From oracle-request Fri Jan 17 16:03:56 1992 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Fri, 17 Jan 92 16:03:56 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #395 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: "9e\S&XFxP?L)~?^jbHC!$jk5#O}v\n#nwz8'd$#(H,+B4n<^{GSCr,![PCrQOV1 nW{vh|Ev<)b!y?'?aysJ)3YJ_/sOl@a'lKaG,uk|Xh3mR+xa]XJ!$vqAjQe?.nst;0/"u?M2K~rC6k~ |)'uWrn%alJW'QwwJJ441kc,m.C!?:EP49(+ X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with "faces". From the iuvax archive today. === 395 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #395 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Fri, 17 Jan 92 16:03:56 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg: 395 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 390 30 votes 94a61 0ca35 28c53 0b694 29d24 4a763 2ad41 27885 49a61 47973 390 2.9 mean 2.5 3.0 3.0 3.2 2.9 2.8 2.7 3.2 2.7 2.9 --- 395-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hey Orrie! > > Remember me? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Why, of course! How are you? } } (Lisa, get the bazooka. That Jehovah's Witness is here again....) } } You owe the Oracle a small donation for this answer. --- 395-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Otis Viles <4164@alma.edu> The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Most wise and all-powerful Oracle, if it is not the last thing you do > for me, please solve this mystery : > > When I was at work the other day, as I was selecting a DECterm > window on my VAXstation 3100, an image of a balding, bearded man > appeared where the mouse pointer was positioned. After blinking > his eyes a few times and opening his mouth without making a > sound, a dialog box appeared with the words "SYSPRV ? NO YOU > CANNOT !!!". > > What does it all mean ??? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, I am not surpised you do not know what it means! It took _me_ } almost a full nano-second to sort it out. } } I suggest that you seek legal advice. The old guy has stolen all of } the vowels from your System Privilege facility, thus denying you } access. (The NO YOU CANNOT response in fact came from the VAXstation, } not the old guy, as you mistakenly thought). Sue for all you are worth. } } By the way, none of this would have happened if you had your speaker } working. You could have then heard the old guy at his evil deeds and } nabbed him then. } } You owe the Oracle a woofer. --- 395-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Karyanta The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > More on the Very Strange Version: > > 10. Blessed are the werewolfs, for their fleas shall be removed. > 11. Accredited are the solenoids, for theirs is Alternating Current. > 12. Parboiled are the lamps, that they may not be so crunchy and hard > to eat. > 13. Pasteed are the triceratopses, for they are extinct and become the > favorites of young children. > 14. Blessed are the worthless, for the know their true value. > 15. Blessed are the haberdashers, for they can eat their dashi and hab > it too. > 16. Manufactured are the birds. Don't worry about why. Don't ask > questions. > 17. Drooled upon are the rhinoceroses, for they are supposed to be > waterproof and we wanted to test it. > 18. Blessed are the baby butterflies, for they are cute. > 19. Blessed are the racketeers, for otherwise they shall blackmail up. > 20. Blessed are the janitors, for they shall clean up this mess. > > What's going on here? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You still haven't removed all the bugs in your AI Literary Creator. Try } looking between lines 11292 and 11376. } } You owe the Oracle some of what you've been smoking. --- 395-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why do women have only *two* breasts? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Actually, women originally came with one built in breast and five } breast slots. Soon afterwards, however, it was found out that the } overwhelming majority of women were actually upgraded to have exactly } two breasts - which actually makes sense since men generally have two } hands. } } Therefore, it was decided to build a stripped-down version of women for } home use with two preconfigured breasts. This version proved to be so } popular that the original model was discontinued and soon was } forgotten. --- 395-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Sid Dabster The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh extremely extraordinarily extraordinarily divine Oracle, whose > knowledge glitters like the Moon, whose tan I am not worthy to adore, > wiser than a whole bunch of wereslugs, do tell me this. Who wrote the > current best-seller? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The best-seller lists have a habit of shifting around from week to } week, so the best I can do for you is to run down a list of some of my } favorites from the past year: } } 1) "The Toasteroven of Shanara" by Terry Brooks: The latest in the } famed series of fantasy novels, this one has the forces of good and } evil battling over kitchen appliances of awesome power. } } 2) "Worm-fodder" by Robert Heinlein: The long awaited sequel to } "Grumbles From the Grave". From his coffin, Heinlein explores his } feelings about being deceased. } } 3) "City of the Future" by Jane Auel: The latest book of the "Children } of the Earth" series, which also includes "Clan of the Cave Bear", } "Valley of the Horses", "Hunt of the Mammoth", and several others. } Ayla and her mate Jondalar, having discovered fire, domesticated the } first animals, founded Atlantis, discovered agriculture, and } invented the spear-thrower now invent a time machine and travel to } modern day New York, where they are killed by a roving band of } anthropologists. } } 4) "Wearing a Tartan Kilt" by Piers Anthony: Book 217 of the } "Incarnations of Immortality" series, featuring Angus McArnold, who } becomes the minor Incarnation of Bagpipe Music and spoils a plot by } Satan to take over the Universe. } } 5) "Grout" by Stephen King: A shocking and suspenseful tale of horror } about a colony of bathroom tile mildew that develops sentience and } takes over a sleepy New England town. } } 6) "What Are the Owls?" by Thomas Harris: In this sequel to "Red } Dragon" and "Silence of the Lambs", FBI agent Clarise Starling } enlists the aid of Director David Lynch in tracking down a } psychopathic killer who places letters under the fingernails of his } victims. } } 7) "The Hitchhiker's Guide to Alternate Dimensions" by Douglas Adams: } When our universe is destoyed to make way for an interdimensional } bypass, Arthur Dent, Ford Prefect, Zaphod Beeblebrox, Trillian, and } Slartibartfast find themselves homeless and trapped in a series of } alternate histories. } } 8) "This Book Sucks But You'll Probably Buy It Anyway" by Jackie } Collins: Amazingly similar to other best-selling books by Collins. } } 9) "Unearthed Arcana" by Umberto Eco: A huge volume filled with highly } obscure information that Eco compiled in monestary libraries that } have been sealed up for centuries. The plot is so complicated that } the publisher has packeged the book with a free set of Cliff's } Notes. } } 10) "Foundation and Eggplant" by Isaac Asimov: The next step along the } way to establishing a galactic utopian society in Asimov's future } history. The Second Foundation uses a recipe for eggplant parmisian } that has been preserved for millenia by the robots of Earth for use } against the Gaeans. } } You owe the Oracle a new library card. --- 395-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Skins 21 > Bills 22 > What do you say? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I'd say for a fur trader in this day and age your doing quite well. --- 395-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I'd rather be a wino way down on skid row > Than to grovel to you, who doesn't even know. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I'd rather be an aphid on the arse of a flea } than have bozos like you send mail to me! } You don't have a question, you just want to insult. } That's just fine by me, but beware the result! } The Oracle's Ire is mighty indeed! } I have ways of dealing with pestilent breeds } of morons who think they are witty or smart } but actually are using their keyboards to fart. } So to punish you for your ignorant mail, } I say unto thee You're DAN QUAYLE! } } Try to live it down. --- 395-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Karyanta The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle, who is really neato and fantastic, > > Why did the road cross the chicken? > > Thanks in advance! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Thanks to the righteous movement "Chicken's rights in a harsh and cruel } society" who fought for the right of each chicken to stay where it } lives, the chicken did not have to move, so they built the road } straight over it. --- 395-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Sid Dabster The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Mighty indecent oracle, who's breasts I am not fit to suck, tell me: > > If you're all knowing, you must be infallible, so why do you keep: > > (a) misiniterpreting questions > (b) making spelling/gramatical mistakes > (c) making factual mistakes > (d) making logical errors > (e) and other such things. > > I suppose you could be *lying*, but your not as cheap as that, surely? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Keep your disgusting male mouth off my breasts, breeder! } } a) It's more fun that way. } } b) Speeling erorrs ecnode teh scerets fo hte uvinerse! } } c) misfactuals are not steaks! } } d) (a=>b)\/~c! With jelly on it! } } e) I am not a mere THING. I have a personality! I eat pancake syrup } on my oysters! Would a THING do that? --- 395-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Otis Viles <4164@alma.edu> The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Tellme "Pourquoi Demander Pourquoi?"? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, okay, whatever floats your boat: } } Pourquoi Demander Pourquoi? } } Feel better? } } You know, I used to wonder about some of the things you people asked } me, but these days I just shrug and say, "Why ask why?" } } You owe the Oracle a six-pack of LaBatt's Ale.