From oracle-request Sun Jan 10 20:48:11 1993 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA06354; Sun, 10 Jan 1993 20:48:11 -0500 Date: Sun, 10 Jan 1993 20:48:11 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #517 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: "9e\S&XFxP?L)~?^jbHC!$jk5#O}v\n#nwz8'd$#(H,+B4n<^{GSCr,![PCrQOV1 nW{vh|Ev<)b!y?'?aysJ)3YJ_/sOl@a'lKaG,uk|Xh3mR+xa]XJ!$vqAjQe?.nst;0/"u?M2K~rC6k~ |)'uWrn%alJW'QwwJJ441kc,m.C!?:EP49(+ X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with "faces". From the cs.indiana.edu ftp archive today. === 517 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #517 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Sun, 10 Jan 1993 20:48:11 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 517 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 512 37 votes 65ca4 29d94 49f63 8d691 06eb6 28i72 37e85 05abb 9ab52 66988 512 3.0 mean 3.0 3.1 2.9 2.5 3.5 3.0 3.1 3.8 2.5 3.2 --- 517-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ken McGlothlen The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > oh mighty oracle, forgive me for not capitalizing your worthy name, as > proper reverence would dictate. no disrespect is intended. > > you see, i am having this problem with my 'shift' key. oh, it works, > all right; every time i press it, my keyboard shifts -- into another > dimension. it takes me damn near forever to track it down when that > happens. the last time, i had to chase it through seven ethereal > planes and finally cornered it in a wormhole where it had taken up > service with a family of cheap green retractable biros. > > i don't dare find out what 'caps lock' will do. what is causing this > problem, and how can i fix it [there should be a question mark here, > but that requires the shift key] > > my humble gratitude is forever yours, oh mighty Ora - *poof* And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You arx indxxd fortunatx, worthy supplicant, for my situation today is } worsx than yours. I havx similarly lost thx usx of thx X kxy, and } havx had to substitutx thx lxttxr X instxad, as you can xasily sxx. } Xvxn with my own admittxdly grxat powxrs, it will takx somx timx to } fix, and in thx mxanwhilx, if I usx thx X kxy, MY kxyboard vanishxs } undxrnxath my chair. Your imagination probably isn't good xnough to } rxalizx how traumatic that can bx to mx, but pxrhaps you can guxss } that if I'm not actually in Indiana, thxm maybx I'm not sitting in my } chair, xithxr. } } Lxt's sxx if I can fix that X kxy. I'm prxtty good at thxsx things, } and whxn I gxt my X kxy working, I'll fix your shift kxy. Hold on a } minutx. } Thxrx. Oh dxar! } Now qhx Q kxy is brokxn as wxll. Iq sxnds MX undxrnxaqh a chair in } Indiana, of all placxs! I'm gxqqing sick and qirxd of bxing } all-powxrful. Would you likx qo qakx ovxr qhis job for a whilx? } } I guxss qhaq you don'q wanq qhx Oraclx qo aqqxmpq qo fix your shifq } kxy aq qhx prxsxnq qimx. } } You owx qhx Oraclx a monqh's holiday wiqhouq inqxrrupqion from } supplicanqs. --- 517-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How did Sacajawea communicate with Lewis and Clark? Did Lewis and > Clark learn her native language, or did Sacajewea leaarn English? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Let's look in and see: } } [Scene: Somewhere in the Great Northwest. An away-team consisting } of Lewis, Clark, Sacagawea, and an expendable crewman have left } the main body of explorers at the river to investagate the local } flora and fauna. The three men are closly examining an interesting } specimen of local mushroom] } } Lewis: Hey, William. Do you think this might be the magic mushroom. } } Clark: I don't know, Meriwether, ask the squaw. } } [ Lewis plucks the Mushroom and makes eating motions with his mouth } in Sacagawea's face ] } } Sacagawea: (Shakes head rapidly) } } Lewis: Nope, good thing we didn't eat it, huh? } } Sacagawea:(begins waving arms an geturing wildly) } } Lewis: What is it woman? } } Sacagawea: ( Points ) } } Clark: There? } } S: (nods) } (lifts skirt and bends over) } } C: Ass?...Moon?...Rear? } } L: Bottom?...Butt? } } S: (shakes head violently)(Continues to expose herself) } } C: Tail?...Hiney?... } } Expendable crewman: Gluteus Maximus? } (everyone stares) } EC: Sorry. } } L:Anus?....Bare behind?.. } } S:(nods rapidly then points directly at Lewis) } } C: You! } } L: There bare behind you. Ah, There's a bear behind you. } } Grizzly: ROARRRRR! (eats Expendable Crewman as others run off toward } river) } } You owe the Oracle one of each. --- 517-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Todd Radel The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > The supplicant, dressed in white socks, unwashed jeans, thick > glasses and a pocket protector is sitting in front of his Zen > master, somewhere high in the regions of the Himalaya. > He silently asks: Why is an Oracle? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The master replied: "An Oracle is as the clatter of a DECwriter III } during a cluster state transition, or as the carrier tone on an } unconnected modem. Such is the nature of things." } } The supplicant looked puzzled. He shifted awkwardly, sorted the pens } in his pocket by color, and asked for another answer. The master } frowned. } } "An Oracle is The Oracle, in the same way as your question is. You } cannot understand these things until you know this: What is the nature } of a question shortly after the one who asked it has evaporated in a } whiff of hydrogen, ozone, and carbon monoxide?" } } "Huh?" } } "H sub 2, O sub 3, and CO." } } "I don't get...." } } And at that moment, the supplicant was enlightened. So enlightened, in } fact, that the glow could be seen all the way to East St. Louis. } } You owe The Oracle an original AI koan. --- 517-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Miller The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O oracle divine, o oracle sublime > > tell me, your humble acolyte and would-be-editorial-priest? > > Why is recursion so recursive? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, re-curse you for having asked *that* question again! } The last time I answered it, I got caught in an infinite loop, } but as I am but obliged to answer it anyway, here goes: } In the next sentence, I will explain to you, why recursion is so } recursive. In the previous sentence I gave you the explanation, } why recursion is so recursive. } Now, wasn't that neat? } You owe the Oracle a curfew. --- 517-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why don't I have a girlfriend yet? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Because you are a 12-year old nerdy whizkid using a Commodore } 64 with a 1200 Baud modem trying to hack his way into Usenet and } asking the first person you stumble upon (which happens to be me) } the second-silliest question of all. } Geez - next thing you know you'll be asking woodchuck questions! } Let me tell you one thing: All this is not good for you. Go get a } life and a girl friend, and if *then* you still got the urge to } send mail to total strangers, then come back. Maybe. } Until then... } } what? stop? why? } You mean you think you are a twenty-nine year old computer professional } sitting in front of a Sparc station in the midst of huge piles of } line printer printout, coffee cups and rock-hard cookies trying to } figure out why you haven't had a date for years? } Geez - I told you it was dangerous to run a virtual reality program } on your C64. Must have forgotten to cancel the process, I guess. } No problem for old uncle Orrie. Trust me. } ...OT!> } } (And somewhere in a playroom in Washington D. C. a Commodore 64 and } a cheap modem burst in flames.) } } You owe the Oracle a kill -9 for reality. --- 517-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most elegantly indescreet Oracle, whose toefloppings I am not > worthy to jam, whose inexpasite vistera gulter like the ungatherous > golpeds of Hervanta, I, most humble, worthless and ungoiple gostbalder > freen for your advise: > > I live in a horrible country with heinously inhuman TV networks. They > have cancelled Star Trek: The Next Generation after its third season! > Please tell me what should I do to hold on to my sanity and regain my > faith in the human nature. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The bodaciously immaculate Oracle, in Latin "Oraculius Splendouress } Magnificus" deeply sympathizes with you because of your loss. They } did not cancel your beloved Star Trek. They have altered the energy } flow of the program to a higher warp level thus altering it in form, } appearance, and flavor. These apparent changes, however, are merely } illusion. Everyone's favorite Star Trek: The NeXT Generation still } exists, but it is now being broadcast by the name Star Trek: Star } Base Nine. (Or something to that effect. The Oracle has difficulty } discerning the desceptive plasma disrepresentation which emmulates } the confusion within carbon-units.) Anyway, you will find that this } Star Trek will have the same droll, over-stretched plots as its two } prior likenesses. This Star Trek will continue the Star Trek } condition of having characters sit around and talk about things } rather than waste any energy and have actual action. The first } episode appeared last night, January 7, 1993, with emphasis on time } and the existence of worm-holes. } } This was a nasty trick to try to the pass off an entirely new } Star Trek when it is identical to the old one. Possibly,to restore } your faith in human nautre, you could go out and give a TV network } person a swift kick in the ass. This desceptive mind game is not } unlike the episode in which they try to make Picard believe there are } 5 lights. THERE ARE 4 LIGHTS!!!!!!!! --- 517-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most puissant, whose comings and goings leave > a delightful, fragrant, glowing trail of co[s]mic dust, > please deign to answer the question of this mortal > transient... no, wait. That's supposed to be transient > mortal, I think. Or is it transmort entrail? Oh, Hell. > > One day last week, I was walking to work and inadvertantly > strode directly into a wrinkle in the fabric of space and > time. Looking around, I saw a shimmering rectangle > suspended in midair, upon which was the message > > Do NOT remove this tag under penalty of law! > > I... I don't know what came over me. I'm usually an orderly, > rule-abiding human, but when I saw this I reached up and > gave a yank. The rectangle came off in my hand, then > melted into a puddle which had a ruinous effect on my > shoes. Otherwise, nothing seemed to happen. > > I'm very worried about this. What happens now? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, it's like this. The "law" that the message referred to was, of } course, Einstein's law of Relativity, embodied in the equation E = } mc^2. However, neither Einstein nor any physicists after him realized } the implications of relativity. You see, the "shape" of space-time has } not yet been correctly hypothesized. It's not a hypersphere, it's not } cartesian; in fact, it's a hyper-fitted-sheet. You see, everything in } the universe is made up of either mattress or energy. They are related } by Einstein's equation, and so if you bring some mattress into contact } with an equivalent amount of anti-mattress, you get a proportional } amount of energy. } } The hyper-fitted-sheet encloses the sum total of mattress in the } universe. In fact, the model that your scientists use to describe } gravity (an object placed on a soft surface makes an indentation, which } causes nearby objects to "fall" towards it) is not just an analogy, but } in fact the actual way gravity works. } } Now, the so-called "wrinkles in the fabric of space-time" are not } uncommon, because the universe wasn't "made" very well. But even so, } they are few and far between enough so that science has never measured } them. Although Earth has come in contact with many, they are minor } enough that they do no lasting damage. Pray, however, that the Earth } never gets close enough to the edge of the universe to encounter one of } the dreaded "hospital corners in the fabric of space-time," even one of } which would doubtless tear the planet asunder. } } Anyway, you don't need to worry about anything. Yes, you removed the } tag. Yes, you violated the Law. However, as a consequence, you can } probably now get away with violating it whenever you want, opening and } closing freak wormholes and converting matter to energy to your heart's } delight. Which means a) your heating bill will go WAY down and b) } you'll never again have to actually BUY tickets to concerts -- hell, } you can trasport yourself backstage! } } You owe the Oracle a futon. --- 517-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@Plasma.ps.uci.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Should I quit my job, my thesis and everything - just to get a life? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You shouldn't - just think what Your Mother Would Say! } } You owe the Oracle a visit at Christmas. --- 517-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why are New Year's eve and Christmas so close together? > Do they have a common origin? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } As you know, Christmas originated as a celebration of the birth of } Jesus who, according to Christian teaching, was the Savior of the } world. New Year's Day, obviously, celebrates the beginning of the } year. In order to understand the reason for the closeness of the two } holidays, we must go back in time to ancient Judea, circa 4 BC... } } ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ } We are in the house of Joseph, a poor carpenter living on the southwest } side of Nazareth, and his lovely wife Mary. Joe is out back, } belt-sanding a new council table for the Sanhedrin. Mary is inside, } watching her favorite soap opera, "As the Dreidel Turns". Suddenly, } she is blinded by a flash of light. } } "Hey? What's that?", Mary cries. } } "It is I, Gabriel, the angel of the Lord. I bring you tidings of great } joy!" } } "Can it wait until the commercial?" } } "No, the word of God does not wait for commercials." } } Mary reluctantly hit the mute, and listened to what the angel had to } say. "OK, Gabe, go ahead." } } Gabriel began to explain, "The Lord has chosen you to be placed above } all women. You are to bear a son, and name him Jesus. He will be the } Savior of the world, and all will call him Emmanuel." } } "What's an Emmanuel?", Mary interrupted. } } "Don't ask questions--it's just part of the script." Gabriel cleared } his throat. "Do you accept this task which God has chosen for you?" } } "Uh, yeah, sure, I guess so. As long as I get to pick the date of the } birth. I've got a Tupperware (tm) party coming up next week, and I'm } hosting the bridge circle on Wednesday...I'm a busy woman!" } } Gabriel thought for a moment. "Well, OK, I guess. When do you want } the kid to be born? Remember, this is the world's savior-to-be. His } birthday will be honored and celebrated for millennia to come. Nations } will make it an official holiday." } } "You mean people will get off work?" } } "Yeah, that's right." } } "Well, when could Joe use some more time off? We did want to take a } vacation around the beginning of next year, but we only get the one day } off. And Joe has already used up all his vacation for this year." } } Gabriel pondered this for a moment. "Why do you want to take a } vacation then? There's nothing going on for miles." } } Mary responded, "Yeah, I know. You know Joe volunteers with the Census } Bureau, and there's some sort of shindig going on in Bethlehem for the } census this year." } } "OK, I guess that'll work. So we'll have the baby born January 1." } } Mary yelled, "No, no! That's already a holiday. Don't waste it. Just } put it close to New Year's Day." } } "Well, when then?", Gabriel asked. "You can't get every day off..." } } Mary thought for a bit, and then said, "Well, how about making it as } close to New Year's as possible. If they're close enought, maybe a lot } of companies will give us all the time in between off. Sort of a, } well, New Year's shutdown, you might call it." } } "How far apart could they be, and still get the vacation? That would } maximize the benefits", Gabriel said. } } "Maybe a week or two", Mary said. } } Gabriel replied, "Better stick with a week. OK, we'll have the baby } born January 8. That's a week after New Year's." } } Mary said, "That's fine. That'll be...oh, on second thought, how about } the week before New Year's? Then we can claim the deduction on this } year's taxes." } } Gabriel said, "OK, no problem. One week before New Year's } Day--that's... December 25. Jesus, Savior of the world, will be born } this next December 25." } } "Cool", Mary said. And with that, the angel left her. } } ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ } And so, you see why Christmas was placed so close to the end of the } year. It was all part of God's wonderful and mysterious plans, which } you humans cannot hope to comprehend. I realize this does shed a new } bit of light on the original Bible story, but you did want the truth, } didn't you? } } You owe the Oracle a prayer to intercede for forgiveness of his sins, } because he's probably going to Hell for writing this... --- 517-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is the best pickup line that a man can use on a woman? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Personally, I recommend 50-pound-test nylon line; however, some women } think that something a bit gentler (like satin cord) is more romantic. } } You owe the Oracle a hook and wench^H^H^H^H^Hwinch.