From oracle-request Wed Aug 21 10:34:25 1991 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Wed, 21 Aug 91 10:34:25 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #338 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: "9e\S&XFxP?L)~?^jbHC!$jk5#O}v\n#nwz8'd$#(H,+B4n<^{GSCr,![PCrQOV1 nW{vh|Ev<)b!y?'?aysJ)3YJ_/sOl@a'lKaG,uk|Xh3mR+xa]XJ!$vqAjQe?.nst;0/"u?M2K~rC6k~ |)'uWrn%alJW'QwwJJ441kc,m.C!?:EP49(+ X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with "faces". From the iuvax archive today. === 338 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #338 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Wed, 21 Aug 91 10:34:25 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg: 200 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 333 11 votes 22232 30332 14222 11432 33212 11333 03431 23411 12242 22133 333 3.1 mean 3.1 3.1 3.0 3.4 2.6 3.5 3.2 2.6 3.4 3.3 --- 338-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: rutgers!ames!f575.n141.z1.FIDONET.ORG!Michelangelo.Jones The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > HIGHLIGHTED ADS > Desperatedly looking for a gentle, beautiful, nice, cute, silent, > humble, blond, green-eyed, careful, honest girl, ready and wishful to > contract marriage with me. Candidates please call 0976-23-654 for the > blow job test. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle will now peruse the Oracular Database of Beautiful, Blond, } Single and Suitably Desperate Women. Hmm, only three entries. How } odd. Well, let's see... } } |Divorced White Female, 65, blond hair, seeks younger man (age not } |important; preferably 17-22) for friendship and more. Let's recapture } |the youth I once had. Enjoys knitting, shuffleboard, antiques, and } |wild screaming sex in dumpsters outside expensive restaurants. } |Looking for that special someone to fill the gap in my life. } } No, I don't think that one's quite right for you. Ah, here's the next } one... } } |Asian ladies seek handsome men for friendship, marriage. For this } |month's catalog, send $9.95 to SUNSHINE INTERNATIONAL, PO Box } } WAIT! STOP! How did this get in here?? I know they already advertise } in every men's magazine in the known universe, but I thought we had } escaped them!! I must have a word with our Personals editor... } {fzzzzt....THOOM!!!} } } [We interrupt this Answer to bring you this special Oracular bulletin: } HELP WANTED! Need enthusiastic, intelligent supplicant for position } of Personals Editor at Oracle, Inc. Mail resume to: } oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu } And now, back to our Answer.] } } Let's see now, here's the last entry: } } |Single White Female, 21, wishing to contract marriage. Gentle, } |beautiful, nice, cute, silent, humble, blond, blue-eyed, careful, } |honest, and ready. Loves giving blow jobs. } } Well, that looks promising...but...no, she doesn't have green eyes. } I'm sorry, but the Oracle can't connect you with the girl of your } dreams at this time. Please query again, and don't forget the Oracle's } other exciting services: } } o Women's anonymous confessions to the Oracle! For women ONLY. } o A woman's point of view...as simulated by the Oracle! } o One on one chat with someone just right for you...selected by the } Oracle! } o And of course, the Oracular Dating Database! Remember, hot sexy } women who would never give you the time of day if you met them on } the street are WAITING TO MEET YOU! } } You owe the Oracle $5.00 for the first minute, and $2.95 for each } additional minute. --- 338-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: rutgers!ames!f575.n141.z1.FIDONET.ORG!Michelangelo.Jones The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Great and Wise Oracle, > Oh Great and Wise Oracle, > > .When you say that the Lord was saying things which you would not say, > .what do you mean? Were these utterances antithetical to your beliefs > .and way of thinking? Or were they merely expressed in language which > .you normally don't use? Alternatively, did these utterances exhibit > .knowledge of which your conscious mind was not then aware? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } If _you_ want to say, "_I_ am the Lord your God, you shall have no } other gods before me," in the same room as the Big Guy, feel free. } } As for me, I was happy with my two cents: "That's a good one. Put it up } near the top." --- 338-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: rutgers!ames!f575.n141.z1.FIDONET.ORG!Michelangelo.Jones The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Great Oracle who would never spend more than $1 for a beer in a > bar, I plead that you answer this question. > > What is the statistical forumla for determining the likelyhood of a > woman being a cheap slut in relation to how big her hair is? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I am shocked and offended by your question! Have you been asleep for } the last 5 years? Do the words "politically correct" mean anything to } you? Let me rephrase you question in more acceptable terms. } } "Systematically Enhanced Oracle who would never exchange more than one } unit of United States currency for a grain alcohol based beverage in a } pre-family oriented recreational establishment, please exchange an } answer for a corresponding quantity of non-denominational gratitude. } } What is the statistical formula for building a correspondence between } a womyn who has hair of mass and a womyn who is financially or } asexually challenged?" } } Let me get back to you after I figure out what you asked. --- 338-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, All-Knowing, Master of all which is Oracular, Please tell me > > How much work would a network work if a network could network? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } "Come with me, my child. Give me your hand." } } "Where are we going?" } } "I am going to show you the answer to your question." } } "Where is the answer?" } } "At the end of this hallway. Come." } } "Is it far?" } } "Not very far. Just past these doors. But you must promise not to } open the doors into any of the rooms." } } "Why?" } } "Behind these doors are very unpleasant sights. There are people who } have lost their minds." } } "How did that happen?" } } "There are many paths that lead to the same place. Behind this door is } a man who cannot speak, except to whisper, 'How many charts would a } flowchart flow, if a flow chart could flow charts?'" } } "How terrible!" } } "And over here is a woman, a mother of three small children, whose } mind has seized on a question and will not let go." } } "What is that question?" } } "'How many pounds would a footpound pound, if a footpound could pound } pounds?'" } } "But what does that mean?" } } "No! Never ask yourself that! It leads to madness." } } "Where do these questions come from?" } } "They are the bastard spawn of an unholy union between a woodchuck } and the demons of hell." } } "How do they get inside someone's head?" } } "I will not even speak of the mantra to you, my innocent. But I warn } you: do not search for the answer, for it will find you." } } "Who is behind this door?" } } "One who muses, 'How much news would new taxes tax, if new taxes knew } tax news?'" } } "I am beginning to see. It begins as a word game, doesn't it?" } } "So it is said." } } "You just pick a word, any word, like 'synod.' And spin out the } question. 'How many nods would a synod sin, if a synod could sin nods?' } This is what happens, is it not?" } } "I am afraid so." } } "Why, it's quite fun. And quite harmless. How can one be so foolish } as to become obsessed with such nonsense?" } } "There is no fool but whose folly seems wisdom." } } "What a dreary hallway you are leading me down. How many ways would } a hallway weigh, if a hallway could weigh ways?" } } "I beg you, for the last time, do not ask such questions." } } "You are much too serious a person, I think. How much work would a } network work if a network could network?" } } "We are almost there, my child." } } "Wait a moment. I'm serious. How much work would a network work if a } network could network?" } } "Here is the room. The answer to your question lies in here." } } "I don't want to know the answer to that question. I can barely } remember that question. I want to know how much work would a network } work if a network could network?" } } "The answer to that question, too, lies in here. Enter." } } "Where? Where is the answer? There's nothing here but a bed and a } window, high up on the wall. What will tell me the answer?" } } "I must go now." } } "Wait! Don't close the door! You must tell me. How much work would } a network work if a network could network?" } } "Goodbye, my child. I am....very sorry." } } "Don't leave. Or go. Go if you must! But first, tell me, how much work } would a network work if a network could network?" } } "Goodbye." } } "How much work would a network work if a network could network? How } much work would a network work if a network could network?.... } } "Oracle?.... } } "....ORACLE....!" --- 338-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: The Wumpus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Tell me, O rotund one, > > If an Oracle oracularizes all those who do not oracularize themselves, > who oracularizes the Oracle? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Q: If a barber in a small town cuts hair for everyone and not for } himself and if he is the only barber in the town, who cuts the hair } for the barber? } A: The barber is bald. } } I am omniscient and I have no questions. --- 338-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > My name starts with "M", has six letters, and I pick up things. What am > I? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } "Mother". --- 338-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: alan@hercules.acpub.duke.edu (The Barrister) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Great and Wise Oracle, > Who put the bomp in the bomp-du-bomp-du-bomp? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, as you obviously don't know you silly mortal, the real origin of } the phrase is from a French count, Bompe duBompe of Chantilly Lace. } } Now it is a fairly well known fact that the previous Count duBompe was } a rather odd man, who liked to dabble in just about any hobby you can } guess. Well, Count duBompe ran into a gentlemen by the name of Simone } dePaul-Simone and got rather involved in a conversation on music with } the chap. It turned out the Simone was headed to Brazil to play around } with some neat rythyms (note the new official Oracle spelling) that } he'd heard coming off some of the ships returning from there. Anyhow, } duBompe was rather intrigued by all this and asked to join } dePaul-Simone on his rather lengthy journey. } } It was in the wilds of Brazil that duBompe wound up being exposed to } all sorts of exciting rythyms and opted to become a drummer for the } London Symphony Orchestra at Rio. Unfortunately, his career was } destined to be a short one, as the conductor never made it over on the } boat from London. DuBompe, saddened by his loss of stardom as a } timpany drummer packed his bags and got on the boat. One of his few } friends saw him off and duBompe thought the person was saying "BOMPE! } DUBOMPE! BOMPE DUBOMPE!" It turns out, his friend was being hysterical } over a bomb placed in duBompe's bag. Months later, duBompe's wife, } then 8 months pregnant heard the story. Distraught, she named her } child Bompe duBompe in memory of this sad affair. } } Bompe duBompe grew up in the normal manner and was soon cavorting the } world as his father had once done. (The Almighty Digressive Oracle is } getting to the point, now pay attention) Bompe ran in to the young } Morse, who was busy trying to make up a nifty way to have people } communicate over long distances. Bompe duBompe's name gave Morse the } incredible idea of assigning each letter of the alphabet some } combination of the words bompe and du. Bompe was pleased at this } discovery and started blabbing it all around. Unfortunately for Morse } (who later wound up using beeps and boops) a musician found out about } the discovery and threw it into one of his up and coming overtures. } Mr. Tell therefore is given the credit for the introduction of the } bompe du bompe du bompe into society, while the actual Bompe came into } being from an old family name. } } It's really all rather interesting. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of Morse does the William Tell overture. --- 338-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most wise Oracle, whose existence is beyond comprehension, please > tell me... > > Is it true that there's always room for Jell-O? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes, my son, there is always room for Jell-O. The explanation is } complex, requiring some knowledge of four dimensional nature of time, } time-space geometries, string theory, and lime-green food coloring. } For me to give this knowledge to you, who only has two semesters of } freshman calculus to go on, would be disasterous. I will find another } way to explain it. } } If you've ever watched Dr. Who, and you've noticed that the inside of } the Tardis is much larger than its outside (a puny Police Call Box), } than you can grasp the fundamental nature of the substance of Jell-O. } Most people think gelatin is simply ground horse hooves. Not so! It } has transtemporal properties that cause it to fold up inside itself } when ingested so that it has negative volume. Lime-green food } coloring, which is used even when red Jell-o is desired, prevents the } Jell-o from forming a negative mass within a person which would be } equivalent to creating a small black hole as positive mass fills the } space. Thus it can be seen that moderate amounts] of Jell-o with out } lime-green coloring can be used in an effective weight loss program, } explaining your culture's use of the substance as a dessert, and not as } an energy source. But then to each species his own. } } You owe the Oracle 4 tonnes of Jell-o and lime-green catalyst (FD&C } yellow #1) --- 338-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Jon Monsarrat "Dr. Who" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Still I wonder, > Still I wonder, > Who'll stop the rain? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } "God!" } "Yeah, mom." } "Are you going to stop the rain down there on Earth?" } "Now? Awww mom... do I have to?" } "I seem to remember a certain little deity promising never to let it go } beyond forty days." } "I've still got some time. The rain'll do 'em good. You know } there's a water shortage in California. They'll appreciate this." } "But it's not raining in California, it's ra..." } "Well of course not, moTHER - if it was, there wouldn't be a water } shortage, now, would there. I swear, sometimes you are so dense I can } hardly..." } "Just so long as you get to it soon. After all, a promise is a } promise." } "Yeah, let me just finish reading this letter. Someone wants me to } create something to rhyme with the word 'orange'. Something about } a song she's trying to write." } "You will stop the rain _soon_, right?" } "Sure mom." } } After a lot of procrastination, god's mom will end up doing it. But } who's going to snag all the credit? Yeah, right. You owe the Oracle a } newspaper. --- 338-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Sid Dabster The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Okay, so we already knew that Gorbachev was ill. And now the Prime > Minister and the Minister of Defense are ill too. What do they have? > Is it catching? Bush and Baker were there just a few weeks ago; are > they going to get ill too now? > Signed, Worried And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, do to the global importance of this issue, I visited the } various leaders involved to check out their health, and they } didn't really seem to have anything that } *achoo* } sorry that } *achooo* *cough* } that serious } *ack* } } Is the Oracle dead of the knew OAIB (Only Affects Important Beings) } plague? Tune in next week to find out...