From oracle-request Fri May 15 07:20:45 1992 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Fri, 15 May 92 07:20:45 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #444 Reply-To: oracle-vote === 444 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #444 Compiled-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU Date: Fri, 15 May 92 07:20:45 -0500 @@@ From far away in Spain, the Great Kinzler has managed to get voting @@@ into some semblance of order. People should already be receiving @@@ their congrat letters. Please note that some people are gonna get @@@ their accounts overflowed with Oracular love/hate-mail. :) @@@ The Great Dijester -- JRP To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax (probably just reply to this message). For example: 444 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 --- 444-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, all-knowing and kind Oracle, please answer me this. How do > you cure a broken heart? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } All knowing? Sure } } Kind? Heh! You got the wrong Oracle, buddy. } } First, rip the offending organ out of the body, which may require } breaking the breastbone, but oh well. Then, whip out yer crazy glue } and glue together the broken bits. Be sure to let it set for 10 } seconds! Voila! The heart is cured. } } Unless you meant cured as in bacon. If that's what you want, skip the } crazy glue part and hang the heart up in a smoke house for a few weeks. } } Keeping the rest of the body alive while curing the heart is left as an } exercise for the reader. } } You owe the Oracle a question that's meant to be taken literally. --- 444-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Greg Wohletz The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O wondrous Oracle, who never forgets anything (even though I submitted > this question before and never got an answer), please tell me: > > I live in New England. We are currently dealing with 40-50 degree > weather and it's the first week of May. It has also been one of the > coldest winters we've had in years, with wind chills at 20-40 below > zero for weeks at a time. What's with all these people who are > screaming about global warming? All I see is the coming of the next > Ice Age. Could you explain this? > > (Also, just as an aside, any favors I could do you to get some warmer > weather around here? I know you have some "influence" with Mother > Nature.) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Most of the data for those global warming charts was collected on } Hawaii. Scientists make grandiose claims because they like the } attention. They figure if they go on a lecture circuit they'll get to } stay in fancy hotels and meet lots of nubile women. There is something } to global warming, but not as much as the scientists think. } } Mother Nature was a gorgeous babe in her day (all the He-gods followed } her around like puppies). But as the years passed she grew weary of } her job, especially since Man was competing with her for control of the } planet. She retired recently, and now spends her time chasing after } the older He-gods. She still has nice legs with dainty feet. Meantime, } Nature's systems have been left to flux and cycle aimlessly in the } mother's absence. The bizarre weather is simply random so don't take } it personally. } } As for favors, I don't need favors. I take whatever I want whenever I } want, and this includes nubile women. } } You owe the Oracle a glacial ice cocktail. --- 444-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, who knows more than Odin, who is stronger than Tor, and > whose magnanimousity is more than enough, please answer my humble > question: > > why is it that most people only know about Greek mythology, and know > nothing about Scandinavian? I mean, what did the Greeks do, besides > getting invaded by the Romans and doing a couple of sculptures (and all > of them without arms too)? Surely that can't even be compared to what > we Vikings achieved: robbing almost every major city in Europe, > discovering Vineland (or America, as it is known by those who don't > understand history), Greenland, and Iceland (that one was hard, it's > easy to miss it since it's so small; Vineland was a breeze in > comparison), and generally having a better time than most in the Dark > Ages (it's almost unbelievable how jealous of us most people were then, > and still are, since they won't put it into their history books). And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Jealous? Ha! We laugh at you miserable lemmings, shivering in the } perpetual darkness of your godforsaken hell-hole, going to bed at 8 PM, } and paying ten bucks for a beer. Who could possibly believe that the } vikings had anything to do with the modern inhabitants of Sweden - a } bland, colorless race of civil servants who manage to make even sex } boring. The only good thing to come out of Sweden is Britt Ekland - } perhaps I should say the only good pair of things. After all, I'm the } oracle and I can say disgustingly chauvinist and non-PC things if I } like! --- 444-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ken McGlothlen The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O wise Oracle. > You know all of our thoughts even before we think of them. > You read minds the way we humble mortals read newspapers. > You can see all things beautiful and ugly, > Hear all things melodious and grating, > Smell all things fragrant and nauseating. > No lie can possibly deceive you. > > WHY IS EVERYONE OUT TO GET ME? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Because you're a paranoid schizophrenic. Since the dawn of } psychotherapy, a secret society of analysts has been keeping lists of } people throughout the world with persecution complexes. As soon as } this evil cabal of shrinks hears about a new customer, they immediately } infiltrate the poor victim's friends and relatives, turning all of them } against the nutty victim who will then, seeing all his or her } persecution fantasies realized, will run to the door of the nearest } mental-health clinic or couchmaster, spending all their money and } assuring that psychoanalysts pillage the wallets of countless innocents } for all eternity. } } Good racket they've got there, eh? The Oracle suggests that you do not } seek counseling, but instead, stop acting so paranoid. As soon as the } cabal sees that you are no longer a crazed maniac seeing conspiracies } behind every door, they will leave you alone and seek out a new } customer somewhere else. } } You owe the Oracle a an autographed copy of the Illuminatus trilogy and } a straitjacket. } } [ Hi! I'm an Oracular signature virus. Incorporate me in your answers } and watch me spread! ] --- 444-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave Disser The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, dear, I'm in your apartment. It's raining outside, > I'm bored and I want to go shopping. However, you > cheap bastard, you've left me with nothing but a pair of > silk pyjama pants. How do I get home? > > And if you tell me to click my heels and say "I wish I were > back in Kansas, by God these lips shall never touch thine again." > > Petulantly, Lisa. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The scene: two old men sheltering from the pouring rain in a } bus-shelter. } } Suddenly what could only be described as a "Woman" (probably the only } one ever to truly earn the capitalization) flies past wearing only a } pair of silk pyjama pants. Being unfamiliar with the concept of } "pyjamas" she is definitely wearing them in a way for which they were } not originally intended. Suffice it to say that afterwards they will } need a damn good ironing, and the stains may never come out. } } One old man surges to his feet, claws his chest, and slumps back onto } the rain-slick concrete. His life is ebbing fast, but for some reason } a small smile plays around his lips. } } "Guido," he gasps, "You probably never knew this, but the only wealth I } have in this world is that apartment building. And my only claim to } fame is that the UseNet Oracle lives in the penthouse. And now, after } all these years, I'm going to have to evict him." } } "But Luigi, why, why, why would you have to do that?" Guido realizes } that his friend is not much longer for this world. } } "Why, didn't you see? His Lisa just ran out." --- 444-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Stephen C. Miller" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Scene: A baptism somewhere in Indiana. The preacher is standing at the > open grave, nearby lying is already the gravestone, marked > "The Usenet Oracle - 1.000.000.000.007 b. c. - 1992". > > Preacher: And so we wave a last goodbye to our old comrade, the Usenet > Oracle, who died last week of tiresome grovelings. And we > hope that his friend, The Supplicant, who is among us today, > will take The Oracle's place and continue the good and > merciful works of The Oracle. > Ashes to ashes ... > (Lisa - supported by The Supplicant in a dark suit, a brightly-coloured > tie and sandals - approaches the open grave and throws a bucket of > beautful flowers into it.) > Lisa (sobbing and crying): Go - Go - Good-bye, Or - Orrie! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Fooled you, didn't I? Yeah, yeah, yeah, I've heard it all } before. "God is dead--Nietzsche" followed by the usual rejoinder } "Nietzsche is dead--God." You believe everything you read? What } are you, some kind of dummy? } } Of COURSE the Oracle's not dead. But don't tell that to Louie } "Bananas" Molinaro and the boys up in Atlantic City. You see, } it's like this... } } ...I was feeling kinda good at the tables one night. Kinda } loose. Kinda lucky. Next thing I know I'm rolling high, buying } up the little guys and winning on every number. I'm coverin' the } angles, takin' care of business. The casino owner gets } suspicious, know what I mean? Yeah. He tries sending over one } of his monkey-suit floor bosses to offer me drinks on the house, } and a fine meal. I says "no deal," 'cause I'm rolling lucky. } Got Lisa at my side, blowin' on the dice to make 'em win. Yeah, } life is sweet. SWEET. } } Next thing I know, the casino says there's a call for Lisa on the } house phone, and as soon as she steps away from the tables, the } most beautiful dame I ever laid eyes on steps outa the crowd and } slides a knowing hand down the fronta my trousers. Holy me! I } nearly dropped my dice, but Ralph stood to attention, if you get } my drift. I wasn't born yesterday, though. In fact, I wasn't } born last MILLENIUM. This broad's workin' for the casino, and } they paid her to drag me away from the tables for a little } upstairs action, if you get what I'm sayin' to ya. } } So I says "Blow, babe," and she winks at me and purses her lips } into a soft little "O." Oh-oh. Lisa comes back to the table, } and nearly decks miss fancy-pants right there on the floor. } There's a scene. Lisa gets a swing in before I can pull her } away, and the broad pulls out a gun. It gets real quiet in the } place, let me tell ya. So I says "Hold on, hot lips, we're } leavin'. Just put away the piece and we'll walk away nice and } quiet like." Just then a meaty paw clamps down on my shoulder, } and a voice says "Not so fast." } } It's Louie "Bananas" Molinaro, the most notorious mobster alive. } He makes John Gotti look like Alan Alda. This clown is so well } connected, if you get on his wrong side you can't go to witness } protection--heck, you can't remain on this PLANET if Louie } Bananas has your number. I gulped. I smiled. And like a fool, } I lost my temper and turned him into a nun. Just then Lisa } screamed "RUN!" and I turned around and saw about twenty of his } goons comin' at me carryin' every weapon imaginable. Submachine } guns. Automatic weapons. It was a military arms build up right } there in the Sands Hotel. } } We ran, and we vanished, but we made off with the money. All of } it. Not that the Oracle NEEDS money, but I didn't want to give } it back. It was the principle of the thing, an' I got } principles, let me tell ya. We knew we was marked, though, and } that we could never go back to Atlantic City to gamble again } unless the syndicate thought I was iced. Laid out. Rigor } mortissimo on a slab with a toe tag and a bad makeup job. So we } faked it. It was kinda fun. Lisa sobbin' and cryin' and } carryin' on, and both of us laughing behind our hands at the } great insurance settlement we're gonna get. } } So don't believe everything you read in the papers. And if you } see Louie Bananas in the convent, ask him how many Hail Marys HE } had to say. . . } } You owe the Oracle a dozen Our Fathers, two dozen Hail Mary's, } and a more believable New Joisey accent. --- 444-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark McCafferty The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > An old friend of mine is getting married this summer. Do you have any > advice for him? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Since there was no grovel with this question, you get the serious } answer. } } Tell him to treat her with love and respect at all times, even when } they might be mad at each other. Always communicate openly and } honestly with her, and never assume anything. The only secrets should } be what you will give her for her birthday or Christmas. Bend over } backwards and do more than you have to: when you find yourself } comparing who does what and how much in the marriage or around the } house, it is too late. Little surprises like a flower or card don't } have to wait for "special" or "official" days; any and every day is } fine. } } A long and loving marriage is more and harder work than any job you can } dream of; but the rewards for putting in the effort are out of this } world! } } You owe the oracle a bottle of champagne and a photo of the happy } couple! --- 444-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Roger Noe The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why did Sam-I-Am's favorite prostitute fart in Rio? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I am Pam } Pam I am. } } A prostitute } for Sam I am. } } I like to do it in a box. } I like to do it with a fox. } I like to do it in the rain. } I like to do it in a train. } I like to do it when I laugh. } I like to do it on a calf. } I like to do it in a cart. } I like to do it while I fart. } I like to make a wham-slam-bam! } I do! I like it! Pam I am! --- 444-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most esteemed Oracle, one of the few sentient beings in the > universe who understands the ways of the female gender, my > girlfriend of one year has left me. I am devastated. What > should I do? How can I continue? .s And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } * * * * * * * * * * } * * * * } * * * * } * * * * } * * * } * Roses are red, violets are blue, * } * Lisa loves Orrie but no one loves you * } * * } * * } * Lillies are white and daffodils are yellow * } * What can you do, you unfortunate fellow? * } * * } * * } * Grass is green and poppies are red * } * Lets face it, you've blown it - * } * you'd be better off dead * } * * } * * * } * You owe the Oracle a * * } * crash course in * * } * compassion and * * * } * sympathy * * * } * * * * } * ****** --- 444-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: ewhac@ntg.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Which super hero is the most disgusting? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You really want to know that? It's not a pretty story. I'd probably } refuse to answer, citing grounds of community standards, except that } since you didn't grovel I'll just spit it out. Let that be a lesson } to you. } } Current mythology holds that Inside-Out Man is the most disgusting. } Actually he is but a pale shadow. The Hulk tends to have a rather } unpleasant bodily odor, but it's not him either. The Pus Man is right } up near the top, but he can only burst over so many people at once. } Even the much vaunted Fart Man is a mere blast of wind in the face of: } } Dr. Fig, with his disquieting and unpleasant power over people's } digestive tracts. Originally he started out as a super criminal - you } really didn't want to be in a bank he was robbing, let me tell you. } More recently he has turned over a new leaf and become a super hero, } although the police seem to be reluctant to call upon him. } } Incidentally you should know that Dr. Fig obtained his unpleasant } ability over others by falling into a vat of radioactive *prunes*. Now } there's a Jeopardy question for you. } } You owe the Oracle a bottle of Pepto-Bismol.