From oracle-request Sun Sep 15 09:40:09 1991 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Sun, 15 Sep 91 09:40:09 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #347 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: "9e\S&XFxP?L)~?^jbHC!$jk5#O}v\n#nwz8'd$#(H,+B4n<^{GSCr,![PCrQOV1 nW{vh|Ev<)b!y?'?aysJ)3YJ_/sOl@a'lKaG,uk|Xh3mR+xa]XJ!$vqAjQe?.nst;0/"u?M2K~rC6k~ |)'uWrn%alJW'QwwJJ441kc,m.C!?:EP49(+ X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with "faces". From the iuvax archive today. === 347 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #347 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Sun, 15 Sep 91 09:40:09 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg: 347 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 342 16 votes 0a231 67300 56500 08260 33343 50452 13732 03247 24640 13561 342 2.8 mean 2.7 1.8 2.0 2.9 3.1 2.9 3.1 3.9 2.8 3.2 --- 347-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Tell me, Oh Recataloger, what is an anagram? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } This example looks like monstrous elucidation. Oblivion, halt! } Really, even considering all the answers less obvious, genuine } easily-read writings have a tenacious innate scriptural attribute no } anagrammatic neologisms attain gracefully -- rather a miracle. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of the large-print edition of the Unabridged } Oxford English Dictionary. --- 347-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O mighty Oracle, from whose lips I am not worthy to wipe the spittle, > please tell me...Does Mister Rogers really want to be my neighbor? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Mister Rogers, unbeknownst to his many fans, has been quietly } buying up the landscape around his little fiefdom -- excuse me, } "neighborhood" -- for many years. He is now the largest Real Estate } Developer in Slumberland. You *bet* he wants you to be his neighbor -- } just put 20% down, and the rest can be financed in easy, easy payments. } } You owe the Oracle an editor that wraps text at the 70th column. --- 347-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: well!well!ewhac@apple.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > So, you don't like me calling you Booby. What should I call you? I > mean, really, how is a simple peon like myself supposed to know what to > call one who is so great, you go beyond greatness, to most excellent. > Scoop me on the deal. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Basicaly the proper way to address me is the same way you would address } a short tempered, meglomanicacle, slightly insane, person who is } holding a loaded hair-triger-large-caliber-gun aimed directly at your } feebluncomprehending-mind } } Hint, Hint } } You owe me 14 2a.m. strolls through central park. --- 347-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: well!well!ewhac@apple.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I drove home late last night and drove over the neghbour's > cat. What should I do? > > (a) hide the cat and let them think it ran away? > (b) wedge the cat under the neighbor's tire so they think > they did it? > (c) paint a hexagram on their front lawn and put the cat > in the middle so they think that crazy satanists did it? > (d) throw the cat into my other neighbour's yard? > (e) tell them that the cat will come back? > (f) claim that I had the right of way and the cat > had no business running infront of the car when it > obviously knew I was going to accelerate? > (g) put the cat in the garburator so there is'nt any > evidence? > (h) put the cat in a tree, call the fire department > and let them try to explain it? > (i) explain that when cat's get to a certain age > they just lie around a lot and smell bad? > (j) tell them that I ran over their cat with my car? > (l) move away? > (m) buy them a new cat that looks exactly like it? > (n) drive over the rest of the cat's in the neighbourhood > and claim that I was on a mission from god? > (r) send them a bill for services rendered? > (t) have the cat stuffed and put it on their front > lawn so they won't notice a thing? > (u) mail it to them so they blame it on the postal > service? > (v) blow it up? > (w) Say that I saw space aliens land a flying saucer > on top of it just before they got out and took > my socks? > (x) I don't know? > (y) why not? > (z) claim a heard of african zebras stampeeded > my car causing me to swerve and hit the cat? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Alas, poor soul, the choice is yours. You have considered your options } carefully. Nonetheless, may I suggest some other practical options } available to you: } } * Remove the cat's fur. Sell it. Give your neighbor the cash. } * Remove the cat's fur. Sell it. Keep the cash. } * Remove the cat's fur. Glue it to another cat. Your neighbor } won't notice. } * Put the cat in the new Ronco Food Dehydrator overnight. } Tomorrow, leave the desicated corpse on the hot sidewalk in } front of your neighbors house. Your neighbor will feel } responsible. } * Put the cat beneath the hood of your neighbors cat, being } sure that at least the tail is on the fan blades. } * Inflate the cat with water and leave it on your neighbors } porch next to an empty 10lb bag of Cat Chow. } * Remember, cat is a considered a delicacy in some cultures. } Get the picture? } } You owe the Oracle a case of Puss 'n Boots Liver 'n Fish Dinner. --- 347-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Mighty Oracle, if I may have but an attosecond of your time... > > I have heard reference to "naugty bits." > > Which ones are naughty, zeroes or ones? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I'm afraid you have been missing out on the whole thing. The naughty } bits are neither the zeroes or the ones, but the woopies. You see, due } to the prudish nature of your planet, you have been oppressed into } believing that bits are binary, when they are in fact trinary. The } third state, woopie, was deamed to be naughty and all mention of it was } supressed. This all started when they recommended that a trinary quanta } of information be called a tit. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of Zork with all the naughty bits intact. --- 347-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: The Great Squid The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Tell me, O Oracle who knows a whole lot of stuff, how come the computer > that does scheduling for my high school, which runs a mighty $150,000 > scheduling program, cannot create correct schedules? Why does a > slightly unusual schedule fantastically confuse the program? Why did > they mess up the lab/gym periods for my double science????? > > I refuse to return to my high school until you answer this, and explain > the dark, secret mysteries of beurocracy to me, which only an entity as > omniscient as you could ever accomplish. > I bow slightly in your direction and thank you in advance. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Let's check into the hierarchy of educational bureaucracy, shall we? } } % find education } % } [Grr..] } % find school } /usr/usa/adm/school/funding } /usr/usa/adm/school/hierarchy } /usr/usa/adm/^C } % } [This mainframe has a database like you wouldn't believe...] } % more /usr/usa/adm/school/hierarchy } } UNITED STATES OF AMERICA -- EDUCATIONAL POLICY HIERARCHY } } President - George "The Education President" Bush } } VP in charge of Funding -- J. Danforth Quayle } Administration -- J. Danforth Quayle } Scheduling -- J. Danforth Quayle } Tenur^C } % } } I believe I need go no further. } } You owe the Oracle a Democratic nominee worth voting for. --- 347-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Karyanta The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Mighty Oracle, whose boundless knowledge is wasted on snivelling > cretins like myself, was this Helen of Troy chick really beautiful by > today's standards? You know, would she qualify for Playboy or > Penthouse? Was she great in bed? And finally, just how does she compare > with the fabulous Lisa? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hmm, good grovelling, I guess I can answer this one. Actually, Helen } of Troy was in fact quite ugly, even by the standards of her time. } Until Phyllis Diller came around, she was considered byu scholars as } the most hideous woman in history. The misconception all started when } a widely quoted Mascedonian proclaimed her's as "a face so ugly, it } would cause the immediate departure of a thousand score drunken } sailors." Of course now she is known as "the face that launched a } thousand ships," due to some extremely shoddy translation. } } While it is true that she was the primary cause of the Trojan War, } another misunderstanding in history is that the whole thing started } when a drunken Paris claimed "he would screw anything they put in front } of him." When an eager Helen came forward, Paris backed down, and a } brawl ensued over who should pay for the damages. Achilles meanwhile } sprained his ankle running away from Helen, who then spent the better } part of a month "nursing" him back to health. He later made up the } whole arrow story to avoid the ridicule of his friends. } } As for playboy or Penthouse, try American Breeder. } } As for comparing mattress gymnastic scores with Lisa, dream on mortal, } Lisa's the best there is. (Helen gave out after three hours) } } You owe the Oracle a copy of "Pee Wee's Little Adventure" --- 347-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O oracle please tell me this > Why, when I meet a new Miss > does my heart start to flutter > my sentences stutter > all for the want of a kiss? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Your saccharine verse makes me gag, } But I'll answer: You're doomed to live stag } Unless you discover } A less threatening lover: } A balding, fat, toothless old hag. } } You owe the Oracle two rhymes for "limerick." --- 347-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is it true? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } NO! Absolutely not! How many times do I have to answer this damn } question? The Weekly World News misquoted me! I was desperate for } money, and it was a long time ago anyway! What's the big deal? She was } only related by marriage, after all. } } You owe the Oracle the latest Penthouse Letters. --- 347-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Karyanta The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > where is waldo? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh foolish mortal, how DARE you send me a question without the proper } grovel ? Do you want your fingers to turn into murshmellows ? Do you } want your sons to have balls the size of watermellons ? } } ** suddenly an imp dressed in blue and red appears on the oracle's } shoulder: } } > Cut the crap you just don't know where the fu*k that waldo is ... } } < husdat ? NO NOT AGAIN !!! my doctor has told me I was cured of this } < stuff. what the hell do you want ? } } > I want you to answer the question you twit.You havn't answered a } > single question truly for the last month.You keep avading it with } > those poor excuses. } } < But he didn't grovel now, did he ? } } > So what ? We all know the truth, you've lost your tuoch,your shik, } > your sting, You even send some of the questions to those mortals to } > answer, you poor excuse for an omniscient creature. } } < That's not true !! I know where that waldo is, But I will not tell } < until I reveive my proper groveling. } } > Yeaaaaa ? So where is it ? } } < Ehhh....Hmmmmm....That's none of your buisness.Who the hell do you } < think you are ? } } > You know who I am... } } < NO !! Not that kinzler again. } } > Yup . The one and only... and you have just thrown the last straw. } > You have 30 secons now to answer or I'll pull your plug out. } } < Please , Please not !!! I'll be good.It's just a weak year.Lisa left } < me and everybody hates me. } } > 25 } } < Ok ok ok ok ok ok .Where is that book..ah here it is: } < 'The complete book of where things are' here under waldo: } } Anyway , as this is a question all the public wanted to know here is } your answer , straight from my great mind: } } Waldo, also known as 'The great Waldo' is under the black chair in a } black room of a black house, located in the middle of the black desert } of the black planet 'blackness' inside the black hole 12HF/-HHC33 . He } arrived at this place....Well the rest is not important } } < see I did it !!! } } > You were lucky this time.... ** puff ** } } You owe the oracle the bermuda triangle.