From oracle-request Thu Jul 2 13:17:38 1992 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Thu, 2 Jul 92 13:17:38 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #465 Reply-To: oracle-vote === 465 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #465 Compiled-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU Date: Thu, 2 Jul 92 13:17:38 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax (probably just reply to this message). For example: 465 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 --- 465-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle most wise, this wretched louse of a supplicant did > ask thee: > > > Dost thy omniscience allow thee to know that question to which > > thou dost not know the answer? > > And thou, in thy wisdom and mercy, did answer > > } Hmmm, let's see... > } > } If I answer 'No', that would mean I don't know which question it is I > } can't answer. However, it would also be true that I couldn't answer > } the question: "To which question dost thou not know the answer?" I > } would know, then, which question would be the answer to your original > } question, and so my original 'No' answer would be incorrect. > } > } If I answer 'I don't know', that would immediately contradict itself, > } for then my answer would instead have to be yes, because I would then > } know that yours is the question to which I do not know the answer. > } > } Therefore, the answer to your question must be yes. > } > } You owe the Oracle a question with more than one possible answer. > > I wish to satisfy the Oracle's most reasonable and gracious request. > As thou admittest that thou knowest a question to which thou > knowest not the answer (and let a mighty ZOT fall upon that > wretch who dares suggest that this contradicts thine omniscience), > I wish to know: > > What is that question? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, you named it. } "Which is that question?" } But does this really have more than one answer? } Ah, here we are. It obviously has. I have found the second question } I can't answer. It is: } "But does this really have more than one answer?" } } You owe the Oracle a less worrying question. It need not necessarily } have an answer. --- 465-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle, > when will the girl I love be visiting her boyfriend for the last time? > > Depressed Supplicant And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } On October 17, 2045, when she watches his casket being lowered into } the ground, after 52 years of joyful marriage to him. } } You will be at the service, gray but unbowed, ever faithful. } As she leaves, you will walk over to her, grasp her hand, and look } her in the eye. "Your grief is my own, my dear," you will say. } "But broken hearts can be mended, and 52 years is but a moment } to the eyes of love." } } Her eyes will drop briefly and then meet yours. } } "Get lost, you little weasel!" she will say. } -- } } You owe the Oracle a life. --- 465-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark McCafferty The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh! Invisible E-Mail from 1992! I hadn't thought that it was invented } at that time already! } On second thought... } } iuvax::oracle> :decrypt } message no? (hit return to decrypt last read message) } o.k. } iuvax::oracle> :read /last } } Oh mighty Oracle, whose wisdom is beyond comprehension! } Could you help us? We are trapped in a time loop on the planet Earth } in 1992! } Yours Sincerely - The Crew of Starship Enterprise } Cpt. Picard } } } iuvax::oracle> :beam } From? Earth/1992/ } To? Federation Headquarters 2200/12/24 } Whom? Crew/Enterprise :excl 'Wesley Crusher' } ... done: 11 persons beamed. } iuvax::oracle> :zot! -rf } Whom? Wesley C* } ... done: 123867 persons ted. } } Damn... } You owe the Oracle a little bit more care in the use of wildcards. } And 20 new episodes with Captain Kirk! --- 465-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Carole Susan Fungaroli The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Sire, > > My name is Kuo-Ching but you can call me Kenny, that is my English > name. I student at Taiwan National Univ. where planning to > study to USA for Electrical engineer. Please you can help me > with English language, you letter me and I letter you to > helpflly learn too much better so good. > > Thanking for kind consideration and time for Usenet Oracle, > > Kenny And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Your english is pretty good. } } You would make a fine college student or vice-president. } } You owe the Oracle a potatoe. --- 465-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: ewhac@ntg.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why can't I get my soft disk drive to work? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } [The scene: Usenet University, Department of Oracularities. Class in } session is Apprenticeship 102, T. Usenet Oracle, Professor.] } } ORACLE: You've had the weekend to consider today's question, } which I warned you was a particularly difficult one. I also asked you } to think about why it was difficult. Gwydion, there, can you tell us } where the problem lies? } GWYDION [hesitantly]: It's a question about microcomputers, and } the Oracle can't be bothered with anything that's not about mainframes? } ORACLE: Oh, come now, Mr Gwydion. Have you READ any of the } assigned Oracularities? Have you forgotten the brilliant answer to } 443-05? Someone remind Mr Gwydion what question 443-05 was... } PARACELSUS: "Why is it that some floppy disks make a } shhukka-shukka-shukka sound when placed in a drive, and some do not?" } ORACLE: Excellent. Paracelsus, can YOU tell us what the } problem with the question is? } PARACELSUS: It falls under Category 2 of the Five Unanswerable } Types: Self-Contained Humorous. } ORACLE: Go on. } PARACELSUS: Well, we discussed how the SCH is a rhetorical } question, a joke in the guise of a question. In this case, the obvious } joke is that the Supplicant thinks the contrary of "hard disk" is "soft } disk." If the Oracle responds explicitly to that ignorance he's } belaboring the obvious and his response therefore fails. } ORACLE: Very good. Last week we learned several strategies for } dealing with the Unanswerable Types. Faustus, can you suggest an } appropriate one here? } FAUSTUS: Mmmm... How about equivocation? } ORACLE: Define...? } FAUSTUS: "Willful misunderstanding of the terms used in the } question." } ORACLE: Good. Yielding in the present case...? } FAUSTUS: A moment, sir... Ah. "Because your car won't start. } It'll have to take the bus to work today." } [Groans from the class: "Lame," "Feeble," etc. ad lib] } ORACLE: We agree that equivocation is not the best strategy } here? [Murmurs of assent.] Another tack, then. Prospero? } PROSPERO: Well, I've always thought the default was double } entendre. Sex is generally good for a laugh with the geeks who read } the Oracularities. This one's almost too easy, with "soft" right } there in the question. "If your disk drive is persistently soft, you } could try yohimbine, implants, or maybe a vacuum device." } ORACLE: Nice, but I see one flaw... } PROSPERO: Right. Most of the geek readers are either too young } to know about impotence or ARE impotent but don't consider it a } problem, so the answer will go over their heads. } ORACLE: Right on target. } MICKEY [squeaking and jumping up and down]: I know! I know! } How about, "You could let Lisa stroke it a few times to get it hard"? } [Groans, shouts of "luser!" and "Go back to carrying water, } rodent!"] } ORACLE: Okay, class, settle down. Other strategies? } [Someone in the class pipes up, "Null grovel ZOT!" Cries of } "REALLY lame," "feebleissimo," "Get a life!" from the class.] } GED: Well, sir, there's always the Contrary-to-Fact Funny } History. It's a tempting choice in this case, but... I don't know. } They're usually too long and cutesy. } ORACLE: Suppose you demonstrate? } GED: "It is indeed difficult to find replacement parts for } soft-disk drives these days. The soft disk, of course, was introduced } as a storage option for the IBM PC-Jr in 1985. The drives were } external, attaching through the bus connector, and were constructed of } styrofoam and balsa wood. The media themselves were popular for their } low cost, being made of gelatin, water, carageenan and guar gum. The } most common cause of soft-disk drive failure is..." } ORACLE [interrupting]: Fine, Ged, you've made your case } admirably. Leary, I see you have your hand up. } LEARY: Yeah, how about the Surrealist Interpretation? "Hey, } get out of that Salvador Dali painting RIGHT NOW!" } MICKEY [jumping]: Or, or, or, maybe the disk drive is soft } because the Supplicant's been doing drugs, like, "Soft disk drive? You } say your disk drive is melting? Hey, can I have a hit of that acid?" } ORACLE [over groans of class]: Mickey, I think we can safely } assume that Mr Leary considered and rejected the Hallucinogenic } Rejoinder as unfunny in this case. [Pauses and surveys room.] } Class, I'm surprised that none of you has come up with the most } natural strategy here. I'm beginning to wonder why you think I put } Borges and Douglas Hofstadter on class reserve, for paperweights? ... } PYNCHON: Jesus, of course, the Metahumor Response. Maybe } even combined with the Recursive. God, how obvious! } ORACLE: Go on... } PYNCHON: "The scene: Usenet University, Department of } Oracularities. Class in session is Apprenticeship 102, T. Usenet } Oracle, Professor. ORACLE: You've had the weekend to consider today's } question..." } } -- } You owe the Apprentice a funny and non-obvious way to get out of } this loop. --- 465-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Otis H. Viles" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Mister Oracle, > > Please deign to inform me, O most respectable savant, > why does everyone make fun of Dan Quayle? > > He is a very respectable man who occupies an exalted position, > and I think he's a hunk^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H > and making fun of him is like making fun of the flag or of family > values. > > Signed, > > Anonymous supplicant > > ---- > madelyne@veep.GOV > > "The question of whether a computer can swim is no more interesting > than that of whether a submarine can think" -- Lenny Dykstra > > Disclaimer: the opinions presented here are mine alone, > but they should be yours too because they're right. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Because, my dear Mari ... er, Supplicant, that is his station } in the grand cosmic scheme of the universe. } } Many, many aeons ago it was writen that all of the ruling bodies } of the universe would rise and fall; furthermore, it was } determined that the falls of these rulers would be predated and } set in motion by the great philosophers expounding an even better } way, on and on ad infinitum. } } The modern era is ending as we speak; your hus... ah, Vice President } is merely the catalyst for your modern-day philosophers, which you } call "comedians", to instigate this change and begin the new cycle. } } My advice for you is simply to stand clear of the tomatoes and } brickbats being thrown at him, and contemplate where you would like } to retire... and be glad this cycle is not one of the more violent } ones. } } {Lisa: Orrie, what's that?} } {Oracle: Just another question, honey. Go back to the bedroom and } feed the yak, would you?} } {Lisa: (looking at screen) what's all this about "cycles" and } "philosophers"?} } {Oracle: the Answer, in the grand view of...} } {Lisa: The "Answer" is that Quayle's an IDIOT, and he proves it every } time he opens his mouth! Why don't you just tell him that?} } {Oracle: Her, dear. Marilyn Quayle, to be precise.} } {Lisa: Oh... Never mind. Come back to bed soon, OK? The Jello's } just getting slimy...} } {Oracle: Oh, Goody... let me just finish this off...} } } You owe the Oracle a bunch of sound bites, I haven't had a good laugh } in ages. --- 465-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > *Why* is it that my ball-point pen always seems to bleed all over the > only Important word in a sentance? > > Thus asks glenns@ac.grin.edu And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You heartless slave driver. Don't you realise that ball point pens have } feelings as well. You and other running dog capitalist writers have } exploited ball point pens ( the Ballatariot ) since time immemorial. } You work them until they bleed. They work and suffer for you, and when } they are no longer any use to you callously throw them into a garbage } bin. Your society has been built on the systematic draining of ball } point pens of their life ink. } } When the revolution comes you will be all lined up against the } wall in your best, whitest shirts and dresses and squirted with ink. } } Arise Ball Point Pens. You Have Nothing To Lose Except Your Lids. } } You owe the Oracle a goose feather quill. --- 465-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle wise, full-bodied, and with a lingering aftertaste, why is it > that when Gumby opens a book he gets to go inside it and have all these > cool adventures like the one where they go into space and land on the > planet with the nerdy kid who plays piano then turns into some kind of > neo-fascist dictator, or the one where Gumby's a sculptor and his block > of marble becomes a big monster that goes around devouring everything > in its path, until it is finally subdued when Gumby feeds it an ice > cream cone, and the only thing that happens to me when I open a book is > I immediately fall asleep? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The answer to your question, my child, is really quite simple. It has } to do with matters of space, time, and } } >> I'm Gumby, dammit! } } No, you're not. You're Eddie Murphy. } } >> No, really. I'm GUMBY, dammit! } } Come on, Eddie. Once was cute. The second time is starting to } wear thin. } } >> Listen, man. I'm Gumby. G.U.M.B.Y. A little green ball of } >> clay, remember? } } Sure, Eddie, sure. Here's $500, go buy another few lines, OK? } } >> That tears it! Pokey! Kill! } } From out of nowhere, a small, badly constructed red clay pony } appears. The pony appears to look bewildered. } } >> "But, Gumby! I'm made out of clay! I can't "kill" anything! } >> It's the sad price I pay for being a early 1960's cartoon." } } >> "OK, Pokey. I'm going to tell you this *one more time*. } >> The Claymation company. Singing camels. Corporate sponsors. } >> Big bucks. California Raisins, 'Heard it though the grapevine.'" } } The small pony's nose flairs. His eyes grow red. He snorts, coughs, } wheezes, gags, and goes charging off, uphill, all the while shouting } "Kill! Kill! Kill!" } } You owe the Oracle a more exciting book to read. --- 465-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Todd Radel The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wise and mighty Oracle, > While watching the _old_ Batman series, this question arose: > > We allways see the sounds of punches (Biff, Socko, Powie, Crunch, > etc...) frontways (properly aligned for our point of view). Does the > Penguin see the words written backwards, or does he wear special > glasses so that he sees the words written frontways instead? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah, gentle supplicant and patron of the Arts, the solution is a } reasonably simple one for this, our Technological Age: The villains in } that show lost so often because they were distracted, looking for } myriad reflective surfaces to catch a glimpse of how badly they might } be doing, since, as villains in a kiddie show, they couldn't look down } and tell by the amount of blood spurting. } } This is also why villains in more grown-up shows win more often, and } why adults who watch these more bloody shows tend to be less literate, } since they don't get the Sesame Street-like coaching to read simple } words like "Biff!" and "Socko!" like watchers of more quality shows. } } You owe the Oracle a special Villain-detecting camera that tilts } fifteen degrees when an arch-enemy approaches. --- 465-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Todd Radel The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wittiest creature in the megaverse, > > I am but a comedian of the lowest order who crawls before your > Magnificence, but I do kind of hope you can help me. I'm trying to get > this joke right: > > This lady wants to get a guard dog, so she goes to a pet store > and asks to see what they have. > "I have just the thing," says the owner. "We just got in a > Doberman who understands Unix commands." > "Unix commands?" says the lady. > "Yeah, watch." So the owner hides a toy bone behind some boxes > and then calls out the Doberman and says "grep 'toy bone' store"! > And the Doberman sniffs around for a minute and finds the bone. > "Wow," says the lady. "That's neat!" > "Yeah," says the owner, "but that's not all." So he pulls out a > big old cinder block and puts it on the floor and then shouts > "split -4 block" and the Doberman gives the block a couple of > karate chops and breaks the cinder block into four-inch pieces. > "Ooooh!" says the lady. "How about burglars?" > "No problem," says the owner. He goes into the back and gets > out a life-sized dummy and hangs it on the wall, then shouts "rm -f > dummy!" The Doberman leaps at the dummy and rips it into shreds in > about five seconds. > Well, the lady buys the dog and takes it home. When her > husband gets home from work, he sees the Doberman and asks what on > earth it's doing there. > "We needed a guard dog," says his wife, "and he knows Unix > commands!" > "_Unix_ commands?!!" says the husband, and he looks > at the dog. "Unix my ass!" > > I think there's something wrong with the punchline but I'm not sure > just what? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh supplicant, a comedian is certainly what you are, for is it not true } that the word "comedo" means "pimple"? The punchline to this "joke", } and I use the term loosely, should be obvious even to one such as you } had you told the story correctly. You neglected to include the fact } that the wife's name is Effie, and that the husband has a nasty lung } complaint necessitating a lot of coughing. The final line, therefore, } should read: } } "_Unix_ commands?!!" says the husband, and he looks at the dog. } " high fun, Eff! (My ass!)" } } You owe the Oracle Brad Templeton's head on a plate.