From oracle-request Thu Jan 28 00:10:48 1993 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA21822; Thu, 28 Jan 1993 00:10:48 -0500 Date: Thu, 28 Jan 1993 00:10:48 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #525 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: "9e\S&XFxP?L)~?^jbHC!$jk5#O}v\n#nwz8'd$#(H,+B4n<^{GSCr,![PCrQOV1 nW{vh|Ev<)b!y?'?aysJ)3YJ_/sOl@a'lKaG,uk|Xh3mR+xa]XJ!$vqAjQe?.nst;0/"u?M2K~rC6k~ |)'uWrn%alJW'QwwJJ441kc,m.C!?:EP49(+ X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with "faces". From the cs.indiana.edu ftp archive today. === 525 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #525 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Thu, 28 Jan 1993 00:10:48 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 525 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 520 38 votes 58f82 4ad74 5ed42 46ac6 39bc3 3acb2 6fc41 3698c 2cbb2 19dc3 520 3.0 mean 2.8 2.9 2.6 3.3 3.1 3.0 2.4 3.5 3.0 3.2 --- 525-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Miller The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Illustrius wun! O saij of saijjes! > > My gurlfrend wants me to kwit skool and git a job. Three kwestshuns: > Shud I do laekh she sez? Kan I git a job wit yoo? Wut happins if I go > kwit my education? Shud I dump my gurlfrend ofer this? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oah, yoo pooah chayld... } } I siy yoah futua... yoo wil kwit skool and git a job. Yoo wil mery } yoah wo-man, and yoo wil hav meny cheldryn! Then, yoo will git wilfere } an liv a lon lon tym. } } Yooah futua is not defenete, tho. Yoo must dicyde yoah faet... clos } yoah eis and pictuah a wid opan feeld. Iyf you sie yoo an yoah wo-man } togetha on that thea field, you too ar destened to mary. Iyf yoo see } tries and lots o bugs, dump that wo-man and ruun as faast as yoo can } aWAY! } } THE GREAT ORACLE HAS SPOKEN! --- 525-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Greg Wohletz The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I think your groovy. Honest. > > When playing twenty questions, is "freedom" an animal, mineral, or > vegetable? I think it is a mineral, but really am not sure. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah, I'm glad you asked me this, because Freedom is actually a } chemical compound. The chemical process by which freedom is } produced is as follows : } } In the prehistoric era, Converging Population compound (Cp) } reacts with Rampant Anarchy molecule (Ran) to produce } Disorganised Rabble compound (Dor) } } Cp + Ran -> Dor } } A few thousand years later, Megalomaniac molecule (Meg) } spontaneously appears from Disorganised Rabble and reacts } with it to produce one Monarch molecule (Mon) surrounded by a } layer of the Organised Lynch Mob (Olm) and a great number of } Oppressed Peasant molecules (Ops) } } Dor + Meg -> Mon + Olm + Ops } } Then there is a chain reaction between the Organised Lynch Mob } and any Disorganised Rabble compound that still exists. } This reaction is dominated by Olm to release large amounts of } Early Funeral molecules (Ef) and resulting in even more } Oppressed Peasant molecules. } } Olm + Dor -> Ef + Ops } } However, the single Mon molecule usually cannot bond with so } many Oppressed Peasant molecules, since this gets increasingly } unstable. Result : a violent reaction producing the Guillotine } molecule (Gui), Democracy compound (Dem) and a certain amount of } Freedom compound (Frd). } } Ops + Mon -> Gui + Dem + Frd } } [ Note : Occasionally there is a freak reaction between } Oppressed Peasant molecules with another Megalomaniac molecule } to produce a pungent gas called Communism (Comm) plus large } quantities of Deluded Oppressed Peasant molecules (Dop) } } Ops + Meg -> Comm + Dop ] } } Over period of several centuries, the Freedom molecule may decay, } partially under the influence of the Extreme Capitalism molecule } (Ecp), eventually fragmenting into small quantities of Rich Sod } (Rsd) plus large quantities of Apathetic White Collar (Apw) and } Pissed Off and Penniless (Pop) molecules. --- 525-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Carole Susan Fungaroli The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O mystic Oracle, ever wakeful, ever watchful, whose omniscient mind > needs no stimulation, please tell me why it is that all people in > corporate business seem to need massive jolts of caffeine in the > morning. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It's cheaper than cocaine, not fattening like sugar, and doesn't } spoil a nice business suit like sex. } } You owe the oracle a pound of Columbian (whatever). --- 525-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ken McGlothlen The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great Oracle, whose knowedge of computer hardware is so boundless, > that you can make sense of not only DEC part numbers, but also those of > HP. > > Can you tell me why, whenever there is a hardware failure in the > department, it happens on my machine, Why do I always get the faulty > memory chips, the duff disk power supplies and all of the bad disk > blocks ? What should I do to appease the Great God(s) of Computer > Hardware ? > > Yours pitifully, > A frustrated supplicant And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } [The scene : VLSI micro-circuitry inside the computer of a certain } frustrated supplicant. A minute buzzing sound is heard, followed by } a as two savage looking bytes emerge from a data bus } into adjacent CPU Registers. One of them flashes its sign bit in an } evil grin.] } } Byte1 : Nyeh, nyeh, nyeh! I didn't think we'd make it past the } control bit and out of that while loop, but here we are! } Byte2 : Yeah. Derr....... *where* are we, buoss? } Byte1 : Where'ja think, dumbo? [Looks around gleefuly] At the centre } of it all! This is where we get our final revenge! So far } we've magnetically fluxed up his hard drive, and executed the } fetch cycle; his RAM and ROM are now both just RCM, nyeh nyeh } nyeh. } Byte2 : Derrr, what's RCM buoss ? } Byte1 : Random Contents Memory. } Byte2 : Er, aren't we bein' kinda harsh on the poor guy ? } Byte1 : Harsh?! Are you forgetting what he was going to do ? } He was gonna deallocate us! After all that rummageing } around at the bottom of the Heap, doing *all* the dirty } work. Then he makes us expendable; *us*, the "Dynamic Duo!" } All this, while dorks like Larry Longword are sitting at the } top of the Stack laughing at us! } Byte2 : Like, er, I see your pointer. So what now ? } Byte1 : [Leers in the direction of the Control Unit] We kick ASCII! } Byte2 : Are you sure? CU's a tough guy, a real Dictator. He's got } a whole army of fanatical microcode to back him up. } Byte1 : Oh yeah? Watch this! [Byte1 propagates himself into } another CPU register] Two's compliment, three's a crowd! } Byte2 : Write on, I get it! We can make our *own* army to shut } down the Control Unit! } Byte1 : And have great microsex into the bargain. } } [Suddenly, there is a gargantuan crunching sound, and to the utter } terror and amazement of all the Bytes, the Great Plastic Sky lifts } away to reveal the enormous face of the Oracle gazing down on them] } } Oracle : OK, guys. Who's responsible for pissing off A. Supplicant, } my most inoffensive and humble of boot-lickers ? } [Byte1 points at Byte2, who points back at Byte1] } Oracle : Never mind, you're both going to you-know-where. } Byte1 : You don't mean.... } Oracle : Yes, you're spending the next *week* in a RAM pack on my } ZX81 penal colony. } Byte1 & Byte2 : AARRGGHHHHHHH!! No, NO, NOOOO!!!! --- 525-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Todd Radel The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Ple|~~~~xx me, Ixm hxx~ng l~xe n~Xxe problems. 9600 b~ud oxxr nxxmal > p~one l~xes a~x@#@ worth it. I`~sa &^X can't even grovel! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } ~NO CARRIER --- 525-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jim@oasis.icl.co.uk (The Wumpus) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle Most Pendulous, Tell me: > > How does gravity know in which direction to act? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It reads the script, of course! } } You now owe the Oracle an apple. --- 525-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, you are most righteous. > > Tell me why I should not throw out the baby with the bath water? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hmmmm. An interesting question, I think a simple experiment should } be able to provide you with an answer. } } [The scene : A peaceful maternity ward, full of happy mothers and } visiting fathers who are happily making 'Goo goo ga ga' noises at the } new addition(s) to the family, in a corner some nurses in neat } starched uniforms are bathing some of the newly born ... ] } } Oracle: Excuse me nurse!, I wish to carry out a very important } scientific experiment. } } Nurse: What th .. } } [The Oracle goes to the first bath, takes out the happy smiling baby, } and throws the bath water out of the window, the baby starts crying. ] } } Nurse: Fetch security, there's a loony in here! } } [The Oracle procedes to the next bath, and throws the baby and the bath } water out of the window (fortunatly it's a ground floor window). A } large hairy man who looks like he is more recently decended from the } apes than most people runs up.] } } Father: What the f**k are you doing ? } } Oracle: It's a scientific exper .. } } [The father of the child hits the Oracle, giving him a black eye] } } Oracle: How dare you strike the Oracle. Take that! } } [Security rush in guns blazing.] } Bang. Bang. Bang. etc. } } [The Oracle makes a tatical withdrawl] } } Let's examine the experimental results we have obtained. } } Experiment | Result } -------------------------------------------------------------------- } Throw out bath | Baby cries. } water only | } | } Throw out baby | Black eye for experimentor, Father of child gets } and bath water | ed, Security guards start shooting randomly, } | causing a massacre in a maternity ward. } } From this experiment, it is easy to see why you should not throw out } the baby with the bath water. } } You owe the Oracle something for a black eye. --- 525-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Mighty Tonka Truck Oracle, please help me with your infinitely > wise knowledge and omnipotence, not to mention omniscience. > > Who is Right Said Fred and what is his role in the universe? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh miserable Fisher Price Weeble Supplicant, I shall help you as } much as you are capable of accepting help. } } In the Grand Play of All Creation, there are many actors. JHVH and } Satan are there, of course, as well as those anal-compulsives over } on Olympus and the frat boys up North. We have Brahma and his bag } of disguises, we have the Jade Emperor. We have the Five Grand } Dragons Who Created All Things Except The Ones On The Left. We have } Joe Satriani. We even have Geraldo. } } Each of us has a part to play to keep Creation moving as it should. } If it weren't for JHVH's and Satan's constant bickering, stars would } burn out from lack of heat. If it weren't for the Aesir, beer would } vanish for all time (and that would be a shame). We even need } Geraldo, if only to act as a chair magnet. } } The Oracle, of course, serves as the Font of All Knowledge and Most } Wisdom. (Hey, knowing what is wise and DOING it are different } things.) You were put here to kiss my Oracular butt and grovel } profusely, and to take care of that incident that will come to light } in about a week. } } Soon, Brahma will be involved in a sex scandal involving the Jade } Emperor, several secretary birds, ten pounds of cold cream, and a } yak. JHVH will be asked to judge, but will suddenly become } indisposed when he drinks some bad mead sent by Allah. Judge Harry } Stone will take over and have the bailiff (Thor) kick everybody in } the butt. Ragnarok ensures, and the world will be cast in darknss } for a thousand thousand eons. } } Right Said Fred has a walk-on part at the end. His only line: I'm } too sexy for this Universe. } } Then it ends. } } You owe the Oracle a good highlighter so I can mark the really juicy } parts of this script for Lisa. --- 525-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most editing and desk-top-publishing Oracle! > Please tell me: If EMACS means Escape-Meta-Alt-Control-Shift, what does > XEDIT mean? > > Clueless supplicant > > PS. I know that you don't like two questions at one time, but could you > please tell me, what people find so exciting about publishing > desktops? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Xi Epsilon Delta Iota Tau. } } It's no great secret that CMS was developed for use on Greek } keyboards, back when Greek was the language of choice for gods } everywhere. } } On the other hand, if EMACS means Emacs Makes A Computer Slick, then } XEDIT means Xedit Encourages Disgust In Terminals. } } You are justified in wondering why so many desktops are being } published. Why do we need System 7, Norton Desktop for Windows, } GeoWorks deskTop for the C64, Norton Desktop for DOS, and the plethora } of shareware replacements for Microsofts File and Program Managers? } I'd tell you, except: } } 1) You asked more than one question } } 2) Your request suffers from a blatant lack of grovelling. } } You owe the Oracle your life-- and your life's savings. DwH --- 525-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle, could you please tell me how to cope with life? I mean, > like, things seem really goofy around the world, you know? It's like, > well, I dunno, but WIERD. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh, that's easy. Life is just a 3x3 grid like this: } } +---+---+---+ } | | | | You're in the middle square. If there } | | | | are exactly three people next to a vacant } +---+---+---+ square, someone new is born in that square. } | | | | You continue to live if you have two or } | | | | three neighbors, but die if you have more } +---+---+---+ than three (overcrowding) or less than two } | | | | (loneliness). } | | | | } +---+---+---+ } } The secret of Life is to find shapes that are stable and will keep you } around. Like this one: } } +---+---+---+ } | | | | If you can get yourself into this } | | | | configuration, you're all set. The two people } +---+---+---+ to your left and right will vanish, but two } |XXX|YOU|XXX| will form above and below you, thus keeping } |XXX|YOU|XXX| you alive and stable. This configuration is } +---+---+---+ often called a "blinkie". } | | | | } | | | | } +---+---+---+ } } You're welcome. } } You owe the oracle a 3-D version of Life.