what is now known as Grand Bahama Island. Getting } really loaded on Pina Coladas, he forgets all about his } role as a scout, and is never heard from again. } } 1855 AD: Jacques Fedoso III becomes the first person to experiment with } backwards masking. Unfortunately, he does it in book form, } and his first novel _Natas Pihsrow_ is a huge failure. } } 1908 AD: Conner Fedoso replies to a practical joke be his lab friend in } the patent office, then unknown Albert Einstein, "Ee, Ah'm soo } scared." Conners' heavy Scottish brogue gives Einstein an } idea, which led to the noted physicist gaining great fame. } } 1991 AD: Stig Fedoso writes an e-mail letter to the Oracle, trying } to trick him with questions about his illustrious, and } usually incompetent family. } } Well, there you go Stig. I'll admit it's not much of a family tree, } but at least you fit in well. } } You owe the Oracle the family hatchet. --- 318-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Karyanta The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How come IBM won't reimburse me for a plane trip they said they would > pay for, two years ago? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You must have missed this memo: } } To: All Employees } From: Accounting } Re: Travel Reimbursement } Date: Two years ago } } Effective for the next three days, travel expenses incurred by } employees will be ignored. In a continuing effort to reduce its } operational costs, IBM Corporation has introduced a new policy of } Random Revision of Reimbursements. At unpredictable intervals, all } employee benefit rules will be changed in some inexplicable way for a } short period of time. The accounting department believes that this new } policy will save IBM Corp. hundreds of millions of dollars without } effecting accounting department management in the least. } } Have a nice day! } } You owe the Oracle an aisle seat.