From oracle-request Sun Nov 29 15:07:25 1992 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA11775; Sun, 29 Nov 1992 15:07:25 -0500 Date: Sun, 29 Nov 1992 15:07:25 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #506 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: "9e\S&XFxP?L)~?^jbHC!$jk5#O}v\n#nwz8'd$#(H,+B4n<^{GSCr,![PCrQOV1 nW{vh|Ev<)b!y?'?aysJ)3YJ_/sOl@a'lKaG,uk|Xh3mR+xa]XJ!$vqAjQe?.nst;0/"u?M2K~rC6k~ |)'uWrn%alJW'QwwJJ441kc,m.C!?:EP49(+ X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with "faces". From the iuvax archive today. === 506 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #506 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Sun, 29 Nov 1992 15:07:25 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax (probably just reply to this message). For example: 506 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 501 35 votes 339aa 35e94 2ae72 5cg20 1cab1 05ce4 35cb4 8e850 89b70 ca841 501 2.9 mean 3.6 3.2 2.9 2.4 3.0 3.5 3.2 2.3 2.5 2.2 --- 506-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Roger Noe The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, Great One, whose wisdom is infinite, this lowly supplicant who > is unworthy to receive an answer, begs you for an answer: > > I just discovered that if I drink Pepsi with a bloody nose, it > tastes exactly like Coca-Cola! Could you please explain that? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Obviously you live in a test market area. After the success of Cherry } Coke, Pepsi test-marketed a few new versions of the old standby soft } drink: } } o Backwash Pepsi -- that great last-sip taste from the whole can! } } o Caffeine-Diet Pepsi -- For those whose diet consists of nothing but } caffeine. Makes Jolt taste like decaf! } } o Pepsi-With-A-Bloody-Nose -- Result of freak mixup between "secret } ingredient #2" and plasma from the } company bloodmobile. Was rejected } because it tasted too much like Coke, } not to mention the AIDS scare, and } marketing difficulties. The can is a } definite collectors item though. } } You owe the Oracle a bloody coke. --- 506-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle, > > I have been thinking of setting up an Oracle in Valhalla. I was going > to make Thor the Oracle, but let's face it, that son of mine is not > real smart. So I want to offer you the job of the Valhalla Oracle. > Please contact me soon if you are interested, and we can discuss terms. > > Odin. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } First off, Odin bubby, don't forget to grovel, even if you are a god. } Second, I'm impressed that you realize the need for an Oracle in } Valhalla, home of the gods though it is. Indeed, many of your ilk } have come to me over the past years seeking advice, as the following } sample should show: } } "Oh mighty Oracle, who is even better than my Father, in that my Father } refuses to lend me the yacht on weekends, thereby forcing me to walk } on water when I feel like going anywhere, pray tell me: if the last } shall be first and the first shall be last, doesn't that mean that } the first shall be first and the last shall be last, and what kind of } a moral is that? I'm delaying my second coming until you can answer } this one." } } "Nu, mighty Oracle, who always wears a sweater, and who never neglects } to call his mother, unlike some children I could mention, I've been } leading my chosen people in the desert for thirty years, which leaves } them another ten years before I'll let them see the promised land, and } they're starting to complain about how hard it is to send out for } really good Chinese food when you're lost in the desert. What can I do, } considering that I'm already working my fingers to the bone performing } miracles for them daily, not that I expect gratitude or anything from } delivering them from the hand of the oppresor, unlike some gods I could } name?" } } "Hello there, O Oracle, who always knows where his towel is. Look, I'm } just some writer--although a pretty funny one, I admit-- but all these } weird computer types seem to have made me into some sort of literary } God, and they go around quoting me to each other, and calling each } other "frood," and answering "42" to any question they hear, even if it } involves woodchucks. My question is, will they ever leave me alone, and } go back to worshipping Monty Python instead?" } } "O oracle, to whom the ten thousand things are as straw dogs, I can } imagine the sound of one hand clapping, and I know why I came from the } east, and what happens when a tree falls in a forest and nobody is } there to hear it, but there is one paradox that baffles even me: } how can George Bush accuse somebody else of waffling on the issues?" } } So, as you can see, my dear Odin, I am quite used to helping these } amateur dieties maintin their illusion of omniscience. Nonetheless, } I must turn down your offer. Working for you would imply taking } orders from you, which would imply that there might actually be } something that you know that I don't, which would imply that there } is something I don't know, which is just plain silly. } } You owe the Oracle six weeks severance pay. --- 506-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most wonderful, whose knowledge of Wonderland includes the > Dormouse's middle name, please tell your grovelling supplicant: > > Why is a raven like a writing desk? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } As I pondered weak and weary } On this question - what a bore. } Oh my eyes turned red and teary. } Quoth the raven, "nevermore." } } Why a raven and a desk alike, he asked, } This mis'ble supplicant whom I abhor. } But I continued to toil upon this task - } Quoth the raven, "nevermore." } } A raven is a bird as black as night, } And, I am told, is rotten to the core. } To see one can give quite a fright. } Quoth the desk, "nevermore." } } A writing desk's a useful thing to own, } And is often used by Albert Gore, } Who likes to lick an ice cream cone. } Quoth the raven, "nevermore." } } As you can see the two are alike - not, } Which Wayne and Garth would tell you in a roar. } This explanation I hope you bought. } Quoth the raven - "Oh shut up!" --- 506-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Greg Wohletz The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Where oh where has my little dog gone? Oh where oh where can he be? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } [click] } doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo-doo } [ring...ring...ring...] } "Mr. Meyer's office. May I help you?" } "Ahem. Mr. Meyer, please." } "(sigh) May I ask who's calling?" } "T. Oracle." } "Oh- excuse me, Mr. Oracle, just a moment, please hold-" } [bland elevator music- la la la la la la la...] } } "O, my friend, how are you?" } "Pretty busy, Oscar, pretty busy. Listen, someone has...inquired..." } "They do that quite a bit, don't they?" } "Indeed-" } "What's the going rate these days-" } "Er-" } "Well, O, If you don't mind me asking, heh heh heh-" } "(smile) Well, I suppose I'll demand some clever little something, } something tragically apropos..." } "And you have a fine sense of the apropos-" } "And you are wonderfully supplicant, as always, Oscar-" } "Always good business. The inquiry?..." } "Ah yes. Well, Oscar, it seems this person's little dog..." } "Yes?" } "Well, they are inquiring as to it's whereabouts..." } "I see. Did they provide a name?" } "Of course not-" } "Well, being omniscient-" } "-I already know the answer, but humor the supplicants. I'm more } fathomable that way. Here's the name and description- what's your fax } number again, Oscar?" } } [whiiiiiirrrrrrr...bbbbeeeepppp.] } } "So what do you think, Oscar?" } "Well, O, let's see...[flip, flip, flip, flip] Hmm. Well, how shall we } phrase this..." } "Indeed..." } "I can give you the batch num-" } "Um, Oscar, I don't think that would be wise. Let me think about this } for a millisecond. Catch up with you for Thanksgiving?" } "Of course. I'm very sorry about their little dog-" } "I'll break it to them gently. For the holidays." } "Give Lisa a squeeze for me-" } "Of course. Thanks, Oscar." } } [click click click...] } } >> Where oh where has my little dog gone? Oh where oh where can he be? } } He's lost. } } You owe the Oracle a Sprint FonCard(tm) and dollops of ketchup and } chili. --- 506-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > A question that has puzzled me for ages, oh Oracle, most wise. I shall > be most grateful for the answer to this: > > Two people pull into a parking lot into two adjacent spaces, 100 > feet from the door. They see two spots 30 feet closer to the > door. Driver A starts the car and drives that extra 30 feet. > Driver B sez "Nah, too much hassle to re-start the car and drive, > I'll just walk the extra 30 feet." > > Which of the two drivers is lazier? > > Thank you for the consideration of this most unworthy question. Be > secure in the knowledge that I will provide service to the oracle > commensurate the answer! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Not a bad question, as far as it goes, but you forgot to include a few } other relevant drivers. } } Driver C: The New York Driver; attempts to pull into driver A's space } before driver A can reach it, despite the fact that there is a } perfectly good empty space next to it. } } Driver D: The Boston Driver; attempts to pull into driver A's space } ahead of driver A, and then parks parallel to the curb, taking up } driver A's space, the space next to it, and a good ten feet of } sidewalk. } } Driver E: The New Jersey Driver; is willing to swear before a grand } jury that there never was a parking space, besides which he didn't take } it, and anyway, he doesn't know anything about an unfortunate } "accident" that befell driver A involving several tons of concrete and } a sawed-off shotgun. } } Driver F: The Texas Driver; pulls into the space closer to the shop, } then decides that, in the interests of his family, he ought to take the } one farther away, but then concludes that his supporters really want } him to take the first space, which he'll do if they can validate his } parking ticket in all fifty states. } } Driver G: The College Student Driver; puts off deciding where to park } untill all the spaces are taken, then decides it's too late, and goes } off to get a beer. } } Driver H: The Internet Driver; decides that picking a space on his own } is too much effort, and therefore posts a query to "rec.auto.parking" } asking, "Which space should I take?" prompting a five-month long } thread, the content of which breaks down as follows: 15% instructions } to read the FAQ; 54% flames; 30.999% asking "How many parks could a } parking lot lot if a parking lot could lot parks?"; and .001% providing } relevant (if erroneous or misleading) information. } } To answer your question, the laziest of all is driver I, who is so lazy } that he does not even bother to finish answering the --- 506-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great Oracle who's dorsal fin is so spiney and who > *never* runs out of slime... > > I like fish, I mean really like fish. (Except to eat, > of course, I shudder at the thought). I've got sculptures > of fish, paintings of fish, clothes with fish designs, > sheets with fish designs, and believe-it-or-not, a > butter dish shaped like a fish. At Halloween I dressed > up like a fish and boy was it fun. Lately, I've started > dressing up like a fish all the time. So tell me, > would it be going too far to get gills implanted in > my neck? Also, how do I get rid of these nightmares I > have involving hooks and worms? > > Yours truly, > Oscar And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It seems that you are experiencing a rare form of lycanthropy, where } instead of turning into a wolf, you are turning into a fish. } } In order to further diagnose the problem, I must ask you some } questions. } } Have you been experiencing severe haddocks? } Have you been been feeling eel? } Do you wish to change your name to Marlin? } Does plankton have a strong appeal? } } Do you think the bonita are pretty? } Are you crabby all day? } Do you talk 'bout mackerel? } Is your computer a cray? } } Do you read books by Salmon Rushdie? } Do you flounder for words? } Are you always humming a tuna? } Do you play koi with the birds? } } If so, go ahead with the gill transplants and keep your mouth shut. } } You owe the Oracle a new shell for his Cray and a place to perch. --- 506-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Carole Susan Fungaroli The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh mighty Oracle. Please answer my plea. > > What sick mind invented porridge ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Table A.3.iii: Porridge Origins } To determine the origins of porridge, roll a } six-sided die and consult the following table: } } 1. The dull, plausible answer: } Porridge is a result of boiling grain and tossing in leftovers. } Chinese rice porridge is pretty clearly the result of rice cooked in } way too much water with gross things added. } } 2. The based-on-a-popular-song answer: } You never slurp your porridge } When you're stirrin' on the stovetop; } There'll be time enough for slurpin' } When the mush is done. } } 3. The fake unix session answer: } oracle% mail porridge@yucky.foods.com } Subject: How were you created? } ^D } oracle% wait 1 } You have new mail. } oracle% mail } From: porridge@yucky.foods.com } To: oracle@parnassus.olympus.com } Subject: Re: How were you created? } Fake: Header12.Garbage34.H56 } } That's an awfully personal question, Orrie, but the truth is } that I'm a form of intelligent, mutant slime-mold. I would } go on to tell you that I am distressed by the idea that people } eat of my substance, but actually I don't think I'm half so } distressed as they are. } } -Porridge } } 4. The copout answer: } You call "mighty" a grovel? I oughta ya where you stand! } } 5. The titilating answer: } If you think that something like porridge is "sick," that just } goes to show how small-minded you are. Just ask Lisa. The } things we do with porridge are not sick, just unusual by your } standards. } } 6. The disgustingly biological answer: } Porridge _is_ a sick mind. Yum yum! --- 506-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Instructions: you have 20 minutes to answer the following questions. > All answers must be complete (no partial credit) and all work must be > shown. This is closed book/notes. No calculators/computers allowed. > You may use one cat or small rodent on the question of your choice. > > 1. Why Not? > > 2. Just what is 'nerf' (as in Nerf Ball) and where does it come from. > > 3. Was there a God? > > 4. If you could be anything I wanted you to be, what would you be? > > 5. What is the wind-chill at absolute-zero with a 60 mph wind? > > 6. Define yourself and give three examples. > > 7. What would happen if a law was passed that made laws illegal? > > 8. Apply question #7 to the laws of physics. > > 9. What is question #10 (don't forget to answer it)? > > 10. > > Good luck. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } [Editor's note: The Oracle e-mailed a brilliant response to the exam, } with answers that ranged across the entire field of human knowledge } from Stephen Hawking to the pre-Socratic philosophers to proto-Germanic } linguistics (nailing down the origin of "nerf" in early Gothic). He } received the following evaluation: } } Instructions explicitly stated "no computers." Exam } answers composed and sent via computer. AUTOMATIC FAIL. } } This devastating failure triggered the Oracle's bipolar } manic-depression, which we thought we had under control. While in the } manic swing he determined to beat Robert T. Morris' SAT score of 1590 } and set off for the nearest testing site. Unfortunately, he used a #3 } pencil instead of a #2 pencil, doubtless a major factor in his } resulting score of 310 V, 280 M. The SAT results triggered a major } depressive episode, and as we go to press the Oracle is at University } Hospital recovering from an overdose of direct current. Luckily a } RAM-pump was initiated in time and we expect full recovery. } } The other bright news is that the Oracle's test scores were sent to } Texas A&M University, from whom he has just received the offer of a } full athletic scholarship!] --- 506-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Always smother the kid to death and I'm *still* massively > annoyed. So, O kind, magnanimous Oracle, what should I join the > billions and just be one of the great chef boy-ar-dee and yet they all > taste similar somehow. His spaghetti-o's taste not unlike his beef > ravioli, and so sent myself the query "Why are there so many students > because..." Lisa: No grovel. Oracle: What? Lisa: See for yourself. > Oracle: [checks transmission log] Oh. Well, he probably forgot; he's > from Purdue and I have tried all the giggle gas he could Do if a > woodchuck could chuck wood? Let me tell you what you say, > undestructibubble." Suddenly, the door opened. Five men dressed in > pin-striped suits and fedoras, and carrying large semi-automatic > weapons, burst into life. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } [cue header] } } .....and now the six'o clock news with Peter Jennings. } } [cue music] } } Peter Jennings looks up into the camera with what he privately calls } his 'labrador retriver expression' The Neilson people say that 67% of } the viewing audience feel that this shows alertness. } } "Good Evening. In the headlines tonight, a growing epidemic of } mental breakdowns are sweeping our nation's campuses. Computer } science centers, always risky places of hacker crime and bad trek } spoofs have gotten worse. A new form of addiction has grabbed the } useful cpu hours of these once happy neighborhoods. } } [cut to techie interview #1] } } A skinny man wearing glasses with very thick black frames is speaking } to someone off camera. He wears a plastic badge that says "System } Administrator". } } "News groups have always been a problem. We had special task forces } to deal with alt.sex.beastiality and talk.bizarre. We were winning } the war on newsgroups! But rec.humor.oracle is, in my estimate, at } least ten times more addicting." } } [cut to Peter Jennings] } Pete now has his "concerned sympathy" look. } } "This new, more potent form of newsgroup is much more addicting then } regular newsgroups. Users begin to ignore the social life around them. } They start to read news on Friday nights and Saturdays. They lose } interest in sleep. Their schoolwork is affected as they blow off a } class to read one more article. They begin to demand that people who } ask them questions grovel. } } Eventally they become totally helpless and start to } babble inanities. Crazed derelicts wander the hallways begging for 15 } minutes of login time. Long-time students are trying to organize to } resist this new influx of crime and violence." } } [cut to techie interview #2] } } A skinny man wearing glasses with very thick black frames is speaking } to someone off camera. He wears a plastic badge that says "System } Administrator". He is now wearing a blonde wig and speaking in a high } pitched voice. } } "I definitely oppose this waste of system resources! Disk usage alone } is up 35%! Just say No to news!" } } [cut back to Peter Jennings] } } "In response to this crisis, the President has declared a War on } Newsgroups. If this will be enough to stem the tide of Oracularities } is unclear. } } In another story, Madonna has been crushed during the shooting } of her new video. Apparently, a winch snapped, dropping a horse onto } her. Details after this short break." } } [cut to commercial] --- 506-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Bremner The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle - most wise - > would you kindly be so nice > to accept my question and answer it > although it only is for my own benefit ? > > What is the worst mistake I can ever do and how to prevent it ? > > -- > ** Barney Hinckle, Tumbolia Str. 97, 9258 Tumbolia, Tel. ++94-7838-0803 > > [ Signature randomized to protect the innocent. -ed ] And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Give your home telephone number to several million Usenet readers. } It is too late to do anything about it. } } You owe the Oracle a loophole in this taxlaw.