From oracle-request Mon Oct 26 21:28:27 1992 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA17503; Mon, 26 Oct 1992 21:28:27 -0500 Date: Mon, 26 Oct 1992 21:28:27 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #494 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: "9e\S&XFxP?L)~?^jbHC!$jk5#O}v\n#nwz8'd$#(H,+B4n<^{GSCr,![PCrQOV1 nW{vh|Ev<)b!y?'?aysJ)3YJ_/sOl@a'lKaG,uk|Xh3mR+xa]XJ!$vqAjQe?.nst;0/"u?M2K~rC6k~ |)'uWrn%alJW'QwwJJ441kc,m.C!?:EP49(+ X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with "faces". From the iuvax archive today. === 494 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #494 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Mon, 26 Oct 1992 21:28:27 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax (probably just reply to this message). For example: 494 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 489 36 votes 8ac33 5c982 136ce 11cd9 07g85 56f55 3bc73 27g56 38j51 17da5 489 3.1 mean 2.5 2.7 4.0 3.8 3.3 3.0 2.9 3.2 2.8 3.3 --- 494-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Bremner The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh greatest of the great, bequeath a pearl of knowlege upon one of your > humble suplicants...Tell me why every time I attempt to write with a > question, my mind becomes fuzzy, the room spins, and I lose all > concentration. Even now this begins...help me oh great one. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Your problem is a common one among supplicants, so don't worry. Many } supplicants have problems performing under pressure. Here are a few } helpful hints: } } 1) Relax! If you can't think of a question it's not the end } of the world. Ironically, if you can take some of the pressure } to perform away, your chances of coming up with a question } improve. Just keep in mind that the Oracle is here for you } anytime; whenever you want to ask, I'm just a "tellme" away. } } 2) When you're trying to ask the question, try fantasizing about } the answer; think about your feelings for the Oracle, and imagine } how exiting it is to be answered. Focus on some aspect of the } Oracle; ie, my Omniscence. } } 3) As you feel the question starting to become solid in your } mind, don't force it. Just continue fantasizing, instead of } concentrating on making the question the best question you've } ever written. } } 4) If all else fails, precede the question by some groveling. } The Oracle finds grovelling very exiting, and you may find that } it stimulates a question on your part. And even if you don't } come out of it with a question, that's ok; a little grovelling } is pleasurable for both partners, even if it doesn't result in } a question/answer intercourse. } } You owe the Oracle a cigarette. --- 494-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark McCafferty The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > % man oracle And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } ORACLE(1) UNIX Programmer's Manual ORACLE(1) } } NAME } oracle - omniscient answerer of nonstandard questions } } SYNOPSIS } mail -s 'tell me' oracle@cs.indiana.edu } } DESCRIPTION } The Oracle reads a question from a supplicant and responds with } either an answer or a , as appropriate. } } The question is read from standard input. The question must be } preceded by a grovel. The absence of a grovel may result in a } . Questions about woodchucks may also result in s. } } If the input contains a valid grovel followed by a valid } question, the Oracle will return an answer and a statement of } tribute owed. } } EXAMPLES: } } The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. } Your Question was: } } > Oracle, you are wise beyond your infinite years. Please help } > this struggling parent. } > My teenage son, Jason, is basically a good kid, but lately } > has begun seeing a girl, named Anne, who I believe is a bad } > influence. Since he has been seeing her, he has done very } > poorly in school, and has taken up smoking. Please tell me, } > what should I do? } } And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } } } You must lay down the line with Jason. Simply sit him down and } } say, "Jason, from now on, you're going to be a better student. } } You are going to stop seeing Anne, and you're going to stop } } smoking. } } } } "No F's, Annes, or butts. } } } } "Or I'll tell you an even worse pun." } } } } You owe the Oracle an even worse pun. } } The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. } Your question was: } } > % man oracle } } And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } } } ORACLE(1) UNIX Programmer's Manual ORACLE(1) } } } } NAME } } oracle - omniscient answerer of nonstandard questions } } } } [ and so on, repeating the man page ... -ed ] } } } } The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. } } Your question was: } } } } > % man oracle } } } } And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } } } } } ORACLE(1) UNIX Programmer's Manual ORACLE(1) } } } } } } NAME } } } oracle - omniscient answerer of nonstandard questions } } } } } } [ and so on, repeating the man page ... -ed ] } } } } } } The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. } } } Your question was: } } } } } } > % man oracle } } } } } } And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } } } } } } } Hey-- wait a second! There's no grovel in that question! } } } } You're dust! } } } } } } } } } } } } } } } } (Phew! I thought I'd be stuck in that loop forever!) } } } } } } } } What's left of you owes the Oracle a grovel. } } } } } } BUGS: } } } } } } Sometimes takes a while to detect the absence of a grovel. } } } Can get caught in interminable loops. } } } } } } Printed 10/24/92 October 24, 1992 1 } } } } BUGS: } } } } Sometimes takes a while to detect the absence of a grovel. } } Can get caught in interminable loops. } } } } Printed 10/24/92 October 24, 1992 1 } } BUGS: } } Sometimes takes a while to detect the absence of a grovel. } Can get caught in interminable loops. } } Printed 10/24/92 October 24, 1992 1 --- 494-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great and endless answerer of random questions, tell me: > > Where have all the supplicants gone? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } } } Where have all the supplicants gone, } Long time passing? } Where have all the supplicants gone, } Long time ago? } Where have all the supplicants gone? } Gone after Ph.D.'s every one } When will they ever learn, } When will they ev-er learn? } } Where have all the Ph.D.'s gone, } Long time passing? } Where have all the Ph.D's gone, } Long time ago? } Where have all the Ph.D's gone? } Gone for post-docs every one } When will they ever learn, } When will they ev-er learn? } } Where have all the post-docs gone, } Long time passing? [etc] } Gone for underpaid overloaded part-time non-tenure track jobs every one } When will they ever learn, } When will they ev-er learn? } } Where have all the UOPTNTTJs gone [etc] } Gone on Welfare every one } When will they ever learn, } When will they ever learn? } } Where have all the Welfare bums gone, } Long time passing? } Where have all the Welfare bums gone, } Long time ago? } Where have all the Welfare bums gone? } They're brain-dead Supplicants, every one } When will they ever learn, } When will they e-e-e-ver learn? } } You owe the Oracle a translation into fifteen major languages of his } new song in time for the next Folkies for World Peace conference. --- 494-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Roger Noe The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Most munificent Oracle, who resides in the House of Everlasting > Felicity, who has a huge box of 24-bit Crayola crayons, who > drives a V-12 titanium Lexus, the Oracle who once chucked wood > in his youth (but didn't inhale), I beseech thee to edify me > with the answer to my most lowly question: > > Last night I crushed an anthill under my foot. Now I'm afraid > the ants will be trapped in there forever. What do I do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Of all the pumpkin headed supplicants! That ant hill was a } look-out post for the ant's eminent invasion of your city! Did you } think you could stop the trancendently sublime exoskeletal revolution } so easily? What were you thinking? It's a holy war! } } It was a mob scene. The ant leader, !!ch!pw!n!, hopped onto a fern } leaf and gesticulated wildly with his forward set of appendages for } nearly an ant-hour, screaming something pretty damn wierd about the } Coming of the Great Sign. You see, the ant religion, !!!!!, carries } the promise of the Great Sign, which is the 904th Vision of the } religious symbol: } } Nike } } The heroic martyr !!g!pbvl! was able to clack, with his last clickity, } !!N!, before being squished into an oily spot in the dirt by the sole } of your over-priced-and-under-featured-cross-training-sneakers, } thereby beginning what will be the longest and bloodiest war in ant } and human history. } } When !!ch!pw!n! heard of this Glorious Vision, he consulted the } knights of !, who in turn suggested that he contact the great Usenet } Oracle. Transcript follows: } } |The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. } |Your question was: } | } |> !p!! !!o!!! ! } |> !w !q !wz! !v } |> Nike } |> !? } | } |And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } | } |} ! !x!! ! !p !p! ! } } ! !x!! ! !p !p! ! was all they needed to hear. And with this great } Oracle's battle cry, the ant population of your entire county are now } bent on one single rabid desire which will soon consume the entire } planet! } } As you read this, the ants have burrowed, climbed, and coagulated into } one swarming unit of terror and are screaming ! !x!! ! !p !p! ! in a } way that will bring sheer horror to all humanity before they're done. } Guess where they're headed first, Pavlo. } } Oh, and by the way, ! !x!! ! !p !p! ! means "Paybacks are Hell". } } You owe the Oracle a small woodland creature and a funnel. --- 494-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Carole Susan Fungaroli The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Great and Wise Oracle, whose armpits I am not worthy to smell... > > Where do I have to go and What do I have to do in order to > get Three wishes? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You used those up YEARS ago. What, did you think you can go out and } buy MORE wishes? According to my records, } } 1. You got away from your parents. } 2. You got Internet access. } 3. You got laid. } } Anything more you'll just have to do yourself ... --- 494-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, this is Cygnus. You know, the God of Balance? > > And I just need to know for one of my supplicants why the > Oracularities have been coming so slow lately? (I understand that the > number of posts from BIFF! is increasing to balance out the > Oracularity debt.) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Cygnus, whose question is cygnificant, I tell you this: } } The Oracularities Quality Control Inspectorate have deemed the level } of original/relevant material in the Oracular Flow to be unworthy of } inclusion in the normal Oracularities Digest. } } Lesser systems will grow to fill the gap, but never mind the quantity: } Feel the quality! There is only one Oracle, His (or Hers) shall reign } supreme. } } Meanwhile: Convince thy Supplicants to spend a little more time } devising an answer or question that merits inclusion in the Digest, } and then, only then, shall the rate of transmission of Oracularities } speed up. } } Regards, } T. H. E. Oracle. --- 494-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hi there Oracle! I don'treally need advice...I just want to > compliment you on the finejob you are doing, and your > infinite patience with us mere, lowly mortals. Inyour > position, I know I would crackunder the pressure, > surrounded with complete idiots as you are. It'samazing, > the number of trivialquestions you choose to answer each day, all > with such humor! I wish I could helplighten your load, but of > course that'sonly wishful thinking. Howcould a > measly human like myself help Your Greatness with such a task? > > Please, give my love toLisa... > > Humble supplicant And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle has a new toy. } } It's a metamorphosis-gun. } } So, you like woodchucks, eh? } } } } My, you certainly make a cute lil' woodchuck, you know that? } } You owe the Oracle photos of your first copulation with a female } woodchuck. --- 494-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark McCafferty The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O splendiferous Oracle, whose pores exude the very Water Of Life, > please answer my humble question. > > When turtles retract their heads into their skulls, do their spines > bend, or do they shrink? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes, they bend or shrink. Oh hell, I guess I can't get away that } easily, can I? (Well, I _can_, I'm the Oracle, but my reputation is at } stake here. I guess I'll have to call up my old friend, Aristotle.) } } (sound of touch tones) } } Hi, it's Del, yeah, it's been a few centuries, we really ought } to do lunch soon, by the way, I have one of those trivia } questions for you; remember that taxonomy you did about } turtles, where they have spines, and I asked you what did you } need a spine for in a turtle ... } } (pause) } } Oh, _Zeno_, sorry, I was calling for Art. No, I don't care } about who won the race. I always thought that little scam was } a bit contrived, but as you've pointed out, I should stick with } the prophecy and leave the mathematics to the philosophers. } Forget about lunch. Sorry, I have to ring off, I have an } important call to make, bye .... } } (sound of hookswitch and more touch tones) } } Hello, I'd like to speak with Aristotle, please? Yes, I'll } hold. } } (drumming fingers, more drumming fingers, envelopes opening, } pretzels munching, more drumming fingers...) } } Art, this is Del, thanks, fine, you sound busy. Oh, they found } out about those genetic stubs that got away? I _told_ you not } to try out that auto-installation scheme, the host organizms } would really rather be able to choose which organ gets infected } instead of always having to put the patches in their ... } sorry, I know, not my job. Anyway, here's one from the net } that I couldn't find in the FAQ. When the turtles retract } their heads, what goes on with the spine? Sure they have a } spine; you told me that the reptiles were vertebrates and that } all vertebrates have spines, so the turtles must have spines, } right? No, I'm not going to call Zeno about my logic, you know } how I get when I talk to him. Besides, we've got a user in the } field whose taken the cover off of one of these things. No, I } don't know what he was trying to do inside, and I don't want } to. He just wants to know about the retraction mechanism on } the neck. Sure, I'll hang on. } } (scribbling on pad, drumming fingers, spilled coffee, sounds of } minor panic, sighing) } } Took you long enough. So you were still documenting back then, } eh? Ok, neck retraction mechanism. What do you mean, it's } gone? The whole section? You probably didn't document it. } Come on, I know you better than that. How do you think they } ended up putting teats on a beast that has a beak? Don't you } remember how hard it was to jury-rig that interface before the } second generation came along? Took us all summer, and a good } thing that the first batch of eggs got eaten. Listen, just } make a guess, will you? Yeah, maybe they'll swallow that. } Sure, I'll remind them. Say, thanks, and give me a call } sometime about lunch, will ya? Bye. } } Okay, here's the answer. The turtle's neck retracts like a crab's eyes } do. In fact, the crab-eye mechanism was modified and incorporated into } the new design. Take the cover off of a crab and have a look. } } You owe the Oracle the missing section in the turtle document, with } redlines and new graphics. (actually, a copy of the crab-eye document } will do in a pinch :-). --- 494-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Brilliant, all-seeing, fresh-scented Oracle, > My girlfriend now refuses to make love unless I'm wearing a Bill > Clinton Hallowe'en mask and she's wearing a Barbara Bush one. She's a > Perot supporter and I'm a Libertarian (supporting Marrou). Her parents > are socialists and mine are Reagan Republicans. So why does she insist > on these silly masks? It's hot and uncomfortable, and doesn't even > make any sense as a political statement. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, believe it or not, you're not alone. Lisa's been trying } to get me to wear this absolutely atrocious Lyndon LaRouche mask for } the past six months. } Anyway, don't be so quick to say it doesn't make sense as a } political statement. What you two do when you wear those masks is } exactly what either candidate will do to this country when they get } elected. } } You owe the Oracle a Marrou/Lord campaign button and Rush Limbaugh's } FCC license. --- 494-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Todd Radel The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Well, it's four years later. How are you doing? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I'm fully recovered, surprisingly enough, but the Cat may never go near } the telephone book again...