From oracle-request Mon Jul 8 20:23:54 1991 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Mon, 8 Jul 91 20:23:54 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #324 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: "9e\S&XFxP?L)~?^jbHC!$jk5#O}v\n#nwz8'd$#(H,+B4n<^{GSCr,![PCrQOV1 nW{vh|Ev<)b!y?'?aysJ)3YJ_/sOl@a'lKaG,uk|Xh3mR+xa]XJ!$vqAjQe?.nst;0/"u?M2K~rC6k~ |)'uWrn%alJW'QwwJJ441kc,m.C!?:EP49(+ X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with "faces". From the iuvax archive today. === 324 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #324 Compiled-By: Jon Monsarrat "Dr. Who" Date: Mon, 8 Jul 91 20:23:54 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg: 200 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 319 16 votes 26521 21742 25540 23632 04453 11842 67111 24820 35701 06541 319 2.8 mean 2.6 3.2 2.7 3.0 3.4 3.3 2.0 2.6 2.4 3.0 --- 324-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: The Wumpus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Please enlighten me, O cholesterol free one, do androids dream of > electric sheep? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } ...if you call today at 1-800-555-3589 you, yes you can receive, } absolutely free, a *CLICK* } } (Damn electric sheep ads... Nothing good on Oracle TV today- gotta get } cable...) } } Oh! } } Sorry- didn't see you there. Um. Yeah. A question, and appropriate } grovelling- wait! How did you get the results of my blood test? } } Well, let's just skip the formalities and get this over with. } OracleTrek is on in 5 minutes. } } Luckily, I left my pocket android hooked up as a client to iuvax. } } iuvax> telnet andy } } andy.cs.indiana.edu } UNIX SYSTEM VII } } andy.cs.indiana.edu> sleep } sleep: baa } sleep: baa } sleep: baa^C } } andy.cd.indiana.edu> logout } } iuvax> } } Well, I think that speaks for itself. } You owe the Oracle a pair of electric "electric sheep" shearers. } } (hmmm... maybe I'll make myself an electric blue wool sweater...) --- 324-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Don't u ever get tired of answering so many questions? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Actually, YES. So, to liven up the day, whenever someone } asks me a particullarly dull, stupid question, or whenever I have } nothing better to do, I either impose a horrible curse on the } person, give them a whimsical answer that I *know* isn't what } they wanted, fry them with a lightning bolt, impose an unusually } outrageous fee, or some combination of these. For example: } \ } \ } \___ } \ } \ } \___ } \ } \ } *ZAP!* } } Your next 273 re-incarnations will be doomed to be } mindless drones for their entire incarnation, with the boredom } only relieved by their manner of sudden painful death when they } are least ecpecting it. } } You owe the Oracle a night of service waving a fan while } I am busy with Lisa... while you are wearing a blindfold, gag, and } ear and nose plugs. } } BWAHAHAHAHAHAH! --- 324-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: The Wumpus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > This question intentionally left blank. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } This question intentionally unanswered. --- 324-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O great and powerful Oracle, whose name, if spelled phonetically > would be /or@kl/: > > Why are eggs sold in twelves, while chickens are sold in fourths? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Because eggs sold in fourths would be messy, } and chickens sold in twelves would be expensive. } } Actually, it's all just a foul plot. --- 324-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Karyanta The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I hate this terminal I'm working on. It spits out all this horrendous > line noise - all the characters in the ASCII set except the ones I > type. I was wondering if I decided to commit mass termicide and take > all the DEC vt220 terminals in the world and hurl them into the Caspian > sea would there be enough room left over for the Macintosh +'s that > keep crashing at my school? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, there might be if there weren't a couple of million DecWriters } already in line ahead of you to get tossed into the sea on top of all } those ADM-3s... } } However, why throw away those Macs just because they crash? I mean, } you can hardly blame them. That's their job, Macs crash. Slowly, } usually. } } You owe the Oracle a length of serial cable and some marinara sauce. } No, wait, I meant a length of marinara sauce and a lump of something } nasty you just discovered inside your armpit. Wait, that's not it, } there must be line noise or something hindering my communications... } I'll get back to you. --- 324-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: The Wumpus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why don't people listen to me anymore?!?!?!? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } What was the question? --- 324-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Jon Monsarrat "Dr. Who" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O great wise, wonderful, great, all-encompassing Mighty Oracle, > who is indeed so great as to warrant its name in capitals, bestow upon > this meager supplicant of yours, one who is so lowly and itsy-bitsy in > your Almighty Presence, the answer to this insignificant query: > > Why is it that no television characters (beside Archie Bunker, > that is,) ever have to go to the bathroom? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } They go during the commercials, just like everybody else. *Sheesh* } Doesn't everybody know that? } } You owe the Oracle a new question, heavy philosophy, hold the } groveling. --- 324-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: arf@mentor.cc.purdue.edu (The Nefarious Scotto) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O, oh great and mighty Oracle, whose teachings I have been basing my > life on, the most important of which is that a preposition is a > terrible thing to end a sentence with... please, bless me with this > tidbit of knowledge : > > What's that dangly thing in the back of my throat called? > > Thanking you in advance, you superbeing, you. > ->Stace<- And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } How quickly they forget. It was only twenty years ago that audiences } were delighted with the full story of that particular "dangly thing," } in the form of a show-stopping number from the hit show _Hare_ (the } musical version of _Harvey_). Don't you youngsters know *any* old } showtunes? Ah well, here goes: } } When a Klingon makes a choking sound, } Or your SO begins to snore, } They're awfully hard to be around, } And harder to ignore. } } Those both are sounds that can be made with the uvula, } Made with the uvula. } The UVULA - the YOU-VIEW-LA! } } Just a fleshy blob of tissue; } The deepest anyone can kiss you; } Roughly shaped like Halley's Comet; } If you touch it, you will vomit; } It can cause a strange sensation } In the course of some fellation. } } The uvula, the UVULA, the YOU-VIEW-LA! } } You owe the Oracle tickets to Manchester, England. --- 324-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Are there a lot of things all in the same place today? If so, what are > they and what is the place? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } 1) Yes. } } 2) The original Thing having been an enormous space-carrot (the } disembodied hand came later), we cansafely assume that the things } all of which are in the same place are also enormous root vegetables } from space. } } 3) Cleveland. } } The truly tricky question is - why? It turns out that this is part of } the top-secret Cleveland Project, intended to attract giant } space-bunny-rabbits (for more details, see the Journalesh Clevelandern } Verdorben, vol. XII, p. 273, or the hit movie _Night of the Lepus_). } } You owe the Oracle an Orthodox Rabbit, or a Hare Krishna. --- 324-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Karyanta The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great grater. > Oh more than sensible thing. > Oh mighty cyber heart, Whose breath I am not worthy to smell. > > Bestow upon this, your lowly pleb, a morsel of truth. > > * Why am I asking this question? * And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You are asking this question because you obviously have this insatiable } desire to be a talk-show host. This hostic fanaticism shall soon pass, } and you will be back to normal. It is advised that if you do not see } the relief of the symptoms within 5 days (5 days is the limit you know) } you should report to the nearest psychiatric center and watch 15 hours } of Wheel of fortune per day. If this still fails to eradicate the } problem, then you must lock yourself in the room and watch Bob Barker } on The Price is Right followed by Family Feud for the next 10 days. If } you still aren't cured, you need to go talk to George Bush about being } a justice on the supreme court, where they ask lots of questions. } } You owe the Oracle a game of Bob Barker:The Trivia Game.