From oracle-request Wed May 6 07:43:48 1992 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Wed, 6 May 92 07:43:48 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #442 Reply-To: oracle-vote === 442 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #442 Compiled-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU Date: Wed, 6 May 92 07:43:48 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax (probably just reply to this message). For example: 442 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 --- 442-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: dcharlet@rpslmc.edu (dale charletta) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O differently-incarnated Oracle, patron entity of the > ontologically-challenged, one who thinks alternately of Kafka and of > diazenone asks: why am I so tired, so often? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It seems that you failed to look into the mirror in the last few days. } Otherwise you would have noticed that you have turned into a giant bug. } That's why you're so tired - you just have to adapt. } Oh, and don't worry. This won't be for long. The Oracle is on its way } to help you with his online-DeBugger! } } You owe the Oracle something against the cockroaches in his kitchen. } } |>|<| } Oooooouuuuuiiiiioooouuuuiiiioooouuuuiiioooouuhhhyyyy!! } _____|___________________ } / | ___ __| ----- )) } __/.O| | | O' RACLE's | | )))) } | |___| |___| Extinctor | | ------ ))) } | |___| Service |_| ))) } \_____________________________/ ----- )) } \__/ \__/ \__/ )))) --- 442-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Todd Radel The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great and all knowing oracle, > > why don't elephants wear tophats? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It's a question of evolution, really. Back in the good ol' days, when } I was a younger Oracle (but no less wise, of course) elephants used to } be carefree, happy creatures. Then along came Babar, Dumbo and all } those other sellouts. } } The elephant is a sage, careful creature, much given to long } quiet dustbaths in the savannahs, followed by a spot of cricket } and a gin and tonic. (This is where the British got the idea too, but } they're too pompous for dustbaths.) Anyway, picture your African } Gentle-elephant. The very image of debonair good taste, in tails and } tophat. All of a sudden the place is full of gawking tourists, and } kiddies shouting "Look! Dumbo!", and hunters and such. What elephant } would want to attract attention in these circumstances? The answer } is obvious - only sellout running-dog lackey elephants, those with } contracts with the big studios. The rest of elephant-kind removed their } tophats, and tried to blend into the landscape, just waiting for the } day. And yes, the day will come. A new dawn. A time where every } elephant, regardless of ear shape or tusk size will be free to enjoy } the simple pleasures that elephants everywhere once knew. A time where } an elephant can be an elephant - Oh happy day! - without fear of being } photographed, shot, pointed at, or imagined by drunks. } } And the tophats? Man will provide the tophats. Some will be ripped } from the headless bodies of trampled circus MC's, some will be blown } from the balding pates of mayors, some will come from places like } Harrod's and Sak's. And they won't ne paying. Tophats are but a small } part of the terrible price the human race will pay for its arrogance. } } You owe the Oracle the name of the guy who told Tarzan where the } graveyard was. --- 442-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > [last time I asked all that happened is that You mailed it right > back, I mean the #Qa number was gone but other wise there was only > this question, no answer. I didn't understand so I'm sorry to > resubmit this again] > > Oh Timeless Sage, You are truly the only Diety for the 1990's. > > I was kind of wasting a little time earlier today(That is, I wasn't > studying Your Back Digests) and reading some network news. Well, > there's this article that's cross posted to Kingdom Come. The poster > asks the readers to e-mail his account if they have any "lucky" or > "favorite" numbers, why or why not, and otherwise if ever. > > Now, Oracle whom I cherish as I fear, let me explain my viewpoint. > I believe in three things (i) Your Holiness (ii) the scientific > revolution and (iii) computing over networks, in that order I assure > You. Superstition just isn't on the list. > > Should I e-mail him that I like pi because it's irrational and that > I'm working on a proof that it is also prime? Should I tell him I > like infinity because it reminds me of You. I mean, how long can > I ignore a Incredibly Stupid Post like that? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I quote from the Book of Oracle, Chapter 23, verse 7: } } It came to pass that once again the people pestered their Oracle } to reveal upcoming lottery numbers. } } And The Oracle spake unto the people, saying "Knock it off, you } filthy swine! I grow weary of your continuing questions concerning } the laws of chance. Just remember this: the chances are that The } Oracle shall win, while you shall lose." } } A small child then attempted to walk to The Oracle, but was stopped } by the crowd. The Oracle spake again, saying unto them "Yeah, } ok, let him through already." } } And the boy did so, and came, and sat upon the Oracular Lap. } Looking up, he did grin, and did ask "Mayn't I even have a lucky } number?" } } The Oracular Heart was softened, and stated He "Well, I suppose, } if it makes you feel better." } } And lo, the crowd was well pleased, and entoned the traditional } response: "Awwww-reeeeeet!" } } So I guess it's my fault, I encouraged the use of lucky numbers. Think } of it as evolution in action. } } Incidentally it is e, not pi, that is prime. } } You owe the Oracle a new traditional response. --- 442-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > To: ORACLE > > O Oracle, older than a giant sequoia, larger than Roseanne, please tell > me: > > Which came first, the chicken or the egg? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Another grovel like that and I'll turn you into Dan Quayle. } } The chicken came first, because it had to get laid before the egg } could. (This presumes that the rooster was enough of a } gentleman to make sure the chicken came first, but he probably wasn't. } You know how men are.) } } You owe the Oracle some Kentucky Nuggets. --- 442-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark McCafferty The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh mighty Oracle, whose programs always compile at the first attempt, > who never leaves dangling pointers, whose code is compact and efficient > yet easily maintainable, I prostrate myself most abjectly before you > and crave an answer to my miserable question. > > Long and oft have I struggled with the arcane magic spells necessary to > appease the god Unix. Alas, such mysterious incantations as "awk", > "grep", "yacc", "troff" etc. are beyond my mere mortal understanding. I > humbly beg you to explain the meaning of these words. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } These words have no meaning. They are relics of a bygone age, and most } stem from a crusty old Scots sysadmin by the name of MacGregor. } MacGregor was a REAL programmer. Most of those things you say of me } applied to him also, and he NEVER used any editor but vi. He never } used any language but C. And he NEVER, NEVER, NEVER even went NEAR } a ms-dos box or a Mac. } } 'awk!' was what MacGregor used to say when he was surprised, } possibly from a very hot mouthful of haggis. } 'grep' is what MacGregor used to say (involuntarily) after a } good haggis at lunchtime. It usually came out as } 'GRE-E-E-E-P!' } 'yacc' means "That haggis was bad!' (as in 'YACC!!') } 'troff' is really an acronym. If his haggis was burnt, MacGregor } used to shout 'TROFF!' - this means, of course, } "Try Removing Offal From Flame." } } You owe the Oracle a well-cooked haggis. --- 442-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Roger Noe The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > To: ORACLE > > O Oracle, cooler than Antarctica during a cold snap, fantastically > freezable, please tell me: > > My boyfriend is completely stressed out and on the verge of a > breakdown. How can I best nurse him back to health? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, supplicant, you have failed to mention exactly what it is that is } causing so much stress for your boyfriend. In my Omnipotence, however, } I already know the answer. You are possessed of a nearly god-like } patience. (Don't worry. As long as he takes his medicine, it should } clear up in a few weeks.) } } In the meantime, you have several options: } } 1) You can enroll in an accredited nursing school. This has the } advantage of allowing you to actually nurse him "back to } health." However, bear in mind that he probably won't want to } wait several years for you to work your tender mercies and will } run off with a forty-year-old exotic dancer. The upside to } this, of course, is that you will now have a viable career. } } 2) The "shotgun" method. There are actually two variations on } this theme. The first, you just hold your favorite firearm to } his temple and tell him to "snap out of it." The other is much } more cruel. You must simply tell him, cryptically, that you } know "just what the problem is" and leave several bridal } magazines laying about in strategic places. } } 3) (The Oracle's favorite.) Buy a bunch of bananas, a case of } Quaker State 10W-40, a trampoline, a cordless drill, any heavy } metal album and the book "Lisa's 101 Sure-Fire Cures of } Oracular Funks." Follow Lisa's advice explicitly. If that } doesn't cure him, nothing will. } } You owe the Oracle the videotape. --- 442-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Karyanta The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wise and forever wonderful Oracle, please answer my humble query: > > Hmm? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hmm indeed. } } There are in fact languages which have no vowels in them. There are, } of course, languages which are known to include no vowels in their } writing, but there are also languages which have no vowels in them } whatsoever. } } These curious occurences of vowel-less languages are rare, as can be } expected, and are normally very short-lived. Some of the } shortest-lived of these languages come from people with trivial and } meaningless questions. They are new vocabularies and grammars generated } on the spot, disappearing instantly as the speaker turns from living } human being into a less evolved form, such as jelly or ash. } } Here are some examples of these short-lived languages: } } Hlp! Rcl, sm t hve lst ll m vwls. wht d d? } } Hw mch wd wd wd chck chk f wd chck cld chck wd? } } Bt y cn't m, hh hh hh! } } Although difficult to comprehend, they are not gibberish, but } fully-developed languages. } } You owe the Oracle a nght n th twn. --- 442-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, whose brilliance outshines 10th magnitude stars, whose > knowledge surpasses that of the wisest oldest and most gnarled > sages on earth. Oh Oracle, I lay at thy feet my most humble person > and ask of thee a most stupid question > Oh Oracle, why are you male? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } As in Moby Dick, where Capt. Ahab walks through the streets with } a cape made of the leathery skin from the penis of a great blue, } I am male because I have a very large penis. --- 442-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Carole Susan Fungaroli The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wise and splendiferous oracle, > > It's 1.00am, yet the computing lab is still full. > Does EVERYONE have a project to hand in tomorrow? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } you can come up with a better grovel than that, supplecant. } } (cue very minor {ZOT}) } } However, that question is of utmost importance, so I will answer. } } } G O D N E T A C C E S S } } computer connections to every machine in the world } total power at your fingertips } } USERID: /ORACLE } PASSWORD: ***** } } GREAT ORACLE, WHOSE FEET I AM UNWORTHY TO WASH, AND ALL THAT JAZZ, } WHAT DO YOU WANT *NOW*? } } ?: usersearch } } THERE ARE 400,083 USERS LOGGED ON WORLDWIDE AT THIS MOMENT. ADDING } NON-NETWORKED USERS, THERE ARE 3,023,433 USERS STARING INTO VDTS AT } THIS MOMENT. WHAT ELSE YOU WANT ME TO DO, ORRIE? } } ?: cross-search } } WHAT IS YOUR LIMITING FACTOR? } } ?: deadlines } } IS THAT IT? (Y/N) } } ?: y } } 100,034 ARE GOVERNMENT USERS, WITH REPORTS DUE BETWEEN MONDAY AND } A WEEK FROM TUESDAY. THE MAJORITY OF THEM ARE JAPANESE, WESTERN } EUROPEAN OR AMERICAN. THE LARGEST CATAGORY IN THE U.S. ARE POLICE } OFFICERS WRITING CIVIL RIGHTS REPORTS TO THEIR COMMISSIONERS. } } 534,157 ARE STUDENTS (WEIGHTED TOWARD COLLEGE) WHO HAVE REPORTS } DUE WITHIN THE NEXT WEEK. THERE ARE AT LEAST 12 MAJOR UNIVERSITIES } IN THE U.S. WHOSE STUDENT-ACCESSABLE COMPUTER LABS ARE TOTALLY FULL, } WITH A LARGE NUMBER OF SMALLER UNIVERSITIES WITH SIMILAR PROBLEMS. } } 678,234 ARE PLAYING A COMPUTER GAME. "TETRIS" HAS THE HIGHEST } NUMBER OF THOSE PLAYERS. HOWEVER, AT LEAST 100,000 ARE PLAYING THEM } IN STUDENT-ACCESSABLE COMPUTER LABORATORIES, HOGGING COMPUTERS FROM } STUDENTS WAITING FOR COMPUTERS TO FINISH WRITING REPORTS. } } IS THAT GOOD ENOUGH? } } ?: fine } } OK. CATCHYA. SAY HEY TO LISA, WOULD YOU? ALSO, ASK HER TO USE THE } BATTERY-POWERED THING INSTEAD OF THE CUCUMBER. I CAN'T SENSE THROUGH } CUKES. } } ?: huh } } THANK YOU FOR USING GODNET ACCESS. } NO CARRIER } ------------------------------------------------------------------------ } } ------------------------------------------------------------------------ } There you have it. The total use is less than 1% of the human } population and even less when you vector in animals. } } You owe the Oracle a flux capacitor that can handle 1.21 gigawatts. --- 442-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: CLHP19@vaxb.strathclyde.ac.uk The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, who achieves a greater high than Edward Fitzgerald ever did > during the translation of the Rubaiyat, please answer my question... > > "Who is the potter, pray, and who the pot?" > > Weirdbeard the still unsteady > Now under the Teapot > Stoke-On-Trent > U.K. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I shall decline to answer this question, as you are obviously English.