From oracle-request Wed Feb 10 19:07:17 1993 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA16703; Wed, 10 Feb 1993 19:07:17 -0500 Date: Wed, 10 Feb 1993 19:07:17 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #531 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: "9e\S&XFxP?L)~?^jbHC!$jk5#O}v\n#nwz8'd$#(H,+B4n<^{GSCr,![PCrQOV1 nW{vh|Ev<)b!y?'?aysJ)3YJ_/sOl@a'lKaG,uk|Xh3mR+xa]XJ!$vqAjQe?.nst;0/"u?M2K~rC6k~ |)'uWrn%alJW'QwwJJ441kc,m.C!?:EP49(+ X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with "faces". From the cs.indiana.edu ftp archive today. === 531 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #531 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Wed, 10 Feb 1993 19:07:17 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 531 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 526 53 votes 8hi82 3km53 6edi2 2km81 59ek5 2agg9 kgh00 6em83 18nf6 aaff3 526 2.8 mean 2.6 2.7 2.9 2.7 3.2 3.4 1.9 2.8 3.3 2.8 --- 531-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: RICH MCGEE The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why is the sky blue and the grass green, oh great one? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The first animals had tiny brains which could not hold very much of } an operating system, so everything was color-coded for their benefit. } Modern animals have evolved much larger brains which can handle many } more functions, but all are still fundamentally controlled by their } original operating system. For instance, here are the basic operating } systems of several common modern animals: } } Cow: eat the green, ignore the blue. } } Predator: eat the brown, ignore the green, ignore the blue. } } Insect: eat the red, eat the yellow, sting the brown, ignore } the green, ignore the blue. } } Human: oh, look at the pretty blue! } } From this it is easy to see why humans are so poor at ecology. --- 531-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@Plasma.ps.uci.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle, > How far from you, in Indiana, is the Dan Quayle homestead? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hmm... that's a tough one. do you mean in a philosophical or physical } sense? } } To get to Dan Quayle's house from the Oracle's mansion, go down } to the end of the driveway, take a left. Make a right at Suzannes } Sexxx Shoppe and Grill. Get on the freeway going east. Get off at } exit 12. Follow the signs for the "Indiana State Mental Health } Institute." Go to the front desk, ask for the Vice-Presidential suite. } } To get to Dan Quayle's philosophical home from the Oracle's } mansion, go to the end of the driveway, take a right. [The Oracle } is strictly, middle-of-the-road. It's part of being Eternal.] } Go down 12 miles and turn into the driveway marked } "Confused Conservatives, Inc.." Go into the building, up three } flights of stairs. Find the "Contradictions" department. It's next to } the National Guard recruitment office. Ask for Danforth. } } You owe the Oracle a grovel and a AAA Philosophical Roadmap } and Tourist Guide. --- 531-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark McCafferty The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh tell me all knowing Oracle, why do I have such big feet? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } There are, of course, in any question, three modes of a Question's } Being which come into play, each of which must be discussed in its } turn to uncover the Being-ness of the Question's Being, which will } allow for the question to be answered at all. (You will, to be sure, } remember that Beingness -- Seinheit, in the German -- is that which } allows for the that-ness, the what-ness; the as-ness, and the for-ness } of entities. Aristotle calls it simply: ousia.) } } Firstly... } Das Gefragtes: what is asked. } "why do I have such big feet?" } } Secondly... } Das Befragtes: who is being questioned? } In this second mode, there are, obviously, two manners of das } Befragtessein. The first, and most conspicuous, is: me. } The second, and more difficult manner of the mode of the Seinheit } of the question's seinendes Being (to ti to on): here: the necessary } conditions for the Dasein of your unusually gargantuan feet. } } Thirdly... } Das Erfragtes: to what end is the question being asked? } Here, traditional epistemology breaks down with regard to your } question. Again, we resort to Aristotle and find in Book Omega, } of _Analytica Posteriora_ where the Philosopher discusses the nature } of large appendages that he writes: } Since definition is said to be the statement of a thing's nature, } obviously one kind of definition will be a satement of the meaning } of the name, or of an equivilant nominal formula. (Formula is used } here to translate logos.) } } Thus, we see that das Gefragtes (why do I have such big feet?), } interpreted in the light (pardon the pun -- I crack myself up } sometimes) of the Befragtes (the omnipotent -*ME*-, your nauseating } feet withering in comparison to the ontic priority of my Dasein, are } merely removed from consideration), and the thought-reality dialectic } encompassed in the Erfragtes, can be simply answered with only a } slight adjustment to Descartes' _cogito_: } } Your feet are so large, that they might produce noxious gases, } these gases, offending nearby cognizant entities (Aristotle's rational } animals -- although I believe the `rational' was meant only as a } compliment which wasn't necessarily true. Like when you tell your } mother the meat loaf was good, and promptly go out for McDonalds), } which in turn validate your Seinheit through Dasein (usually by } promply beating you). } } or, (if you would indulge my use of the first person as poetic } licence), } } I stink, therefore I am. } } You Owe the Oracle a Hegelian dialectic. --- 531-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > There once was an Oracular >ZOT< > That turned me into an inkspot. > With a reaction so heinous > From one who's scoped Venus, > Should you view a Rorschach inkblot? > > I truly meant not to offend, > and your reaction went off the deep end! > So I ask, not too timid, > a question. But you're livid! > Please do not >ZOT< me again! > > They want to outlaw bestiality here in Utah. How is that going > to affect you? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } In Utah, the beasts, birds, and fishes } Are sex toys, despite their own wishes. } Your women refuse you, } (No sane ones would choose you) } 'Cause your twisted, malodrous, and vicious. } } You once spent some time as an inkspot, } Despite that, you seem to have forgot } That you're nothing to me! } Since you won't let me be, } I will gleefully give you the big } } # ####### ####### ####### ### # } # # # # # ### # } # # # # # ### # } # # # # # # # } # # # # # # } # # # # # ### # } # ####### ####### # ### # --- 531-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle, who knows more about computers than he probably should, > but is a good guy regardless: > > Should my spouse's company stick with the botched-up and antique > version of SCO-Unix on a single 386 (and "save money") or should they > toss all that out on its ear and get a bunch of PCs running MS-DOS and > WINDOWS, hitched together with Novell, and maybe save time and sanity? > > Or use dynamite? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } >> Dear Oracle, who knows more about computers than he probably should, } >> but is a good guy regardless: } } You should know better than to ask the Oracle's wisdom in the field } in which you have just insulted him; bad form, old chap............ } } Nonetheless, on to the task at hand, eh? } } >> Should my spouse's company stick with the botched-up and antique } >> version of SCO-Unix on a single 386 (and "save money") or should } >> they toss all that out on its ear and get a bunch of PCs running } >> MS-DOS and WINDOWS, hitched together with Novell, and maybe save } >> time and sanity? } } I've actually conducted a few experiments in this area, using American } university students and faculty as both test and control groups. The } bureaucrats involved only *thought* they had original ideas; it's great } to whisper things in their ear, just like when I whispered "Quayle" } into George's......oops, never mind. } } I made some universities Unix-only, others used Novellized PCs, some } were VMS-centric, and a very few were "Big Blued". After one year of } controlled exposure, I joined the groups under the guise of a "User's } Conference". It was rather interesting........ } } The Unix-centered folks were walking around, dropping shell scripts } right and left and mumbling strange incantations like "foo-bang-bar- } percent-bazz-at-uunet", which made them the Witch Doctors In Residence. } The VMS users insisted on shouting as loudly as possible and placing } slashes after everything; attempts to SPAWN/NOLOG/NOWAIT were common, } especially in the hospitality suites. In an interesting twist, those } in the thrall of IBM also spoke in slashes and capitals, but theirs } were *prepended* to their words, as in "//GO.SYSIN DD DINNER?" and } "//* YOU'RE CUTE!". From a linguistic viewpoint, it was fascinating. } The IBMers kept talking about PUNCHing files, which (of course) offen- } ded the Unix folks (since *everything* in Unix is a file), and the } VMS folks kept trying to append slashes and periods to everyone else's } comments. Of course, they brought their pets; Rexx bit Bash, and } LOGIN.COMs were licking their lexicals in front of everyone. A good } time was had by all........ } } Except for the Novell/Windows folks. It took me some time to locate } them; they had segregated (cloistered?) themselves in a few rooms off } to the side. All that could be heard was quiet cutting and pasting; } conversation was limited to "which button closes the window?" and "boy, } it sounds like they're having a good time in there; is there more } coffee?" Windows were opened and closed, but every mind was vacant. It } was scary; the only signs of excess were the occasional game of Tetris } or Minesweeper and the exchange of easter eggs hidden in the various } mouse-driven programs. There was a tombstone hanging over them (by a } thread) reading } } "DOS: RIP " } } They toiled listlessly in its shadow. } } In conclusion, you have two choices: } } If you want anaesthetized workers, silently drudging their } work to the printers without a shred of originality, then } Novell/Windows/DOS is your obvious choice. If you want } the chance to make all these decisions again within just } a few years, go look for the Big Red Box. } } If, on the other hand, you want vibrant, excited workers } who aren't leery of entering the chaotic fray that is } modern computing, pick one of the others. Which one? } The Oracle doesn't *do* product endorsements. } } >> Or use dynamite? } } Well, a fresh start is often the best thing. If you want job security, } wipe out everything they have and introduce products with which only } your spouse (or you, if you're looking for work) are familiar. This is } the oldest job-security trick in the information systems world; it } explains most of the seemingly-mindless decisions made in Corporate } America. } } You owe the Oracle a way to close this User Conference without } bloodshed; oh my gosh, they're talking about editors } now..........ARRRRRRRRRRRRGH! --- 531-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Pssst. Hey, incarnation #213, it's me, supplicant #842. Long time > no hear. Just thought I'd take this opportunity to have a go at > Priest #12 who's gonna read our oracularity. YO, PRIEST #12, ARE YOU > NUTS ? YOU'RE the one who keeps rejecting my side-splitting questions > aren't you?! Don't give me any more of that "cliched and boring" > rhetoric, you're just jealous because you know you're not in my humour > league. So stop taking your "only ever got one published" complex out > on me! What's more, incarnation #213 has got something to say on the > subject too. > Supplicant #842. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Undercover Agent #108 smiles as he reads the message. "We've got } him, at last!" he says to no one in particular, "This is the last } time he uses the Oracle for personal messages!" Typing a short } reply, he reaches for the key. } } "Mmmph!" says a rope-encased figure tied to a chair against the } wall. The agent turns around angrily. } } "What is it *this* time, #213," he replies impatiently. } } "Mmmph!" says #213 once more. } } "Ok, Ok." #108 stomps across the room and roughly pulls the gag } down off #213's mouth. } } "You can } ^^^^^^^^ he he he... } } "You can't do this!" screams the struggling incarnation, "There's } nothing in the FAQ or help file about oracle sting operations!" } } "My God, you're right," says #108, a look of surprise crossing } his face, "NOT!" He smacks #213 a few times for good measure, } and replaces the gag. "If we were in the FAQ, we'd hardly be } undercover, now would we? Beside, who says I work for Orrie? Now, } #842, you've got a date with -- " } } All is silent as a few puffs of smoke drift towards the ceiling, } the smell of burnt agent filling the air. A man in a dark overcoat } steps into the room, gun held ready. After making sure that } no other agents are near, he unties #213 and removes the gag and } blindfold. } } "#562!" #213 exclaims, "How did you know to come?" } } "There's no time to explain. They're on to us now. Our only hope } is to get #842 and hide out for a while." } } "Where can we go?" } } "Priest #12 said he'd help us hide in the temple if anything like } this ever happened. I just hope #842 hasn't sent any other messages } like that other one..." he glances at the screen. "Damn. Well, } we've got at least 24 hours before someone gets this message and } answers it, so we hide out in the temple overnight, at least." } } "What is this all about? I though we were just --" } } "There's no time to explain. We've got to go. I'll brief you on the } way." The two of them hurry out the door, #213 stopping to unplug } his gun from his computer. "I'll need this..." } } Several minutes later, I step out from behind the curtains and up } to the computer. Reading the message, I have a *VERY* bad feeling } about the future... } } You owe the Oracle the identity of incarnation #562 and of the } person who distributed the plans for my gun... --- 531-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, shmoracle. I don't believe in this whole Oracle business > anyway. How do I know you're not really just some nerdy guy sitting > behind a terminal in Indiana, laughing at the big joke you're pulling > on humanity? All this omniscience stuff seems a bit fishy to me. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Scene: A large Room in the palace of the Oracle. In walks a large cat, } a metal man, a straw man, and a meek supplicant. As they enter, a dias } in front of them explodes in a wash of green smoke, and a spectral face } appears in its place when it clears. } } Face: *booming* I am Oracle, the great and Terible! Speak now your } request! } } Supplicant : I am but a lowly supplicant, and I.... } } Face: SILENCE!! I know why you are here. } } At this time a small canine pulls at a previously unseen curtain, } revealing a small man typing furiously at a keyboard. He glances up, } and his glasses fall to the tip of his nose. "Golly..." Hes says and } pushes his glasses back. He then types furiously at his keyboard. } } Face: Ignore that man. } } Supplicant: I KNEW it. you're just a humbug! } } Face : Why do you say that? } } Supplicant (now addressing the curtain man): You hide behind this } curtain. You're just a nerdy guy behind a desk, making fun of } humanity.... } } Man: Not SO! I am an nerdy ORACLE hiding behind a terminal, but now one } else will ever know! } } Supplicant: Of course the will, I'm going to tell.... oh no, not THAT!! } } Man: Yep <> } } You owe the oracle a way to get Zotted Supplicant out of his velvet } covered office walls... --- 531-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Yo oracle dude! Wha's the best rap reco'd eve' reco'ded. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The very limited duet EP, availible only in Japan (they love this } kind of stuff over there), with Sinead O'Connor and Sir-Mix-A-Lot: } } _Nothin' Compares 2 U'r Butt_ } } You owe the Oracle a copy of _The Bubblegum Crisis_ on Digital Audio } Tape. --- 531-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great oracle whose knowledge of politics is immense: > > Will Canada be part of the United States of America in 25 years? > > Will Quebec be part of Canada, part of the U.S.A, or on its own in 25 > years? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I'm glad you asked. Few people realise how delicate these } international situations can be, and how surprising the outcomes. Who } would have believed, for instance, in 1980, that the mighty Soviet } Union would vanish in a dozen years? } } So here's the situation. Quebec will indeed secede from Canada, and, } (naturally) unable to get along on its own, will be quickly absorbed } by France. The new Departement will be called "St. Pierre, Miquelon } et Quebec." The Quebecois will be highly resentful when linguists } from Paris arrive to present them with a new dictionary specifying } proper Canadian French, but they'll manage to put up with the } situation. } } Western Canada, including the Yukon and the Northwest Territories, } will go on for quite a while, but will be unable to retain Eastern } Canada. The border skirmishes, in 2009, between the RCMP and the } Idaho National Guard, will result in the sudden annexation of all of } Western Canada by Idaho, which will instantly become the largest of the } United States. } } Meanwhile, on the East Coast, Newfoundland will slowly exert a } unifying influence over most of the Maritime Provinces. The Republic } of Greater Newfoundland will be founded unofficially in 2006, but will } not be properly established until 2016, when people suddenly realise } it's not just another Newfie joke. } } In the US, the secession of the states of Florida, Cuba and Puerto } Rico will cause unrest, and Maine will petition to join Newfoundland } in 2017. "As Maine goes, so goes the Nation," so in 2018, just 25 } years from now, most of the former United States will become the } dominant portion of the RGN, reuniting Western and Eastern Canada } (except Quebec) under one government. } } The Crystal Ball is becoming hazy, and the details of the French and } Newfie Wars are hard to discern. You will be drafted. } } You owe the Oracle a can of Crystal Polish for his balls. --- 531-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > My question is: > > Why Bud Dry? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Usenet Oracle feels compelled to point out that you have forgotten } to grovel. However, I will take pity on you, because: } } You are obviously the parent of an 18-year-old child. And he is } obviously a college freshman. } } Having gone for 18 years with no satisfactory answer to the question } "Why?" he has decided to break the problem down into simpler questions, } like, "Why did I fail my calculus exam?" "Why won't that redhead down } the hall sleep with me?" and "Why Bud Dry? Why not Miller?" } } This, too, is a normal stage in development. If you are wise, you will } fall back on the answer you ultimately gave to all such questions. } "Because." Or, in extreme cases, "Because I'm the Mother/Father, } that's why." } } Like all of your child's other stages, it will pass. After a brief } flirtation with Sartre (during which he will take to wearing black and } declare, loudly and repeatedly, that all questions are worthless), he } will finally move on to "When." As in "When is the next mortgage } payment due?" "When will the car be paid off?" "When will I find a job } worthy of my talents?" "When did that redhead start sleeping with my } best friend?" and "When will my child stop asking 'why?'" } } You owe the Oracle a True/False question.