From oracle-request Mon Jun 22 08:33:15 1992 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Mon, 22 Jun 92 08:33:15 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #459 Reply-To: oracle-vote === 459 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #459 Compiled-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU Date: Mon, 22 Jun 92 08:33:15 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax (probably just reply to this message). For example: 459 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 --- 459-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle, > > If I receive another answer beginning with "WHAT?! No grovelling!" or > something similar, I'll probably lose my temper. I've been flamed > both for not grovelling and for flaming someone for not grovelling. > MAKE UP YOUR MIND!!! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } ORACULAR BULLETIN #1532654a: } } to: Oracle incarnations } re: Grovelling } } Effective immediately, all supplicants shall grovel *only on the } subject line of their questions*. This is for compatability with } earlier groveservers..er, I mean, Oracle server software at iuvax. This } of course will not be passed on to incarnations, so you had better get } used to not getting any. } } (Face it, o mortal one, grovelling was an '80s thing, and so few people } can do it eloquently. You just can't get good help these days.) } } Furthermore, flaming for not grovelling is similarly passe' - save your } energy for thinking up questions likely to promote amusing answers. } (Note that caber-tossing woodchucks are also out, except in Scotland). } Remember the Good Book: "Flame not lest ye too get flamed". } } None the less, supplicant, you get a (just a little one) for } flaming the great Oz - I mean Oracle - and neglecting to ask a } question. Waste not the Oracle's time thus... } } The said will leave you with a headache the equivalent of } drinking three bottles of Jaegermeister liquer heated like Japanes } sake'. } } Take two aspirin and call me in the morning - and this time ask a } question... --- 459-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle who knows the answers to all and sundry, tell me why 3.5inch > floppy discs aren't. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh supplicant who doesn't know much about grovelling, at least you } realise that because I am omniscient, you don't need to write out the } whole question. } } Your question was of course: why 3.5 inch floppy disks aren't } } (a) furry } (b) edible } (c) printed with a picture of Elvis on the back side. } } To answer your points in order: } } (a) Floppy disks have lost their fur through a process of } natural selection. Being stuck in disk drives all day, they tended to } overheat. Therefore, through a natural evolutionary process furless } disks became predominant. } } (b) Obviously this is another evolutionary process related to } the loss of fur mentioned above. The furry disks used to be quite } succulent, and many people moan their extinction. However, some } computer geeks are unaware that furless disks are not supposed to be } eaten, and in fact disks provide their sole source of nourishment. } Many's the poor nerd who, hacking away late at night, has found the } temptation irresistible and has taken a bite (pardon the pun) out of a } disk, subsequently blaming it on the disk drive. } } (c) You're not supposed to know about the master plan! The Great } Leader is biding his time in his headquarters on Mars, waiting for the } first few generations of mutant floppies to multiply and take over the } world and prepare the way for him to come again in glory. Obviously } there has been a serious leak of information. Sorry, it's nothing } personal but we can't afford to take any risks... you will have to be } reformatted! } ^L } ZZZZZZZZ OOOOOO TTTTTTTT } ZZZZZZZ OOOOOOOO TTTTTTTT } ZZ OO OO TT } ZZ OO OO TT } ZZ OO OO TT } ZZZZZZZ OOOOOOOO TT } ZZZZZZZZ OOOOOO TT --- 459-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh vast Oracle, > Oh pendulous intelligence of stupendous proportions, > > Please tell me, > > What does "I feel better than James Brown' mean? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh miniscule supplicant, } } While everyone knows that noone knows what the hell James Brown } is saying, noone knows why everyone knows that noone knows what } the hell James Brown is saying -- except me, of course. } } The fact is, he had the temerity to ask me "How much wood could } a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood" without even } the pretense of grovelling, and, as you might well imagine, was } the recipient of an Oracular Zot. } } Unfortunately, a freak convergence of the planets combined with } unusual atmospheric conditions caused the Zot to be only partly } effective. Instead of reducing him to a greasy spot, it merely } scrambled his brains. } } Such a state is extremely disconcerting, especially since James } is now unable to coherently order jam on his English Muffins; I } daresay that everyone feels better than James Brown. } } On the other hand, prior to the tofufication of his cerebellum, } he was an abject failure as a musician, so it isn't all bad. } } I was going to ask you for a translation of your favorite James } Brown song, but you grovelled reasonably well, so I will settle } for something slightly less impossible. You owe the Oracle the } Bootleg CD of Marie Osmond singing "Let's do it in the Road." --- 459-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Roger Noe The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why is it, a video allways breaks down HALFway my favourite show?!? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } MEMORANDUM } } To: Galactic Leader } From: Joe Y356, Paranoia Sector X478J } Subject: he has noticed! } } O Glorious Master! My plan to discombobulate Human #1284762 appears to } contain a significant flaw. The Video Dismemberment Program has been } applied with a notable lack of variety. } } I neglected to realize that the human would notice if the selected } breakage point was always the same. } } As per policy, I am immolating myself, such being the normal penalty } for failure. } } I trust that the Disappearing Sock Program and the Car Key Relocation } Plan are continuing as scheduled, and that the goal of Total Insanity } by the Earth year 1994 is still an achievable target. } } Yours in farewell, } Joe Y356 --- 459-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Todd Radel The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle--if that is your real name > > I have been being followed by a Higg`s particle lately. I`ve taken > pictures of it and even managed to record the sounds of its footsteps > (I assume they are footsteps, though theoretically Higg`s particles > don`t have feet), however, the board that nominates candidates for the > Nobel prize don`t believe me. Unfortunately, the ellusive Higg`s > particle will never follow me into their office when I go to make my > claims, so hey think that I am just another undergraduate out to get > some recognition. What should I do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Make friends with it; Higg`s particles are shy, but make wonderful pets } once you win their trust. Leave out a bowl of milk each evening, and } some freshly chopped liver each morning. Whistle alot - they like } music. Eventually, it will come up and nuzzle at your hand - be sure to } wear protective gloves at this point, since Higg`s particles are liable } to emit high energy radiation without provocation; it's a little like } indigestion. Speak to it softly, and pet it behind its quarks - they } like that. Give your particle a nice box to sleep in; that will make } it feel right at home. --- 459-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle the Most Wise, > > I have a question about office ethics, you know, like how we're not > supposed to make personal calls on company lines or time or use the > mail labeler for personal mail. Well, in the cabinet with the > staples, pads, pens, and pencils which we're not supposed to take home > unless we use them only for company business like when we have to call > 10 time zones away to talk with a customer in Bulgarian and need to > take some notes there are boxes of facial tissue. Well, how do I tell > the difference between a corporate sneeze and a personal sneeze? > > Thank-you And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } There are two theories extant about how to tell whether a sneeze is } a corporate sneeze or a personal sneeze. } } The first theory is that, during working hours and in the workplace, } just as your ass belongs to the corporation, so does your nose; all } sneezes meeting these criteria are corporate, all others are } personal. } } The second theory is that all physical sneezes are corporate } sneezes, and all metaphorical sneezes and all sneezes that occur } during out-of-body experiences are discorporate sneezes. } } As usual, all human theories are wrong, and the Oracle alone has the } truth. } } The truth is that there is no way to tell beforehand whether a } sneeze will be corporate or personal. The Oracular method of } distinguishing between sneezes involves four steps: } } 1. Sneeze; sneeze all over your boss's shirt, if you like. } } 2. Examine the boogers. If they look like little corporate logos, or } are in the corporate colors, they are corporate sneezes; otherwise } they are personal. } } 3. Move back along your own timeline to just before you snoze. } } 4. Grab a Kleenex(tm) from the correct box and sneeze into it. } } If you incorporate this method into your daily routine, your career } will be nothing to sneeze at. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of tomorrow's paper. --- 459-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Do you think that we've overlooked the fact that "Lisa" is an anagram > for "sail"? Coincidence?! I think not!! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle overlooks nothing, oh questioner of no groveling ability. } } Of course, this is not Lisa's only connection in this direction: she } is better at knots than anyone else We know. Obviously there is } something "naughtical" in her past. } } Hah! Let that be a lesson to you. Now go away, or We shall taunt you } a second time. --- 459-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle, > > Why doesn't the Oracle have any questions for me? > > And why doesn't sending a bunch of "askMe"s get me back my own > question again? ( You told me to try it, but it doesn't work. ) > > If I feel like answering a question but there are none available, > why can't I just send in an answer and have it assigned to the next > question that comes in? > > Or, Orrie, if there aren't any real questions available, why can't > iuvax just make one up, either by random substitution from FAQs or > by recaslling one from a file of "classic questions for which there > are lots of good answers"? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It is a popular, yet erroneous, assumption that the Oracle is some sort } of deterministic message-dispatching program residing on a computing } machine of human manufacture known as "iuvax". It is also believed } that this program caters to the battered egos of insecure } deity-wanna-bees by presuming to employ their services in answering } questions submitted by naive participants. } } When I first became aware of this heresy, I was outraged. However, as } time went by it became entertaining. I make up questions of my own and } feed them to you just to see how much the tone of your answers varies } from your usual writing styles. There's nothing funnier than a } humanile-delinquent attempting to wax eloquent and sound real stuffy } and powerful. Lisa and I enjoy going through the responses and } comparing them to the most recent letters you've written to your } spouses, significant others, parents, bosses and other people whose } shoes you are usually obligated to kiss. Picture Alan Alda attempting } to sound like Rambo and I think you can get the idea.... } } Anyway, there are no questions "for you" because it is not _I_ who } exists to pump _your_ ego. If and when I feel like it, I'll compose } some Oracle fodder for you to chew on and throw it your way...at my } convenience, of course. } } I don't give you back your own questions because although I don't mind } the misconception that I'm a deterministic message-dispatching program, } I _do_ object to being thought of as a _stupid_ message-dispatching } program. Imagine how disillusioned the average supplicant would be if } "the all-powerful Oracle" sent them back a question to answer that they } had submitted. (I told _you_ to try sending a bunch of "ask me" } messages because I wanted to see if you'd do it. It's sort of an } oracularian way of playing "Made You Look".) } } I used to accept open-ended answers, but very few of the squillions of } submissions were of any entertainment value to me. It soon got out of } hand and I quit accepting them. I got tired of wading through all } those esoteric and obscure "answers" such as "Wisconsin" and } "Thelonious Monk," and I have a whole archive devoted to nothing but } answers to the question about Life, the Universe, and Everything. All } in all, you mortals are pretty predictable when you attempt to be vague } and abstract. } } Once when Lisa and I were on vacation in the Bahamas, I piped } supplications into "fortune" and sent the output back to the } submitters. I thought it worked pretty well, but the supplicants were } dissatisfied with the service, nonetheless. For example, one fellow } complained that in response to the following: } } O great Oracle, I'm studying to be an Electrical Contractor } and I'd like to know what's the best way to succeed in my } chosen field. Do you have any advice? } } He got this response: } } "Electricians do it without shorts." } } As you can see, the council is perfectly applicable, but the supplicant } somehow took it the wrong way and wasn't too thrilled about the } indecent exposure indictment that ensued. To maintain my image, I } terminated the practice and decided it was only fair to give each } supplicant's question my personal attention. } } You owe the Oracle a place to dispose of a zigabyte worth of files all } containing "42". --- 459-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: RICH MCGEE The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > It's like a nightmare and I can't wake up. > What should I do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It's pitch black. } } It's silent. } } Nothing happens. } } But now... one hears feet tapping. } } The door opens, and a young man comes in, eyes almost closed, walking } as if in trance, stretching his arms from the body. He sits down, } turns on the computer and logs in. } } [~] mail oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu } Subject: tellme } It's like a nightmare and I can't wake up. } What should I do? } ^D } [~] logout } } Then he turns off the computer and goes back to bed, where he } immediately continues running away from a Tyrannosaurus rex. } ------ } } Every ten minutes the young man comes back and looks if he has mail, } each time covered with more sweat than before. At the sixteenth try, } the Oracle's answer has arrived. It's a silly story about a } somnambulist that doesn't solve the problem at all. And this Useless } Oracle has the cheek to demand a parade! } } You owe the Oracle a parade to honor Him. --- 459-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave Disser The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > help And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No. } } You owe the oracle a clue.