From oracle-request Thu Feb 4 13:48:36 1993 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA09758; Thu, 4 Feb 1993 13:48:36 -0500 Date: Thu, 4 Feb 1993 13:48:36 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #528 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: "9e\S&XFxP?L)~?^jbHC!$jk5#O}v\n#nwz8'd$#(H,+B4n<^{GSCr,![PCrQOV1 nW{vh|Ev<)b!y?'?aysJ)3YJ_/sOl@a'lKaG,uk|Xh3mR+xa]XJ!$vqAjQe?.nst;0/"u?M2K~rC6k~ |)'uWrn%alJW'QwwJJ441kc,m.C!?:EP49(+ X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with "faces". From the cs.indiana.edu ftp archive today. === 528 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #528 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Thu, 4 Feb 1993 13:48:36 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 528 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 523 40 votes 5acb2 2dd75 27k83 7d974 7ic30 08id1 048fd 5eh31 2ah83 28dc5 523 3.0 mean 2.9 3.0 3.1 2.7 2.3 3.2 3.9 2.5 3.0 3.2 --- 528-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Where is my dog Lassie??? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } --- 528-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: ewhac@shell.portal.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh mighty Oracle, > who is clad in silk and does not need buttons: > Tell me, why there are buttons in three ways: > (:) > and > (::) > and > (.) > (or so I am told from your description of Unitrea in Oracularities 524) > > but not > (.:) > i.e., a triad of holes > ??? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Once again, the Oracle is charmed by your naivete and is moved to } answer this humble supplicant. } } Further downstream the Awash (Unitrea's one river), the river branches } off into three and thence known as the Threewash, respectively the } Awash, Bwash, and Cwash. A tribe called the Abaci lives upon the three } downstream shores in three towns: Abbe, Bede, and Chrisom. } } Some times the best way to answer a supplicant's question is through } parable. I will tell you a story about the young girl whose name I } omitted to mention in my earlier response, but now will relate is } Solitaria. } } Solitaria's parents had warned her to stay away from the downriver } tribe, but she was, as children often are, not the most dedicated } obeyer of rules. And while this was the One Rule she was to obey, it } was the One Rule she broke. (Solitaria thus recapitulated her people's } origin tale of when the first man and the first woman broke Allah's One } Rule.) This Oracle can hardly blame her, for one must get bored of } playing solitaire from a deck with one card. } } Solitaria was fascinated by one thing above all others -- the monarch } butterfly. One day she was watching a monarch butterfly so intently } that she did not realize she was wandering far from her one home. She } did not notice that single-leafed plants gradually became became } sparser replaced by three-leafed plants. } } Solitaria gasped once when accosted thrice by three different children } each saying, "Hi, hi, hi." As if this were not jarring enough they all } gave her a triple-gestured three-finger salute, then each introducing } his own name and that of his brothers: } } "Hi, hi, hi, I am Abel; this is Boanerges and Christopher." } "Hi, hi, hi, I am Boanerges; this is Abel and Christopher." } "Hi, hi, hi, I am Christopher; this is Abel and Boanerges." } } They wore strange attire: Three-piece suits with the three } triple-holed buttons this humble supplicant was so incredulous as to } doubt, three-strapped sandals, and thirdly, tricornered hats. Each } article of clothing was made of three different materials dyed three } different colors. } } Their hair was parted thrice whereas Solitaria's hair was parted once. } Whereas Solitaria's hair was woven to one purpose, each of the three } strange boys' hairs was braided and carried three pruposes. One strand } held a triangle-shaped implement that triples as a pen, pencil, and } high-lighter. Another strand held a religious trinket with three } branches off its base. The third held a timepiece that delieated the } day into three segments of of three smaller sub-segments of three even } smaller sub-sub-segments each. } } Solitaria was most baffled, for in Unitrea, there is no concept of time } -- they live at one moment. Their bell-tower has one bell and rings } out once. The Abaci have three times -- past, present, and future. } They have three towers in each town each having three bells which ring } out thrice three times daily. Needless to say, Solitaria was } unaccustomed to this din. } } When the Unitrean child accompanied the triplets to there home, she was } amazed by the sights before her -- three-laned road allowing mounted } triceratops' to go off in any of three directions. Abaci engineers } construct three-dimensional traffic flows, unlike the two-dimensional } constructions prevalent upon earth or one-dimensional road in Unitrea. } Of course traffic is no problem in Unitrea as there is only one } unicycle and all roads lead to Unitrea. } } Solitaria marvelled at the three-story house the Abaci boys led her to. } She did not know how they got there because she could not triangulate } as she did, and thus was more than a bit worried. To make matters } worse she learned they did not recite the Daily Prayer ("There is but } one God, God and Mohammed is his prophet.") but instead worshipped one } God who took on three forms. } } Further, rather than using a single platform (UN*X) as they did in } Unitrea, the Abaci used abacuses, DOS 3.3, and Modula-3. Instead of } monochrome monitors, they possessed trichrome trinitors -- three } screens arranged in a triangle with pixels red, yellow, or blue. It } seemed hypocritical of the Abaci, to Solitaria, to call them primary } colors when there were so many of them! } } The triplet's had three parents. Solitaria did not understand how } anyone could have three parents, but it was assured her that everyone } in the Abaci had three parents. When Solitaria asked how this was } possible, the Abaci were quite surprised and remained silent. } "Perhaps", thought Solitaria to herself, "they do not know and are too } embarrassed to say. I will let them be, for I would not want to anger } such a strange people whom I was told not even to go near, oh my!" } } Seeing Solitaria's discomfort, the Abaci parents, who wore trifocals } rather than the monacles she was used to seeing in Unitrea, decided to } take Solitaria back to her home. Solitaria enjoyed riding upon the } triceratops, but decided preferred her own unicorn better and was } thrilled to be back home. Her parents were delighted to see her back } and gave her one good scolding later. } } The triplets waved goodbye to her thrice and professed they wished to } see her thrice more, yet Solitaria was single-mindedly determined that } once was enough and that this was the one time she would disobey her } One Rule. } } This time you owe the oracle three dollars as my answer was roughly } three times as long and drawn out and covered three times as many } topics. --- 528-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: RICH MCGEE The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Where does that one sock disappear to in the cloth dryer? Is there > some unimaginable force in the Universe controlling singlarity (or a > phenomon (spelling?) of lonliness). > > I await your answer to my feable question. . . . And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } What an unusually insightful querent. The Oracle applauds your fearless } use of mispelling as a vehicle to elucidate arcana. Indeed, the missing } socks are instrumental in the acheivement of Lonliness. When Lon Chaney } transformed on screen into the Werewolf, he acheived this by } psychically influencing those socks to solve Schroedinger's equation in } such a way as to materialize millimeters from his face and hands as a } cloud of electrically charged lint, which instantly bonded to his } exposed skin. Others have acheived lesser states of Lonliness in a } similar fashion (cf. Michael J. Fox). Now you see that Bounce in-dryer } fabric softener is actually an instance of an teratofugue (monster } repellant), much like a wreath of garlic or a crucifix. } } You owe the Oracle a magic mushroom pizza with extra garlic. } } P.S. - Lon Chaney, Jr. works as an independent contractor in Valdosta, } Ga., holding master's licenses in plumbing, electrical, and carpentry, } among other things. He is the happiest man on Earth. --- 528-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: buck@sunyit.edu (Jesse Buckley) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh omniscient oracle who knows everything, and for whom no amount of > grovelling could be enough. > > What numbers should I pick for the lottery ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I'd go for imaginary numbers, if I were you. They'll match your } winnings, then. --- 528-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Should I ask her? What if she says no? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } This question has a number of possible responses. Perhaps the easiest } way to answer would be to divide the answer up into the possible cases. } } 1. If "her" is Lisa: } a) If the question is "Will you go out with me?" } Don't bother asking, she'll say no. } b) If the question is "Is the Oracle everything everyone says?" } Don't bother asking, she'll say yes. } 2. If "her" is not Lisa: } a) If the question is "Will you go out with me?" } Ask her, she might say yes. } b) If the question is "Am I really that stupid?" } Don't ask, you might not want to find out. } c) If the question is "Did you sleep with my best friend?" } Ask, if she says no it's probably a good thing. } d) "Have you ever spoken to the angel Gabriel?" } Ask, see answer to case 2 c). } e) "Are you insane?" } See case 2 d). } f) "May I sacrifice a goat in your honour?" } Ask, it's a good way to break the ice and the responce } can tell you a lot about her. } } There are, of course, many other possible cases, but these are probably } the most important. } } You owe the Oracle an update on your progress with her. --- 528-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, I beg you with infinite humility to illuminate for me the > importance of Indiana in Oracledom. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } In the beginning, there was the Void. There was nothing but the Void, } and the Void was nothingness. And it was pretty boring. So God said, } "Let there be light", and there was Light. And God looked at the } Light, and it was good, and yet God still saw Void. Because having } nothing around but Light is still pretty boring, no? And God played } with the Light awhile, and he created the Light Switch, and switched } the Light on and off for amusement, but this got boring pretty quick. } So God created the Strobe Light, and then Dry Ice, and then House } Music and Rap and Hip-Hop and Old Disco Songs That You Thought Died In } 1978, and yet it was still as boring as the Void, because there were } no dance clubs to show off all this neat stuff in. } } And so God created the Earth. And God looked at the Earth, and He saw } that it was good. And yet God still saw that, among the deserts and } the mountains and the sparkling blue seas and the amber waves of } grain, there was still a Void. And God put on his glasses and looked } closer, and said, "Oh, my mistake. That's not a Void, that's just } Indiana." And God wondered what he could put in Indiana, to help fill } the Void that was Indiana. } } And it came to pass that God and the Oracle were playing chess, and } the Most Omniscient Oracle had just won his 2167th straight game, and } wasn't being exactly humble about it either. And this gave God an } idea. And God said, "Let there be Indiana University. And let } Indiana University be the Center of Oracledom, and let the Oracle } reside at Indiana University, to spread wisdom through the world and } answer the questions of dumb supplicants." And so it was. And } Indiana was no longer a Void, but was illuminated with the infinite } knowledge and wisdom of the Oracle. And with the Oracle out of the } way, God went on a 368,934,792-game winning streak at chess. } } You owe the Oracle an explanation of just what the hell "Purple } Mountains Majesty" means. --- 528-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Roger Noe The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > OH UTTERLY WISE AND OMNI-EVERYTHING oracle. PLEASE TELL thine HUMBLE > AND TREMBLING SUPPLICANT, WHO IS UNWORTHY OF TRIMMING your > MAGNIFICENT NOSTRIL HAIRS. > > WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THE WORD papekak. IT IS NOT LIST IN MY > WEBSTER'S. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Papekak (p-ohp-kayk) n. (ML: paep(shift)+kak(lock) [more at pap } smear]) 1. the act of papekaking. 2. The sound made when one } papekakes 3. to define a word reciprocally (see also PAPEKAK ) } } You owe the Oracle a 5 page report on who this Webster guy is anyway. --- 528-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most zippy Oracle, whose mind is so grand as to require its own zip > code, please inform a humble supplicant: > > How do they get that filling inside the Twinkies? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah supplicant, I see that you do not know the true nature of twinkies. } You see they are not made as such, they are segments of the digestive } tract of the xanthan bird. They are selectively omnivourous eating only } sugary laden plants and the fat off of carion. This gets whipped up } into a frothy texture by the action of the digestive system. To make } twinkies you kill the xanthan bird after it has eaten and extract the } stomach, throat & intestines and cut to length. This operation is a bit } difficult and sometimes the animal's gums get cut off as well. This is } where the xanthan gum on the ingredients list comes from. } } Glad to help. } } You owe the Oracle a balanced meal. --- 528-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Carole Susan Fungaroli The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What should I thing about terminal who has writing on DONATED BY AT&T ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oracle thing terminal good. Thing good as can be for terminal. Free } termial good. Free workstation better. } } Supplicant no grovel. Stupid think. Bash with rock. } } You owe the Oracle a grammer checker that runs on an AT&T machine. --- 528-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O hygenic Oracle, possessor of the planetary supply of PhisoHex, one > who only grudgingly concedes the validity of the Germ Theory asks: > briefly describe Klingon sexual transmitted diseases, along with > recommended therapies for each. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } There is only one Klingon sexually transmitted disease. It causes } the normally human-appearing Klingons to develop male pattern } baldness (even the females), after which large, unsightly lumps } develop on the forehead. There is no cure, although severe } halitosis will stem the symptoms, which is why you never see a } Klingon brushing their teeth. } } The Klingons don't worry about it much, given that one's chances of } surviving a sexual encounter on Kling are pretty slim in general } anyway. } } You owe the Oracle one of those Klingon condoms with the spikes and } chains on it.