From oracle-request Tue Jan 21 11:17:23 1992 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Tue, 21 Jan 92 11:17:23 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #397 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: "9e\S&XFxP?L)~?^jbHC!$jk5#O}v\n#nwz8'd$#(H,+B4n<^{GSCr,![PCrQOV1 nW{vh|Ev<)b!y?'?aysJ)3YJ_/sOl@a'lKaG,uk|Xh3mR+xa]XJ!$vqAjQe?.nst;0/"u?M2K~rC6k~ |)'uWrn%alJW'QwwJJ441kc,m.C!?:EP49(+ X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with "faces". From the iuvax archive today. === 397 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #397 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Tue, 21 Jan 92 11:17:23 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg: 397 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 392 28 votes 49762 8d340 36b35 5a742 33985 64783 56a70 448a2 47674 022ae 392 3.0 mean 2.8 2.1 3.0 2.6 3.3 2.9 2.7 3.1 3.0 4.3 --- 397-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Will the third world war keep ``Bosom Buddies'' off the air? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes, if there is a god in heaven. And we wait anxiously every day for } nuclear sterilization as a method of a new fall program lineup every } day. And more important, if a chicken and a half can lay an egg and a } half in a day and a half, what does CBS have that Galavision and } telemundo do not. Alas even the great wonder spud is in awe at the } internal workings of the television networks and their conventional } wisdom, or appropriate lack thereof. } } But I digress. The answer to your question is "Aluminum toast." } } You owe the oracle a pudding pop, and the next time your forget to } grovel, it's going to be two pudding pops. --- 397-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Otis Viles <4164@alma.edu> The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wise and sagacious Oracle. > > Who will win the Superbowl? Who will win the Bud Bowl? > Will the Bud Bowl be more interesting than the Superbowl? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } For your own sake, I will not tell you the scores. You see, not only } do I already know the results of every play, but I also know that if I } gave you this information, you would bet your life savings on the game. } Then, with your winnings, you would take a trip to Cancun, where you } would be crippled for life in a bizarre traffic accident involving your } tour bus, three llamas, and a black cat. Trust me, I am withholding } the information for your own benefit. Now, to answer your third } question; if you have enough to drink during the game, you won't be } able to tell which is the Superbowl and which is Bud Bowl. } } You owe the Oracle seats on the 50-yard line. --- 397-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is the supreme orgasm? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Look, there's something very simple here that a lot of supplicants are } missing, here. The point is that, since you are merely mortal, and I am } devine and celestial, you are supposed to grovel before me. You know, } throw yourself in the muck and wallow around for a little while. Show } me that, since you are second in unimportance to the insects, you have } the proper respect for those that you can't begin to understand. But } since you obviously didn't know, I won't hold it against you. I'll just } get the teeniest little hint of sarcasm in my deep and wonderous Oracle } Voice. Ok? } } Alright. Down to business: The Supreme Orgasm. I suppose that I could } get Lisa in here to help me demonstrate, but I suspect that High Priest } Kinzler would censor that but quick. Of course, I could just zap him, } but Hell, he created me. } } The Ultimate Orgasm. Well, have you ever eaten a perfectly toasted } marshmallow? Well, the Ultimate Orgasm is absolutely nothing like that. } Don't listen to any charlatan wanna-be Oracles that tell you otherwise. } There are a lot of loonies about in this world, son, and if you want to } survive, you just can't go around believing them when they tell you } that the Ultimate Orgasm is anything like a perfectly toasted } marshmallow. So don't. } } Okay, now we're clear on that. All right. Now. The Ultimate Orgasm. } Hmm. Well, picture sneezing. Ugh. Okay, so that was ugly. Picture two } dogs in the road. Yup, you guessed it, they have the Ultimate Orgasm, } and the closest that Humans can come to it is in the basic, } low-intensity orgasm. Note the lower case. } } So, in short, the Ultimate Orgasm happens all the time, but you can't } get at it, because you're not canine. } } Of course, as an Oracle, I am unbounded by the constraints of a } physical body. I can become anything that I desire, and so, Grrawrf, } Reearrrff Grrrrr! } } You owe the Oracle a studded collar and also one of those neat chew toy } things that look like bones. --- 397-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hessyt! Oracle! Coem here and whisper to me! It's VERY SECRET so > don't tell everyone, OK? I need your very wisest of your very wise > advice. Now. I pay very much, you see? Very important. If I get it > wrong very bad things happen to me. But you know that. You always > know that. Which is why I come to you for the very good important > significant advice. Is it OK? I pay very many things for the > answering of this question. > > What are tarts made of? And can I profitably market toothpaste tarts > in the USA out of vending machines? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, I don't believe this is possible, but it does } sound like a good idea. When you say "Tarts", I am } assuming that you are refering to "Women of The Evenings", } "Prostitutes", and their like. Or you may be refering to } little morning sweetroles. Lets look at both of these. } } First, with the former kind, you would have trouble getting } the women into the machine. And your customers will have } trouble getting them out. There hasn't been any good } developments for vending machines in this area. On the } good side you can get a lot for these. The "Toothpaste" } tart in which you want to market could go for quite a bit } (There are some very kinky people out there). Then there } would be a problem of messing with those stupid dollar } bill feeders that allow people to make fools out of } themselves infront of not-so-patient other people. As } for as what these kind of "Toothpaste Tart" is made of } is simple: Woman + Sex Drive - Morales } } Finally, assuming you meant the breakfast sweetrole. Well } they are made out of sugar and dough and are topped with, } stuff that is meant to make them taste better. However, I } don't think anyone would notice them being made with toothpaste. } This is because most people get up, brush their teeth and then } eat the tart immediatly after. This is usually followed buy } the drinking of orange juice and unexpected 'Yuch!'. I don't } think you would have any trouble sticking these things in } a vending machine. However, you wouln't be able to sell } them unless you called them Pop-Tarts. Some people might } confuse this type and the former type mentioned above and } begin looking for a large dispensing tray. } } You owe the oracle a vending machine on main street and a clean, fresh, } unrinkled dollar bill. } } Note: Pop-Tarts is a trademark of another company and is not } being endored by the Oracle --- 397-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh oracle whose ingrowing toenails must be the luckiest in the universe > for having the benefit to submerge themselves into your eternal wisdom. > > I have this strange forced behaviour, I can not sleep or eat if I'm not > able to get an absolutely straight left- and right margin in all of the > letters I type. I've tried to fill in more blanks between the words, to > be able to obtain this, but deep inside I feel that I'm doing something > wrong. This consumes a lot of my valuable time, so I have to ask you of > help. What should I do about this oh glorious oracle in the whole sky ? > > P.S.I've tried to misspell some words as well, but that failed as well. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Let me get this straight (if you'll pardon my pun)... this psychosis of } yours manifests itself as an overwhelming compulsion to type your lines } of text so that each line contains the exact same number of characters. } It is, however, unclear from your question whether you're asking me for } a cure to this condition, or advice about how you can continue to write } in this way without having to resort to such methods as inserting extra } spaces or intentionally misspelling words to make the characters in the } lines come out even. I can suggest that you might want to start trying } out synonyms of the various words in the lines instead, until the lines } match up. In a way, this is similar to the journalistic art of writing } headlines to fit a set space. If you are able to further sharpen these } writing skills, you might possibly have a successful journalism career. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of the Washington Post and a toenail clipper. --- 397-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > So many mysteries are out there to solve, > So many quandries that you could resolve, > So many knots that your mind could untie, > So many puzzles wait your all-seeing eye. > > Hey! How 'bout that!! Four lines of poetry, with consistent rhymed and > meter, and they're EXACTLY THE SAME LENGTH!!! What're the chances of > that happening by accident? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Not a quite bit, } To thee who sit, } Without any wit, } You bit of shit. } } As always, the Oracle will rule. } Not like you, a jack-assed mule. } A Guy who uses the flippin fuel. } Who is w/ the Oracle a fit duel. } } I am the greatest poet, } An oracle who knows-it. } I ZOT you then show it, } So go to hell, blow it! } } You owe me, the Great Oracle Of The Usenet, the following for trying } to make your self higher than me: } } o An Apology Note } o A couple Zygote } o A Real Big Boat } o An English Goat --- 397-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christopher Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Can you tell me, Oracle..... > > _Should_ we ask Angela Lansbury about Bufferin??? and who made her a > medical *expert* anyway?? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hi, this is Lisa. I'm afraid the Usenet Oracle is unavailable. He's } got this really bad headache, so he's only answering questions that } start off with lots and lots of grovelling. All the other questions } he's giving to me. } } Okay, let's see. Angela Lansbury, huh? Isn't she the woman on "Murder } She Wrote?" I never watch that show because it's on the same time as } "America's Funniest Deities". } } I guess you still need an answer. Well, if you saw it on TV, it must } be true. } } You owe the Oracle a Tiny Tine Pill. } } P.S. Here's a big "hi!" and lots of hugs to the priesthood. --- 397-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christopher Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, say can you see by the dawn's early light? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } OK: } } Can you see by the dawn's early light? } } Yeesh, people come up with the weirdest requests... --- 397-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Greg Wohletz The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > All Things Bright And Beautiful, > All Creatures Great And Small, > All Things Wise And Wonderful, > The Oracle Outshines Them All. > > Insufferable Oracle, > Goddess of flaucinaucinihilipilification, > Grant this mere mortal, > Who is not fit to gaze upon your devine beauty, > A moment of your time, > Please: > > I have a complaint about my love life. > What is Aphrodite's email address? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } All Questions Small And Pitiful, } All Answers Fine And Tall, } All Questions Dull And Miserable, } The Oracle Smiles On You All. } } Boy, are you lucky! There is nothing that is guaranteed to peeve } an Oracle more than being mistaken for a being of the wrong sex. } But as it turns out, I have just this week transmogrified into a } (dare I say it) quite stunning brunette - statuesque even. And } Lisa is now this tall, strapping (and very well-hung) blonde. } Fabulous. } } But, telling you all about my own love life is not going to } improve yours. Aphrodite is not the sort of person I would } normally recommend to anybody with love life problems. She } can be *very* difficult, but that is just to be expected of } your typical Goddess, at least in my experience. However, I } can see from the tone of your question that you are quite } desperate (flaucinaucinihilipilification indeed!). So, she } may be found at } } love.goddess@mount.olympus.edu } } (she is currently teaching at God Mount U). } } Best of Luck (have you ever tried to satisfy a Goddess of Love } before?). One word of advice. Steer clear of her G-spot. You } wouldn't cope. } } You owe the Oracle a prophylactic. --- 397-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How can I show the cosmic validity of the equation: > > Life * Basic_Cell_Bio + Writing * Slinkies > = > sqrt(Tofu * Next_Week * Photosynthesis + > Iodine * Fred + > Phase * Yoyos * Eggplant * Ouch) > + 2? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } "The proof is left as an exercise for the reader."