From oracle-request Tue Apr 13 08:54:57 1993 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA06516; Tue, 13 Apr 1993 08:54:57 -0500 Date: Tue, 13 Apr 1993 08:54:57 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #555 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: #uz~Ma5G?lX"lQv,9/$d0hEy7pk]l$U^|3Otd8>?b"!\/AE_F0Lm!['3"[}DQFw9 qxsx)mp$|3:}1pa:lK6H"H8TH+;E(w1r09e:3vpnx4zyC.v?+v%088"=)bs-,Q[: c2NWk',v>VQ^Hhf_zG5Okg;[vkGO%8`7T*XW0SepJNfCbVa",Dmvk-C/K|-uX*!e uK1Yc!-``R-$q(;"a@3 sgw_x[EK!Z)HJ~yxbd+mg{krWs0NA!1h/aXR X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 555 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #555 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Tue, 13 Apr 1993 08:54:57 -0500 @@@ _American_Libraries_ magazine recently gave a plug to the Usenet @@@ Oracle. This month's issue (Apr `93, Vol 24, Num 4, page 295) @@@ reprints Oracularity #536-03 ("What's the deal with noise and @@@ librarians?") in a sidebar entitled "Old stereotype goes high tech". To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 555 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 550 51 votes 6mh42 13fei 05chh 3doa1 7fi83 45dhc 7gh92 8ecd4 7ih81 8fga2 550 3.0 mean 2.5 3.9 3.9 2.9 2.7 3.5 2.7 2.8 2.6 2.7 --- 555-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, whose nostrils are far cleaner than any others known to mortals > and gods, please grant me an answer to my feeble question. > > Why is looking like a bum suddenly so popular in modern culture? I am > referring to the Grunge Movement. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Alas, mortal, I too have stepped upon the grunge bandwagon. I now } wear my work toga (the one with the white wash on it) out and about } with the other immortals. Just yesterday, I saw Apollo wearing a } wilted laurel wreath. Zeus' lightning bolts were tarnished. Even } the beautiful Aphrodite has been seen wearing various metal and leather } garmets instead of her usual immaculate designer toga. The odd } thing is that Loki has been looking rather spiffy. He has always } claimed that he was more productive when dressed in comfortable } clothes. Perhaps he was right... the bastard. He must be up } to something. } } Since you mortals imitate we immortals, you are noticing the same } trend that is taking place here in Olympus. } } You owe the Oracle a Levi's (tm) Acid-washed toga. --- 555-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most wise and omnipotent oracle, > > How many boards would the mongols hoard, if the mongol hords got bored? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Mongols didn't horde anything because they had a different } economic system called stealing. This can work in some situations, } but not all. For instance, it will usually work to say: } } I have a sword. Give me your board or I'll cut your } head off. } } There are limitations, however, and it is important to recognize } them. You should never say: } } I have a board. Give me your sword or you'll cut } my head off. } } The Mongols, of course, were masters of this technique, but for } most people I recommend hording. } } You owe the Oracle a woodchuck pelt. --- 555-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Ohh, most wise and over-belligerent oracle, tell me: > > Why DID the chicken cross the road? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Finally, I have the opportunity to clear up a common mistake. } Throughout time, and with many translations, this phrase has been } changed and therefore, lost its meaning. } } The correct phrase is: } } "Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?" } } The answer is: } } "Because he heard the referee was blowing fouls!" --- 555-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O beautiful and near-perfect Oracle, tell me: > > What does UNIX stand for? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It means either sex can use it. --- 555-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > American Oracular Certification Committee > 1776 Command & Control Blvd, Suite FU > Langley, VA > The Usenet Oracle > Department of Computer Science > Indiana University > > Dear Sir: > > It has come to our attention that You have not yet been certified by > our program. May we remind You that all Oracles dealing with federal, > state, and local governments must now be certified by AOCC? We urge > You to complete your certification now to avoid future conflict with > the state-run educational institution where you currently reside. > > The next American Oracular Certification Test in your region will be > administered at: > > Jermaine Jackson Middle School > 8088 Industrial Waste Parkway > Gary, IN > > The test costs $850 and takes roughly 4 hours to complete. Special > subject area tests cost an additional $275 each. > > Testing manuals are available for only $65 through Lost Life Books. We > also offer a 6-week intensive course in taking the certification for a > mere $12,000. > > Once you receive your certification, you will receive an "I'm an > Omniscient Being" oracular pin, and the right to use the AOCC logo on > your stationary. > > We're looking forward to having you as one of our members. > > Signed, > > Xavier P. Kontroller And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear Mr. Kontroller, } } I am distressed to hear that you were either too lazy to dig } through your records to find, or have *lost* the test I took merely 253 } years ago to renew my membership in the AOCC. Normally, this level of } incompetence would provoke me to *ZOT* without even thinking about it, } but in a surprising fit of patience, I did realise for you mere } mortals, 253 years is quite a long time, sufficient enough time, in } fact, to misplace it, have it destroyed in a natural disaster, corrode } due to the lower quality of the materials used to administer the test } at the time, etc. } Realising this, I am including the copy of the test I was given, } including my answers, and including the top secret AOCC logo, which I } could not know were I not an official omniscient being. Please take } the time to look these over, and please store them in your files, so I } shall not have to waste time with this again until 2240, when I shall } have to renew again. } Sincerely, } } Orrie T. Oracle } } ======================================================================== } #include } } 1. What is the true name of the antichrist? } } The telephone company. } } 2. How much could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck *could* chuck } wood? } } e^3/42 cubic meters. } } 3. Explain the intrigue behind the book "The Great Gatsby." } } The intrigue was that F. Scott Fitzgerald was actually a pen name used } by Mark Twain when *he* wrote the book, after his supposed demise. He } was trying to regain anonymity, so used this name. After publication, } this fact was discovered by one Samuel Clemens, who, before he could } inform anyone, died in a mysterious automobile accident. } } 4. Name the long lost, forgotten member of Abba. } } Ronald Reagan. } } 5. Regarding the Christ episode: } } a. What were Christ's *real* final words? } } "Hey, you guys *swore* this would tickle!" } } b. Why did he claim to be King of the Jews? } } He didn't. Christ was actually hispanic, and had a horrble accent, as } well as poor mastery of the English language. He was actually saying } "I am keen of you." His sexual orientation was also somewhat } questionable. } } 6. What was the real cause of the extinction of dinosaurs: } } Smoking. } } 7. Give the next three questions, as we would have asked them. } } 8. What is the capitol of Assyria? } } 9. Why 42? } } 10. What are the most intelligent creatures on planet Earth? } } _________________ } / / } / --------------- } / / ___________/ \ } / / / \ \ } / / / \ \ } | | | __ | | } | | | / \ | | } | | | / __ \ | | } | | | / / \ \ | | } | | | / / \ \ | | } | | | / /______\ \ | | } | | | / __________ \ | | } \ \ \/ \/ / } \ \ \ / / } \ \ \__________/ / } \ \____________\_/ } \________________\ --- 555-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Todd Radel The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Many supplicants begin with > # include "grovel.h" > or something similar. Sometimes this is acceptable to you; other times, > not. ISO Standard C does not include this file, so your acceptance (or > rejection) must depend on the grovel.h file provided by the different > compiler vendors: Microsoft, Borland, IBM, DEC, etc. > > I wish to be O.C. (Oracularly Correct). How do you rate the different > grovel.h files provided by these companies? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Microsoft: Claims that theirs is the industry standard: only so } because everyone pirates it. Microsoft should fire } the infinite number of monkeys that they call their } workers and consider hiring a programmer. NT? Yeah, } tell me another one. C'mon, single-user workstations } went out with the Apollos. } } Borland: The true industry standard, although only a handful of } fanatical devotees will support that concept. Still, } it works, which is better than Microsoft. RULE #1: } EVERYTHING is better than Microsoft. Programs written } in BASIC for the Timex Sinclair are better than } Microsoft. Squirrels mating in cages are better than } Microsoft. } } IBM: Second-sourced out to Microsoft. Expect an EXTREME } drop in user support in the near future. } } DEC: Sure, it's the programmers' choice. But what can you } say about software that responds to a simple request } like 'rmdir foo/' with 'foo: is a directory.' I'm } talking ULTRIX 4.3 here, for those of you keeping } score at home. } } Apple: Very comfortable, very easy to use. But look at it } the wrong way and... lawsuit city! Also, they've } decided to go swimming with a ball-and-chain called } IBM. Taligent? Yeah, right. What about that } brilliant scheme to team up with Microsoft on } TrueImage? See RULE #1, above. Apple only } manufactures one thing now: inter-corporate alliances. } } Apollo: see HP. } } Sun: Hasn't released 'grovel.h' for Solaris yet. But don't } worry: they will create a fully-owned subsidiary to } handle all of your grovelling needs, 'SunGrovel.' } } Commodore: Yeah, right. But still better than Microsoft. } } Amdahl: Don't have time to worry about #include files; they're } on a verge of a major breakthrough: the workstation! } } HP: see Apollo. } } BSD: The Oracle's favorite. Basically written by end-users } who have no clue what they are doing: so of course } everything works properly. But remember: it's } copyrighted by the Regents of the University of } California. } } You owe the Oracle a decent makefile maker. Not written by Microsoft. --- 555-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark McCafferty The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Great oracle, who'se potence and grandiosity bring the stars at night > and the sun in the morn, I bid the tell me the answer to this secret > which has been plaguing my cognitive centers since I first saw it > written: > > How many boards would the Mongols hoard if the Mongol Hoards got bored? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle replies... } } This one's easy. } The Mongol hordes would hoard all the boards that the Mongol hordes } could fit in their Fords when the Mongol's board stores got down to } a cord. The Mongol horde could hardly afford to find no boards when } the Mongol lords roared for more boards stored. } } The only sure way to avoid being gored by a bored Mongol lord, was } to be the Mongol horde that scored more boards than other hordes. } } In other words, lots. --- 555-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Sir/Madam -- > > We have been monitoring your computer usage and mail > distribution, and have decided to investigate your past history. The > amount of computer time you have been occupying and the extent of mail > you have been distributing leads us to believe that you may be working > for a hostile government or terrorist group. Please be aware that we > will be monitoring your every move and will review every piece of mail > that you have sent over computer lines for the last five years. If > anything conspicuous is turned up, have no misconception - we will > arrest you for treason. If nothing comes up, we will cease our > investigation. Thank you for your time. > > Have a nice day! > The Central Intelligence Agency And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } OH my goodness... NO one has ever accused Me of being a spy before. I } hope that you and your COMRADES in THE UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT have } actual evidence, because My army of militant litigant lawyers HAS } started to prepare their case. The last person who accused us of } anything of this sort CAUGHT it, let me tell you. You will be hearing } from US shortly. } } The Oracle demands, in payment, your next Democratic president. (The } Oracle is willing to wait for a long time.) --- 555-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: RICH MCGEE The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Most excellent Oracle, Prophet of the Nets, Wisest of All Beings to > Grace My Phosphor Screen, please tell me: > > Why are Catholic Girls attracted to me? > > I can't seem to shake them off. I'm everything their parents told them > to *never* under any circumstances bring home. I hate the very idea > of celibacy. And if I had my way, there'd be B-2's on the way to the > Vatican to start carpet-bombing within the hour. > > I'm about as "corrupt" as they come, by Catholic standards. Why do > they chase me? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Allow me to describe the life cycle of the North American Catholic: } } First Instar (egg): Catholic semen whacks into Catholic egg and it's } all over for Ma and Pa. Mutations at this point lead to sports-- } Lutherans, mostly, although natal exposure to carbon tetrachloride } results in Seventh Day Adventists and Mormons. } } Second Instar (infancy): Bloated women with steel rulers beat Catholic } theology into their charges. } } Third Instar (puberty / juvenile): Hormone surge results in unCatholic } behavior, such as critical thought. The Catholic will sneak around } and commit quiet blasphemy, possibly even trying to shock Ma & Pa by } bringing home a smug free-love atheist such as yourself. (Take note, } supplicant. 'Tain't yer boyish good looks, if you know what I mean.) } } Fourth Instar (adult): Hormone levels drop; Catholic is no longer a } dependent, and so must pay own way. Stress. The theology from the } second Instar explodes from the subconscious, offering answers to the } Hard Questions. Backlash. Eventually a Catholic wedding takes place, } followed by the now-familiar Catholic fertilization. } } One can even argue that the Catholic memes go into latency during } adolescence to *facilitate* teenage pregnancy. } } You owe the Oracle the Host and a golden monstrance to keep it in. } } Message from trinity@seventh.heaven.org on console at 15:29 ... } AND THE ORACLE OWES *ME* TWO HUNDRED AND FIFTY THOUSAND HAIL MARYS. } EOF } } (Oh, rats.) } } 7093472453 ~% cat > sorry.c } #include } #include } } main() } { } int i, uid; } } uid = getuid(); } for (i = 0; i < 250000; i++) { } if (XianPrayer(uid, XIAN_PERSONAL, } XIAN_PENANCE, XIAN_HAIL_MARY) == -1) { } perror("sorry"); exit(1); } } } } } exit(0); } } } ^D } 7093472454 ~% gcc -o sorry sorry.c } 7093472455 ~% ./sorry } Killed } Message from trinity@seventh.heaven.org on console at 15:35 ... } NICE TRY. I'VE PREPARED A LOVELY FIELD OF GRAVEL FOR YOU TO KNEEL ON. } EOF --- 555-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wonderul Oracle, Master of All Email: > > Does David Koresh use an Amiga computer? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } 'Tain't that simple. The Branch Davidians were hard pressed to pick a } single manufacturer. Here are the machines Koresh and company } considered, and why: } } Amiga: encourages unnatural acts among the very young. } } Apple Macintosh: designed for use by pathetic chowderheads. } } HP: not *quite* on the same wavelength as the rest of us. } } PCs running Windows: Bill Gates also leads a cult. However, Koresh } quickly realized that Gates is the Anti-Christ. } } Silicon Graphics: digitized bimbos to keep the rabble quiet while } authority figures monopolize the women. } } Sun: arbitrary bullying behavior. } } Finally, they settled on IBM. Big, implacable, and howlingly } irrational.