From oracle-request Wed Mar 10 00:10:50 1993 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA06726; Wed, 10 Mar 1993 00:10:50 -0500 Date: Wed, 10 Mar 1993 00:10:50 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #543 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: "9e\S&XFxP?L)~?^jbHC!$jk5#O}v\n#nwz8'd$#(H,+B4n<^{GSCr,![PCrQOV1 nW{vh|Ev<)b!y?'?aysJ)3YJ_/sOl@a'lKaG,uk|Xh3mR+xa]XJ!$vqAjQe?.nst;0/"u?M2K~rC6k~ |)'uWrn%alJW'QwwJJ441kc,m.C!?:EP49(+ X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with "faces". From the cs.indiana.edu ftp archive today. === 543 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #543 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Wed, 10 Mar 1993 00:10:50 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 543 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 538 54 votes 378ii kfa81 7nk40 2oi91 1cgi7 edk70 2jhc4 3dpd0 1clg4 5ecj4 538 2.9 mean 3.8 2.2 2.4 2.7 3.3 2.4 2.9 2.9 3.2 3.1 --- 543-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Greg Wohletz The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Lisa is tucking her five-year-old son, Hector, into bed. > "I don't wanna go to bed!" Hector complains. "I'm not sleepy!" > "Yes, you are, sweetie," Lisa replies firmly. > "But I wanna stay up and watch 'Studs' on tv!" Hector protests. > Lisa shakes her head and starts to tuck in his covers. > "Will you tell me a bedtime story?" her son asks. > Lisa sighs softly, knowing she is about to miss the beginning of her > favorite movie, Charles Bronson's 'The Mechanic'. "Sure," she answers > in a soft voice, "what do you want to hear?" > "I wanna hear the story about the Lemur, the Cow, and the three > Weasels." > Lisa groans aloud. "Why do you always want to hear that? Don't you > want me to tell you a new one tonight?" > Hector shakes his head. "Please? Please? Please? Tell me the story > of the Lemur, the Cow, and the three Weasels!" > Lisa takes a breath, nods, and begins, "Okay. Once upon a time..." And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } "...in a distant forest, there lived a Lemur and a Cow. They lived } together in this thatched house, which was okay, since they were not } only in love, but were married. } } "After a while, the Cow gave birth to three lovely Weasels. They } were beautiful and furry, and their father and mother loved them very } much. But the Weasels did have one thing wrong with them that drove } their parents crazy: they didn't like going to bed. } } "So one night, Mother Cow is tucking the little Waesels in bed, and } one of them says, 'I won't go to sleep unless you tell me a story.' } } "And the other two Weasels started yelling, 'A story! A story!' } } "'Very well,' said Mother Cow, 'what story do you want to hear?' } } "'I wanna hear the story about Lisa and her son Hector,' says the } second Weasel. } } "And the other two Weasels started yelling, 'Lisa and her son } Hector!' } } "So Mother Cow takes a deep breath and begins, 'Once upon a time, } Lisa is tucking her five-year-old son, Hector, into bed...' } } "Suddenly the wall to the room rips open (it is a thatched house, } after all), and the UseNet Oracle walks in. Glancing about the room, } he bellows, 'Enough of that. We'll have no more stories-within- } stories. These infinite loops are worse than a whole diskful of } deranged BASIC programs. Now, the story will progress from here but } with a different ending and a bit of realism. Let's see, Father Lemur } will suffer a heart attack at his next stockholder's meeting and die, } leaving no insurance policy. Mother Cow, you straggle from one low- } paying and demeaning job to the next trying to support your family. } Now, the eldest Weasel will drop out of high school and join three } or four rock bands before becoming helplessly addicted to drugs and } will die lonely, alone and unloved in a gutter. The middle Weasel } will finish both high school and business school and take over a } successful brokerage house and be a millionaire by 27, a convicted } insider trader by 29, and a reformed preacher by 35. And you, youngest } Weasel, will run away from home at age 10 and spend your life pulling } yourself up by your bootstraps until you become famous somewhere around } age 30 with your best-selling stories from the Lisa and Hector series. } As for me, I'm off to *ZOT* the person who wrote this story so that I } can live happily ever after.'" } } Suddenly the wall to the room breaks open (it was only made from } drywall), and the UseNet Oracle walks in. Glancing about the room, } he bellows, "Enough of that. We'll have no more stories-within- } stories. These infinite loops are worse than a whole diskful of } deranged BASIC programs. Now, the story will progress from here but } with a different ending and a bit of realism. Let's see, Lisa, you } are so awed by my appearance that you will return with me to serve as } my concubine. Meanwhile, Hector, you will run away from home at age } 10 and spend your life pulling yourself up by your bootstraps until } you become famous somewhere around age 30 with your best-selling } stories about the Cow, the Lemur, and the three Weasels. As for me, } I'm off to *ZOT* the person who wrote this story so that I can live } happily ever after." } } You owe the Oracle an illustrated copy of "Hamster Huey and the Gooey } Kablooie" complete with dance steps. --- 543-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Mighty Oracle, we have spent the last 5 million years evolving > an ever larger cranial capacity, but about 40,000 years ago, we > hit some kind of snag. For some reason, we cannot increase past > our current size, no matter how hard we try. What can we do? > > Sincerely, > Homo Sapiens And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You know, I asked God the same thing a while back. (Actually, I didn't } ask that question _exactly_; I said something along the lines of "Why } did you make all these stupid people who keep asking woodchuck } questions?") He asked me to sit down and then he patiently explained } the whole thing to me. } } You see, the human race has evolved as far as it can on a purely } biological basis. You have to admit, the human mind as it is, is } pretty impressive. There's no other biological system like it at all. } But that's really as far as it's going to get. The next step will have } to be taken by you. } } Yes, you are responsible for your next evolutionary step! And since } you asked so nicely, I'll let you know what it is. } } You see, all animals have an unconscious mind. It's purely } stimulus/response, and for the basic sorts of things that animals need } to do (i.e. cheese good, cats bad) it works OK. It's very low-tech, } but workable. (The word God used was "economical". You can't do } _everything_ in seven days!) } } Then He allowed a few of the animals to develop analytic capabilities, } and thus he formed the conscious mind. Your next evolutionary step is } to get rid of your unconscious mind, so that you can operate on } complete rationality. } } Don't worry, your emotions won't go away. (This isn't Star Trek, and } you're not going to become Mr. Spock.) The unconscious mind is not } the source of your emotions. It's the source of what you would call } neuroses, psychoses, inhibitions, and all that. People confuse emotion } with insanity, and so emotions get a bad rap. The easiest way to } describe what will happen is, you will be able to form opinions without } your unconscious mind throwing in totally irrelevant data. } } So you can see how it's gone so far. The first main evolutionary step } was the creation of the conscious mind. The unconscious mind was left } there to ensure a smooth transition. The second evolutionary step will } be to get rid of the unconscious mind. Once that's in place, there's a } third evolutionary step, but I won't tell you about it yet. You } wouldn't believe it anyways. } } So anyways, after God told me all this, I made a bet with him. I said } that the people of Earth would kill each other with nuclear weapons } before they came close to getting rid of their unconscious mind. I } said that the people who ask me questions are usually just too damn } stupid, and they would never make it. He said some homilies about the } basic goodness of Man and bet they would. So we're watching to see } what happens. } } You owe the Oracle nothing. You owe it to yourself to get cracking on } your unconscious mind. (That's right, I don't mind if I lose. I don't } necessarily bet to win.) --- 543-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > To: Oracle > Fr: Oracle > > Re: Five Minutes From Now. > > Hi, this is you five minutes from now from your curent > perspective. Do yourself(myself) a favor - leave alone that shapely > blonde girl you a going to see tantalizingly bending over the water > fountain. Lisa will be(was) right behind you(me) for a surprise visit > at the office. It would be very painful. (*OUCH*) > > Thanx, > Me(You) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } To: Oracle } Fr: Oracle } Re: Ten Minutes From Now. } } Hi, this is you (me) ten minutes from now from your current } perspective. Do yourself (myself) a favor - Don't let Lisa see the } contents of the note that you're (I'm) going to type five minutes from } now. She'll be standing right behind you (me) when you (I) try and } warn yourself (myself) about the blonde. The fight that ensues will be } incredible. } } Thanx, } } Me(You) } } PS. Be sure and empty the batteries out of Lisa's cattleprod, and hide } her bullwhips. --- 543-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Who can deliver bananas bent the other way? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } [Scene: A five-star restraunt and truck-stop in downtown Manhattan. } The supplcant is about to lose the most promising date he has ever } had.] } } Supplicant: Waiter! } } Waiter: Yes, is there a problem with your steak, sir? } } Supplicant: How would I know? This damn knife has its serrations on } the wrong side! I can't even cut my steak, let alone eat it! } } Waiter: I'm sorry, sir. Could I interest you in one of our less } cohesive venues? A fruit cup perhaps? } } Supplicant: I suppose so... } } [Time Passes] } } Supplicant: Waiter!! } } Waiter: Is your fruit cup satisfactory? } } Supplicant: It's this stupid convex spoon! All the fruit just SLIDES } RIGHT OFF!!! } } Waiter: Allow me to suggest a dish free of utinsel distress. Whould } you like a bananna? } } Supplicant: Well... } } Waiter: I'll even have it peeled for you. } } Supplicant: Okay, but it had Better Be Good. } } [Time Passes again] } } Supplicant [with blob of bananna in eye]: WAITER!!! } } [The supplicant's date, apparently annoyed by the poor service, storms } out of the restraunt.] } } [Time, tired of passing, tries holding instead and runs smack into the } present.] } } Well, supplicant, if a five-star restraunt can't deliver bananas bent } the other way, you can bet that nobody else knows how to either. } } You owe the Oracle a new toothbrush. Mine only reaches the inside of } my lip. --- 543-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@Plasma.ps.uci.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch water? What sort of water > flows to the top of a hill for goodness sake? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ahh, foolish supplicant. Where in the rhyme does it say they went } to the TOP of the hill to get the water? They obvioulsy went only } partway up the hill where some water had gathered from further up the } hill. } } Unbeknownst to Jack and Jill and readers of the rhyme was how } fortunate it was for Jack to fall down and break his crown and Jill to } come tumbling after. } } For you see, this water they went up to get was as you know, partway } up a hill. } } When Little Bo Peep lost her sheep, they went up this very same } hill, only higher. Sheep, not having the sure footing as mountain } goats soon found themselves tumbling down the hill too, only to come } crashing into the water where they promptly drowned and sank. The body } of water, which had no inlets or outlets, became stagnant and } contaminated with all sorts of nasty things. If the happy couple had } actually consumed the water, they would have suffered a lot worse than } just some minor cuts and bruises. } } The Oracle will spare you the graphic details of what would happen } but suggests you read alt.tasteless if you are interested in finding } out more. } } You owe the Oracle a case of Evian and a baby elephant skin. --- 543-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@Plasma.ps.uci.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Tellme O great Oracle whose brainpower does not compete with all the > computers on this network, please tell me this > > If I say to this one girl 'I love you' what will she say back? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } She'll say "I can't believe it! I've felt the same way about you } for so long, but I haven't had the courage to say it. I also haven't } had the courage to do this, but now I feel like I can..." } } Then, he'll take off his wig, his dress, showing a hariy chest, a bra } stuffed with Kleenex (TM) and he won't be wearing any underwear. } } I wish the two of you luck, and congratulations. } } You owe the Oracle a wedding cake with two grooms on the top. --- 543-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@Plasma.ps.uci.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Tell me, oh Oracle, > > Should I stay or should I go now? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, if you stay AND go now, you'll make a terrible mess on the floor. } Please make your way to the nearest bathroom and go then. } } You owe the Oracle a laxative. --- 543-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > ^C And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } UNIVERSE WIDE MESSAGE FROM oracle@delphi.gr: } } The Universe will be shutting down IMMEDIATELY for a quick reboot. } } Lining up all lawyers and politicians....one moment please.... } Killing all lawyers and politicians.... } Killing all other life forms.... } Imploding all solar systems.... } Stopping all electrons.... } Turning off gravity.... } Turning off light... } Stopping time. } } Rebooting... } } [ Bloop! ] } } Welcome to Universe/OS version 1.01! } } Time restarted.... [ please check current time! ] } Turning on light. } Recomputing gravity constant....Recomputed! } Waiting for electrons to respin....Done! } Fsck-ing all solar systems. Please wait, this could take a } nanosecond... } } FSCK: WARNING: FS /Mombo/milkyway/sol/earth/na/usa/packwood already } mounted. } FSCK: WARNING: /Mombo/milkyway/sol/earth/na/usa/congress - } File system may be corrupt. } FSCK: WARNING: EXCESSIVE BAD BLKS FOUND! } FSCK: ERROR: NO SPACE LEFT IN /Mombo/milkyway/sol/earth/na/usa/congress } FSCK: ERROR: /Mombo/milkyway/sol/earth/na/usa/congress PURGED! } } FSCK: WARNING: FILE SYSTEM } /Mombo/milkyway/sol/earth/na/usa/whitehouse/clinton } FSCK: WARNING: UNREF waffle FILE. } FSCK: ERROR: NO lost+found DIRECTORY } } FSCK: WARNING: USING ALTERNATE SUPERBLOCK AT 2600 } } FSCK: REMOUNTING: FILE SYSTEM } /Mombo/milkyway/sol/earth/na/usa/whitehouse/hilary } } FSCK: Done! } } Solar Systems remounted. } } Starting all life forms. } } warning: some lawyers and politicians may have been lost to /dev/null } } Welcome to Universe/OS version 1.01! } } login: --- 543-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most lovely and beautiful oracle, > far wiser and more proufound that I could ever > hope to be, virtuous, tall, possibly of nordic > heritage, high wonder, world traveller, > more majestic than september sunflowers, > more poignant than a child's first steps, > lover of strong tea, chooser of the perfect > color of paint, knower of the kama sutra, > aware of each sparrow; > > should my friend drop out of french literature graduate work > to become a truck driver? I don't know what to tell her, I have > never seen a happy gradstudent. And besides, just the hint > that beauty is transitive makes me cry. > > I kneel in admiration. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, let's compare the two positions. } } Truck driver Graduate student } in French literature } } Intellectual stuff: Not much A bunch } } Foreign language: CB radio chatter French } } Travel: Rush all over the Rush all over campus running } country transporting errands for professors who } goods don't know your name } } You get to drive: An eighteen-wheeler A used Volkswagen Beetle } } Major threat to Losing your brakes Being run over by campus } life and limb: on a twisty mountain Office of Physical Plant } road van } } Job satisfaction: Ehhh HA! } } Pays: Reasonably well HA! } } I think the choice is obvious. } } You owe the Oracle a major interstate highway. --- 543-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle, > > Your hiss would affright the Sphinx! > Your eyes glow more brightly than the moon! > You can catch every bird or mouse that ever lived! > > Thank you for informing me about the noisy box my humans stare at (*). > Now I have another dilemma. > > Every so often, my humans take out a big, shiny ball. > Its tail has a long hard tip, which they push around on the ground. > As they do so, the shiny ball becomes very agitated and emits a > disconcerting noise. > > I have done my best to discourage this behavior. I have laid back my > ears and hissed, and even growled, and one time I went so far as to > attempt to disembowel the ball with a mighty swipe of my > beatutiful, sharp claws. I connected, but had no effect on it. > > In fact, I am ashamed to admit, I was so upset by my failure to stop > it that I ran away! > > O great Oracle, please tell me, what am I to do about this? > > (*) In Oraculities 493-08 And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Supplicant,... } After great thought and several calls to the Purina 800 number, We have } determined that there is but one way to combat the evil shiny ball,one } way to end its reign of terror. It involves cunning, intelligence, and } a large vat of cheese wiz. You see, big shiny balls have a fettish for } the orangey goo. Simply spread the entire jar over the surface of the } floor, make a lot of noise to attract the attention of the beast, and., } just when it is about to consume the gloppy mass, jump away. Trust me, } it will not be able to resist, and yet, sadly, the beast is allergic as } hell to the stuff. Immediately it will begin to choke, and then slowly } sputter away and die. However, we are concerned that this is not the } main issue here. Perhaps it is not even an issue at all. We are } greatly concerned that you are suffering from acute jealousy, and seek } to destroy the beast merely to attract attention to yourself. If this } is indeed the case, you should be ashamed, and banished to an eternity } of mystery meat, meatless baked ziti, and listening to Tiffany and } Placido Domingo records. (don't think it couldn't happen,..the oracle } is everywhere!) } } *******************************JEWELS***********************************