From oracle-request Sat Feb 22 00:30:52 1992 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Sat, 22 Feb 92 00:30:52 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #413 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: "9e\S&XFxP?L)~?^jbHC!$jk5#O}v\n#nwz8'd$#(H,+B4n<^{GSCr,![PCrQOV1 nW{vh|Ev<)b!y?'?aysJ)3YJ_/sOl@a'lKaG,uk|Xh3mR+xa]XJ!$vqAjQe?.nst;0/"u?M2K~rC6k~ |)'uWrn%alJW'QwwJJ441kc,m.C!?:EP49(+ X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with "faces". From the iuvax archive today. === 413 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #413 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Sat, 22 Feb 92 00:30:52 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg: 413 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 408 26 votes 7a621 34f31 17d41 12aa3 37880 226a6 07982 28547 11978 56c30 408 3.1 mean 2.2 2.8 2.9 3.5 2.8 3.6 3.2 3.2 3.8 2.5 --- 413-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: RICH MCGEE The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is a good analogy to define "life"? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Curses, don't these mortals even read the help file on me anymore. } I've made it perfectly clear to Kinzler that his clients can expect one } hell of a if they don't start some good honest grovelling. } This goes for you too but as I can see from your total lack of even a } pretense a grovel that your still wearing your UNIX nappies I'll let it } slip this one time. } } But don't think you're going to get any titillating appearances from } the divinely sexy Lisa in this answer with that sort of approach, no } siree. (Anyway she's spending the week at Olympus so I don't see why } anyone else should have any fun.) } } Anyway, the old what is a good analogy for life question, eh? (You } non-grovelling types don't have qualms about going for the big ones do } you.) } } As any good Uzbekistanian family knows, a good analogy for life is a } an old radish. } } Hell do you expect an explanation as well with your manners? } } You owe the Oracle a Miss June Dally Watkins Manners Guide, a } collection of Uzbekistani legumes and a blow-up Lisa. --- 413-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most wonderfully Male Oracle, chief of the remaining Titans, > please bestow upon us mortals the answer to one of the eternal > questions. > > It's like this. You walk into the Men's room for a quick > visit. There are two urinals, with no wall separating them, and three > stalls. Another Man is using one of the urinals. Should you > A use the other urinal > B use one of the stalls > C wait for Him to finish, then use a urinal > D run screaming from the room And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I got news for you, O-Soon-to-be-a-Eunuch, you just made a BAD mistake. } Not only is the Oracle about as far from "Male" as yer likely to find, } but her period is due late this week, and she's in the midst of a case } of PMS that would make a supernova look like a cigarette lighter. } } The answer to your chauvinist-pig breast-envy stupid-male-dominance } question is "Shoot the Other Man in the testicles." } } You owe the Oracle 50 megatons of Motrin. --- 413-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: buck@sunyit.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Please tell me a question! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Why should I? --- 413-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Carole Susan Fungaroli The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, most effervescent, whose tongue is more silver than the > moon, whose voice is more velvet than Mel Torme or an Elvis painting, I > have a question. Our local college offers a class on Pubic Speaking, > but ever time I tell the lady I want to enroll in it she just turns red > and giggles. What should I do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, the first thing that you need to do is find out what's up with } this lady. My first guess would be that she is not from an english- } speaking country. } } The phrase, "I would like to enroll in Public Speaking", in Swahili, } is best translated as, "Your dog and mine copulate in the street, yes?" } In Aboriginal Austrailian, it means, "You want to bang your coconuts } against mine?", and in Zulu Click, it means, "!tmeer impw!se Lers!K } seo!Tenkt!", which can only be translated to mean, "Hey babe! How 'bout } you and me go down to the river tonight?" } } You owe the Oracle an English-Sanscrit dictionary, and also a written } apology to the lady for your vulgarity. --- 413-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Karyanta The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most splendiferous and awesome Oracle, whose quick hacks never cause > core dumps or worse, please tell me this: > > Why is it that whenever you find a nice little program that works the > way you want except, for one or two minor glitches, the next release is > always a huge, slow, awkward monstrosity that requires _just slightly > more_ system resourses than you have available? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The answer to your question, my child, depends upon which vendor } you choose. Some examples: } IBM: Upgrade. It's your path to increased performance. Just like } the Borg from StarTrek, Cost is irrelavant. } Dec: We made it spiffy, and added more online HELP resources, plus } a 12 volume guide for new users. This consumes resources. } Apple: The old version is no longer compatable with our company's } policy. Please delete all old versions of your source code. } Elxsi: We lack the recources and staffing to answer your question, } since our phone lines have been disconnected. Looks like } you (and us) are both out of business. } } You owe the Oracle an ES9000, with unlimited resources, as well } as a multi-path to enlightenment. --- 413-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave Disser The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wise and excessively hydrophobic Oracle, master of all words of > wisdom earthly and arcane, whose holiness fills the Khartoum of our > lives as the stars do brighten the night sky, I beg of you grant me > this morsel of your wisdom. How come you disarmingly put herb butter > on your garlic? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } My, My! you are a fine groveller! Allow Me to congratulate you on } the style and wit of your supplications! } } Yes indeed. A good groveller. } } Now, where was I... oh yes... "How come you disarmingly put } herb butter on your garlic?" } } Well, you see, it was like this: } } Once upon a time, many millions of years ago, there was a } young Oracle wandering the dark and seemly forest of } Deliador. There He was beloved of the Gnomes and a great } favorite among the Sylphs and Maenads (who were nice young } ladies then, not the wicked, hurtful things thay became later, } with these horrible black lipsticks and Ojibway haircuts and } whatall). ANyway, He wandered contentedly with the Sylphs } through the forest, and whenever they desired a quick snack } He'd just conjure a cuddly little bunny and give it a tiny } little amplitude-modulated , just enough to cook it to } perfection, and He and the sylphs would sit down and have a } quick nibble. Often after that, they'd feel amorous, and well, } you know Sylphs, and the Oracle was much friskier then, and } one things lead to another, and, well, you know. The } occasional tree would get ted in the heat of passion, and } the Gnomes learned better than to stand around gawping and } making explicit drawings after one of them got a strange green } and was turned into an accordion valve. } } All was well with the Oracle until the day when Valium, } beloved maiden daughter of the Elf-king, wandered into the } sacred grove to gather Gnome droppings for a spell. Although } He was surrounded by the fairest of Sylphs and sweetest of } Maenads, the randy young Oracle wanted none of them any } longer, only the mellow and tranquil daughter of the Faerie } Folks' king. "O Valium", He would cry at night under the full } moon of love, "Come to Me again, My sweet, My stuporous } darling, enfold Me in your dreamy embrace, carry Me into the } clouds!" But there was no answer. Valium had taken a powder. } } In despair, He forswore all food for the rest of eternity, } vowing only to eat condiments and seasonings. Consequently, He } developed a cuisine featuring such delicacies as poached } cardamom, food colouring `a le Roi, peppercorns Montmorency, } MSG tartelets, poitrine of pin~ons, and cassoulet of garlic. } Butter was considered a staple food, but He convinced Himself } that it would be OK if it were herb butter. And thus is } explained this mystery. } } You owe the Oracle to go and thoroughly enjoy the next meal you } have. --- 413-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh splendiferous and snug Oracle, whose knowledge could fill a huge > tank, answer for this idiot this humble query. Is Menachim Begin > really a sorority girl? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, let's consider it category by category: } Menachem Sorority } Begin Girls } } Giddiness: does the individual engage in Yes Yes } wild fits of exaggerated behaviour? } } Attitude: does the individual promise favours Yes Yes } and then not deliver them, or think of him/her self } as one of the Chosen Few? } } Bitchiness: is the individual prone to respond Yes Yes } to encroachment with a preemptive strike? } } Crassness: does the individual present him/her self Yes Yes } in a way that often makes them unappealing? } } Acquisitiveness: does the individual seem to have Yes Yes } an overweening desire to take an ever-greater } share of the pie? } } Secret initiation: did the individual suffer a rite Yes Yes } of passage to attain their group membership? } } Cabal membership: is the individual privy to "secret Yes Yes } meetings" and "official secrets"? } } My-dad's-the-CEO: does the individual rely on Yes Yes } powerful allies for clout? } } Well, that would seem to prove it conclusively. Menachem Begin is } a sorority girl, and all sorority girls are Menachem Begin! Gads, } we must warn the world! } } Oh no, the pods are coming! NONONONONONONONO!!!!!!!!! } AAAAaaaaaargh....... } } You owe the Oracle a jumbo-sized bag of plant fertilizer. --- 413-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle wizened and gnarly beyond all belief, > whose head is as crackly and brown as a leaf, > whose fillings are crafted of finest pure gold, > what is the difference 'tween mildew and mold? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Mildew's on wet things -- of this I am certain, } Like faucets and drains and that old shower curtain, } Mold is what grows on food that's gone bad, } And -- } } Oh, never mind the rhyme. Let me tell you about Moldy Bread Stew. } You're going to love it; trust me. } } Just take a slice of bread, dip it in water (or bouillon, if you're } feeling really adventurous). Leave it out on your kitchen counter } for three weeks. By then, you will have noticed that your bread is } covered in various kinds of mold of all colors. The most commonplace } mold is your basic green mold. You will have lots of that, but you } will also have some orange mold, some white mold, some blue mold and } perhaps even some purple mold. Scrape the mold off the bread } and into a pot filled with carrots, celery, potatoes, cubes of beef, } onions, eye of newt, wing of bat and leg of frog. Then, cook and } serve. Yum yum! } } The effects of Moldy Bread Stew depend on the color of mold used. } The lore of the ancients tells us that each mold color has its own } distinct properties: } } Green conformity; association with the commonplace } } Green mold stew is perfect for people interested in becoming sales } representatives for large computer companies. } } Orange fertility; passion } } Orange mold stew is useful if you and your loved one are planning on } having children, or even if you are just intending to screw like mad } minks. } } White purity; innocence } } Needless to say, mixing orange mold and white mold in a stew will lead } to confusion. (Rumor has it that just such a mixture can be found in } "mystery meat" sold in high school cafeterias.) } } Blue artistic endeavor; sadness } } Don't ask me why these two are lumped together. They just are. Go } paint a sad picture or something. } } Purple eccentricity; hallucinations } } Now, *this* I can recommend. Jimi Hendrix spoke highly of this while } he was alive (reference: "Purple Haze"). A really good batch of } purple mold stew can leave you incoherent and babbling for *days*. } Once or twice, mortals have been able to directly contact *me* using } this stuff (this is not recommended for the faint of heart). } } Bon appetit! } } You owe the Oracle a case of Pepto-Bismol and a copy of Timothy Leary's } "Diary of A Hope Fiend". --- 413-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Roger Noe The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great oracle who would make a much better President than either > Tsongas or Clinton, who already understands that Jerry Brown doesn't > have a snowball's chance in hell, who is wise enough to know why > anybody ever voted for Ronny Ray-gun in the first place, please answer > your humble supplicant this question... > > Why is Pat Buchanon doing this? Doesn't he realize he's going to tear > the Republican party apart? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You grovel most excellently, but you make the mistake of assuming } that I would spend a lot of My time watching the insectile } gyration of your oligarchs. I give you this parable: } } A prince consulted the oracle Malaclypse the Younger one day } and asked him, "O profound and mysterious one, why do the royal } family of our country spend so much of their time and our money } killing each other off? Instead of ruling wisely and well?". } } And Malaclypse rolled his eye (the real one) up to the heavens, } and foamed discreetly from the corners of his mouth. He took up } the Omnignosticum from his workbench, from amidst the bits of } dried amphibians and chelopterae, from under a pile of salted } cod, and negociated it through the winding glass tubes of his } Soxhelet apparatus. } } He set the tome upon his lectern, and began the ritual } incantation. With a weak and wavering gesture, he tossed a } handful of black powder into the air, and when he said the word } "Buxtehude!" it burst into violet flames around him. The book } flew open, and Malaclypse looked at the answer written there, } snorted and slammed the book shut. The flames went out. } } He gave the prince a long and steady look. The young man } quailed under the ancient stare. He fell to his knees. } "Magister", he quavered, "what have you seen?", and Malaclypse } quoth "You won't understand it". The prince begged and begged } him, so finally Malaclypse reconsidered. } } "The reason", Malaclypse hissed, "is greed." } } " 'Greed'?!?!", the prince screamed, " 'GREED'?!?!?! " I } travelled five days and nights without stopping to hear that? } And the prince pulled the dagger out of his belt, threatening } Malaclypse. Malaclypse sighed and made an elaborate gesture. } The prince promptly turned into a carrot. } } Malaclypse sighed as he crunched on the youthful vegetable. } "Ooops. Slip of the tongue. It _actually_ said 'Stupidity'". } } And thus spake Malaclypse the Younger. Blessed be his fnord Name. } } You owe the fnOracle a round-trip ticket to Boston from Toronto. --- 413-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most fabulous and meta-omni Oracle, > Please answer your humble servant; > > SNTF??? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh minor and insignificant supplicant, } } To answer your humble question, the answer is definately no. } Smurfs Need The Freedom....... NOT. The little buggers need to } die a most horrible death. I would ZOT them all but there are so } many of them and they breed like rats (you'd never think so, but } Brainy is responsible for at least 100 children - luckily cats } catch them easily enough - yet another of televisions } falsehoods). } } Sell Nabisco This Friday....... probably shouldn't. The cookies, } crackers, and wafers may taste good, but that pit bull your } neighbor has doesn't seem to like them a whole lot. } } Send NSA THE File......... not a good idea. They know it was } stolen and probably will find you sometime soon. They are not } happy with you. Better eat that disk (I suggest a little Grey } Poupon) or you'll find yourself amazed just how much damage } a rubber hose can do. } } You owe the Oracle a Short Nubile Teen Fanatic.