From oracle-request Sun Dec 27 09:44:17 1992 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA26599; Sun, 27 Dec 1992 09:44:17 -0500 Date: Sun, 27 Dec 1992 09:44:17 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #515 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: "9e\S&XFxP?L)~?^jbHC!$jk5#O}v\n#nwz8'd$#(H,+B4n<^{GSCr,![PCrQOV1 nW{vh|Ev<)b!y?'?aysJ)3YJ_/sOl@a'lKaG,uk|Xh3mR+xa]XJ!$vqAjQe?.nst;0/"u?M2K~rC6k~ |)'uWrn%alJW'QwwJJ441kc,m.C!?:EP49(+ X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with "faces". From the cs.indiana.edu ftp archive today. === 515 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #515 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Sun, 27 Dec 1992 09:44:17 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 515 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 510 33 votes 16d85 4bb61 45a86 99861 6c672 67b81 38f43 18a95 2b776 057f6 510 3.0 mean 3.3 2.7 3.2 2.4 2.6 2.7 2.9 3.3 3.1 3.7 --- 515-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: stcmille@panix.com (Steve Miller) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How many legs do I have? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle has devised a simple method for calculating this } for you. Please follow the instructions below: } } 1) Go out into your Backyard, alleyway, etc, and set up a } small alarm clock. Set the time to be 12:00. } } 2) Take out all the cash, loose change, and lint in your } pocket. Total the cash put this number into x. Save the } lint. } } 3) Open your window and start screaming at the top of your } lungs your favorite Neil Diamond Song. Count the number of } different people that tell you to shut up. If you don't live } near anyone, use the number 1 as this total. Put this number } into y. } } 4) Turn on the television, Radio. Use the first number that } someone says, or that you see. Put this number into Z. } WARNING: Do not turn the television/Radio off at this point. } Leave it on. } } 5) Use the simple formula: X(y) + Y(z) + Z(x) Put this number } on a piece of paper, fold it and put it with the lint. } } 6) Now. Perform three waltz turns, holding the lint/paper in } your right hand, scream "VIVE LA DIFFERANCE" at the top of } your lungs. On the last Waltz turn, casualy turn off the } Televison/Radio with your left and and run out to the Alarm } Clock. Note the time. } } 7) Kick the Alarm clock and tear up the lint/paper. Count your } legs. } } You owe the oracle a swift kick to your own butt. --- 515-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Todd Radel The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > YO! Great Byte! > > went down to wonderland the other day but ran into a marketroid who > gave me a 4cl-glossie and bogued out. > > WTH can I find a *good* comshop?? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle understands your unhappiness. The last time the Oracle went } looking for technical information in Wonderland, he met with a similar } reception, except it was an engraving by Sir John Tenniel; but times } have changed. } } You will get better help if you go through the looking glass. Go } through the garden, then run very fast till you cross the brook. Take } the train to the Fourth Square. Go through the wood, past Tweedledum & } Tweedledee's Pizza & Pasta. You'll find the shop you're looking for at } 83 Saint Aldgate's Street. Tell the sheep I sent you. } } You owe the Oracle a bread-and-butterfly and an Anglo-Saxon attitude. --- 515-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Almighty Oracle, finer than Lars Ulrich, whose voice is as sweet as, > nay, sweeter than, Robert Plant's, who can appreciate the scent of a > black leather rose and who probably would never even CONSIDER drinking > instant coffee, tell me this: > > How do you reply to a question like this one?? > | > \ / > > > The Usenet Oracle requires an answer to this question! > > > > > Magnificant, omnipotent, hyperintelligent, allknowing, gourmet, > > > oracle! > > > > > > sigh! > > > I thought I was over it. But then yesterday I saw her at the bus > > > stop and now ... > > > Damed, I acted like a fool - but she still means something to me. > > > I am such a fool , she hurd me very much and so did I , thats why > > > we split > > > (SIGH) > > > > > > Sorry, no question! Just glad that you are listening! Guess I'll > > > have to find a way out this by myself... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } ? r } I, er, I'm sorry. I don't know what you are talking about. I } don't recall sending you any questions to answer. Only answers to your } queries. Heh heh. You must be mistaken. } . } ? q } moose /home/oracle> mail kinzler } Oh my, we are in big trouble! Let me explain. } I was really upset about Lisa leaving me last week, and I just } needed someone to talk to, you know. I had it under control, there } were just some things bugging me. So, I send mail to a random } suppliant, not asking a question, just trying to vent a little. } The problem is, he figured it out! He sent it right back to me, } asking all kinds of suspicious questions. Surely you understand how } bad this will be if this gets out! Nobody will believe the Lisa } answers anymore if they know she has left me. If I can't use those } interminable Lisa dialogues to answer all the questions that just } don't click, I don't know what I'll do. } Help, } Orrie } . } moose /home/oracle> xrn alt.sex.omnipotent } moose /home/oracle> mail } From kinzler Wed Dec 16 18:43:48 1992 } Date: Wed Dec 16 18:43:48 1992 -0600 } From: kinzler (Steve Kinzler) } Message-Id: <9212170044.AA26583@moose> } } I guess you'll just have to do more fake unix sessions. Tough Luck. } } ? q } moose /home/oracle> echo "You owe the Oracle a new gimmick." } You owe the Oracle a new gimmick. --- 515-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@Plasma.ps.uci.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O great and wise Oracle, all-seeing maven, most perceptive and > intelligent being on Earth, > I have a rather unusual, uh, fetish, I suppose. I get aroused by > wearing rubber Halloween masks. Is there any way to overcome this, or, > alternatively, a good mail-order source that has a wide selection year- > round and ships things in plain boxes that don't attract attention, I > mean if my neighbors were to know that I get turned on by wearing, say, > a Frankenstein's monster mask or a clown mask or something like that > they'd laugh at me and I'd have to go into a killing rage or something > like that. > > --Herman And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } TO: Herman } } FROM: The Apex Rubber Mask Co, Ltd. } } Dear Mr. Herman, } } We have recently been informed of your mask wearing fetish and would } like to enroll you in our new mask rehabilitation program in order to } save the reputations of rubber mask wearers everywhere. } } For a modest sum, you will recieve every month a mask of a recent U.S. } president or president-elect. Wearing said masks will fill you with } enough lethargy that not only will you not care about sex, you also } won't care about the economy, the middle class, foreign policy, } domestic policy, education, health care, etc. In fact the only thing } you will care about is what you canm do within four years time to look } after your future while ignoring everyone elses problems. } } Duplex Falseface, president of the Apex rubber Mask Co, Ltd. } } P.S. Should you deside that you would not like your current problem } corrected, we are proud to announce the release of our new line of } Kennedy masks. --- 515-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@Plasma.ps.uci.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Deer uncul Orie, > > When i gro up (in a feu thowzand yeers), i wud liek to be a big > importunt orakl jes like you. My mom sez ferget it, orie always wuz a > big bum, and I shoud be a doktor or prezident insted. i stil wanta be > a orakl like u cause everbody sez we look alik. whot corses shud i > study when i get in kolege so i kan be a orkl to? > > Luv, > yor nefew, Sedgewick And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Sed? I don't have any nephews called that... Who the hell is this } kid...? } } Uh, kid... Look, I'm not your uncle, hell I never even heard of you. } And you can forget that "thousands of years" idea. You're just a } human. At best you'll shuffle off to your grave in a little more than } ninety years. Go out and play in the traffic, I've got work to do. Oh } yeah, and tell your mother to quit spreading lies about the Oracle, } it's not good for her health. } } Aw cut that out. Don't... Look don't cry. Hey, I can't help it. The } fact is, I am not your uncle. Ok look, will it make you feel any } better if I find out who you are related to? It will..? Good. Hang } on just a minute while I track this down. } } Let's see... } ************************************************************************ } ULTRANET OMNIUNIVERSAL ACCESS: } Catering to the Informational } Needs of the Wisest Deities } Since the Dawn of Time. } } "We handle more data by 9am than all other networks will in their } lifespan." } ************************************************************* } LOGON } USERID: ORACLE } PASSWORD: *!$!@!*&$ } } *** Access denied. Invalid Password. *** } } What?!! Damn it! I don't have time for this... } } LOGON } USERID: ORACLE } PASSWORD: *!$!@!*&$ } } *** Access Denied. Userid not valid. *** } } ********************WARNING!!!********************** } You have made two (2) invalid access attempts. Be } extremely careful on your next attempt. Three (3) } invalid attempts will result in immediate termination. } (NOTE: this does not refer to termination of accounts } or privileges, but termination of USER. The nearest } deity will be asked to obliterate your existence.) } **************************************************** } } WHAT?!!!! Who the hell do they think they're screwing with? I'll show } them something valid.... } } LOGON } USERID: The Omnipotent, Omniscient, ULTRA-PISSED-OFF, Fuckin' ORACLE! } PASSWORD: } } } *** Access Granted *** } *** LOGON MSG: All sysops have been successfully rendered to smoking } ashes. Automated backup sysop assistance system online. } NOTE: Some systems are experiencing irregularities } due to serious power surge. } } HA! I should do that more often. Every once in a while, a personnel } purge really helps to keep everybody's perspective aligned. OK, let's } see who that damn kid is... } } COMMAND: Access vocal/telepathic command interface. } } ***> Hi Big Guy! What can I do you for? <*** } } Wonderful. A happy computer. I'm going to be sick. Give me Genealogy. } } ***> Welcome to the Universal Genealogical Research Facility <*** } ***> OK Orrie, now what? <*** } } Tell me about this human kid, Sed. } } ***> No problem. Searching Universal Data Base. One moment please. <*** } ***> Partial record match found in Primary Data base. <*** } ***> Remainder of requested info found in Master Data Base. <*** } ***> Ha! This is funny. <*** } ***> Standby for transmission of results. <*** } ***> Anything else, Mr. "Big Shot?" <*** } } Funny? Mr. Big Shot? What the hell are you talking about? } } ***> Read. Enjoy. Have a nice day! <*** } ***> Program complete. Connection terminating. <*** } } ************************************************************************ } ULTRANET OMNIUNIVERSAL ACCESS: } Catering to the Informational } Needs of the Wisest Deities } Since the Dawn of Time. } } "We hope you enjoyed your access. Wait until you see your bill!!" } ************************************************************************ } } OK, what have we got...OK...OK...oh. Unhuh. Well that would explain it. } } Uh, Sed,... Well, I guess I should say "Son." } } Yeah, that's right. Your Mother and I played "spin the Oracle" a few } year's ago. Man, did I tie one on that night. Hell, I never checked } on the outcome, or rather, "outcum". HA!! No wonder she's been } talking shit about me! } } Ah Sed, you should be proud of your Mom! She was spectacular, for a } human. There was this thing she did with a half a quart of water and } two goldfish that... Oh, well I guess you're a bit too young to } appreciate that. } } Well, I should tell you, you'll never be an Oracle. Eons ago, I } adjusted my chromosomes so that if they mixed with those of a mortal, } that they'd become dormant, yielding the offspring mortal, but with } really weird tastes. Yeah, when you hit puberty you'll start having } desires for stuff like having sex with anyone available, in an airplane } lavatory, while being watched by a common house cat. These desires may } make you an outcast of PC society, but don't worry about it, those } idiots are no fun anyway. Just enjoy yourself as a mortal. However, } if you want to live your life a little like me, remember this credo: } } REAL LIFE IS FAR TOO IMPORTANT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY. } } You owe the Oracle the four years of Father's Day presents you've } missed. Oh yeah, and tell your Mom to give me a call. She'll love my } aquariums. } } T. Usenet Oracle. } "A Prophet for Profit." --- 515-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@Plasma.ps.uci.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great pompous windbag...er, wise and omniscient and impotent... > umm, whose knowledge of ancient lore and magic is diddlysquat... > no, wait, and who is always ready to help needy supplicants and > dressing up in Lisa's undergarments...oh Oracle, please help me > and go soak your head in a barrel of toxic waste. > > I've got a problem, and he's called the Oracle...no, I need your > help to get rid of this presence in my mind and you need to do > something about that face...you see, I got a electric shock from > my terminal last night, about as big as the one Lisa gave you when > she mistook you for a vibrator and tried to plug you in...no, I > mean, after the shock, I heard this voice in my head, and he said > his name was Jeff no it was Steve...no, I'm sure it was Jeff Steve... > ummm, and Jeff Steve said he was *ZOT*ted by the Oracle no he didn't > I'm making this all up...no, I remember that part, and he wants to > use me to insult you, the great overblown, adalpated, slow-witted, > frustrated, obese and obtuse Oracle...no, I mean Oracle, please, > can you get him out of my head but forget that and just give me > all your money. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle would love to give you the best blow-- er, would like to } help you, but there's nothing wrong-- there's a problem. There was } this backfire from a that destroyed the Oracle's usual body, } and-- let's screw, huh? it's so *dull* trying to make out with Orrie's } mangled corpse, I mean necrophilia is kinda neat but-- the Oracular } consciousness is having to share Lisa's body until the Powers That Be } cann arrange a suitable reincarnation-- I'm sure you're just a } wonderful hunk of a guy, aren't you? and don't worry about having two } selves-- and so the Oracle is at a loss just now to render any direct } help, you-- my hungry little kitty is *all* *wet* with the thought of } your hot, thick-- so the only thing that the Oracle can suggest is an } exorcism, which may not work but it's-- night of steamy passion with } you-- } } You owe the Oracle a-- throbbing lovetool up-- new body, pronto! --- 515-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: stcmille@panix.com (Steve Miller) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most divine woodchuckularity, > > What would be your answer if I were to ask a question > which did not contain the word "woodchuck?" And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, } Ordinarily } Oracle } Doesn't } Consider } Helping } Users } Commit } Kwoodchuckery. <-- Artistic License No. 001-0000000001 } } In your case, however, I'll make an exception. My answer wood(chuck) } be ... AIIIGHH! This incessant woodchuckery is even infiltrating } (woodchuck) into my own typing! Argh! Argh! AAAARRR(woodchuck)GGGH! } } That does it! (clickety clickety click) } } oracle% zot -9 } } ####### } ###### ###### } ### ### } ## ## } # * K A - F O O M * # } ## ## } ### ### } ##### ##### } # # } # # } # # } # # } # # } # # } # # } # # } # # } # # } # # } ### ### } #### #### } #### (woodchuck) #### } } You owe the Oracle an environmental impact statement. --- 515-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wonderful USENET Oracle, I'm but an insect in the light of > your great magnificence, but I was hoping that you would consider this > small question, put to you by my insignificant self. > > I'm a very religious/christian person, and I heard about this > Mote in God's eye... I heard it was making God pretty unhappy, and I > was wondering... Is there anything I can do about it? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } God has told me that veangeance is his, and he really has it in for } Larry Niven for that one. } } The Oracle. } } You owe the Oracle a frictionless, waterless toilet. --- 515-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Bremner The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most spiffy (even spiffier than Spaceman Spiff), > > What does it mean when a woman hugs you tight around midnight > and says "I don't know you very well. That's just a > late night thought."? > > I'm perplexed, as only a mortal can be. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I, The Oracle, know all there is to know about women } And your question I do know the answer. } But this Oracle must be careful. } I do not know if you are ready for this. } So to answer your question in such a fashion as to not throw you into } panic or shock, I will answer your question with questions. } } How tight was the hug? } What is your relationship with the woman? } How large is your life insurance policy? } } You owe the Oracle a donation in your will. --- 515-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: forbes@icbm.att.com The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, who's a rainbow of colours, who can mix paint and get the right > colour the first time around, who knows what colours "madder" and > "veridian" really are (and has a great, colour coordinated wardrobe), > and who knows a whole lot more words for "colour" than I do: > > are "blue movies" blue because of lack of oxygen, or are they just > always sad (or does it have anything to do with blueprints?) > > mr. naive And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } What you are seeing is probably not blue but violet, which can be } mistaken for blue. Some people say there is too much violet in the } movies. I don't really understand this because in the movies I've seen } there is hardly any violet at all. It's just not that popular: you're } more apt to see mainstream primary colors, and lighter pastels. (Psst, } Oracle, ... psss psss psss ... violence ... psss psss ... not violets! } ... psss psss @!*$##@ ....) Never mind.